Disclaimer: Masashi Kishimoto is still not my "nom de plume"...
A/N: I couldn't sleep yesterday night, so I decided to write this. So, if it's crap, it's thanks to my "no-sleep-no-inspiration" fase. Enjoy nonetheless. ^^
There are many things I haven't said. Words that are still left unspoken, thoughts which can't be explained. But who would listen? Who would understand?
Nobody, that is.
I'm surrounded by people who are as lonely as I am, but I can sense I'm the only one who really feels abandoned. Even though we're so much alike, we still are and always will be different. And perhaps that's how it should be. Because, if everyone would feel as much pain and grief as I do, we al would've long killed ourselves. But I have to live on, I have to survive. I have to lead this dark existence, and I know there's no turning back.
Sometimes I want it to be different. Sometimes I wouldn't want him to hate me as much as he does now. I don't even know if he can deal with so much responsibility. He. The one I challenged to kill me.
My brother.
If it hadn't been for his sake, I would've died a long time ago. I can feel how my life seeps away by my illness every day I wake up again. I can notice how my body is getting too used to the medicines I have to take daily, so I truly have no idea of how long they will keep suppressing the facts that I throw up blood and suffer from panic attacks and insomnia.
I have never thought I would end up like this.
My illness is taking over my usually calm, collected personality, and nothing works to stop it. I can only hope that, by the time I'm going to die from it, my brother will be there, fighting me and perhaps finally killing me, ending my pathetic existence and his mission in life.
I can still remember the day when I gave him the order to face me once again after he got the Mangekyou Sharingan by killing his best friend, right after I had exterminated our whole clan. My explanation was short, and I'm still a bit surprised at how easily he believed I only let him live because he wasn't worth killing. I can't believe he has so little confidence.
I didn't kill him because I love him too much. But I can't tell him that.
I actually feel sorry for him because I told him such a lie, and because of the fact he has to murder his closest friend. That person will probably be the only one to fully understand him, so I was rather stupid to say he has to end the boy's life, because I don't want him to lose the only person who cares about him.
Well, the only person but me, of course.
But I think that, at the moment, I just wanted to know he would become strong, strong enough to defeat me in a battle. He is the one who deserves to take my life, he is the one who needs to take his vengeance on me. And I will try to stay alive long enough just for that.
I want to see how much my little brother has grown to hate me, and how naïve he still is for thinking I actually killed the clan to see what I was capable of. But I won't tell him the true reason. No, he should never know the truth. I'll take it with me in my grave, along with memories of better times.
Better times with you, Sasuke.
Gomennasai.