unbeta-ed. some swearing ahead.
It took five hours since she woke up for Rin's mood to go from heaven to the deepest circle of hell.
The first thing that struck a nerve was the fact that on her usual coffee run, a worker at the coffee shop that had been clearing the used utensils left on vacant tables ran into her. The white blouse that she had just washed and ironed the night before was now decorated with extra touch of a splash of cold coffee and cinnamon powder. If it were any other day, Rin would have just ran home to get a quick change of clothes before heading out again for college. But it wasn't like any other day because she had an important interview for an internship at a law firm that morning, and had half an hour to travel to a place at least forty minutes away.
Needless to say, the sour mood only became more sour and no matter how good she was at putting up a facade, her irritation permeated into her words at the interview and she thinks that may have eradicated any chance of landing herself an internship. The bad mood is only exacerbated when her ex boyfriend texts her that afternoon, asking her if she was keen to meet him for dinner that night and perhaps talk things out. No, she wasn't interested in a cheater. She was a firm believer in 'once a cheater, always a cheater' and there is a reason why an ex should always just remain as that.
Another thing she deeply believed in was the power of therapeutic shopping, which brought her to the shopping centre a few blocks away from her apartment. Her essays had been submitted, and there were no academic commitments left that required her immediate attention. She had time, as well as she had some change to spare. Besides, Christmas was coming in three weeks, meaning that she should get some presents to avoid that awkward moment during the gift exchange where she would have to tell the other person that whoops, she was too busy to buy a present. No, she wasn't going to ruin Christmas for them.
Walking through the departmental store, she sees a signboard in front of a pile of neatly stacked memory pillows. In a big fluffy baby blue font that resembles clouds, it reads 'Sleep Your Worries Away'. There is a younger part of her that aches to just lay her head there and close her eyes, to let the fatigue wash over her body and carry her into dreams where everything rights itself eventually. She brings a pillow up to her face and feels the cushion beneath give way. It was comfortable; incredibly so. Her eyelids start to close shut, and her breathing slows to a nice, steady rate.
"Hey, the sign says no sleeping."
Her eyes snap open and fly to the latest irritant in her day, who happened to be standing right in front of her. Despite being on the receiving end of her glare, the friendly smile on his face still remains there. The guy (Len, his name tag reads) doesn't seem to notice the look of loathing she is giving him, and that only ticks her off even more. He folds his arms behind his back and rocks on the heels of his feet, making tap tap sounds as the tip of his shoes lands on the tiled floor. Her eyes narrow even further.
"Well, it also says that it'll help to 'sleep my worries away', and that was exactly what I was trying to do until you came along."
He lets out a low whistle. "The pillow doesn't actually work, you know."
"What?"
"The pillow can't make your worries disappear, but I know what can." Her brows raise in question, and she folds her arms across her chest. "A date with me."
Rin swears that her hand twitched at that moment, and his face looked exactly like the punching bag she saw at the sports shop the other day. Maybe it is, she thinks dryly, and maybe she should try it. She's always been told that she was stronger than she looked. What was the quote again? Look like the innocent flower, but be the serpent underneath.
But no, it wouldn't do her any good to be charged with assault and then totally vapourise any chance left of getting recruited into a reputable law firm. It's a bitter defeat, but worth the effort.
Rin turns to march away from him, and she almost succeeds when he runs in front of her and effectively blocks her path. Still wearing the stupid smile and with blue eyes that are oozing hope, he straightens his position. "Is that a yes?"
Rin tilts her head slightly, mouth agape and brows furrowed. She once believed that there was a limit to stupidity, but standing in front of her was solid evidence that proved otherwise. It's difficult to understand where he gets the confidence to continue despite such a blatant rejection that it's almost endearing. Too bad he just had to bother her today, when any other day she would've given him more face.
Slapping on the biggest smile she could force and using the sweetest voice she has, she says "Pass." as though it was the easiest thing in the world. Not bothering to look at his reaction (why would she waste more time on him anyway?) she then maneuvers out of his way, chin slightly higher than it was and new a sway to her hips. Out of sight, out of mind was her motto for surviving the day. It wasn't like she would be seeing him again soon so it wouldn't be a problem to reject him. She's too busy to find time in her schedule for boys and love, among other trivial things anyway.
The next time Rin sees Len again is when she is turning over different sized pots and pans after her last one cracked down the middle. She runs a hand down the Teflon surface of a large pan and lifts it up experimentally, but her grip wavers when it turns out to be heavier than she expected. As she struggles to maintain a firm hold on it, there is a set of footsteps approaching her from behind. Then a kind of familiar voice announces the person's presence.
"Careful, once broken considered sold."
She slides the pan back into place and whips around. Len is still wearing a smile and blinking his big eyes like a puppy that was expecting a pat on the back. She frowns.
"But you know what is considered sold before it's broken?" He continues. She gives him her best unimpressed look and makes no indication of giving him a reply. It doesn't deter him because he is grinning when he leans in, but still far enough to respect her personal space. "My heart."
She groans loudly, hoping it would give him the message that she regretted letting him talk at all. It doesn't work, if his widening grin is anything to go by. "Why are you here?"
"I kind of work here." He says, gesturing to the all black uniform and the white name tag on his chest. Rin rolls her eyes so hard she thinks it could roll out of their sockets.
"Why are you here, bothering me again?"
Len steps back and grasps his chest in mock hurt, feigning a loud gasp. "Bothering you? No, I'm just reminding you of the warning signs!" He taps the little sheet of paper pasted under the glass, dog-eared and on the way to being destroyed. The miserable state of the paper makes her wonder why they even bothered putting it up, but she doesn't voice it out.
Turning her attention away, Rin lifts a smaller looking pan, edges rimmed with silver but otherwise completely black. It's elegant, but also kind of heavier than it should be for its size. Whatever, it should do, it's the best among the others she's just looked through anyway.
"And where is the one for you?"
"The what?"
"Warning sign. It should say how annoying you can be, and how innocent customers can avoid having their shopping experience ruined as well."
His smile falters. "Well, people can have different experiences. Sometimes, even the same person's perception can change." He taps the side of his head lightly with two fingers, before pointing it to her with one eye shut, as if he were holding a gun. She glides out of the way of his aim effortlessly, but waits for him to finish anyway. "And you've always been one of the special ones who can change these experiences. To be specific: mine."
Rin stares blankly at him before she continues to walk towards the cashier, her grip on the pan so tight she wonders why it hasn't cracked yet.
"You cook?"
His question takes her by surprise and her pace slows down as she thinks about the question, weighing the benefits and costs in her mental scale. She could either lie to him or tell him the truth and let him in on some information of her life. She could. But does she want to?
She turns her head to stare at Len. The guy still looks at her in slight awe and he radiates nothing but friendliness. If she didn't count the two bad attempts to flirt with her, she didn't really know the guy, so she had no obligation to do anything nice for him. But then again maybe it wouldn't be so bad to just have a casual conversation with him, either?
She hesitates and chooses her words carefully. "No, but my roommate does."
"Yeah, I kinda thought so."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that pan is kind of really heavy if you're planning to cook, and also really difficult to wash because of its edges. Here, let me help you." He takes the pan from her and puts it back on top of another before leading her to a completely different shelf. This one has pans that are matte black and look much slimmer than the ones she was looking at. Grabbing a random pan off the shelf, it's also much lighter than the ones she tried previously for a considerably bigger size as well.
"A lot of people don't see this because it's not like, placed in the most attention grabbing areas, but they're the best here if I do say so myself. So well, if you're planning to cook something small like pancakes and omelettes, I would suggest this pan. But if you like big stuff like chicken and fish, this one would be better because it's got a larger surface area. Reduces the cooking time, yeah? Besides, it's also deeper so if you wanna fry stuff it'll be much easier. But if you're undecided, then that's fine because that one is medium sized. Slightly bigger than necessary to cook the small stuff but big enough for fish and what not. Only thing is that you may have a longer time trying to fry things but that's alright, right?"
Rin picks up the medium sized pan, feeling the surface and carrying its weight on both hands. To say that she is impressed would be an understatement, because he was probably the most helpful sales assistant she has met in her twenty-one years of living. He wasn't trying to sell her the more expensive but useless items, only trying to make sure she got what she really came for. Even though she had ignored him and told him in the bluntest way possible that he was annoying, he still went out of his way for her. It's touching and it makes her feel guilty for treating him like she did.
"Thank you," she repeats, with sincerity this time. He offers her a small smile. It was unlike the flirtatious one he wore moments ago, something much more personal and very much happier than the grin she's so accustomed to see on him. It's a good look on him and Rin finds herself wishing that that smile would become commonplace in the future. It's weird but she thinks that maybe he could be a really nice guy, and maybe his company wouldn't be too bad. She feels a similar smile creep on her face. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad to let him in on her life once in awhile.
"So, about that date.."
"Pass."
Or maybe not.
Rin's learnt many things in the course of formal schooling; things like memorising dates and the different calculus formulas and things like writing a thesis statement is not a problem to her. She's done it so many times that she could probably do it in her sleep by now. Of course, what formal schooling didn't teach her were things more relevant to daily life, such as not trusting the weather forecast. But then again, that was also on her since it was almost common sense that the weather forecast wasn't the future written in stone.
Much to her and her roommate's dismay, it begins to drizzle in the middle of their weekly morning jogs. That was fine, a light drizzle never killed anyone. They continued to run their usual route, but the farther in they went the heavier the rain got until it was a downpour, and they were soaked from head to toe. Standing under a wooden canopy next to the dirt road, Miku and Rin watch some other cyclists continue to cycle while others came their way for refuge from the heavy showers.
"You know," Miku pants, "I think I'm getting kind of hungry."
"It's pouring, we're soaked and all you can think about is your stomach?"
"There isn't much we can do about the rain anyway. Since we're already drenched, why don't we just run and get ourselves a nice breakfast from Mc Donalds or something?"
And that's how they end up with a burger and piping hot cup of coffee at ten in the morning, surrounded by gossiping teenagers and adults grabbing a quick coffee to go. Rin crumples the plastic into a ball and throws it onto the tray scattered with sugar packets and serviettes, watching it roll about uselessly and eventually stop somewhere in the middle of the mess. She lolls her head lazily to face Miku. "And just for the record, only you think that Mc Donalds is nice for breakfast."
Miku waves her off easily, dabbing her lips with the serviette before swiping her ponytails over her shoulder. "It's cheap and good, Rin. What's there not to like?" Rin slumps further into the seat while Miku stands up, dusting the back of her running pants lightly. "Since we're here, let's get some shopping done."
Rin doesn't think much about that. Shopping with Miku is so common that it's almost a habit by now. Miku wants to go shopping? Sure, why not?
But after testing a few perfumes and currently headed towards the lipstick counter, Rin spots a mop of messy blond hair and neatly combed green hair from behind the lipstick counter and she realises her mistake too late. While the green head moves away, Len comes out of his hiding spot and flashes a brilliant smile at the duo.
"Hello." He says mostly to Rin, despite Miku being right next to her. Rin feels her stomach fall when she sees Miku's coy smile from the corner of her eye. Please don't, she pleads internally.
"Well, hello to you too." Miku drawls, offering an outstretched hand to Len but directing her smirk to Rin. "And who might this fine gentleman be?"
Len points at his name tag, but he introduces himself to Miku anyway. As the both of them get acquainted, Rin begins to slowly fade into the background. She stands awkwardly by the side and her eyes dart across the room for an exit out of her current situation. Near her, the lipstick counter beckons her with the multiple mirrors reflecting the light off its surface and rows upon rows of pink and red lined up. She inches her way to the side and makes it to a brightly lit shelf systematically lined with lipsticks down a gradient. Her fingers trail over the lids, some tightly shut and some loosely thrown over, and picks out one dark pink lipstick. It has some lipstick smudged over its cover, but it's still presentable. She uncaps it easily and runs it across her lips, eyes zooming in on how her lips slowly come to life against her pale complexion.
"So, uh, lipstick?"
She presses her lips together multiple times until the shade evens out, and tilts her face in the mirror to see the colour at different angles. It's not as dark as she wanted, and she grumbles. She reaches for the tissue box and begins to wipe away the lipstick, fingers ghosting for the darker maroon.
"Yes, is there a problem?"
"Actually there is."
Her fingers still and she raises a brow at him in the reflection. He is positively beaming now.
"Your lips were already made for kissing, you don't need lipstick to ruin your lips."
She doesn't even bother to acknowledge him anymore, but Miku standing at the counter behind bursts into an obnoxious cackle and it fuels Len's confidence. She sighs internally and starts to apply the lipstick. When he fails to get a satisfactory reaction out of her, he pouts.
"Third's supposed to be a charm. Come on, won't you at least admit it was kinda good?"
"Oh, trust me; it was." Miku chimes in, leaning her weight against the edge of the shelf wearing a shit-eating grin. Len gives her a tight smile, hands still hidden behind his back. Miku cranes her neck to get a better look, but Len shifts away from her. The secrecy makes Miku roll her eyes and sparks curiosity in Rin.
Waving her hand lazily, Miku yawns. "I'll be at the lingerie section."
Rin is about to protest, but Miku is already sauntering away, her twintails swaying along with her hips. After her footsteps fade into the instrumental background music, Len takes a step closer to Rin. Rin's heart begins to beat faster, a mix of anticipation and dread filling her chest. Although she didn't want to think about it (more than she already has), but Len was a charming person. He had a nice smile to go along with his nice eyes and a nice chin with nice hair. (Nice, because his smile didn't make her butterflies flutter around her stomach. Nice, because his eyes didn't look like the jewels people pay millions and billions to own. Nice, because his chin wasn't sharp and didn't make her wonder how perfectly her head would be tucked under it. Nice, because his hair wasn't flawless and didn't look like it gave him a halo even under the crappy lighting. Nice, because anything else would show interest and Rin was anything but interested in him.) It troubled her so deeply that he could look like a model but the things that he said made her want to clog him in his (beautiful) face.
Rin didn't want to stay for very long and have the displeasure of enduring his attempts at wooing her, especially not now when she was half drenched and feeling iffy about the state of her appearance. She turns away from him and begins to walk towards the lingerie section, but Len matches her step for step. She grunts, exasperated.
"What's up?"
"Honestly?" he asks innocently, "The ceiling."
She presses the heels of her hands into her eyes. This was not the conversation that she wanted to have.
"Thank you for that enlightening piece of information. It will save lives."
He cracks a smile at her, not that she sees it anyway, and shuffles his feet as though they were causing him pain. If he thought he was being subtle, he wasn't. Even with her eyes closed she could hear the scratching noise made between the soles of his shoes and the rough edges of the floor.
When she opens her eyes again, she sees the uncharacteristic slouch of his shoulders before he straightens his posture again. He may be able to disguise that, but he clearly forgot about the dark circles under his eyes.
"You look like shit."
"Can't say that you look like Miss Universe yourself. But hey, you still look pretty kick ass even without makeup." His eyes fall to her lips. "Much makeup." he corrects.
She shrugs. From her peripheral view, she sees two children playing chase headed their direction. She steps closer to Len, narrowly avoiding getting hit. He wiggles his eyebrows mischievously at their proximity, but Rin cuts him off before he could say anything. "Okay, where is it?"
He blinks. "Where is what?"
"Your question of the day: will you go on a date with me?"
"Well, I wasn't going to ask you that but if that was you trying to ask me out, sure."
Rin narrows her eyes and cocks her head, staring at him intently as though he were a piece of abstract art and she were a collector. The only difference was that while most collectors would be ogling over him, she would be one of those skeptics wondering where the beauty was because all she saw was a massive, colossal mess that no one else would dare to point out. He shrinks back from the intensity of her stare.
"What?" He croaks.
"Why aren't you asking me that? You've asked me that the previous two times."
"I don't know," he says, almost nonchalant in the way that he looks away from her and starts kicking at a spot on the floor. If it wasn't for the way he stared too hard at the ground, Rin might have believed he was actually at ease. She tilts her head, not understanding and waiting for him to elaborate. He looks at her from under his bangs when he does. "I mean I never really meant it anyway. Saying it now just seems even more pointless to me."
There's a long period of silence where Rin is looking at Len. She sees the look of utmost sincerity on his face, the way his eyes are so clear, the way his jaws are relaxed and the slight parting of his lips. There's a loose thread at the end of his sentence like a bait, and Rin knows he was waiting for her to tug on it and carry on the conversation, wants her to be interested. And truthfully, she was. She wants to ask him what he means, the urge to ask is so strong is feels like every bone in her body aches to prod him, to push him and keep asking why why why.
But instead, cuts off that thread as she seals her lips and nods her head to his arms still hidden behind him. "What's that?"
He brings out his hand nervously and chuckles, which sounds more like a shaky exhale of breath. He unclenches his fists and tries to iron out the wrinkles of the paper before presenting it to her. She plucks it out from his hand and reads it warily.
"Is this a gift card?" She asks incredulously. He grins sheepishly and rubs the back of his neck, looking away.
"Yeah. I thought that since Christmas was next week that maybe you would have things you wanted and well.. I didn't know what to get you so I decided that this was as good as any?"
He phrases his answer like a question, waiting for her approval or at least a sign that she wasn't opposed to this. She wasn't upset, but bewildered at why he would do this for her.
"Why?"
The question has Len rubbing his neck harder and red colouring his face slowly. Rin watches with mild amusement as Len wracks his brain for a decent answer, too thrown off to form a coherent thought. She's patient though; she stands in front of him with a curious expression.
He finally gives up and gives her an odd look. Before she could register what it was, it disappears. Rin almost wants to ask him what has him so agitated, but she doesn't want to put him on the spot anymore. As much as she enjoys how flustered he can get, she doesn't want to feel mean to a guy who just did something sweet for her.
"I wanted to see you smile." He admits softly, "You have a beautiful smile."
It might have been the rare compliment she received or it might have been the way he looked at her so earnestly that she feels her insides melt away and feels so much lighter than she was just seconds ago. She tries her best to suppress the smile, but then she remembers what he had just said to her and throws in the towel. For the first time in awhile, the happiness that courses through her veins makes her feel like everything would be okay, like she was a child again and had just received the best present of her life.
When she catches his eye, she knows that she isn't alone in this feeling.
"Thank you, Len."
It becomes a thing, a routine. Every odd day when she finds time (when she starts to think of him, when she starts to miss him) she would make a short trip to the departmental store. She doesn't let herself find him, she always finds something to occupy herself with and lets him do the finding. One day she'll be at the children's section, picking up random toys and going through the fairy tales she's known now by heart. Another day she would be at the travel section, opening luggages and pretending that she's on a journey across the world.
Maybe she is on a journey across the world, but he finds her every time.
And maybe it becomes a thing, a routine, for him to start the conversation with a new pick up line he came up with on the spot, and for her to pretend being peeved at it. Because where she once was, she now finds it adorable how his eyes light up like a Christmas tree when she tells him that he can do better. (That she knows he can do better makes him so happy). And maybe it becomes a thing, a routine, for them to loiter around until another customer requests for assistance, or until Len's manager spots him at the wrong side of the shop floor. (And if Rin follows him back to where he was posted to, neither of them say anything about it.)
And even then, Len wouldn't stray too far from her and neither would she. Rin pretends not to eavesdrop on their conversations, telling herself that she isn't interested in what he says to others. Rin pretends that it doesn't make her spirit soar when she hears his professional and reserved tone used with other people, while with her he is just down to earth and bubbly Len. And she pretends that it doesn't flatter her when he tries not to stare too much and only sneaks a peep or two when he thinks she isn't looking.
Sometimes when she walks out of the store, she finds her thoughts wandering into the dangerous zones that should probably remain unthreaded. And when she listens to love songs that were unfathomable before, she thinks of his smile and the way that his ocean blue eyes seem to glisten under the yellowish light. And sometimes she thinks of the way that his boney fingers might fit perfectly with hers, or the way that his veiny arms might feel around her waist. Rarely, she finds herself wanting to run her hands along his strong jawline and press her lips to the crown of his head.
But she chases those thoughts away as soon as they come.
Maybe one day she would allow herself to want more, but not now she couldn't. Not when she was still hurting inside for not being enough for someone to stay in love with her, not when she was still busy chasing her dreams to make more dreams she couldn't fulfill, not when she was only ever taking and taking from Len but never actually initiating anything. He deserved better, and she couldn't give him better when she herself was still in pieces, jumbled up and nowhere near being together again. In meantime all she can offer him are her smiles and laughter, and a silent promise that perhaps one day they may finally be more than what they are now, whatever that was.
New Year comes and goes as always, and when the ball finally drops Rin thinks that it is symbolic for her in the sense that what her actions are done, bridges are burnt and it's time to make new ones. She ushers in the new year with Miku, a bottle of Jack and large BBQ flavoured Twisties, singing to Christmas songs and yelling along with Beyonce in ruling the world. It's a good way to start the new year because for the first time in awhile, she actually manages to get her mind off other unwelcomed things that made a home in her thoughts, and a hole in her chest.
Naturally, it comes as a no brainer that once the high had worn off, and she was done riding the crest of the wave, she would be headed right for the trough.
While she sits at the benches in the bus stop opposite of the shopping centre anxiously waiting for her bus, an unexpected and unpleasantly familiar voice calls from behind her.
"Rin!" A hand lands itself on her shoulder, and the loose grip tightens ever so slightly like it was its destined home. The action is so rough it sends shivers down her spine, and alarm bells sound in her head. "Fancy seeing you around here, how've you been?"
Her eyes narrow at the smug smile on the brunette's face, and her lips curl in a deep scowl that could rival Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. She rolls her shoulder aggressively and the hand falls away languidly, but feeling of his touch remains there like an itch.
"Not good, I suppose?" He says airily, inviting himself to sit beside her, and she scoots away quickly to maintain the distance between them.
She grits her teeth. "I would be much better off if you would kindly get lost."
"Is that what you really think? Tell me honestly, Rin, you want us to be together again, don't you?"
"I said, get lost." She spits, each word punctuated with hatred and disgust. He laughs lightheartedly, like they were having a good time joking over cups of coffee instead of a one-sided conversation.
"Come on, Rinny, let's have a meal and catch up like old times."
She conjures up millions of refutes to his statement, but before she can protest further, there is a slapping sound from in front of her and her ex stops where he is. Her gaze flies to the large and tanned skin on her ex's black trenchcoat, fingers holding on so tight the veins pop out much more than she remembers they ever did. She looks up and sees Len looking absolutely livid; his eyes darker and nostrils flared, lips pressed together in a line as thin as his patience is at the moment. Her breath hitches.
"She said get lost."
Her ex scoffs and stands up slowly, chest puffing out and chin tilted with arrogance and pride. Len's hand falls next to him, but they're shaking in place. "Or what?"
Rin sees it in the subtle change in his expression; the brief sparkle in his eyes and the quick quirk of his lips, and oh, she just knows that that was the response Len was waiting for.
"Or this."
And then Len's fist meets her ex's face right in the middle with a sickeningly satisfying crunch. Her ex cries out in anguish and stumbles backward until he falls down, hands covering his face where a trail of blood is trickling down like a dripping tap. His eyes are scrunched up and mouth opened, gasping for air like a drowning man and curses flying out of it like a sailor. Len steps back, a small smirk forming on his lips as he shakes the tension away from his hand.
Rin shoots up belatedly, eyes darting between Len and her ex sprawled on the floor before she moves and pushes at Len's chest. Her hands are shaking in fury and her mind whirring in a flurry of emotions, namely outrage, shock and a tiny bit of happiness and shame. "What the fuck was that for?" She shouts.
Len looks at her, not understanding why her rage was directed at him of all people. "He was harassing you!" He points at her ex still sitting on the ground, as if the most obvious thing to do in the world was to punch the asshole in the face. (Not that it wasn't, but that isn't the point, not when she glares at Len with defiance and a fire in her lungs, and he is staring back at her like she's gone mental.)
"And you assaulted him!"
"For a damn good reason!"
She shakes her head in disbelief before turning on her heels and storming away. Forget the bus, she's better off walking. At this point she isn't even sure that she's able to sit still on public transport without wanting to ram her head into something sharp and pointed. Or ram his head into something sharp and pointed.
Her head is screaming with thoughts of burning this bridge, but her heart is soaring with the knowledge that Len was willing to step out of the unspoken boundaries to protect her. He was willing to risk the consequences for her. With how much he went out of his way to ensure her safety, she wants to find it in herself to forgive him and make peace between the two men, but the voice in her head is snarling and pushing away everything her heart pulls towards.
She's too busy trying to calm the storm in her heart and tame the fire in her thoughts to hear the footsteps behind her growing louder and louder until a warm and rough hand grabs onto hers, long and cold fingers wrapping around her wrist delicately. It's gentle but demands attention in its own way, and she wishes that it wasn't because she wanted to get away from him, and she knew it would hurt him while he would never consciously hurt her. But what he did was uncalled for and right now she just can't deal with it.
She spins around to face him, giving him a pointed look. "Let go of me!" She snaps, jerking her hand sideways but his hand stays where it was. His eyes are desperate and pleading.
"Please hear me out."
"You know what Len, you can go and get lost as well."
He inhales sharply, eyes widening at her words.
"I want to explain."
"There's nothing to explain, Len. It's done."
His lips tug downwards and eyebrows furrow together before he releases her wrist reluctantly. The way he avoids her stare reminds her of a mother chiding her child for being naughty, and in a way she supposes it was the same. But it was so different in so many ways, one of which was that what he just did was illegal, and the law student in her cannot believe what had just happened in front of her own eyes.
"I had to do something, because you're my friend. What was I supposed to do, sit back and watch you get harassed?"
His voice is unsure and low, almost drowned by the city commotion.
"I was more than able to protect myself! It is not in your place to help me, Len. I never asked for you to help me, ever."
The moment that the words are out, there is an inexplicable change in the atmosphere between them. Her hands fly to cover her mouth, as though it would catch the words before they leave but they are decades too late.
His eyes widen again, but this time it was so minute that she almost misses it. He stares at her in shock as all the frustration drains out of him, taking in every word she's said and finally internalising them. It's like he had been walking in the dark for days feeling for objects to make sense of where he was, only for her to switch on the lights and let him see that he was in an empty room all along. He looks down at her feet and blinks a few times, mouth opening and closing repeatedly before it closes decisively and he stares back at her with nothing but unadulterated hurt.
"You didn't," His voice is hollow, "But I wanted to anyway."
Maybe she hadn't planned to hurt him, but she did anyway and at the end of the day that was what mattered. She doesn't realise that he's already halfway down the street with his shoulders slouched and head bent down until a bus honks at a taxi parked in front of the bus stop. It is only then that she- for the first time in a month- notices that Len had been strumming the strings of her heart, and it had only taken a wrong note for her to cut through the taut strings, leaving a silence too big in its wake.
She doesn't go back the next day, or the following day, or even the next week. Soon, next week becomes next month and before she knows it, it had become two full months since she had last visited the departmental store. (Slightly less than two months she had last seen him).
She tells herself that she isn't avoiding him like the plague and occupies herself with things like school and fitness programmes. When college begins to kick in again, whatever free time she had before was now reduced to time stolen from study breaks or time shaven off her sleep schedule.
Unsurprisingly, she also becomes more bad tempered. Rin starts to yell at Miku for not doing the dishes or leaving random articles of dirty clothing on their living room floor when she had tolerated it for the years prior to this. It continues in a kind of downward spiral of angry shouting and snide remarks between the roommates until Miku puts her foot down one day.
"Get up, we're going out." Miku demands. Rin looks up at her with the cap of her neon yellow highlighter in between her lips and a thick set of readings on her lap.
"Why?"
"Because it's obvious that whatever happened between you and Len resulted in.. this!" She gestures at the whole of Rin. Rin covers her highlighter and pinches her eyebrows, the tell-tale signs of unfounded frustration beginning to creep up inside of her lungs and into her heart.
"In what, exactly?"
"In this funk you've been dwelling in since two months ago. No. I've had enough. You're going to settle this today."
Rin scowls at Miku, but the older girl doesn't back down. Instead, it seemed like Miku's mood followed a negative exponential graph with a steeper gradient than Rin's. Rin doesn't remember the last time that Miku had the same look on her face, but she did remember that it resulted in a dent in her bedroom wall back at home. She peeps at Miku's fisted hands at her side, clenching and unclenching rapidly and decides to cave in. She picks up a decent looking yellow dress with black tights before she takes the nearest black coat hanging at the back of the door.
Ten lengthy minutes and many glares later, Rin grudgingly trails behind Miku walking into the store. Her legs feel like jelly and she thinks that heels might not have been such a wise choice today, or ever as long as a certain blue-eyed boy is involved in the situation. Although her exterior is calm, she thinks that she might actually be a dormant volcano that is waiting to erupt at the most inopportune moment. She isn't far from the truth.
It all happens in a sort of slow motion and feels like it's many light-years away instead of just centimetres, but the impact hits her just as heavily. It happens like so:
Miku and Rin scour the departmental store for awhile in search of the said boy, and when it fails and Rin is about to go home and continue to wallow in her sorrow, she sees a very familiar green head bobbing up and down from behind a cash counter with a silver placard that says "Sorry, we are closed." Without so much as a second thought, her body gravitates towards the girl, her heels clicking monotonously. When she finally reaches the cashier, the clicking stops and the girl peers up from above, hands still holding onto many pieces of plastic bags strewn about messily in a box. Rin smooths out her dress.
"Hi, I am looking for a staff named 'Len'. Is he here?"
The girl's eyes narrow visibly, and she stands up so fast that Rin is sure she had whiplash. But the girl's hostile look puts her on edge and she shifts her posture into a more defensive one.
"So you're The Girl." She says with more resentment than Rin thinks is justified for a first meeting. Rin returns the ugly look.
"And what is 'The Girl'?" Miku asks from beside Rin, moving her fingers to imitate quotation marks. The girl doesn't look at Miku, but only continues to seethe at Rin.
"The girl who threw Len into a long period of thinking that he's at fault for being nice, and made him beg me for days on end about a gift card that was mine, and hurt him to the point that I had to watch shows like Pacific Rim with him to get over his angst and general moodiness." She spits, venom in each word. "And if you think I enjoyed the movie, I didn't."
Collecting herself quickly, Rin scoffs and places her hands on the table, leaning forward with still narrowed eyes. She doesn't feel confident in the slightest, but she sure as hell wasn't going to let this person see it. "I don't care about what you think, "She takes a quick look at her yellow name tag, "Gumi. Just tell me where he is, I have things to settle with him."
The girl's expression got more confrontational (which was apparently possible, contrary to popular belief) and she folded her arms. "Why? So you can hurt him again?"
"No, I just told you, I have things to settle with him. And that's private, between him and I."
The girl stares at Rin for what seemed like hours. Her stare was piercing, more than Len's, and the unfriendly aura she gave off only serves to make Rin regret ever succumbing to Miku's pressure. She didn't want to do this at all, and by the looks of it neither did Gumi. Yet here she was, subjected to the mercy of a shorter green-haired girl. When Rin starts to move away, Gumi nods stiffly.
"You won't find him here. He was only a temporary staff and he didn't extend his contract." Rin deflates. "But I can tell you where he works now, for the foreseeable future."
Gumi takes a used receipt and flips it over, scribbling in neat cursive handwriting an address. Miku peeks at the words and then at Rin. The both of them stare at Gumi, uncertainty written all over their faces. Gumi gives an indifferent shrug and continues to busy herself with the plastic bags. Just as Rin turns away, she remembers something that she wanted to say but had forgotten about it until now. She whips around again and towers over Gumi, who is shooting Rin a quizzical look.
"Just so you know, Pacific Rim is an amazing movie."
There are many things in life that Rin hasn't tried yet. She has a bucket list neatly written and pasted on the billboard of her thoughts, where she walks by and glances through daily to remind herself that life was more than letters on a piece of paper. Having said that, she never once imagined herself walking into a gay bar like it was the most natural thing in the world. As she heels click against the floor of the bar, each footstep accentuated with a sharp tap, she can see some women turn their heads and a smaller group giving her a once over. But she walks forward with disinterest written on her face and they go back to whatever they were doing.
She slips into one of the high chairs at the counter of the bar easily, adjusting her bandage dress when she crosses one leg over the other, and clears her throat loudly. In the short few seconds between the bartender directing his attention to her and her making her order, she flicks her hair over her exposed shoulders, as if it gave her confidence. She needed it desperately, but she couldn't let it show. Not now, she had things to accomplish.
When a certain blonde haired bartender turns, she sees many expressions cross his face in a matter of a second before it all settles into a stoic one. He arches a brow in cautious curiosity.
"What can I get for you?"
"A Martini, please."
His eyebrows climb higher up on his forehead, but his hands starts moving around the counter. Rin leans forward to get a better look at the way his hands move quickly, like dancing across the space behind the counter, but he's already done and pushing the glass of alcohol towards her.
"I never pegged you as a cocktail person, although I can't see why I didn't." He says. If Rin was trying hard enough, she could almost hear the laughter under the detached tone he uses. But she doesn't give herself the room to ponder if she did try hard enough or not, because trying too hard and failing to remedy the situation would be pouring ice water to rouse herself from a lovely nap in a fine summer afternoon. She cocks her head and gives him a faint smile.
"You don't know much about me."
"Well, yes, I am aware of that. I don't even know your name."
She winces internally, oh she deserved that one but never saw it coming.
Taking a tentative sip of her drink with one hand and brushing down her dress with the other, she steels herself and ignores the last part. "I never pegged you as someone who would work at a gay bar."
He merely shrugs noncommittally.
"My friend told me of an opening for a more permanent job with shorter hours."
She hums in acknowledgement and continues to take small sips from her glass, all the while maintaining eye contact with Len. His expression remains largely guarded, but she can see hints of hopefulness seeping through the cracks in his mask. A part of her wants to call him out on it, to ask what he really wanted, to ask if he still wanted to return to where they were, to ask if he was truly happy that for the first time that she was making the first move to find him- something she would never allow if it were three months ago. But the quiet between them fades from awkwardness into something more cozy, and she decides that now is not the time yet. So she seals her lips and rests her head on top of her arms crossed on the table, quietly observing the way that Len wipes the table spotless and proceeds to wipe down the clean glasses. She watches the way his jaws are locked together, and the concentration in his eyes that she hasn't noticed before. Has he always been so focused? She can't remember.
When he turns away to entertain other customers, she sees the way that the shirt moves against his broad shoulders, and the way the nice lean muscles on his arms contract when he reaches for different bottles of alcohol on the shelf. It's a nice kind of different, she muses quietly to herself. What was she so afraid of?
Sated with comfort and familiarity, her thoughts slip past her mouth.
"Why did you leave, Len?"
He pauses where he was currently wiping down another glass, and she freezes in her seat. The warmth in her insides dissipate and she watches on in horror as he looks down at his feet for awhile before he carries on wiping the glass.
"Why did you let me?" He asks back softly.
If there were moments when she felt regret, there were none as prominent as now when they were rushing up in tides and crashing into her organs and suffocating her. She could die just like this; she could let herself be washed away helplessly let regret consume her whole. It would be so easy to just relinquish control and throw in the towel, but her instincts won't allow her to. No matter how hopeless, a small part of her would always fight against the tides and kick around to get even the smallest gulp of air, to keep her head up until she sees help on its way.
He looks up now, searching her eyes as she does his. Beneath the hurt and disappointment, there is hopeful waiting. This is it, she thinks, this is my help.
She closes her eyes and inhales slowly.
"I never once let you leave. I'm sorry that I am late, but I'm here for that date now, aren't I?"
She opens her eyes in time to see his sharp inhale, shoulders squaring itself and jaws now more tensed than ever. And then he exhales and his body relaxes again, a smile spreading across his face while his eyes bore into hers. His fingers dance across the table top to wrap itself around her wrist again, the same one he held two months ago, and he looks at her with a shy questioning expression through his bangs. When she leans forward in confirmation, the fear and anxiety vanishes and the contained smile now bursts into a full fledged grin with hearty bouts of laughter escaping his lips. This was her help, and she was glad she kept herself afloat for it.
It's a rare sight to see Kagamine Rin standing outside of a party, alone. Most of the time she would get a lift home from Miku, some of the other time she would get a ride from a kind stranger that took pity on her.
Today falls under a new subcategory.
She hugs her cardigan closer to her body, while her black tanktop and skinny jeans that clings onto her legs like a second skin did little to protect her from the harsh night wind. Her teeth started to clatter and goosebumps crawled all over her skin. She had been waiting out no more than five minutes and she already started to regret her decision. Maybe it would be better to head back inside for awhile.
Before she gets a chance to make that decision, a white Toyota skids to a stop in front of her, and the door of passenger side opens immediately. Inside, Len is stretched over with his arm on the handle of the door. He gives her an unimpressed look.
"Get in."
She folds her arms across her chest indignantly and huffs, "My mother told me to never get into a stranger's car." but she is already climbing into the warmth of the car. She settles into the seat as the car starts to drive off much slower than it had arrived.
Playing with the seatbelt straps, she sighs resignedly. "I'm sorry about dragging you here like this when you have some Biology exam later. I wouldn't have done this if Miku hadn't ditched me for Kaito."
Len shakes his head slightly and stops the car at the red light. He turns around to look down at her, suddenly appearing much taller than he usually was (thanks to heels that normally reduces the height gap between them).
"It's okay, I'm glad it's me that you called." he says. Hearing the words and seeing the care on his face was more than enough to calm her nerves, and a small smile begins to grow on her face. She angles her body towards him. "And also, I've had more than enough practice for Biology, thanks to you." he winks.
In her hazy mind, she takes a few seconds to understand what he meant. When it finally hits her, she gawks at him before playfully shoving his arm until he was nearly in tears from laughing.
"You idiot!" she fumes, "And here I was thinking that you were going to be really mature about this, considering that you're a year older than me!"
"Hey, growing old doesn't equate to growing up." He reaches a hand out to ruffle her hair. She swats his hand away and huffs.
They continue to have a friendly banter until the car arrives at Rin's block, and the conversation dies down. She solemnly gets out of the car and closes it gently. Len rolls the window down. Leaning his elbow against the door, he pushes himself upwards to give her a quick peck on the cheek.
"Thanks for the ride, Len."
"Rides." he corrected. She pretends not to hear this.
"And good luck for your exam later. You'll do well, I know you will." Her voice softens at the end, and the howling wind buries the whispered words in its body, carrying it away. If Len were any farther away, he would have missed it.
She watches his expression become blank as a canvas, before colours are added to it. If she was a novice the last time, she was now an expert on paintings; now she knows what all the subtle brush strokes mean. Like when his hair fell across his face, it meant that he had rushed out of his house in order to fetch her. Or the way his eyes trail along her face like he was memorising how the streetlamp casts a shadow across half her face with a drawn smile and dimples adorning the side of his cheek, it meant he was happy to be there with her even at that hour. And the way his eyes twinkled under the light? It meant nothing but love. She thinks that his expression might be mirrored off of her, and that was fine, because it was real.
"Thank you, Rin."
miku texts gumi a few weeks later with a "hey, do you still remember that time you lost a bet to me" and gumi's like "yea why" and miku says "i need a pair of really really REALLY good earplugs for this weekend like so good your usually bleeding ears don't suffer anymore kinda good" and gumi's like "oh OH ok well yknow idk if they'll work cause rin and len are just really nasty sadists but you can come over and stay the night" and they order pizza and life is good.
but seriously though, at this point i'm just glad this didn't end up in the trash. merry christmas to all and happy (advance) birthday to my favourite vocaloids! :)