King of the Hill

A Connie & Luanne Episode

"Watch Out for Peggy!"

Written by Mr. Semaj

Act I

Scene I – Car Accident

Hank and Peggy are driving in the car.

Hank: "So I hear you're being promoted at the Arlen Bystander this week?"

Peggy: "Yep, Hank. I personally wrote the article you may have read in the newspaper. But I forged one of the rookie's names so I won't seem so conceited."

Hank laughs nervously.

Peggy: "You know, the Arlen Bystander is lucky to have someone like me. I believe that most of the crime and unemployment rates are caused by not enough people reading the newspaper. But I got an aggressive advertising campaign ahead…"

Peggy continues lecturing Hank, while neglecting to pay attention to the road.

Peggy: "…by the end of this year, Arlen Bystander will be driven right into the ground. Ho yeah!"

Hank: "Peggy, you've had some wild idea before, but I don't see how that could possibly work."

Peggy: "Oh Hank, you are never ever going to get anywhere with such a myopic demea—"

Hank: "LOOK OUT!! BWAAAAAHH!!!"

The car stops suddenly, but hits a utility pole. The impact results in glass being shattered everywhere.

Scene II – Melancholy at the Park

At the park, it is a bright sunny afternoon. Connie & Luanne are swinging together on the swing sets.

Joseph walks by sadly. The girls stop swinging.

Connie: "Joseph! What's wrong, Joseph?"

Joseph: "Nothing."

Luanne: "Do you want to talk about it?"

Joseph walks over and sits on the empty swing between Luanne and Connie.

Joseph: "Do you ever think that something is not right in your life?"

Luanne: "What do you mean?"

Joseph: "I don't know why, but it seems Mr. Redcorn wants to spend a lot of time with me. He's not my real dad."

Connie & Luanne look at each other nervously.

Connie (nervously): "Um, no…of course not."

Joseph: "And Mom has been pressuring me to spend more time with Dad. I love my dad, but…do you think that he might be a bit of a screwball?"

Silence.

Luanne tries to hold back her laughing.

Connie: "Hey Joseph, sweetie, we're gonna go climb the oak tree for a bit. Wanna come?"

Joseph (sighs): "Sure. I could use the work out."

Connie and Luanne run over to the tree. Joseph walks nonchalantly.

Scene III – Doctor's Diagnosis

Meanwhile, Hank and Peggy are escorted by an ambulance to the Arlen Medical Center.

Doctor: "Well, there were no injuries in the crash, thank God. But aside from the $3,000 in car damage, both of your glasses were destroyed.

A married couple with glasses. It's like you two are peas in a pod…in that aspect."

Peggy (facing a potted palm): "What is your recommendation, Doc?"

Doctor: "My recommendation is for the two of you get new glasses as soon as possible, and think of how you're going to cover the costs from that accident."

Peggy: "Don't worry; I'm sure my husband didn't mean to distract me. He'll pay for everything."

Hank makes an angry groan.

Scene IV – Afterschool Quality Time

At the end of the next school day, the students leave Arlen High. Joseph sees dale waiting at the front stoop.

Dale: "Hey Joseph. What are you doing tonight?"

Joseph: "My homework. We got a kick-ass astronomy test this week."

Dale: "Wrong! You're going out with me for some ice cream.

And guess who's coming with?"

Joseph: "Lemme guess…John Redcorn?"

Dale: "Wrong! It's…

Wait, you're right. John Redcorn!"

Joseph (unenthusiastically to himself): "Yipee.."

Scene V – New Prescription

At the optometrist, Hank and Peggy talk to their eye doctor about new prescriptions.

Optometrist: "You two were among the lucky ones. Do you two know how many injuries each year are caused by broken glasses?"

Hank: "Are you going to give us a stronger pair of glasses? Maybe stronger frames or lenses?"

Optometrist: "Well Mr. Hill, I'd personally hate to see such a fine gentleman as yourself risk another eye injury. I suggest you try contact lenses."

Hank & Peggy: "Contact lenses?"

Optometrist: "Echo, echo, echo…

Look, you just clean them before you place them on your eyeballs, and clean them once every six hours. It's quite simple."

Hank: "Uh, no offense, but I think I'd be better off risking broken glasses than have my eyes itchy all day."

Optometrist: "Well, suit yourself, but it's not like you can afford laser eye surgery at this point."

Hank: "Don't think that I want to."

While Hank has his back turned, Peggy removes the contact lenses pamphlet from the waste basket. She makes a devious look on her face…

One week later, Hank and Peggy go to pick up their new prescriptions.

Optometrist: "Okay Mr. and Mrs. Hill, here are your new contacts." (He hands them their prescriptions.)

Hank: "Contacts? But I specifically stated that I'm not interested!"

Optometrist: "Well Mr. Hill, I have here the documents showing that you and your wife agreed to purchase two pairs of contacts. And it has your signature…in your handwriting."

Hank: "What?! How is that even possible?"

Peggy (in her mind): "Thank you, Microsoft Word."

Optometrist: "Well, it's too late to do anything at this point. They were already half paid with your credit card too."

Hank: "Peggy, did you--"

Peggy: "Of course not, Hank. I'm insulted you would even think it. Besides, you tend to forget at least one thing when you're dealing with so many things at the same time."

Hank: "But--"

Optometrist: "Look, it's no big deal. Just try them out for ten days, and if you don't like them, we will cancel any future subscriptions, and switch straight back to your frames. Of course, I still think laser surgery would be a good option for you two."

Hank: "No."

Later, Peggy and Minh are sitting at the table over a cup of tea.

Peggy: "So, how do you like my new contacts?"

Minh: "You look younger than you normally do?"

Peggy: "What does that mean?"

Minh: "Never mind. You look fine."

Peggy: "I know. I got the blue contacts, because I believe blue symbolizes purity and reliability. I'm the most reliable person I know."

Minh: "Whatever." (sips coffee)

Peggy: "I wonder how Hank is doing with his contacts."

Out in the alley, Bill, Boomhauer, and Dale keep quiet while they notice Hank's new contact lenses.

Bill: "So Hank, what color are your lenses?"

Hank: "I wanted brown, to match my own eye color, but they were all out."

Bill: "What color are they now?"

Hank (sighs): Gray.

Brief silence.

Bill, Boomhauer, and Dale all laugh out loud.

Dale: "The tears of a clown!"

As the men continue laughing, Hank just walks away.

Hank (muttering under his breath): "Jackasses."

Scene VI – Where's Joseph?

After school, Connie rings the doorbell at the Gribbles' house.

Connie: "Hi, Mrs. Gribble. Is Joseph home?"

Nancy: "No. No he's not, Sug."

Connie: "Do you know when he will be back?"

Nancy: "He will be back as soon as you see that he's back. In the meantime, he's spending time with Mr. Gribble, because he's his real dad. He's his real dad! His real dad! Do you hear me Sug?!"

Connie: "Sure. But I--"

Nancy slams the door. Connie scratches her head.

Scene VII – Trouble with Contacts

The next day at Strickland Propane, Hank tries to make some sales with his new look.

Hank: "These grills require only 72 ounce tanks, and are guaranteed an easy step-by-step operation system."

The couple looks questioningly at Hank.

Woman: "Your eyes…"

Man: "They're so…gray."

Hank: "Yes, I know. They're my contacts."

Woman: "Of course. Actually, we're not interested in a grill right now."

The couple exits the building.

Hank (to himself): "That was the fourth time today."

The other employees start snickering behind Hank's back.

Buck: "What seems to be the problem? Hank, what on Earth happened to your eyes?"

Hank: "It's my contacts, Sir. My wife got them without my permission, and now I'm stuck with them."

Buck: "Just wear your frames, ol' top! The way you look, everybody will be playing the fool!"

Hank groans.

Later that day, Peggy is baking some cookies. While she is unloading the cookies from the oven, Hank walks into the kitchen.

Hank: "Peggy, can we talk?"

Peggy: "Sure, Hank."

Hank: "I don't think I like my contacts. Aside from the eye color, it's more of a pain to keep up with than my glasses."

Peggy: "On the contrary Hank, I've saved our lives from the next car crash you put us thru. If anything, you should be thanking me."

Hank: "Look, not only did I not cause the car crash, but—"

Peggy: "Men…they never take responsibility for anything."

Peggy removes her oven mitts as she places the cookies onto a large cookie plate.

Hank just leaves the kitchen feeling quite frustrated.

Scene VIII – Lost My Joseph

As the group heads out to the van, Nancy calls Bobby inside for a moment.

As Bobby is sitting in a chair, Nancy talks from behind him, placing her hands on his shoulders.

Nancy: "Bobby, Sug, just make sure you remain a loyal friend to Joseph as long as you can. You understand?"

Bobby: "Um, no problem, Mrs. Gribble."

As Nancy speaks, some of her blonde hair swishes into Bobby's face.

Nancy: "Joseph may be awkward, unruly, and may secretly have an illegitimate father, but he's still my son, and I'll always love him.

Bobby: "Really, it's no problem. I--"

Nancy walks in front of Bobby and gives him a big hug. Bobby's face is squished between Nancy's breasts.

Nancy: "Thank you Bobby for being Joseph's best friend."

She gives him a big kiss on the forehead.

Bobby (muffled): "NO!!!!!!!"

That afternoon, Connie is waiting on the Hills' front stoop. Luanne's car pulls into the driveway. Luanne gets out of the car and to the front door.

Luanne: "Hi Connie? What's the matter?"

Connie: "I haven't seen much of Joseph lately."

Luanne: "I'm sure he'll be around soon. He's gotta beat this depression before it beats him."

Connie: "Yeah, I guess you're right. I hope he's turning out okay with Bobby, Mr. Gribble, and Mr. Redcorn."

At the park, Bobby, Joseph, Dale, and John Redcorn spent some time together at the baseball diamond.

Dale pitches the ball, and Bobby swings. The ball bunts to the right and past first base.

Dale: "Yee-haw! Look at that ball go!"

Joseph takes Bobby's place at the batting base. John Redcorn takes Dale's place at the pitcher's mound.

John: "Okay, Joseph. You're up to bat."

Joseph: "Um, Mr. Redcorn. You're a cool dude and all, but if it's alright, I just want to play this round with Bobby."

John: "But I don't understand, Joseph. Are you not having a good time?"

Joseph: "Yeah. But I've just had a lot going on lately. I need time to think about stuff."

John hangs his head.

Dale: "Well, looks like you and me, John."

John: "You go ahead, Dale. I need a moment alone."

Dale: "Okay. I'll be warming up in the meantime."

Dale walks to the vacant part of the field. John looks over at Joseph and Bobby playing ball.

John (to himself): "Son." (sheds a tear)

(end of Act I)