Title: Right Side of the Bed
Pairing: Coulson and Clint
Fandom: Avengers (movie)
Rating: T
Notes: Translations at the bottom! This isn't serious, it's mostly for laughs though it's not crack. Have fun.
"I'm sure that we just witnessed a sign of the coming apocalypse." Tony mumbled and dead dropped his head on the table the Avengers, excluding Clint, were currently eating lunch at. It was rare to have them all gathered at one table, they all had their own pressing matters as they each lead very complex lives, but almost every time they are all seated at the same table, something horrible and absolutely devastating has/was about to happen.
In this case: Phil Coulson just walked by, late by two hours and fourty-six minutes, armed with a huge grin and smiling eyes, glowing with sheer delight and, what really set off a red flag, actually said good morning to everyone (Read: Including Tony, whom he detests), whistling merrily as he walked off to his office.
Steve shifted his attention to Natasha who he could have sworn was smirking and furrowed his brows.
"Ms. Romanoff, would you happen to know why Agent Coulson is so happy?" She hummed and scratched her cheek.
"I have an idea and what did I tell you about calling me Ms. Romanoff?" Maria looked up from her salad and glared at the only other woman at the table.
"He's being a gentleman." Natasha rolled her eyes and Steve flushed a bit, shifting his posture awkwardly.
"It's okay Ms. Hill, I know she doesn't like being called that, it's just a hard habit to break. I'm not used to being so casual around ladies."
"Porque te gusta el pene, pendejo." Tony muffled into the metal slab pressing against his face. Bruce immediately spat out whatever he was drinking and coughed furiously, pounding at his chest and laughing in between gasps. Steve was unsure of what Tony had said but ignored him easily, it was a reflex by now.
"Anyway, so why is Agent Coulson so happy then?" Natasha stood up hastily and jogged off down the hallway that Phil had traveled down, leaving the others in confusion and Bruce still hacking his lungs out.
Natasha spotted Phil drinking from the water fountain down the hallway and used her super sneaky spy skills to creep up on him. When he stood straight and turned, he bumped into her unexpectedly and stumbled to catch his balance.
"Woah, Agent Romanoff, you snuck up on me." He ran his hands down his suit to smooth it out.
"Sorry, I guess we're both a little out of it today." She smiled knowingly at her superior, who cocked an eyebrow in puzzlement.
"I'm sorry? We?"
"You're unusually happy today, sir. In fact You're just happy. That in itself is a scary thought, is it not?" Phil smiled and tilted his head down when she dipped her head to her side curiously.
"You've got a point there. Guess I just woke up on the right side of the bed today."
"Yeah, Clint's always been a left-side-of-the-bed guy for as long as I can remember." Phil blushed and shot Natasha a dangerous look.
"What did you just say?"
Bingo.
"Next time you stay the night at his apartment, take an extra suit to wear the next day. You're wearing the same one from yesterday, it's wrinkled, which is uncommon for you, and it smells like Clint's apartment where you as an individual smell of Clint. Just Clint." Phil remained silent for several moments before taking a step closer and speaking very quietly.
"Natasha, if you so much as-" The red headed agent held her hand up to stop him, it worked.
"I'm not going to tell anyone. Everyone already knew this was coming. Phil, your sexual tension could be seen from Asgard, I'm sure. I've sat by patiently for over ten years waiting for you two to finally, excuse me, fuck, and it's finally happened. So you don't have to worry about me telling anyone, I'm sure they already know." She turned and started off back to the cafeteria. "Oh, and you might want to cover up Clint's stench with some cologne or something, you wreak of pizza and sex."
Thor couldn't contain his anticipation, when Natasha sat back down at the table he found himself as giddy as Loki was about being pregnant until he found out what exactly he was giving birth to all those years ago.
Maria and Steve waited till Natasha felt ready to speak, but she never did Until Tony finally spoke up.
" Y la respuestas es?"
"El finalmente tuvo relaciones sexuales con Clint. Ahora, dame el deniro, puta." Tony slammed his hands on the table and shot up, Bruce now choking on his food and on the ground.
"HIJO DE PUTA!"
Thor was now attempting to give Bruce the Heimlich Maneuver without completely crushing his insides.
General translation: Porque te gusta el pene, pendejo.: Because he likes cock, idiot.
Y la respuestas es?: And the answer is?
El finalmente tuvo relaciones sexuales con Clint. Ahora, dame el deniro, puta.: He finally had sex with Clint. Now pay up, skank.
HIJO DE PUTA!: SON OF A BITCH!