Author's Notes: Well, I've finally finished. It took quite awhile, but I'm done, and pretty proud of it too! Be warned: It's LONG. This story was written by Lil_Angel_Blue_Eyes. All Sailormoon characters are (c) Naoko Takeuchi, Toei Animation, Kodansha Comics, etc. This story is (obviously) a Monty Python/Sailormoon crossover. And now, with that said, may I present to you: Monty Mistress Nine and the Holy Grail!
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[Episode preview music plays.]
Usagi V.O.: Today on Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon, we are going to have lots of fun!
[Clip of Usagi and Tuxedo Kamen hurling swords at each other.]
Usagi V.O.: Also, we're going to see some familiar faces!
[Clip of the Mimete blowing things up.]
Usagi V.O.: And many people you don't like are going to die!
[Clip of Kakyuu-hime hitting the Three Lights over the head with Chibi-Chibi.]
Usagi V.O.: And remember, if you don't like it, TOUGH! I mean...Tsukini Kawatte, OSHIOKYO!
[Moonlight Densetsu starts to play, but then we hear the sound of a scratching record. A title appears on screen.]
Monty Mistress 9 and the Holy Grail
Usagi V.O.: MONCHI MISUTORESU NAINU TO SEIHAI!
[credits role]
[The sound of a horse galloping is heard in the distance. Usagi is seen bouncing over the hill, followed by Luna with a huge bag full of stuff on her back, clacking coconuts together. They are heading towards a castle. Cyprine is seen at the top of the castle. Usagi stops at the castle, and Cyprine looks down at her.]
Cyprine: Halt! Who goes there?
Usagi: I am Usagi from Tokyo! Daughter of Queen Serenity! Defeater of really evil villains! Sovereign of all anime! And this is my trusty servant Luna! We have traveled the land in search of senshi to join our team!
Cyprine: Where's your horse? You're using coconuts!
Usagi: I am not!
Cyprine: Yes you are! Where'd you get the coconuts?
Usagi: We found them!
Cyprine: You found them? Here?
Usagi: What do you mean?
Cyprine: This is a temperate zone!
Usagi: The daimons may run south, but they are not strangers to us!
Cyprine: Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
Usagi: Not at all! Maybe a daimon carried one.
Cyprine: A daimon? Carrying a coconut?
Usagi: It could grip it by the husk!
Cyprine: It doesn't matter where they grip it, it's a matter of looks! A disturbing-looking daimon, carrying a cute little coconut?
Usagi: It doesn't matter!
[At the top of the castle, Pikurol appears next to Cyprine.]
Pikurol: Two is one, one is--
[Cyprine smacks her.]
Pikurol: Oh...sorry. *ahem* It could have been carried by an lemure!
Cyprine: Maybe, but not a daimon!
Pikurol: Oh yeah, I agree with that!
[Usagi and Luna decide to move on. They come to a poor village. Sick people are seen all around. Hotaru is collecting dead bodies.]
Hotaru: Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!
[Demando appears, carrying the Wiseman over his shoulder.]
Demando: Here's one!
Wiseman: I'm not dead!
Hotaru: He's not dead!
Demando: He will be in a moment, he's very ill.
Wiseman: I'm getting better! I don't want to go on the cart! I feel happy! I feel happy!
[Hotaru hits him over the head with her glaive.]
Hotaru: There you go.
Demando: Thank you. See you on Thursday.
[Usagi and Luna "ride" by.]
Demando: Who's that?
Hotaru: I don't know. Must be royalty.
Demando: How can you tell that?
Hotaru: Look at those things on the top of her head!
Demando: Oh, I see.
[Usagi and Luna come to a field where people are working. Rubeus is working in a field and Usagi approaches him.]
Usagi: Old woman!
Rubeus: Man!
Usagi: Sorry! Who lives in that castle over there?
Rubeus: I'm 37! I'm not old!
Usagi: Well I couldn't have just called you "man!"
Rubeus: You could've called me Rubeus! That's my name.
Usagi: I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Rubeus: Well you didn't bother to find out, did you? You automatically treat me like an inferior!
Usagi: Well, I am Princess Serenity.
Rubeus: OooOooh, I guess that makes you special, doesn't it?
Usagi: Well, actually--
[Rubeus starts going on and on about government, when Saffir appears and throws himself on the ground.]
Saffir: Oh, what lovely filth down here! Oh hello!
Usagi: Hello, I am Usagi, princess of shoujo manga!
Saffir: I didn't know we had a princess!
Rubeus: We don't, we're living in a dictatorship!
[Rubeus and Saffir babble on about government for about five minutes, while Usagi holds her hands over her ears.]
Usagi: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Saffir: Order us, do you?
Usagi: Yes, I am your princess!
Saffir: Well, I didn't vote for you.
Usagi: You don't vote for a princess! I was walking down the streets of Juuban one day, when a black cat appeared before me, and gave me a henshin broach. I was able to transform into the Sailorsenshi known as Sailormoon, and--
Rubeus: Look, alien cats walking down the sidewalk, distributing jewelry is no basis for a system of government!
Usagi: Shut up! Shut up, will you, shut up!
Rubeus: Help, help, I'm being repressed! Do you see her repressing me?
Usagi: UGGH!!
[Usagi leaves, and is next seen in a forest. Fighting is heard, and as Usagi gets closer, she sees that the two people fighting are Tsukikage no Knight and Tuxedo Kamen. Usagi just sits there and watches. Tsukikage no Knight charges at Tuxedo Kamen and screams a battle cry. Tuxedo Kamen replies by sticking a rose in Tsukikage no Knight's eyes, thus killing him. Usagi then approaches Tuxedo Kamen.]
Usagi: You fight with the strength of many men, Tuxedo Kamen-sama.
[Tuxedo Kamen is silent.]
Usagi: I am Usagi! Keeper of the ginzuishou! I am looking for senshi to join me at Crystal Tokyo!
[Silence.]
Usagi: You make me sad, Sir Mamo-chan.
[She goes to leave.]
Tuxedo Kamen: None shall pass.
Usagi: What?
Tuxedo Kamen: None shall pass.
Usagi: I have no quarrels with you! I must cross this bridge!
Tuxedo Kamen: Then you shall... *dramatic pause* shi'ne.
Usagi: STAND ASIDE!
Tuxedo Kamen: I move for no man.
Usagi: I am not a man!
Tuxedo Kamen: Sorry. I move for no person.
Usagi: So be it!
[They fight for awhile until Usagi brings out the Spiral Moon Heart Rod, shouts "MOON SPIRAL HEART ATTACK!" and Tuxedo Kamen's arm falls off.]
Usagi: Now stand aside, worthy advisory.
Tuxedo Kamen: 'Tis but a scratch!
Usagi: What!? Your arm's off!
Tuxedo Kamen: No it isn't.
Usagi: Then what's that, then?
[Usagi gestures to Tuxedo Kamen's arm, lying on the ground, and Tuxedo Kamen looks at it and laughs.]
Tuxedo Kamen: I've had worse. Come on, you pansy!
[Tuxedo Kamen rushes at Usagi, and Usagi uses her attack so that his other arm comes off.]
Usagi: Victory is mine!
[Usagi kneels downs to pray to Puu, and Tuxedo Kamen kicks Usagi on the head.]
Tuxedo Kamen: Come on! Come on!
Usagi: Stop it! This fight is mine!
Tuxedo Kamen: Oh, had enough, eh?
Usagi: Stop it, you've got no arms left!
Tuxedo Kamen: Yes I have!
[He kicks her in the behind.]
Usagi: All right then!
[Again, Usagi uses her attack, and off comes one of Tuxedo Kamen's legs. Tuxedo Kamen hops around on the only limb he has left.]
Tuxedo Kamen: Right! I'll do you for that!
Usagi: You'll what!? What are you going to do, bleed on me?
[Tuxedo Kamen rushes at her again.]
Tuxedo Kamen: I'M INVINCIBLE!
Usagi: You're a looney.
Tuxedo Kamen: MAMO-CHAN ALWAYS TRIUMPHS! Come on, then!
[Usagi uses her attack again, and Tuxedo Kamen is leg-less. He sits up on his stumps.]
Tuxedo Kamen: Alright then, we'll call it a draw.
Usagi: Come on, Luna.
[Luna comes out from her hiding place behind a tree and follows Usagi as she leaves Tuxedo Kamen.]
Tuxedo Kamen: I see, running away? Come back here and take what's coming to you!
[There is a quick cut to the next scene, four men are seen chanting in Latin. They are Jadeite, Nephrite, Zoisite, and Kunzite. They stop to slam wood things against their heads, and then continue chanting. As the camera pans left, we see a bunch of pheasants pushing Nephrenia up to a platform where Minako stands, zoning off into space. Nephrenia is dressed up as a witch with a fake nose and ratty clothes.]
Peasants: WITCH! She's a witch! Witch! We've got a witch!
Tsukino Kenji: We have found a witch, may we burn her?
Minako: How do you know she is a witch?
Tsukino Shingo: She looks like one!
Minako: Bring her forward.
Nephrenia: I am not a witch!
Minako: But you are dressed as one.
Nephrenia: They dressed me like this.
Peasants: No! No we didn't!
Nephrenia: And this isn't my nose, it's a false one!
[Minako lifts up the fake nose that is on Nephrenia's face.]
Minako: Well?
Tsukino Kenji: Well, we did do the nose.
Minako: The nose?
Tsukino Kenji: And the hat. But she is a witch!
Peasants: BURN HER, BURN HER!
Minako: Did you...dress her up like this?
Pheasents: NO!
Tsukino Kenji: No!
Peasants: Yes...
Tsukino Kenji: Yes...a bit. She has got a wart!
Minako: What makes you think she is a witch?
Tsukino Shingo: She turned me into a NEWT!
Minako: A newt?
Tsukino Shingo: *pauses* I got better...
Tsukino Ikuko: BURN HER ANYWAY!
[We see Usagi and Luna enter the scene.]
Minako: Quiet, quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch!
Tsukino Kenji: There are? What are they? Tell us!
Tsukino Ikuko: Tell us, tell us!
Minako: What do we do with witches?
Peasants: BURRRN THEM!
Minako: And what do we burn apart from witches?
Tsukino Kenji: MORE WITCHES!
Tsukino Ikuko: WOOD!
Minako: So why do witches burn?
[Long pause.]
Tsukino Shingo: Because they're made of wood?
Minako: Goood! So. How to we tell if she is made of wood?
Tsukino Kenji: Build a bridge out of her!
Minako: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
[Another long pause.]
Minako: Does wood sink in water?
Tsukino Kenji: No, it floats!
Minako: What also floats in water?
Tsukino Kenji: Bread!
Tsukino Ikuko: Apples!
Tsukino Shingo: Very small rocks!
[Many different things are called out as Minako shakes her head.]
Usagi: A DUCK!
[The crowd gasps.]
Minako: Exactly! So, logically, if...
Tsukino Kenji: She...weighs...the same as a duck...she's made of wood!
Minako: And therefore...
[Pause.]
Tsukino Kenji: A WITCH!
Peasants: A WITCH! A WITCH!
Minako: We should use my larger scales.
[She hops off of the platform she's standing on. The all run over to two scales, placing Nephrenia in one and a duck in the other. The scales teeter a little bit and then even out. Somehow, Nephrenia weighs the same as a duck. They all run off to burn her, except Minako, whom Usagi approaches.]
Minako: Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?
Usagi: I am Usagi, princess of Tokyo.
[Minako bows before Usagi.]
Minako: My liege!
Usagi: Good Sailorsenshi, would you join my senshi team as we make our way to Crystal Tokyo?
Minako: I would be honored!
Usagi: What is your name?
Minako: Aino Minako, but you may call me Minako-chan, or Mina-chan, or Mina-P, or--
Usagi: Then I dub you SIR MINAKO, Sailorvenus!
Narrator: The wise Sir Minako was the first to join Usagi's Sailorsenshi Team. More were soon to follow. Sir Haruka, Sailoruranus, the Brave.
[Clip of Haruka fighting back hoards of her groupies.]
Groupies: Haruka-saammaaaa...
Haruka: Argh! Back! Back I say!
Groupies: Noooo!
Haruka: GET BACK!
Narrator: Sir Ami, Sailormercury, the Pure.
[Clip of Ami covering her eyes as the other Inner Senshi peek through the bushes (a la the R movie).]
Ami: Bad, bad, bad, spying on them!
Chibi-usa: Geez, Ami-chan, really...
Ami: It's bad, bad!
Narrator: Sir Kakyuu, the Not-Quite-So-Brave-As Sir Haruka...
[Clip of Kakyuu-hime twirling a strand of hair around her finger.]
Narrator: ...Who had nearly fought Galaxia...
[Clip of Kakyuu-hime hiding in a closet while Galaxia looks around for her.]
Narrator: ...Who had almost kicked Taiki in the forehead...
[Clip of Kakyuu-hime slipping in a puddle of water, her shoe flying off as she flips over, and Taiki barely escaping the shoe in time to save his precious forehead.]
Narrator: And who had personally picked up her skirts and ran when she saw the Starlights henshin for the first time.
[Clip of Kakyuu-hime staring at the Starlights.]
Kakyuu: Men? MEN? You disguised yourselves as men!?
Seiya: Well, uh...we can fix that...FIGHTER STAR POWER!
Taiki: MAKER STAR POWER!
Yaten: HEALER STAR POWER!
All: MAKE UP!
Kakyuu: ...Holy-- ARRGGGGHHH!!
Narrator: And the aptly named, Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Film.
[Clip of Galaxia looking pissed.]
Narrator: Together they formed a Sailorsenshi Team, whose names and deeds would be retold through manga, anime, and video games!
[Now we see our group of senshi hopping up and down across the land, each senshi has someone following behind them with coconuts, making clacking sounds. Behind Usagi is Luna, Rei follows Minako, Makoto is following Ami, Michiru is behind Haruka, and Chibi-Chibi is struggling along behind Kakyuu-hime.]
Minako: So you see, Usagi-chan, the way to get good grades on your English test is to go to America, live there for a few years, and hopefully by then you should know a few words. Then return to your school and I bet you'll ace those tests!
Usagi: Really, Minako-chan, isn't there an easier way?
Minako: NO!!
Haruka: Look, Odango-chan!
[The group looks to where Haruka is pointing. She is pointing at a large crystal-looking castle.]
Usagi: Crystal Tokyo!
Ami: Crystal Tokyo!
Haruka: Crystal Tokyo!
Luna: It's only a model.
Usagi: Shh, Luna. Sailorsenshi, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride to...Crystal Tokyo!
[Music starts up, it's Moonlight Densetsu, and Chibi-usa is singing.]
Chibi-usa: Gomen ne sunao janakute,
Yume no naka naga i--
[We hear gunshots, and the singing stops.]
Usagi: Um...let's skip Crystal Tokyo. Scary people live there.
[The Sailorsenshi are traveling along a hill when they hear a voice. It sounds mysteriously like Setsuna's.]
Setsuna: Usagi...Usagi, Queen of Crystal Tokyo!
[Setsuna's image appears in the clouds and all of the senshi bow down before her.]
Setsuna: Oh, don't grovel! One thing I can't stand is people groveling! Everytime I try to talk to someone it's "Puu," this and "Puu," that and "Puu, can I go back in time to save so-and-so," so knock it off!
Usagi: Yes, Puu!
Setsuna: Usagi, Queen of Crystal Tokyo, your Sailorsenshi shall have a task to make them an example in these hard times.
Usagi: Why are they hard times?
Setsuna: Because I said so!!
Usagi: Oh, um...Good idea, O Puu!
Setsuna: OF COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA! Behold, Usagi, this is the Holy Grail, the Sacred Cup, the Sacred Chalice, the Seihai, or whatever you want to call the thing. With this you can power up into Super Sailormoon. This is your purpose, Usagi. The Quest for the Holy Grail.
Haruka: Ano...excuse me...do Michiru and I have to die this time?
Setsuna: You don't want to die this time?
Michiru: Not necessarily.
[Setsuna pulls out a pen and quickly rewrites the script.]
Setsuna: No. You don't have to die.
Haruka: Oh...that's good.
[The clouds close and Setsuna is no longer seen.]
Ami: Puu be praised!
[Clip of all of the senshi bowing down before Setsuna, who is wearing a huge grin.]
Setsuna: God has three letters, Puu has three letters. What more can you want?
[Um...anyway. Our group of senshi moves on to another castle. Usagi looks up to the top and calls out to them.]
Usagi: Koooonnniiiichiii waaaa!!
[Mistress 9 pops her head out and answers back, in a thick Japanese accent.]
Mistress 9: Herro? Who is it?
Usagi: It is Usagi, and these are my Sailorsenshi. Who's castle is this?
Mistress 9: This is the caserre of my mastaa, Mastaa Pharaoh 90!
Usagi: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by Puu with a sacred quest to find the Seihai!
Mistress 9: Werr, I'r ask him, but I don't think he'rr be beri keen, he's arready got one, see?
Usagi: What?
Ami: She says they've already got one!
Usagi: You've already got one?
Mistress 9: Hai, it's beri nice!
[Mistress 9 leans back to speak to others in the castle, and we can see that they are Eudial and Villuy.]
Mistress 9: I told them we already had one!
[Eudial and Villuy snicker.]
Usagi: May we come up and have a look?
Mistress 9: Of course not! You are Engrish persons!
Usagi: Um...no, we're not...we're Japanese, like you!
Mistress 9: Then why are you tarking in Engrish?
Usagi: This is a...movie...for...English people...
Ami: Excuse me, if you are Japanese, what are you doing in England?
Mistress 9: I am getting paid good money to appear in this sirry moobi!
Usagi: If you will not let us come up, then we will take your castle by force!
Mistress 9: You don't frighten my, Engrish rabbit girr!
Usagi: I TOLD you, I'm not English!
Mistress 9: Go and cook your odango, daughter of sirry kuiin! I wirr wrap my hair around your neck!
Ami: She's even weirder than ME...
Usagi: Now look here--
Mistress 9: I don wanna tark to you no more, you airheaded bunny, you dumpring headed person! Your mother was a jackrabbit and your father smert of moonshine!
[Usagi rolls her eyes at all the bad references to the moon and rabbits.]
Ami: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
Mistress 9: Go away or I sharr taunt you a second taimu!
Usagi: Now, this is your last chance. I think I have been more than reasonable--
[Mistress 9 turns to Eudial and Villuy and tells them something in Japanese. They nod, and hurry off to do something.]
Usagi: --if you would just agree with my commands--
[A loud sound is heard, and suddenly a daimon comes flying over the castle walls.]
Daimon: Neeekkooooo-neeeerrruuuuuu!!
Usagi: YAAH!
All: CHARGE!
[They run towards the castle as dozens of daimons are launched at them.]
Daimon: Uuutooommaaaddaaachiiii!!
Daimon: Maaaakuuujiiii!
Daimon: Steeerrinngguu!
Usagi: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Haruka: How dare they launch recycled daimons at us!
Minako: Usagi-chan, I have a plan...
[Mistress 9 is standing at her post, and she begins to hear noises in the forest. Slowly, a huge Trojan-horse-like wooden rabbit is pushed up to the castle by the senshi. At the gate, they leave it and run back to the forest. Eudial pokes her head out to examine the rabbit. Slowly Mistress 9, Eudial, and Villuy sneak out of the castle and take the rabbit back in.]
Usagi: So, what happens now?
Minako: Okay, now, Haruka-san, Ami-chan, and I wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking Mistress 9 and her witch friends by surprise. Not only taking them by surprise, but totally unarmed!
Usagi: Who leaps out?
Minako: Haruka-san, Ami-chan, and I...leap...out of...the rabbit...
Usagi: UGH...
Minako: Look, if we built this large, wooden odango...
[Usagi smacks Minako. Suddenly there is another loud sound, and the giant wooden rabbit is launched over the castle walls.]
Usagi: Uh...RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
[There is a quick scene change. Now we see a man with white hair, glinting glasses, and a big red smile. Yes, it's Professor Tomoe.]
Tomoe: Defeat at the castle seemed to have utterly disheartened Usagi. The ferocity of Mistress 9 and her daimons took the Sailorsenshi completely by surprise, and Usagi was convinced that new strategies would be needed if the quest for the Seihai would be completed. Usagi decided that her senshi team should separate. But I seriously doubt they will get past those daimons, after all, I made them. Then we can...TAKE OVER THE WORLD!! Mwaha, MWAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHEEHEEHEEHOOHOOHOOHAHAA!!
[All of the sudden, a berserk daimon comes running up from nowhere and kills Professor Tomoe. Kaolinite comes running up to him, screaming.]
Kaolinite: PROFESSOR!
[A title appears on screen: "The Tale of Sir Kakyuu."]
Narrator: So the senshi went their separate ways. Sir Kakyuu rode north, through the dark forest of Euwing, accompanied by her favorite minstrels.
[We see Kakyuu-hime traveling through the forest, followed by Chibi-Chibi and the Three Lights, who are singing "Nagareboshi hi."]
Seiya: Kotaete!
Yaten and Taiki: Answer for meee...
Seiya: Imasugu!
Yaten and Taiki: Answer for meee...
Seiya: Kotaete!
Yaten and Taiki: Answer for meee...
Seiya: Yasashiku!
Yaten and Taiki: Answer for meee...
Kakyuu: Shut up, shut UP, SHUT UP! Would you sing something different for a change!?
Seiya: Um...okay...urm...how about...
Three Lights: Yume no naka de nan domo, so tsu to kuchizuke kawashi--
Kakyuu: I don't like that one EITHER!
Taiki: Gee, you don't like anything today, do you?
Kakyuu: DON'T QUESTION ME!
Three voices: HALT! WHO ART THOU!?
[Kakyuu-hime looks up to see a person with three heads. The heads are Tigers Eye, Hawks Eye, and Fish Eye.]
Kakyuu: Oh...nobody...I'm just passing by...
Amazon Trio: What do you want?
Seiya: We're looking fo--
[Kakyuu-hime clamps a hand over his mouth.]
Kakyuu: Just passing through...
Amazon Trio: Well, we're afraid not.
Kakyuu: Well...I am with Usagi's Sailorsenshi...
Amazon Trio: You're a Sailorsenshi?
Yaten: I am! I am! Yaaay!
Kakyuu: No...I'm just their princess...
Tiger's Eye: Then I'll have to kill you.
Hawk's Eye: Shall I?
Fish Eye: I don't think so! Hey...you haven't by any chance seen anyone named Mamoru lately, have you?
Tiger's Eye: Oh, shut up! I want to cut his head off!
Fish Eye: Hmph, cut your own head off.
Hawk's Eye: Yeah, do us all a favor!
Fish Eye: He's always bothering me!
Hawk's Eye: You're lucky, you're not next to him.
Tiger's Eye: What do you mean?
Hawk's Eye: You snore.
Tiger's Eye: I'm too beautiful to snore! Anyway, you're hair is always in my face.
Hawk's Eye: It's only because you don't brush it!
Fish Eye: Stop bitching and just get on with it, you two!
Tiger's Eye: Okay! Let's kill him!
Hawk's Eye and Fish Eye: Right.
[They look down and see...no Kakyuu-hime. She has ran off into the woods.]
Seiya: Hey, why did you run away?
Yaten: Why didn't you fight them?
Taiki: Haruka would have fought them!
Kakyuu: Who cares about Haruka?
Seiya: It's fun to piss her off. ^_^
Kakyuu: You are such an idiot.
[Another title screen comes up, "The Tale of Sir Ami." We see Ami and Makoto walking through the forest, and they see a castle. They are walking up to the castle, when suddenly the screen rips, and we can see a bunch of DiC workers snipping away at the film.]
DiC Worker #1: The upcoming scene is not suitable for children. For this reason, we must CUT IT OUT!
All DiC Workers: MWAHAHAHA! MWHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!
DiC Worker #1: Anyway, we will be continuing the film after the part that is not suitable...oh, what the hell.
DiC Worker #2: Umm...
DiC Worker #1: Heck, heck, what the heck.
[Toei workers run in, screaming, and chase the DiC workers out.]
Toei worker #1: Sorry about that, but seeing as how they cut up this part of the film into little tiny pieces, we won't be able to show that to you. We'll have to continue on to the part that isn't in little bits all over the floor. Thank you for understanding.
[The scene returns to normal, with Ami standing in the middle of a forest.]
Ami: This sucks. Why my scene?
Narrator: *ahem* Meanwhile, Usagi and Sir Minako, not more than a daimon's leap away (a daimon not carrying a coconut, obviously, it would look too silly), had discovered something.
[Usagi and Minako are talking to a giant bug, which turns out to be who else than Zirconia. Zircon is perched on the ground, its flames providing light. Luna and Rei are sitting behind Usagi and Minako.]
Usagi: And this enchanter of who you speak, she has seen the Seihai?
Zirconia: Hee hee hee hee hee...
Usagi: Where does she live? Old woman, where does she live?
Zirconia: She knows of a cave, a cave which no person has entered!
Usagi: And the Seihai, the Seihai is there?
Zirconia: There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies--
Usagi: But the SEIHAI! Where is the Seihai!
Zirconia: Over the Bridge of Death!
Usagi: The Bridge of Death?
[Ziconia disappears, and Usagi and Minako are left sitting alone in the forest. They stand up and begin traveling through the forest again. Suddenly, a huge figure appears before them. It is ParaPara on stilts. CereCere, JunJun, and VesVes pop their heads up from the bushes around her.]
ParaPara: NI!
Usagi: Who are you?
ParaPara: ParaPara and her friends are the Circus Performers Who Say...NI!
Usagi: No! Not the Circus Performers Who Say Ni!
ParaPara: The same! ParaPara and her friends are the keepers of the sacred words, "Ni," "Ping," and "NEEEWAAAAM!"
Usagi: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
ParaPara: ParaPara demands...a sacrifice!
Usagi: Circus Performers Who Say Ni, we are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods--
ParaPara: NI!
Amazoness Quartet: Ni! Ni! Ni!
ParaPara: We shall say "Ni" again to you if you do not appease us.
Usagi: Well, what is it you want?
ParaPara: ParaPara wants...A SHRUBBERY!
Usagi: What?
ParaPara: NI!
Usagi: Fine then, we will find you a shrubbery!
ParaPara: You must find ParaPara a shrubbery, or you will never pass through this wood...alive.
Usagi: O Circus Performers of Ni, you are just and fair, we will find you a shrubbery--
ParaPara: One that looks nice.
Usagi: Of course--
ParaPara: And not to expensive.
Usagi: Yes.
ParaPara: Now...GO!
[A title that says "The Tale of Sir Haruka" appears on the screen. We see Queen Beryl and Motoki inside a castle, looking out the window.]
Beryl: One day lad, all of this will be yours. That will be your kingdom, lad.
Motoki: But I don't want any of that!
Beryl: Look! I built this kingdom out of nothing, and look how it turned out! All nice and gloomy and dark and everything. That is why we call it the Dark Kingdom! And that is what you're getting!
Motoki: But I don't want any of that, I'd rather--
Beryl: Rather what?
Motoki: Sing!
Beryl: Stop that, you're not going to do any of that while I'm here! Now listen. In twenty minutes you're getting married to a girl whose father owns a lot of open land in Tokyo--
Motoki: But I don't want land...
Beryl: Listen, Motoki, we live in a dank dark place! We need all the land we can get!
Motoki: But I don't like her!
Beryl: You'll like her! She's beautiful, she's rich, she's got...a lot of land.
Motoki: I know, but I want the girl I marry to have a certain...special...something!
[Music starts up.]
Beryl: Stop that, stop that! You're marrying this girl, Motoki, so you better get used to that! Guards!
[Sailor Aluminum Siren and Sailor Lead Crow walk in.]
Beryl: He is not to leave the room until I come and get him.
Aluminum Siren: Umm...he is not to leave the room, even if you come and get him?
Beryl: No. Until I come and get him.
Aluminum Siren: We are not to stay in the room?
Beryl: No, you are to stay in the room--
Aluminum Siren: Until you come and get him.
Lead Crow: *hiccups*
Beryl: Right.
Aluminum Siren: If we, uh, if we...um...if we...
Beryl: Look. It's quite simple. You just stay here, and make sure he doesn't leave the room until I come and get him. Okay?
Aluminum Siren: Can he leave the room with us?
Beryl: No, no...
Lead Crow: *hiccups*
Beryl: Have you got it?
Aluminum Siren: Yes, it's quite clear to me now.
Motoki: But--
[Music starts up.]
Beryl: AND NO SINGING!
[She finally leaves the room. Motoki innocently wanders over to a piece of paper, writes something on it, folds it up into a paper airplane shape, and launches it out the window. Aluminum Siren and Lead Crow smile at him. The scene changes, and we see Haruka and Michiru hopping over small streams. Suddenly Michiru screams, and Haruka looks back.]
Michiru: AAAAAAAAHHH!
Haruka: What is it?
[Haruka turns around to see Michiru with a paper airplane stuck in her hair.]
Michiru: MY HAIR! IT'S MUSSED MY HAIR!
Haruka: Oh...what is it?
Michiru: I don't know, but IT'S IN MY HAIR!
[Haruka takes the airplane out of Michiru's hair. Michiru is still twitching as Haruka unfolds the airplane.]
Haruka: "To anyone who finds this, I am being imprisoned by Queen Beryl, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me; I am in the tall tower of the Dark Kingdom." At last! This may be the sign that leads us to the Seihai! Brave, brave, Michi! You shall not have had your hair mussed in vain!
Michiru: It's okay now.
Haruka: Oh, I see.
Michiru: Actually I think I can go with you now. *straightens hair*
Haruka: No, sweet Michiru! Stay here! I will send help! And now I will attempt a heroic rescue in my own particular...Uhhmmm...My own particular...*looks at Michi* What's the next word?
Michi: Idium, Haruka.
Haruka: Yes! Idium! *dashes off heroic-like*
Michiru: So I'll stay here then, right?
[The scene changes to the front of the castle where Iron Mouse and Tin Nyanko are standing welcoming guests. Iron Mouse is eating an apple, and Tin Nyanko is checking out a guest. They look and see Haruka running toward them. They continue what they were doing before. When they look again, Haruka is still running toward them, in the same place she was a minute ago. Again, they continue their activities, and when they look up for the third time, Haruka is STILL running toward them in the same place she was before. Iron Mouse keeps eating her apple, and Tin Nyanko just stares at Haruka. All of the sudden, Haruka suddenly appears in front of them and runs Iron Mouse through with her sword and dashes into the castle.]
Tin Nyanko: Hey.
[Once inside the castle, Haruka goes on a killing spree. She stabs anyone in her way. She makes her way up to Motoki's room, and stabs Aluminum Siren and Lead Crow and kneels before Motoki.]
Haruka: Oh fair one! Behold your servant, Sir Haruka of Crystal Tokyo, I--what the? *stands up*
Motoki: Oh! You've come to rescue me!!!
Haruka: No, well you see...
Motoki: I KNEW someone would! I knew that someone out there, somewhere...*music starts up*
Beryl: Stop that! Stop that! Who are you?
Motoki: I'm your son...
Beryl: Not you, you!
Haruka: I'm Sir Haruka of Crystal Tokyo.
Motoki: She's come to rescue me father! Or are you my mother?
Beryl: Shut up! You know those guards are expensive? They cost 500000 yen each!
Haruka: I'm awfully sorry!
Motoki: Quick, Sir Haruka! I've got a rope ready!
Haruka: Well, I thought that he was a girl.
Beryl: I can understand that!
Motoki: Hurry, Sir Haruka! Hurry!
Beryl: Shut up! You know you killed eight wedding guests in all? And you kicked the bride in the chest!
Haruka: I'm so sorry. I just got carried away! I got this note when I was riding north from Crystal Tokyo and…
Beryl: Did you say Crystal Tokyo? Would you like to have a drink?
Motoki: Hurry! I'm ready!
Haruka: Well that's awfully nice of you to ask…Sure!
Motoki: HARUKA-SAN! I'M READY! HURRY!
[Beryl cuts Motoki's rope and walks downstairs with Haruka to have a drink. Downstairs there is much wailing and gnashing of teeth because the wedding was ruined.]
Yuuichirou: There she is!
Beryl: Oh. Bloody hell.
[Haruka runs down the stairs and starts killing people again.]
Beryl: Stop it! Stop it!
Haruka: Sorry! Sorry! See there? I get so carried away!
Yuuichirou: She's killed the best man!
Beryl: Hold it! Hold it! This is Sir Haruka from Crystal Tokyo, a very brave and influential knight.
Yuuichirou: She killed my aunty!
Beryl: Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy time. Let's not fight 'bout who killed who. This is a happy time! We are here today to witness the union of two young people in holy wedlock. However, one of them is dead. My son, Motoki, has just fallen to his death.
[People moan.]
Beryl: I don't think I've lost a son, but gained a daughter. Reika's father, who on death's door felt the icy grip of Death himself...
[Tin Nyanko chokes Reika's father.]
Beryl: ...I want his only daughter to look upon me, as her father, in a very real and legally binding sense.
[People clap.]
Yuuichirou: LOOK! The dead prince!
Beryl: You fell out of the tall tower you creep!
Motoki: But I was saved at the last minute.
Beryl: How?
Motoki: Well I'll tell you. *music starts up*
Beryl: No! Not like that! Not like that!
People: *singing* He's going to tell. He's going to tell.
Michiru: Quickly, Haruka! Come this way!
Haruka: Yes, but I must do it dramatically!
[She jumps on rope and swings down, but doesn't make it. Haruka is left swinging on the rope over a bunch of singing people. The scene changes to a town where Usagi and Minako ride up. Esmeraude is beating Artemis against her house.]
Artemis: MEOW!
Usagi: Old crow! Do you know where we can buy...a shrubbery?
Esmeraude: Who sent you?
Usagi: The Circus Performers who say Ni!
Esmeraude: NO! There are no shrubberies here!
Usagi: If you do not help us my friend and I will say…will say…NI!
Esmeraude: NO! No...shrubberies...
Usagi: NI!
Minako: Neewww!
Usagi: No! It's "Ni!"
Minako: Newww...nooee...ni!
Usagi: There now you have it!
Both: NI! NI! NI!
Esmeraude: No! There…are no shrubberies…noo!
Tellu: Are you saying Ni to that old woman?
Usagi: Ahhh...yes.
Tellu: What sad times are these when passing senshi can say "Ni" at will to old women. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress!
Usagi: Are you a shrubbier?
Tellu: Yes. Shrubbery is my trade. I am a shrubbier. I am Tellu the shrubbier. I arrange, design, and sell shrubbery.
Minako: NI!
Usagi: NO!
[The scene changes, back to the forest and the Circus Performers Who Say Ni.]
Usagi: Here's your shrubbery! Can we go now?
ParaPara: There is one problem! We are no longer the Circus Performers Who Say Ni! We are the Soap Opera Actors who say EH! Therefore we must give you a test!
Usagi: Please, not another shrubbery!
ParaPara: Indeed! And you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with...Nephrite's nose!
Usagi: It can't be done!
ParaPara: Don't say that word! Suffice to say the word that the Circus Performers Who Say Ni can not hear!
Usagi: Well if you don't tell us what it is we'll keep on saying it!
ParaPara, JunJun, VesVes and CereCere: NNOOO!!!
Usagi: What? It?
[The Circus Performers who say Ni scream.]
Minako: LOOK! It's Sir Kakyuu!
The Rights: Brave Sir Kakyuu! Packing it in and packing it out! Running away and-
Kakyuu: SHUT UP!
Usagi: What are you doing here?
Kakyuu: Well, I was looking for it here in this woods.
Usagi: Well it's not here.
[The Circus Performers Who Say Ni scream.]
Usagi: OH STOP IT!
ParaPara: You said it again! AH! ParaPara said it! ParaPara said it again! AH! That's three times!
[Usagi and company leave. Meanwhile, Kaolinite is talking to the police as they take Professor Tomoe away in a body bag.]
Narrator: And so Usagi, Sir Minako and Sir Kakyuu set out to find the Enchanter that Zirconia spoke of in scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Sir Haruka and Sir Ami and there was much rejoicing. In the frozen land of Nedor they were forced to eat the Sir Kakyuu's minstrels. And there was much rejoicing. A year passed. Until one day...
[The camera pans down a rocky area to our heroines. There is the sound of a loud explosion.]
Usagi: Halt! What was that?
[They all pause, but nothing happens. They resume traveling, but then hear the sound again. We see Mimete standing on top of a mountain, blowing things away with her Charm Buster thing, then she blows herself up and appears in front of Usagi.]
Usagi: WOW! That was cool! Can you do that again?
Minako: Stick to the script, Usagi-chan!
Usagi: Right. Who are you?
Mimete: I am...an enchanter.
Usagi: What is your name!?
Mimete: There are some who call me...Mimete.
Usagi: Great! We've been looking all over for you! Why'd you have to hide all the way out here!? My butt is sore from riding this stupid horse!
Mimete: What horse? Are those coconuts?
Luna: Not this again!
Minako: Here. Watch this so we don't have to explain it again.
[Minako quickly shows a clip from earlier in the movie.]
Mimete: Oh, I see.
Usagi: Do you know where the Seihai is?
Mimete: Nope.
All: Oh no...
Mimete: But! I do know where you can find the directions to find the Seihai! BUT BEWARE! It is guarded by the fiercest animal that has ever lived, with big pointy teeth!
[The senshi go towards the cave.]
Mimete: Wait...
[Luna, Rei, Makoto, Michiru, and Chibi-Chibi stop in their tracks and refuse to go on.]
Ami: They're nervous, Usagi-chan!
Usagi: Dismount! We'll continue on foot!
[The senshi then reach the cave.]
Mimete: Behold the cave of big pointy teeth!
Usagi: Right! I'm going in!
Mimete: WAIT! There it is!
Usagi: What!? Behind that cute devilish child with pink hair?
Mimete: It IS the child.
Usagi: Whatever. Go and kill it, Sir No Name.
No name: Right! One yam stew coming up!
[Chibi-usa attacks and bites off No Name's head.]
Ami: Eeewwwww...
Mimete: I told you! I told you!
Usagi: CHARGE!
[And a great battle ensues and Chibi-usa attacks and kills two other No Named people.]
Usagi: RUN AWAY!
All: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Usagi: Good Puu! That's kid's dynamite!
Minako: It killed No Name one, two and three!
Usagi: So that makes five...
Ami: Three, Usagi-chan.
Usagi: Three.
Mimete: I told you! HAHAHAHAHA! I told you!!!!
Usagi: Shut up!
Minako: Now what are we going to do??
Ami: I know! The Holy Hand Grenade!
Usagi: Queen Serenity! Bring me the Holy Hand Grenade!
[Queen Serenity, Endymion, and the Four Dark Kingdom Generals proceed down the hill with the Holy Hand Grenade. The Generals are singing "Kokoro Tabanete Makin' For The Right" in three different keys.]
Queen Serenity: Shut up, will you?
Jadeite: But...we've practicing!
[Kunzite, Ziocite and Nephrite all nod in agreement.]
Generals: Yes, indeed, we have been practicing!
Queen Serenity: Just shut up!
[They proceed down the hill in silence.]
Usagi: How does it, ummm, work exactly?
Ami: The book of armaments!
Queen Serenity: The Book of Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-three.
Endymion: And Saint Magister raised the Holy Hand Grenade on high saying; "Oh Puu! Bless this thy hand grenade so that it may blow thine enemy into tiny bits, in thy mercy. And the Puu did grin, and the people feasted upon the lambs, and the sloths, and the cats, and organutauns, and the lamas, and the deer, and the yams and-"
Queen Serenity: Skip a bit, brother.
Endymion: I'm not your brother, but, ok. *clears throat* "And the Puu spake saying, 'First shall thou takest out the pin from the Holy Hand Grenade, and thou shall count to three. No more no less. Three shall be the number thou shall count and the number shall be three. Four shall thou not count, nor count thou two, unless thou go-est on to three. The number three been reached, being the third number, lobbest the Holy Hand Grenade of Saint Magister toward thy foe, who not being in my sight, ducks not-eth.
Queen Serenity: Amen.
Senshi: Amen.
Usagi: Right, then.
[She grabs Hand Grenade.]
Usagi: One two, five!
Minako: Three, Usagi-chan!
Usagi: Three!
[She throws the grenade. A great explosion sends dust everywhere and when it clears the only thing remaining is the yams from the monster.]
[Meanwhile, in the forest where the Circus Performers Who Say Ni reside, Umino and Naru are hot on the trail of the person who killed Professor Tomoe. They hear the explosion and run off. Back to the cave, Usagi and her senshi enter the dark cave and find an inscription upon the wall.]
Usagi: There! Look!
Ami: What language is that?
Usagi: Queen Serenity!
Queen Serenity: It's Latin! Oh very good!
Ami: Of course! The Magister!
Usagi: What's it say?
Queen Serenity: It reads: Here are the last words of the Magister. He who has spiffy weapons and cheesy attacks may find the Seihai in the Castle of Uuuuggghhhhh...
Usagi: What!
Queen Serenity: The Castle of Uuuugggghhhhh!
Minako: What does that mean!?
Queen Serenity: He must have died while craving it.
Kakyuu: Oh, come on.
Ami: Perhaps he was dictating it...
Usagi: Oh, shut up. Does it say anything else?
Queen Serenity: Nope. Just Uuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggghhhhhhhhhh...
[Everyone starts saying "Uuuuuuuugggggghhhhh."]
Ami: OOOOOHHHHH!
Minako: No! It's, "uuuuuugggggggghhhhhh!"
Ami: OH! As in surprise and alarm!
[Helios roars and the senshi scream.]
Senshi: AAAAHHHH!!
Queen Serenity: It's the great black beast of...AAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!!
[She is eaten by Helios.]
Usagi: Run away!
[Helios chases the senshi around until the narrator starts talking.]
Narrator: As the evil black beast lunged forward, escape for Usagi and her brave sidekicks seemed hopeless. When suddenly, The Animator, Naoko Takeuchi, suffered a fatal heart attack.
[Clip of Naoko falling over dead.]
Narrator: The Anime peril was no more. The Quest for the Seihai could continue.
[Outside of the cave, Umino and Naru look at the dead bodies.]
Umino: Are these...yams?
Naru: Yes, I think so.
Umino and Naru: Yay, we got to say two lines in this whole f---ing flick.
DiC worker #1: Bad, bad! That's a BAD word! *cut, cut, censor, censor*
[Umino and Naru move on. There is a scene change. The senshi have come upon the Bridge of Death.]
Usagi: There it is! The Bridge of Death!
Minako: Look! There's the old woman commonly mistaken as a man from scene 24!
Usagi: This is the most dangerous part; the bridge keeper asks the traveler five questions.
Ami: Three, Usagi-chan.
Usagi: Three questions. And once he answers the five questions--
Minako: Three, Usagi-chan.
Usagi: Three questions he can pass! Sir Kakyuu, go and answer the questions first!
Kakyuu: I think...Sir Haruka should answer them first!
Haruka: I shall do it single handedly! I'll make a fake to the northeast and--
Usagi: Just answer the questions! We will stay here and pray. Puu be with you.
Haruka: I understand, Odango-chan.
Zirconia: STOP! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three. Dare the other side he see.
Zircon: *flap flap*
Haruka: Ask me the questions, bridge keeper! I am not afraid!
Zirconia: What is your name?
Haruka: My name is Sir Haruka of the Outer Senshi!
Zirconia: What is your quest?
Haruka: To find the Seihai.
Zirconia: What is your favorite color?
Haruka: Gold.
Zirconia: Right! Off you go.
Zircon: *flap flap*
Haruka: Oh. Thank you! Thank you very much!
[She walks over the Bridge of Death and disappears.]
Kakyuu: That's easy!
Zirconia: STOP! Who would cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three. Dare the other side he see.
Kakyuu: I am not afraid!
Zirconia: What is your name?
Kakyuu: Sir Kakyuu of...well...just Sir Kakyuu.
Zirconia: What is your quest?
Kakyuu: To find the Seihai.
Zirconia: What...is the capital of Assyria?
Kakyuu: I don't know that! Aaaahh!!
[She is launched over the side and into the Pit of Many Perils. Zircon watches her go over the edge and continues flapping.]
Zirconia: STOP! Who would cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three. Dare the other side he see. WHAT...is your name?
Ami: Sir Ami of the Inner Senshi!
Zirconia: What is your quest?
Ami: I seek the Seihai!
Zirconia: What is your favorite color?
Ami: Yellow! No, bluuuuuueeeeeeeeeee!
[She is also hurled into the Pit of Many Perils.]
Zirconia: STOP! What is your name?
Usagi: I am Usagi, from Tokyo! The future Neo-Queen Serenity! Holder of deadly sticks! The Messiah of Light!
Zirconia: What is your quest?
Usagi: To seek the Seihai!
Zirconia: WHAT...is the air speed velocity of an unladen monster of the day?
Usagi: A daimon or a lemure?
Zirconia: I...I don't know!
[She is launched over the side. Zircon just watches and continues flapping as its master is hurled to her death.]
Minako: How do you know so much about swallows?
Usagi: Well, royalty just has to know this kind of stuff.
[They continue to cross the bridge. There will now be a short intermission. Please refresh your sodas and make use of your local restroom at this time.]
.
.
.
[The intermission is now over. I hope you used your time wisely. *ahem* Anyway. Usagi and Minako get across the bridge and can't find Haruka.]
Usagi: Haruka-san!
Minako: HARUKA-SAN! Hello? Anyone out there? Haruka-san?
[Haruka is seen on the side of a police car and Umino is putting hand cuffs on her.]
Usagi: Haruka-san!?
Voice: Usa-ee!
Usagi: Nani?? That sounded like Rei-chan!
Minako: But she's back with the other horses, it can't be her!
Usagi: Oh, right.
[They follow the voice to a lake where the freaky boat from the SuperS movie waits for them. They board the ship and land on an island where the Castle of Uuuuuggggghhhhh awaits them.]
Usagi: Puu be praised! Our quest is over!
Minako: We don't HAVE the Seihai yet, so it's not OVER! Duh.
Usagi: Right.
[They both kneel.]
Usagi: Oh my mighty Puu, we thank thee, for thou has not forsaken us the most---
[A catapult noise is heard.]
Usagi: JESUS CHRIST!
Mistress 9: HERRO! Firthy Engrish senshi and firthy Engrish purinsesu who wears the fuku of a duck, you know. SO! We Japanese witches outwit you a second time!
Usagi: How the heck did you get here?
Mistress 9: We have frequent flyer mires on Derta! Besides, I have to make a rast appearance! This is 'Monty _MISTRESS 9_ and the Holy Grail,' is it not?
Usagi: Right! But...I came all the way only to find you here, and now you won't give the Seihai to me, right?
Mistress 9: Correct, rabbit! Biidddaaaa!
[She sticks her tongue out at Usagi.]
Usagi: Fine. Let's go, Minako-chan.
[They leave and reach the other shore, then turn back around.]
Usagi: CHARGE!
Minako: Right!
[A whole army of youmas and the like start to run forward behind Usagi and Minako. They almost reach the road when a S.W.A.T. car and several police cars show up. Kaolinite runs out of a police car.]
Kaolinite: That's her! That's her!
[Umino and Naru arrest the two very confused Senshi.]
Usagi: But what about the Seihai? Our quest?
Minako: This was NOT in the script! Why are you doing this!?
[Everyone holds the money Mistress 9 gave them to arrest the Senshi.]
Usagi: Oh well, isn't this a fine lot?
[End credits start to roll.]
Usagi: Well, that's all for today!
[Umino closes the jail cell door.]
Minako: Hey, Umino-san! The show is over! You can let us out now!
[Umino leaves Usagi and Minako alone in the cell.]
Usagi: UMINO-SAN! NARU-CHAN! ANYBODY!? GET US OUT OF HERE!
The End. Huzzah.