Home again
Of course, I don't own any of those beloved characters. I just borrowed them. The following fantasy though is mine; it comforted me, and I'd like to share it with my fellow fans. Please, be patient – I'm no native english speaker.
The following events take place the evening after David's "clean slates" speech in "And the flesh was made word"; he has left the office to take his former Lamaze partner, Terry, out of the hospital. That day, he didn't come back to the office.
Maddie's house, about 1:00 am.
Maddie was sitting in the dark on a chair by her bedroom window and staring out into the pouring rain. The radio was playing softly in the background, as she'd had the feeling the utter silence would have driven her insane. She had never slept that night. She had tried to think; think about the messed up situation they were in, about what had happened those last few days since she'd returned from Chicago, about how she had expected things would be going, and, most of all, about what David had said to her that morning in the office after she had demanded if they couldn't just forget the past and start all over again with clean slates. He had thrown quite a few things, mostly painful truths, in her face and spoken to her like she'd never heard him before, not sparing her anything, leaving her speechless, dumbfounded. After he'd left her there, she hadn't seen him again; he hadn't returned to the office.
Maddie had tried to think about all those things, tried to reflect on them, to brood over them. Amazingly enough, she hadn't managed to form a single clear thought. Her head seemed to be empty, her mind blank, her brain unable to reason. This was a completely new experience for her; Madolyn Hayes, the queen of rationality, of weighing pros and cons, of balancing reasons, was unable to simply think.
Instead, she was all feelings, irrepressible feelings that consumed her with such force that it made her tremble. She was overwhelmed with them, and there was no way of understanding, let alone controlling them, so at a certain moment she had stopped trying. She had no choice but to just let it happen, whatever it was. Another completely new experience.
A soft voice reached her from the depth of the darkness, and she listened to the words.
Sometimes I wonder
if I'm ever gonna make it home again
it's so far and out of sight
I really need someone to talk to
and nobody else
knows how to comfort me tonight
Snow is cold, rain is wet
chills my soul right to the marrow
I won't be happy till I see you alone again
till I'm home again and feeling right
I wanna be home again and feeling right
Maddie felt like kicked right in the gut when she listened to those lyrics. She was really amazed how a simple song seemed to put in words a big deal of those feelings that had trapped her, kept on sweeping her away. Deep, deep down, she felt her soul was chilled, and that was certainly not because of the pouring rain outside. She had wrapped herself up in a blanket, but that didn't help. She felt cold and numb.
True, she had returned from her parents' home in Chicago into her familiar surroundings, to her work, the people she knew, her friends, her house. But, oddly – she had the feeling she was more far from home than ever before. And it certainly didn't feel right. Nothing of it. She didn't feel right. And she had no idea if and how that could ever change, though she so desperately longed for it, for finally feeling right, for peace of mind.
She sighed. Her gaze wandered out of the window again, into the dark. The rain continued to pour heavily.
After having tossed and turned for a long while in his bed, David had finally fallen asleep. When the sound of the steady, constant hammering on his door slowly got through to his weary mind, he had the impression of not having slept for long. "What the hell..." he mumbled and looked on his alarm-clock. It signed 2:30 am. "Great! I don't believe this!"
He waited for a moment, hoping the noise would stop, that maybe it was just some drunken jerk. Of course it didn't stop. Furiously, he threw off the crumpled sheets, jumped out of bed and walked over to the door, barefoot. All the time, the deafening hammering never stopped and raised his temper. He dragged the door open abruptly.
"Whoa!" he barked. "It'd better be important..." His words remained stuck in his mouth when he saw it was Maddie standing there, soaked with rain, wearing a dripping raincoat, wet sneakers and, obviously, track pants. Some kind of déjà vu flashed his mind. He pushed it aside quickly.
"Maddie! What the..." Suddenly he felt a twinge of fear. "Are you all right? Is everything OK with... junior?"
She raised her hands in a reassuring gesture. "No, I'm fine, don't worry, there's nothing wrong with the baby." She tucked a wet strand of hair behind her ear; it was a somewhat girlish gesture that unwantedly touched something inside him. He pushed that aside, too.
He ruffled his hair, feeling relieved and angry at the same time. "Well, then – are you nuts? Just in case you haven't noticed, it's pouring outside, and you're running around getting yourself soaked to the bone! What for? What are you doing here?"
She didn't defend herself, gave no sharp reply as he had half expected. She just asked: "Can I come in?"
David rolled his eyes, clutched her arm roughly and pulled her inside, slamming the door behind them. He lead her to a so-far-unknown couch, but she didn't comment on that. "Sit." he snapped, turned around and disappeared.
Maddie closed her eyes and sighed. She knew what she was up to would be important, but hard for her to do, but him being angry at her right from the start wouldn't certainly make it easier. After a few moments, he returned with a clean towel and handed it to her without a word; she thanked him with a little insecure smile which was by no means being returned, and started rubbing her wet hair with the towel. After having watched her for a while without speaking a word, David broke the silence. "So? What are you doing here?"
She sighed. Go ahead! She encouraged herself. It can't possibly get worse than it already is. "I've got to tell you something."
David stared at her in disbelief. "What? Tell me something? At dead of night? You're unbelievable, you know that? Maddie, I told you I'd be in tomorrow. I promised it, and I'll be there, period. So, whatever you think you have to discuss, couldn't it wait until tomorrow in the office, for heaven's sake?"
This wasn't going too well. "I don't want to discuss anything", Maddie quickly clarified. "Just tell you something. Something important. And no, it couldn't wait until tomorrow."
He was clearly annoyed. "Great. Well, then I'm not sure I wanna hear it."
Maddie just looked at him, waiting; at last he gave an irritated sigh and shrugged, placing himself opposite her, on the famous trunk, causing her a strong déjà vu now that she quickly tried to push aside, ankles crossed, arms folded reservedly. "Well, then, if you must – spit it out."
Very encouraging. Maddie took a deep breath. "There's something I need you to know", she began. "I haven't slept at all, I was just... well... trying to think it all over, what you said to me this morning, how we're gonna go on, what we're gonna do..." her voice drifted off.
He just raised an eyebrow as if to say so what else is new? but he didn't say anything.
She shook her head. "Didn't work", she went on plainly. "I couldn't figure out any of it." She sighed and looked around somewhat searchingly, as if being able to find the words she couldn't seem to think about. "I know it sounds so trite, so much cliché, but... I really, really wished I could turn back time. If I could, I'd make sure that nothing of all this did ever happen. None of it." She looked down at the now damp towel she was clenching in her lap and hadn't seen how his eyes had been narrowing with every word he heard.
"Terrific!" David burst out in a rather biting tone. "Now that's new! Are we taking three steps back now, instead of our usual two?"
Maddie looked up, frowning, confused by his unexpectedly harsh reaction to her words.
"So, then go on and tell me, Miss Analyze-this", he went on acidly, "what stage is it we're in today? The if-we-deny-it-it-didn't-happen-stage? The it-will-deepen-our-friendship-stage?" He took a deep breath, gave her a frighteningly cold look and spoke his following words in a very quiet, bitter voice. "The let's-make-a-pact-stage?"
Maddie's eyes widened as she understood his reaction now. He had had definitely a déjà-vu, and it wasn't a pleasant one. David's words hung between them like a poisonous cloud for a brief moment, then she shook her head vividly. "No!" she exclaimed. "David, you got me completely wrong! I wasn't talking about that, I wasn't talking about us... getting together."
"Getting together?" he echoed, still more or less in the same tone. "Nicely put. As if we'd ever been together. Never mind." He rubbed his eyes wearily and sighed. "So... if you weren't talking about..." - small pause - "...that... then what, praytell, did you mean by none of it?"
"I meant..." She took another deep breath and forced herself to look at him. It cost her obviously a great effort to continue, to get the words out; somehow, though, she managed. "...me, sneaking out of our bed in the middle of the night... running away, hiding... and all of the other crap I came up with afterward."
Now it was David's turn to look a trifle surprised; Maddie didn't notice though, because he showed that confusion only by an ever-so-slightly raised eyebrow and kept his expression strictly under control otherwise, and she was apparently very busy with the towel in her hands. But she had definitely caught his full attention now.
"I desperately wished none of it ever happened", she repeated, just to correct herself a second later. "No, I'm sorry, I put that wrong. These things didn't just happen, right? I did them. Gotta give credit where credit is due." She nodded bitterly. "I did all of this. And, you have to believe me, I desperately wished I didn't." She paused, her gaze wandering off for a moment. Then she stopped working the towel, put it aside and looked him straight in the eyes again, openly. "What I would never change though, is what happened between us, that... step we have taken."
Maddie let her words hang between them for a moment, then she went on: "Boy, if I have made one right move in those past months, then it was making love to you. Or, to put that right, too, finally letting you make love to me."
If David was by any means affected by her words, he didn't show it. He was only scrutinizing her in silence, arms still folded, obviously utterly calm; his anger, though, seemed to have worn off, somehow, somewhen. But she obviously didn't expect a reaction from him anyway.
"Because that", she went on, now speaking firmly, "was the best, the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. I know that now." Maddie was talking very slowly now, obviously not only to David, but also to herself, choosing her every word deliberately. She smiled sadly. "Unfortunately, I was too stupid or stubborn, or whatever, to realize it then. Now... I wished with all my heart that I hadn't run away, that I'd had enough guts to stay to... to work out the problems..." She closed her eyes and touched her forehead for a brief second as if she was having a heavy attack of headache. "...the problems that existed only in my twisted mind." She hung down her head, clearly in pain now. David still observed her closely, not saying a word, as he had the feeling she hadn't finished yet, as if there was still more to come. And he was right.
"Actually", she went on, pulling herself together, "there never was any problem. I created them all by myself in my head, brooding over the question how this could work, all that nonsense about our different ways of living, of thinking, our different ways of working, our different ways of anything... I made my list of all the pros and cons about whether we should or should not be together, and over all that worthless stuff I forgot, no, I didn't realize the most important thing, the only important thing."
Maddie raised her head and faced him again. He could see her eyes were brimmed with unshed tears, but she still managed to control herself. When she spoke, her voice was barely audible, but very clear. "I wished with all my heart that I had the chance to just go to sleep and wake up again next to you, every day for the rest of my life." She breathed out slowly and deeply, as if relieved of a heavy weight. And that was exactly how she felt, though she felt by no means lighthearted.
After a long pause, David said matter-of-factly: "Waking up next to me was it that always made you uncomfortable, I thought."
She nodded, definitely blinking back tears now. "I know. It did. Although I don't know why." She shrugged helplessly. "I just don't know."
He unfolded his arms. "Maddie, I..." he started, but she wouldn't let him talk.
She raised her hands, as in defense. "You don't have to say anything, David. I know I blew it. I know I have made every possible mistake, every wrong choice since that first night. I know it's too late. This morning, you said you'd be there for me, to help me through with the baby and all... I know you will, and I know I can depend on you." Again, she smiled that sad, forlorn smile. "Another thing that I've come to realize too late, I suppose, smartass that I am. I appreciate it very much, this... commitment of yours. You said you guessed you still cared, and I guess that is more... so much more than I could ever hope for. I have a feeling you're still my best friend, and I'm grateful for that." She shrugged. "It's just that..."
Maddie didn't seem to know how to continue, took another deep breath and managed somehow to carry on, but she didn't face David any more; she couldn't bear looking at him with what she was about and determined to say. It was hard enough without that.
"I know there is none, but..." She paused, then pushed herself further, come on, Maddie, are you a big girl or not? Then say it. I know you can. And she did. "If there was the slightest chance you could ever bring yourself to... not just care, but to love me... I only wanted you to know, that this would make me the happiest person in the world." She nodded as to confirm her words. There, I've said it. Unbelievable. But true.
As she still wasn't looking at him, she could not see his jawbone tighten or the suddenly somewhat softening expression on his face. He was still scrutinizing her. When he finally spoke, his voice seemed a little hoarse, but that could be of course because, this time, he had let her do all the talking. And she had delivered quite an address. Of course, this was not at all the reason for the funny tone of his voice.
"And when did you figure all this out?" he asked slowly.
Maddie lifted her head and looked at him; suddenly, she could again. She shrugged. "I didn't. I told you, I couldn't figure out anything. It just sort of... came over me. Hit me." she tried to explain. David was all ears, listening closely to her words. "The thought... no, the feeling pierced me, stabbed me with such force, such a pure clarity that it physically hurt. It hurt so much." For the first time since she had come in, just for a moment, her voice nearly broke. "But that pain... was good. Made me feel alive again." For a brief moment, she covered her eyes with her right hand. "God, I hate so much feeling only that terrible numbness."
The muscles in his face worked a lot. "And why'd you tell me?"
"Because I needed to!" She spoke with fervor now. Yes, she felt definitely alive again. "Because you have to know. You have a right to know. I owed that much to you. Hell, I owed that much to me." She put a hand on her chest, right over her heart, as to underline that last remark.
She smiled again, but it seemed as if a bit of the earlier sadness had worn off. "And I had to come over here right now, because I was afraid if I'd waited till tomorrow, all my courage would've left me, and I would have never told you. And that wouldn't have been... right." Abruptly, she stood up, her voice firm again now, sounding like her old self. "Even though I know it couldn't change a thing any more between us, I feel so much better now that I told you."
Suddenly Maddie felt a strong urge to leave, to get away from him, to put as much distance as possible between them. She had done the right thing, had wiped her slate clean now, yes, but she didn't want to hear David confirm that she needn't worry, that he was indeed her best friend, and at the same time giving her apologies for being only that and nothing more. Soon, she would have to deal with that, of course, but she was not ready to face that yet. It seemed to her as if with her confession she just had used up all of her strength and courage, and now there was none of it left. She had wanted to kiss him goodbye on the cheek, or to hug him, but that physical contact would have been definitely too much now. Unbearable.
She said quickly: "You should really get some sleep now. You look tired."
David shot back immediately. "Yeah, and I bet I smell awful."
That sudden remark touched something inside of her, and that was too much. Her eyes widened for a moment. Out now! Go! Run as fast as you can! "Well, I said what I came here for, and I hope I didn't upset you." She realized that she had started babbling and quickly turned to the door. "See you tomorrow then."
Maddie almost jumped for the doorknob, and she nearly made it. But of course, she wasn't fast enough.
"Hey!" David called, and she stopped, frozen, rooted to the spot, hand on the doorknob.
She heard his voice speaking sarcastically to her back. "I think I just caught a glimpse of old hit 'n' run Hayes again! How you – to drop a bombshell like that and then just turn your back and walk away!"
Maddie stood still, the time seemed to have stopped. She desperately wanted to turn that doorknob so she could get away as fast as possible, and at the same time she so desperately didn't want to. She wanted, she needed to hear what he had to say, and she didn't want to. It scared the hell out of her.
"Turn around and look at me!" David demanded.
Slowly, she turned around, still holding on to the doorknob behind her back. He looked furious again, his eyes all green lightnings. Great. Why are his eyes so damn... green? Maddie looked away from them.
"You're really something, you know?" he snapped. "You come here, hit me right between the eyes and tell me you feel better now? You think you figured out everything so neatly, don't ya? Well, speak for yourself, blondie, 'cause I've got news for you: you haven't understood a damn thing about me!"
Maddie was feeling weak. She didn't understand at all why all of a sudden David was so angry at her again. For once, she had thought she had said, done something right. Obviously, not in his opinion. Suddenly she felt terribly tired, physically and mentally. Not to mention emotionally.
"Boy, you really got a twisted mind", he went on, shaking his head. "You honestly ask, you really wanna know if I could bring myself to love you?" He almost spit the word out. Then he continued, in a deadly quiet voice she hadn't heard very often before. But all the same she knew that was worse than if he were screaming at her. "You oughta know by now that there's absolutely no way I could ever bring myself to..." She closed her eyes. She didn't want any of this, she just wanted to go to sleep. He sighed. "... not love you."
Deep, deafening silence. The meaning of the words he had just spoken sank in. Still, Maddie didn't want any of this. She didn't even want to feel this tiny, fragile, yet so absurd ray of hope evoked by David's last words without her being able to do anything about it. This didn't make any sense, didn't lead them anywhere but to pain.
"Maddie, did you hear me?" he said, his voice suddenly very soft. She opened her eyes. His expression had softened, too, and matched the tone of his voice. He had taken a step in her direction. Much too close! She firmly held on to the doorknob, as if her life depended on it, and tried to back off from him a little more, but she could feel the door pressing right in her back. No way out. Don't do this to me, she thought.
"Not that I haven't tried", he added. "You betcha I have. Many times. Many ways." He slowly shook his head. "Didn't work. Neither of 'em."
"But I know you hate it!" she burst out, slowly losing her poise, finally letting go of the doorknob, she raised both hands with her palms up. It was a helpless gesture.
He nodded. "True, I did."
"Did?" she echoed.
"Did." he repeated, easily picking up their usual, long-familiar melody of talking. He took another step in her direction. "But I have the strange feeling I can grow to like it again." Damn! she thought. I hate this! Everything was crystal clear, and now you're confusing me all over again. This conversation is definitely taking a turn. A completely unexpected one.
"Why would you? That makes no sense!" She couldn't believe she felt almost angry at him. But then... those were familiar grounds, weren't they? She couldn't define what exactly she was feeling, but it had definitely nothing to do with numbness.
He smiled as if he had the same thought, and, unexpectedly, she caught a glimpse of... could that be teasing? "Sense?" he repeated, stretching the word, almost purring it. God, she really hated what he was able to do with his voice! It made her always lose track somehow. "Thought you'd kissed that rationality thing goodbye?"
Enough! She screamed inwardly, afraid they'd get carried away by one of their innumerable, notorious conversations that were a trademark of theirs, where one word lead to the other without either of them being able to do anything about it. Conversational harakiri she had called it once. This had happened way too often and destroyed way too much. I don't want to have this conversation! an inner voice screamed, only to be answered immediately: What are you thinking, stupid? You need to have this conversation!
"What are you talking about?" she asked almost angrily.
David took another step and was now standing right in front of her, only inches away, this not at all helping her to keep her mind clear. "Maddie, when we talked in the office today... well, yesterday... I was sure you'd never change. But now..." he paused; now, he was looking for words. "Well... you really amazed me. You have no idea what you just did, have you?" he asked quietly. When he continued, he spoke slowly and chose his words deliberately, just as she had done only moments earlier. Or had that been years?
"What you have just told me... and the fact that you came here to tell me..." He shrugged. "That was all I ever needed to hear from you."
Maddie hesitated, waited. But obviously that was all explanation he would give.
"What does that mean?" she finally asked in a hushed voice.
David smiled his damn half-smile. "Why don't you take your coat off, and we both try and get some sleep?"
Great answer. "And what does that mean?"
"Well... tonight's as good as any other night to start with the rest of our lives, don't you think?" He looked her straight in the eyes, still smiling.
"The rest of our lives?" Maddie repeated disbelievingly.
"Rest of our lives", he confirmed. "Check me here, but I thought I heard you mention that kinda time frame only a couple o' minutes ago."
He smiled openly at her, completely without mockery now, and suddenly she felt an odd, though too familiar, but by no means unpleasant weakness in her knees. For a moment she was taken aback, unable to answer; in spite of the sense of irreality she was feeling, she took off her coat almost automatically and handed it to him. His smile widened and his eyes crinkled as he took the coat from her without further ceremony. "Now that's a good girl. I'll hang that wet rag in the bathroom. Why don't you make yourself comfortable?"
"Simple as that?"
He nodded. "Simple as that. At least as long as we don't make it complicated. But you seem to have kissed that goodbye, too."
He turned in the direction of the bathroom. For a moment she didn't know what to do next. She cleared her throat. "You want me to sleep on the couch?"
He turned around again and looked at her, obviously puzzled. "Would you prefer that?"
She shook her head hastily. "No, I... it's just... well, I thought for a start... a new start... you'd maybe want to take it slow."
He sighed and gave her a little indulgent smile that warmed her heart. "Maddie, it's late. I'm tired. You're tired. We both need some rest. Just stop talking and get in that bed, will ya?" He finally walked away with the coat, and for a moment her gaze was following him. Without noticing, she shook her head slightly in disbelief. Simple as that. Then she went over to his bed with the crumpled sheets, took off her sneakers and climbed in.
Still sitting upright, Maddie pulled the sheets up to her shoulders. She closed her eyes and smelled the familiar scent of his. Pictures of the many hours she had spent in that bed months earlier flashed her mind, and of how it had made her feel miserable. She felt nothing of that now. She felt only warmth and peace of mind. Crazy, she thought, thinking about David Addison as a synonym for peace of mind.
David returned from the bathroom and saw her still sitting upright.
"Are you OK?" he asked. "Junior OK? Need anything?"
She shook her head slowly. "Just you beside me."
For a brief moment he lacked in words. "Wow", he said finally, "gotta get used to that new sincerity of yours. But I think I like it."
He turned off the light and climbed in bed beside her, and she laid her head on the pillow. He studied her in the moonlight for a while in silence, a tender expression on his face. Then he raised his right hand and lightly brushed a strand of hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. That reminded her of an earlier occasion, a long time ago, when he had done the same thing and had commented "There are moonbeams in this stuff!"
Neither of them spoke, they were just looking at each other, studying each other's face; there was no need for words. The utter silence was by no means awkward; it was filled with a deep, mutual understanding.
"Wanna borrow a shoulder?" David finally asked and stretched out his left arm. Instead of an answer, Maddie slipped eagerly into his embrace, the whole length of her body in touch with his, wrapped her left leg over his and put her left arm over his chest. She rested her head on his shoulder, and all of a sudden, the familiar, long-missed, desperately-needed touch and smell of his warm skin and the feeling of his firm embrace made her lose her poise, and at last, finally, she started to cry.
David tightened his hold and murmured soothing words into her hair. "It's okay... okay..."
Trying not to sob, she clenched his shirt and pressed her face into his shoulder. "Feels like... coming home" she finally managed to stammer, still clinging onto him. And it did, she suddenly realized. She was home again, and finally, it felt right. She felt right. The gripping tension of the last months, maybe even years, suddenly fell off her.
"Maddie, Maddie, Maddie..." he whispered. "You are home. You're home and safe." He kissed her on the top of her head. "I love you, you stupid blonde. I love you."
After a few minutes, her body finally relaxed, and almost immediately she fell asleep. He could tell by her deep, peaceful breathing. Holding her still tight, he looked in the darkness for a while, a small, still half-unbelieving but deeply satisfied smile creeping over his face. Her last remark had touched him even more deeply then all the things she had said before, and that had already been hard stuff. Good hard stuff. Maddie Hayes, you really are something, he thought. A helluva piece o' work still, but definitely worth the strain. Then he drifted into sleep, too.
Maddie opened her eyes slowly. At first, she didn't know where she was, but that lasted only for a nanosecond. Then, everything from the previous night came back to her mind, and she noticed she was still snuggled up in David's arm, holding him tightly. He was still fast asleep, his face relaxed and peaceful; it could have been only her impression, but he seemed to be smiling slightly in his sleep. For a moment, she laid still, smiling in silence herself, enjoying the nearness, not in the least feeling uncomfortable. So, really the rest of their lives had begun? Why do I love this man so much? She asked herself, just to reply immediately I don't know, and I don't care. I just do. Period.
"Simple as that", she whispered, and she liked the sound of it.
A glimpse at the clock showed her that she had not slept more than four hours, but she felt refreshed and renewed as if it had been nine hours at last. Carefully, almost in slow motion, she climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom where she found her now almost dry coat. She put it on, put on her sneakers as well and took another look at David, still sleeping. She ached to kiss his face, but she didn't want to wake him up. Maddie smiled again and tiptoed to the door. After having left and closed the door behind her carefully, she started to hum a little tune that suddenly had come into her mind.
For once in my life I have someone who needs me
Someone I've needed so long
For once, unafraid, I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know I'll be strong
For once I can touch what my heart used to dream of
Long before I knew
Someone warm like you
Would make my dreams come true
For once in my life I won't let sorrow hurt me
Not like it's hurt me before
For once I have something that I know won't desert me
I'm not alone anymore
For once I can say "This is mine, you can't take it!"
As long as I know I have love I can make it
For once in my life I have someone who needs me.
David woke up about twenty minutes later. He remembered immediately the previous night and still could not entirely believe it. Never had he thought it possible that Maddie would ever let go of her reasoning everything to death, nor that she ever fully understood what living hell she had put him through or what he really felt for her. But she had proven him wrong, and what she had said about feeling instead of thinking had been like Bingo! The penny has finally dropped!, had impressed him very much. So, in the end, maybe the last months had been good for something, had helped to her development. Sometimes, a little really came a long way!
All of a sudden he noticed that she wasn't lying beside him any more although he could still smell her. Well, surely she was in the bathroom; one thing he had learned with Terry was that pregnant women always needed a bathroom within nearest reach. Odd, though, that he didn't hear a sound. He frowned.
"Maddie?" he called and listened closely, but there was no answer.
Suddenly he felt uneasy. He sat upright. „Maddie? Maddie!" Still nothing. Something's not kosher here.
David threw back the sheets and jumped out of bed; within a few seconds he was striding over to the bathroom, the kitchen... but there was no Maddie – her coat and her sneakers were gone, too. He looked around. No note left, nothing. It felt like if time stood still. David was standing in the middle of the room, frozen. He felt numb.
He was speaking to himself, incredulously. "She did it again. I can't believe it."
That very moment, there was the rattling sound of keys to be heard, and a second later the door was opened. Maddie brushed in, carrying a paper bag in her left hand. She stopped in mid-movement, obviously surprised to see him standing there, in the middle of the room. She closed the door behind her and gave him a sincere, almost shy smile that punched him right in the stomach. He was dumbstruck.
"Hey... morning." she said softly, sounding a little breathless.
David continued to stand there and stare at her, mouth open, still feeling paralyzed, unable to speak or move, his arms hanging heavily, uselessly on his sides, weighing tons. At first, Maddie didn't seem to notice his numbness and went on speaking.
"I woke up early and thought I'd just sneak around the corner and get us some donuts for breakfast. It's finally stopped raining." She put the paper bag on the trunk, took off her coat and flung it carelessly on the couch, a very un-maddie-ish move. "I didn't want to wake you, so I took the keys to let myself back in. Hope you don't m..." She stopped frozen in mid-sentence, finally noticing that he hadn't said a word nor made a move since the moment she had come in. "What's the matter? Why are you looking at me like this?"
Finally, he managed to bring himself to speak. "Uhm... nothing." he said quickly, his voice sounding strange to himself. "Just... glad to see you."
First, Maddie gave a pleased little smile, obviously touched by his comment. But then the deeper meaning of his words struck her, and her smile slowly faded away. "Oh my god. You thought I'd done it again, didn't you? Didn't you?"
David raised his hands, as in defense. "No, I didn't... I mean, I..." he started to stammer.
Maddie's shoulders dropped visibly, and she swallowed hard. "Couldn't even blame you for that." she mumbled almost soundlessly.
David took a step at her. "Look, Maddie", he started soothingly, "it's really no big deal..."
"No big deal?" she jumped in, clearly upset, putting her hands to her hips. "No big deal? Every time you don't see me around, you're afraid I've just hit the road again, and you think that's no big deal?"
Accusing me again? he thought angrily. Wait a minute, lady! "Well, I'm sorry", he replied a trifle sharply, "but..."
Maddie shook her head and raised both hands, waving him off. "No, don't apologize, David. You don't have to apologize." She turned her back on him and took two steps away. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I thought this could ever work..."
"Don't do this." David interrupted, completely stricken by her words, shaking his head seriously, his mind spinning. What happened to not making things complicated? he thought unbelievingly. He was staring at her back as if he'd be able to force her to take back her last words.
"...without making myself 100 % clear", Maddie finally went on. "Which I obviously didn't."
Wait a minute! What's in store now? David remained silent and waited for more, observing her closely. Finally, she turned around to face him. "Well, then let me straighten this out to you." She took a deep breath.
"Listen, David, I've come to my senses about a few things, including you. Us. But that doesn't mean there will be no more fighting, no more... yelling. No more door slamming." She counted the points on her fingers. "I can change a lot of things, but some things I just can't change. They're stronger than me. They're me." She paused and looked at him, searching for understanding in David's face. Well, I can live with that, blondie, he thought. Anyway, what would be Maddie Hayes without slamming doors?
"But", Maddie went on earnestly, "what I'm definitely not gonna do is run away, not even walk away. Not from you, not from my own feelings, no way." She shook her head as to confirm her words, her voice expressing her strong conviction. She looked him straight in the eyes. David waited, still in silence.
Maddie took two steps in his direction. "You gotta face that, fella", she said clearly, "if you wanna get rid of me, you'll have to send me away first." She folded her arms in a somewhat provoking manner that made him smile inwardly. "But, frankly, I'm afraid that won't work either. Because I've decided to hang on and... stick around." She raised her chin and looked at him firmly, as if to say So! And what do you say now?
You got me again, David thought amazed, impressed by her determined words and body language. He nodded slowly. "You're really serious about this, aren't you?"
"I've never been so serious before in my entire life." Maddie spoke firmly, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
For a moment, they stood looking at each other in silence; then David cleared his throat. "One more question."
Maddie frowned slightly. "What's that?"
"Last night, when you said something like... you'd be happy if I could bring myself to love you... what kind of love did you mean?" He looked at her questioningly. "Romantic love? Ethereal love?"
"Ethereal?" she repeated cluelessly. She had absolutely no idea what he was up to.
"Yes, ethereal. You used to be kind of a sucker for that. You know, like... guys dying for you and that stuff." He watched her closely. Come on, Maddie, show me all your colors now.
She shook her head. "No. Nothing like that. I certainly wasn't talking about ethereal love. I was talking about real love. The whole thing." She gave David a meaningful look.
"The whole thing?" he echoed.
"The whole thing." she confirmed.
David folded his arms and returned her look, though adding a quite teasing note with a naughty twinkle in his eyes. "What would that mean?"
David Addison, you are, have always been and will always be a mean little devil! Maddie thought, when she finally realized what he was up to. Handsome, but mean. But then, she supposed he deserved that much.
She smiled and surrendered. "I think you know exactly what that means. But I do understand why you want me to actually say it."
Then go on and say it. So you definitely won't be able to deny anything afterward, to find excuses like a schoolgirl tries to find excuses for indecent behavior! he thought and waited if she finally would dare to go that far, meet him halfway.
Maddie looked at him openly for a few instants, then she spoke soberly, very slowly, as to make sure David would get every single word she was about to say. "OK, then take this from me, David Addison: I want you to love me with all of your great, big heart, from the bottom of your deep and gracious soul..." she paused, and only when she was sure she had his full attention, she finally added: "...and with the whole wonderful rest of yours." Suddenly she felt a little clump in the throat and swallowed. "That would make me really happy", she added. "Was that clear enough for you?"
David could hardly believe she put all this in words, bared her soul that much. He was deeply touched. "So... you think you finally know what you need to be happy and you're gonna allow yourself to be happy?"
She smiled and shrugged. "I guess it's about time, isn't it?"
David gave a soft appreciative whistle. "Once you decide to stop bluffing, you really lay all your cards on the table, don't you?"
Maddie took another step in his direction, standing within reach now. "That's what I came here for last night, Ace." she replied, picking up his metaphor and calling him by his old youth nickname he had revealed once to her.
There was nothing left to say. David reached out for Maddie, grabbed her by the elbow and pulled her close. "C'mere."
She smiled playfully. "What about breakfast? You not hungry?"
"You bet I am. And I'm gonna have an opulent breakfast." He wrapped her tightly in his arms, so that there was no escape for her. Not that she had searched for one. He was eyeing her lovingly and with an unhidden desire that made her knees literally weak. "Take this from me, Maddie Hayes: Now that you've finally decided to let me, I intend to make you very, very happy. Starting right now."
Their faces were only inches apart now, and, without knowing, in that moment, they both shared the same thought: I could get lost forever in those eyes...
Maddie whispered sweetly: "You do, huh?"
"I do, uh-huh." David purred in his inimitable way that so often had driven her crazy, in both good and bad ways; then he finally lowered his head and kissed her gently. But he still had one last remark to deliver. "For the record: this is gonna make me happy, too."
He kissed her again, tenderly first, but with increasing passion; one of his hands held her gently, but firmly by the back of her head, fingers entangled in her hair, the other one was pressed against her lower back and wandered slowly upward. She felt the warmth of his palm, and it matched with the heat that was slowly developing in her body, starting from her stomach and spreading all over. A tiny, little moan escaped her.
Maddie slid her arms around his neck and held on tight to him as they continued their kissing, their bodies having already found their perfectly synchronized rhythm, as if there had never been a five months' separation, a rhythm she remembered so well. She was being swept away, kissed delightfully out of her senses, blown off her feet, and the room was spinning around them. Maddie started losing control of herself, and for a brief moment, she instinctively tried to fight it. Then she thought Let go. Relax, it's all right. This doesn't mean you're losing control of your life, and besides, it's a friendly takeover. Then she was thinking no more.
Maddie and David were lying outstretched and peacefully in bed, only half covered by the sheets, but neither of them seemed to mind. They were both quiet and both breathing very slowly, as if they were asleep, but neither of them was.
David had his right hand behind his head, with the fingertips of his left hand he was stroking lightly, almost absentmindedly her bare shoulder; his touch not heavier than of a butterfly wing. His eyes were wide open, he was staring somewhere nowhere, smiling a light, still half-unbelieving, wondering smile.
Maddie was curled up at his side, her head resting on his chest, and she was listening to his heartbeat as well as to her own. Her eyes were half closed. Her lips were ever-so-slightly curled by a barely noticeable, almost secret smile. She felt apparently completely at ease with herself, with David, with their lovemaking, the whole situation. She simply looked as if she were exactly in the right place at the right time, right were she wanted and needed to be, completely in accordance with the world, and as if she were completely aware of that. She was just letting her floating thoughts pass her by like clouds, not trying to get hold of one of them. And by the way, none of these thoughts went like How on earth are we gonna do this? She was just enjoying the moment. Maddie gave a stretched sigh.
David, who was not able to see the expression on her face, however didn't get the meaning of that sigh. "Maddie? You OK?"
She sighed again. "Not quite."
He frowned and started to feel a little uneasy, having again a little déjà vu. "What's the matter?" he finally asked.
Maddie spoke the notorious words. "I think we need to make a pact."
David felt like kicked in the guts, and much lower still, and sat up abruptly, causing her to do so as well. "What?"
She turned around to face him and scrutinized him very seriously in silence for a moment. Tell me this is not true! David thought furiously. Can't be! He wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her.
"Breakfast always first", she finally said dryly, and at first he didn't understand. Maddie saw his completely shocked expression; his face had gone white. Suddenly she was appalled and put a hand on his shoulder. "A joke! Bad joke. David, I'm sorry. Oh god, I should have known, I was never good at making jokes. I didn't mean to..."
"A joke?" he repeated in a incredulous, yet dangerous tone. He easily shook her hand off. "A joke? Do you think this is funny?" He glared at her.
Maddie shook her head vividly. "No! No, I know it's not. I'm really, really sorry..."
"No, you're not!" he pressed through clenched teeth.
You damn, silly jerk! She thought desperately. This time you just couldn't let it be nice, could you? Time to beg, and better do it good! "David, please..."
His furious gaze made her fall silent. "Maddie Hayes", he said quietly and slowly, "I'll be damned if you're not the meanest, the nastiest little b..."
"Watch your mouth!" she interjected automatically.
"Watch my mouth? Watch my mouth? You watch my mouth, and watch it closely!" With one smooth move, David grabbed her neck and pulled her close. "Read from my lips. Don't you ever do that again! You know I'm gonna make you pay for that, and boy, this is gonna be really expensive!"
Maddie was indeed watching his mouth, and that made it quite difficult for her to concentrate on his words, but by the tone of his voice she could tell that his first flash of anger had worn off and that he wasn't really seriously mad at her. She felt his hand in her neck, and suddenly there was heat crawling up from her toes and spreading all over her body, she even felt butterflies in her stomach and smiled slightly, playfully. "I was hoping you'd say that..."
David pulled her closer still, until their noses almost touched. Their stares connected. Maddie could see an evil glittering in his eyes. When he spoke, he was almost purring. "You'll hope you never came here to throw yourself at my feet."
She tried at least to sound indignant. "I didn't..."
"You did, and you damn well know that you did!" No objection permitted. She gave in and let her body sink softly against his.
"All right already, so I did. Worked, didn't it?"
"Oooh, Miss Hayes, we're being very smug, huh?" He was definitely purring now and gave her quite a dirty look. "Trying to be funny, huh?" The fingertips of his free hand were almost casually running down her spine, and she shivered delightfully. "Now, it's about time I teach you a fine lesson about messing around with..."
Their lips were about to touch, but suddenly Maddie froze in mid-movement. "Time?" she echoed.
"Yeah, blondie, time."
She backed away a few inches from him. "What time is it?"
"What?" He looked like if he'd been conked in the head, and somehow that was how he felt, not understanding anything.
"David, what time is it?" Maddie demanded.
He frowned. "Who cares? Why?"
"We'll be late for work." What are you talking about, lady?
"So what?" he replied incredulously, rolling his eyes. "I mean, we're the bosses, remember?"
"Sure, but we have to call and let them know. Otherwise they'll be worried, with all that... uhm... havoc happening lately." She sat up again. "Come on, Addison. Where's your phone?"
David groaned, then he gave in. "You're right." he growled, then frowned. "Wait a minute. Did I say that?" He shook his head and bent out of bed to look for the phone; it was found half-hidden under the bed. He grabbed it and handed it to Maddie. "Wanna make the first call?"
She took the phone from his hand and smiled. "I'm gonna make the only call. There will be no need for a second one." He shrugged, not understanding what she wanted to say.
Maddie dialled quickly and waited. Then she listened for a while, smiling. "Hello Agnes, this is Miss Hayes. Nice rhyme today. Listen, I'll be coming in late today, but there's no need for you to worry. – No, no, nothing wrong. I'm fine. I just kind of... slept over." She looked at him while she listened to Agnes's answer and smiled a bright smile that made him automatically wonder, like so often before, what was going on in that fair blonde head of hers.
Although Agnes could not see her, Maddie nodded slowly. "Yeah, I know Mr. Addison's not in yet. – No, nothing super natural, Agnes... I know that because he's here beside me right now. – Yes, I'm sure, Agnes. Positive." David's eyes widenend as he listened to her words he'd never expected, and so did her smile, becoming somewhat dreamy. "Wait a moment, let me just check that, Agnes." She scrutinized him for a second and continued to speak. "Yes, looks to me like Mr. Addison's fine, too. Uh-huh. – Well, about lunchtime, I think. – OK, thanks. Bye."
Maddie put down the receiver and gave him a silent, teasing smile, waiting for a reaction. David was completely baffled. "Why did you do that?" he inquired bluntly.
"Do what?" she asked innocently.
He ruffled his hair. "Tell DiPesto we're here together? I mean, she's gonna suspect something."
Maddie waved him off. "She's not gonna suspect anything."
He raised a hand. "Maddie, I think you're really underestimating our good old Agnes here. OK, sometimes when she tries to put two and two together she might pull out a solid five, but when it comes to higher numbers, she usually gets pretty close to the solution."
Maddie rolled her eyes. "I know that. Therefore I'm saying she's not gonna suspect anything, she knows everything!"
"Means that everybody else knows, too." he clarified.
Maddie nodded. "That's quite a wager."
David wasn't convinced yet; they had been in this situation, and he remembered it vividly. "And that doesn't bother you? I mean, going to the office, knowing that she knows... that they know... don't it embarrass you?"
She shook her head. "Why should it? Nothing to be embarrassed about." She shrugged. "I haven't even thought about it. It's really no big deal: I love you. I'm happy, you're happy... at least I hope..."
"You bet I am." he said emphatically. You haven't even thought about it?
"...and somehow... well..." Maddie shrugged again. "I don't know... I just feel like... letting everybody know." She looked at him questioningly. "Do you think that's weird?"
David nodded thoughtfully. "It is weird. Coming from you, that is. Now, nefarious rogue, confess! Who are you, and what have you done with Maddie Hayes?"
She laughed a silvery laugh. "If you're talking about that unfeeling, insensitive, self-centered..."
"Now, now", he interrupted. "Enough with bashing yourself. That would be my part."
"Yeah, and I know you're perfectly qualified for that." Maddie shrugged again, and David noticed that she seemed to get accostumed to that rather un-maddie-ish move. "Anyway – she's gone for good. I sent her packing." She smiled openly and honestly at him. He returned that smile, and for a moment it seemed as if he wanted to shake his head in disbelief.
"Good." he said quietly and assumed a playful tone again. "So – what time again did you tell DiPesto we'd be in? Did I hear something about... lunchtime?" He smirked.
Her eyes twinkled. "Yes, I think I mentioned that sort of time frame."
He licked his lips. "Well, more than enough time for breakfast then..." He leaned in for a tender, yet demanding kiss. "Or, shall we say, brunch?"
Songs: Home Again by Carole King
For once in my life by Ron Miller and Orlando Murden; I love the version sung by Vonda Shepard
Thanks to all my 'essed friends of the forum at ; the interaction with them gave me the final urge and kick to dare trying this.