THE LEGEND OF ZELDA:
SHADOW DAWN

PART I:
THE AMBER TWILIGHT

1

Link moved across the tiles like a jerky green spider, pixilated edges jagged as a broken saw blade. He was a blur of green; a sword; a mash of wild color against a backdrop of bricks the shade of desert clay.

Before him: The Great and Final Door. Ganon. The Triforce. Zelda. The end.

No time to think. Peril lay just over the shoulder. Muscles twitched; body arched forward; hands aching; sweat oozing across the forehead and the nape of the neck. Ears ever listening, anticipating danger. Fingers at the ready, prepared for the quick dart and dodge from harm's way.

So close now. No turning back. It was time.

So goddamn hot.

Link proceeded through the tall, grainy door, sword at the ready.

Darkness.

And then:

[deep breath]

Ganon rose up like a bright phantom, undulating and twisting as he went. His flat orange cloaks billowed about his willow-reed arms. He clawed the air and snarled, bore his fangs, and bellowed, "Link! How dare you enter my lair! For this insolence you will die!" His pug-dog face, a straight palette brown, whipped forward. Ganon's wavering, awkward lips parted in a grotesque smile. "Die! Die! Die!"

There was a slight pause as the room lit completely. Chains dangled from the high ceiling and broken ladders leaned across the walls. Peculiar.

Ganon reduced in size, considerably. His robed shape darted forward and back across the filthy brick floor, tossing crackling balls of flame as it went. Link barely had time to react, raising his shield just in time to block the first of the sizzling missiles. He parried, halted a moment, and jumped forward to strike. Once, twice, three times he struck Ganon with stiff sword thrusts. Nothing.

Remember the fishmonger's advice?

Ganon slid forward again and let loose another volley of tiny fireballs. With no time to block, one struck Link head-on. He made a sound – pathetic, muffled, and full of static – but kept up.

Oh yeah. The fishmonger. And . . . the book.

It only took a moment to kneel and retrieve the tome. Ganon retreated across the room ahead. Only one chance for this. Link hurled the Book of Archemon in a perfect, illogical line. It struck Ganon full-on, and the monstrous sorcerer disappeared in a barely-perceptible plume of gray smoke.

At once, Ganon rose up again in all his glory, resplendent as a circus clown. "The, the book!" he cried. Beneath him, the Book of Archemon appeared and flopped open awkwardly, pages spinning as if caught in the wind. "Curse you Link! Cuuuurrrse yyyooou!" With that final cry, Ganon spun backward in a whirlpool of basic orange and red and brown, flailing his distorted limbs, and disappeared into the pages of the book. Its purple cover slammed shut, and (at long last) it was over once again.

. . . Once again.

Link was alone in that final, dismal room. Nothing moved. No sound. Half a mind to just stay there, take it in, make it a Zen moment. It could last forever, as far as Link cared. He would never thirst or get hungry or grow old. Just standing there, basking in his victory, he could experience eternity amongst the badly shaded bricks and motionless chains.

No. Better to move on. Better to get it over with. Link walked with high and painful steps to the door across the room. He entered.

Another pause, another bout of darkness. Then Zelda's pale face, jagged nose, and bright red lips filled the empty spaces. She spoke with strange halts between every fourth word. "Link!" she shouted, almost in the same tone and method as Ganon had. "How did you find. Me?"

Link spoke in a grating nasal whine. "Golly princess, it wasn't easy!"

"What took you so. Long?"

"Golly, Princess!" Link's face moved like a liquid painting.

"Oh, Link! I'm so glad that. You came to rescue. Me. Let's get the Triforce. And get out of here!"

"Yeah!" Link scooped Zelda into the crook of one arm, and for one moment the lines between them seemed to blur together. She smiled – a bizarre red-rimmed rictus – and the pair set off for Hyrule (presumably with the Triforce in tow, but one never knows these things). An obnoxiously yellow sun rose in the distance over pastel hills and valleys.

"Do you think that. Daddy will be happy to. See me?" Zelda asked.

"Gosh, princess. I'm sure he will! And I'm sure that there's gonna be a big feast waiting for us!" Link laughed, grinning. His smile was almost – though not quite – as disturbing as Zelda's. "Any chance of a kiss for rescuing ya'?"

Zelda laughed, each syllable as mechanical as a cogwheel. "Oh, Link."

And then it was done.

White text rolled over the darkness. Credits.

Lame.

I rolled my head back and muttered, "Bullshit."