She wakes up and she gets dressed and she goes to school when she'd rather go somewhere else – the beach, the stores on the strip… even the damn mall… anywhere would do…
But it isn't the books and it isn't the one or two friends and it isn't any notion of higher education – it isn't the threat of not graduating or the false punishment her mother might give… none of those things could ever make her get up this early and throw herself into the fray of other students.
Except Spencer.
Just Spencer.
Only Spencer.
And Ashley finds herself stuck in traffic and her sunglasses aren't dark enough and this coffee is not as strong as it should be – everything smells of smog and impatience, she forgot her books in her locker anyway and so that homework never got done.
And she'd rather be driving to anywhere then King High.
She'd rather be breaking every law on every highway, going to some other city… some other state… some other place anywhere in the world.
But then she pictures blue eyes and a sweet smile and a head tilt and coaxing hands and a teasing voice and… then she pictures a warm embrace and a genuine soul and a steadfast shoulder by her side…
…Ashley thinks of Spencer.
And she can't just leave, not now, not ever.
Ashley thinks of Spencer and what they might talk about and what they might laugh about.
Ashley thinks of all the things that she's never shared, but knows that Spencer will pull it out of her – without even trying, without even asking.
Ashley thinks of all the moments she might miss if she took off and didn't look back, all the seconds of…
God, don't think it. Don't think it. Don't admit that one, Davies. Don't let that one slip. It's too soon… too much… too dangerous… Don't do it. C'mon, keep it silent. Keep it hidden away.
Don't you know you don't have a heart anyway?
…all the seconds of love, just pumping underneath the surface and tempting her so innocently, rumbling to life like a beautiful and terrifying beast – all the fucking love that Ashley has given and been denied in receiving, all the fucking love that Ashley has craved and been cut off from, all the fucking love that Ashley has dreamed of and didn't dare believe in…
If Ashley were to miss a single day with Spencer, then it might never happen.
And of all the things that she can live with, Ashley can't live with that.
Not today.
Not now.
Not ever.
She pulls into the parking lot and she can barely find a space for her car and she curses a blue-streak and she is late to that stupid history class already – her coffee is cold and she left her phone at home and her sighs just get more frequent as she slams her door.
But there is Spencer, leaning against a dirty metal post and with a book-bag slung over her shoulder and shaking her head slowly and still smiling softly – blonde hair moving distantly in this September breeze and fluttering over the girl's face and Ashley wonders what it would feel like to push those golden strands aside…
And that's why Ashley is here at all, walking to class and making jokes and listening to a teacher give her detention – all for Spencer, always for Spencer.
Because she's so hopelessly—
Don't think it. Stop this. Don't be stupid. C'mon, you don't feel this way. This isn't true. This isn't you.
Don't do it, Davies. Don't give in and don't pretend this is something real.
Don't you know you don't have a chance in hell anyway…?
--in love with Spencer Carlin and the world just falls away and all these lessons are meaningless because she is learning the most wonderful thing when looking into Spencer's eyes.
No, please don't say it… please don't say it…
"Spence…"
"God, that test was hard, wasn't it? Do you think you passed?"
"Uh, maybe, doesn't matter—"
"Ash, it counts for half our final grade… you didn't study at all, did you?"
"I never study, Spence, but listen—"
"Seriously, what am I going to do with you? I am not going to graduate alone when the time comes, Miss Davies… so get your act together."
With a wink and playful smirk, Spencer runs to her next class and turns at the last minute to wave and then a door closes the girl away… leaving Ashley standing in river of random classmates and friends cajoling one another and fateful words lingering on her useless tongue.
Saved by the bell. Now you are safe. Because you don't feel that way. Don't even think it. It's not what you do. It's not how you really feel… right?
Right?
But she stays at school and she cracks open that book of advanced algebra – not knowing how she got into that class anyway – and she bides her time until lunch, when she can finally see Spencer again and if her own mind doesn't get in the way…
… if the bell doesn't ring too soon…
… if they get a table to themselves…
… if Spencer stays quiet for more than a moment…
You are certifiable, you know?
She'll never return these feelings. She'll never want you. Don't do this to yourself. Don't risk it. Don't ruin this. Don't lose your cool like this.
"I know you never pack anything, so I made you a sandwich. It's not much, though, because I didn't have a lot of time."
"Thanks."
"My pleasure."
And Clay is meandering over and Aiden is texting her, asking to join them – and there is some girl waving at Spencer and Spencer is motioning the girl over – and there isn't enough time and Ashley's hands are clammy and her stomach kind of hurts and she'd scream out in frustration if it would do any good.
But she leans over anyway and she presses her lips to Spencer's cheek, which feels delicate and smooth and lovely, and Ashley lingers there for as long as she can – wishing everyone away and doing her best to make this last and make this count.
Damn, you've done it now… This'll fuck it all up. This will be the end of it all.
I told you and I told you. I warned you.
Don't you know that people like us don't ever get something this good?
Who are you trying to kid here?
But Spencer is smiling a new smile – broad and shocked and so deliriously happy – and this is why Ashley gets up and gets dressed and comes to school… this is why she braves the L.A. morning crush and the pollution and the brightness of the morning… this is why she fights other cars for a parking space and why she asks for a double shot of espresso in her coffee… this is why she takes every single detention and this is why she even tries to read those chapters for those classes that mean absolutely nothing to her.
All for Spencer Carlin.
Just for Spencer Carlin.
Only for Spencer Carlin.
And for all the things in Ashley's life that aren't worth a damn, this is the one thing that is worth it all.
///
::END::