Episode 1: The Fandom Menace
The Daleks are attacking Queen Amidala's Planet. TERROR
Jedi dude Qui-Gonn Jinn and Jedi bitch Obi-Wan Kenobi are sent to investigate
They are all like OH NOES IT ARE DALEKS
They fight some Daleks and it's pretty cool.
Queen Amidala and the Jedi leave the planet to go to the galactic senate so they can be like DUDES IT ARE DALEKS WHERE ARE ALL THE LAZORZ
Daleks contact their boss, The Master, and are all WHUT JEDI?
The Master is all BITCHES PLEASE IT ARE ALL PART OF THE PLAN.
Their ship breaks down on Tattoine, because it's a bit lame.
Anakin Skywalker is a 14-year-old mechanic who supports his family.
He offers to fix the ship if they'll take him to train as a jedi.
Obi-Wan is all BUT THE RULES and Qui-Gonn is all FUCK THE RULES
Anakin fixes the ship with his Sonic Screwdriver.
Anakin and Amidala flirt a bit
Lightsabers! Darth Maul shows up and fights a little. Awesome!
IN NO WAY DO R2-D2 AND C-3PO APPEAR
They all go to the Senate and meet up with Senator EvilPants who is in no way totally The Master.
The Senate is all DALEKS WHERE ARE YOUR ARMIES
The Daleks are all NOT FIGHTING JEDI DUDE WE WERE RELAXING
So they are all arguing and stuff.
Qui-Gonn goes to see the jedi council about Anakin and Anakin wins all the tests
Qui-Gonn is like SO HE'S PRETTY AWESOME HUH HUH HUH
Yoda is all A CRAZY ANGRY LITTLE FUCKER, ANAKIN IS
Qui-Gonn is all I CAN TOTALLY CALM HIM DOWN I'M LIAM NEESON
Obi-wan is all IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME ANY MORE THEN I DON'T LIKE YOU EITHER
Yoda is all ALL CALM DOWN, YOU SHOULD.
Queen Amidala is all THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG WE SHOULD GO HOME.
Anakin and Amidala flirt even more
So they go back home to fight the Daleks.
They win. Booya!
Anakin and Amidala share a victory smooch
BUT WAIT
Lightsabers! Darth Maul kills Qui-Gonn.
Lightsabers! Obi-Wan is all MY BOYFRIEND NOOOOOOES
Lightsabers! Obi-wan kills Darth Maul WHUT HE WAS SO COOL
Qui-Gonn gets a funeral
Obi-wan is promoted to Jedi dude
Anakin is promoted to Jedi bitch
The Daleks are now all WE ARE EVIL BWA HA HA
Senator Evilpants/The Master makes a pyramid with his fingers like he has secret plans and shit
Episode 2: Attack of the CapsLock
The Daleks are now totally fighting everyone because they want to own everything
Senator Evilpants is in charge of army logistics but they don't have quite enough troops
He's all WE NEED CYBERMEN, SENATE DUDES
the Jedi are all CYBERMEN ARE ETHICALLY DUBIOUS
the Senate is all AWESOME CYBERMEN
Obi-Wan goes off to fetch the cybermen
Anakin is all AMIDALA WE HAVE FREE TIME FOR SMOOCHES
They have smooches
Yoda is all ABOUT YOUR TRAINING, DUDE WHAT
Anakin is awesome at training and puts on a lettered jacket or something
Back at the senate Senator Evilpants is all DUDES WE ARE BEING HAMMERED
the Senate is all WHUT WE HAS CYBERMEN NOW
Senator Evilpants is all CHRISTOPHER MOTHERFUCKING LEE IS LEADING THE DALEKS
the Senate is all FUCK and THAT'S PRETTY BAD
Anakin is all I HAD A PROPHETIC DREAM AND CHRISTOPHER LEE IS ON THAT PLANET
Obi-Wan is all STAY BEHIND ANAKIN
The Master is all ANAKIN IS AWESOME I DECREE THAT HE SHOULD GO
Obi-Wan is all AW FINE THEN
Off go the jedi and the clones
The planet looks a bit like Mars
There's a huge fight and it's pretty cool
back at the Senate The Master is killing off his political enemies while all the jedi are out
Christopher Lee gets cornered by Anakin and Obi-Wan and Yoda
He totally wins because dudes, Christopher Lee
Anakin has lost a hand
Obi-Wan has been totally stabbed in the chest
Yoda is CRIPPLED
Christopher Lee has a monologue and everyone in the audience weeps tears of joy
In the aftermath Anakin is getting surgery on his hand
Yoda is all CALL YOUR FAMILY, YOU SHOULD
Anakin is all FUCK MY FAMILY THEY ONLY EVER HELD ME BACK
Yoda is all ABOUT YOU BOINKING AMIDALA DUDE, WE ALL KNOW
Anakin is like TELL ANYONE AND I'LL KILL YOU
Anakin stalks off
Yoda goes GRRRRRR
Anakin and Amidala get married IN SECRET LIKE
Senator Evilpants declares himself chief of the Senate and grins evilly
Episode 3: Revenge of the Shit
The Cybermen Wars are going pretty well
The Daleks are like UM MASTER DUDE I DIDN'T THINK WE'D BE MASSACRED
The Master is all SUCK IT UP AND PRETEND TO KIDNAP ME
So they do
Lightsabers! Anakin is all DIE YOU FUCKING DALEK BIATCHES
Lightsabers! Obi-Wan is all BIATCHES? DUDE YOU COULD NOT BE WHITER
Lightsabers! Anakin fights Christopher Lee
Lightsabers! Christopher Lee cuts Anakin's Lightsaber in half
Lightsabers! Anakin disarms Christopher Lee by CHEATING
Lightsabers! Anakin takes Christopher Lee hostage with his own lightsaber
Christopher Lee becomes a hostage
BUT
nicks Anakin's Sonic Screwdriver in the process
He is put in Jedi Jail
Anakin is all I AM SICK OF BEING A JEDI BITCH
Obi-Wan is all WELL MAYBE IF YOU PUT OUT MORE
Anakin is all WHUT
Obi-Wan is all I'M JUST SAYING ALSO YOU SHOULD MAYBE GIVE UP THE RED SABER
Anakin is all NEVER and stalks off
Yoda is all TOO EMOTIONAL, HE IS
Obi-Wan is all SHOULD WE CALL HIM?
and Yoda is all IN TIMES OF THE DARKEST NEED, WE MAY CALL HIM ONLY
That was foreshadowing
Anakin is given charge of one of the Cybermen armies
Obi-Wan is all THAT'S NOT COOL, SENATOR EVILPANTS
The Master is all IT'S TOTALLY COOL, GO GET AMIDALA SAFE
Obi-Wan is all OH YEAH SHE'S PREGNANT AND STUFF
Lightsabers! There are war scenes and Anakin gets back
Anakin is all OBI-WAN AND AMIDALA WHUT
The Master is all DUDE I KNOW WHAT'S THAT ABOUT
Christopher Lee is all "Anakin, I could teach you to make her love you always"
Anakin is all NICE and starts listening to him
The Master kills a bunch of Jedi and is like CHRISTOPHER LEE IT IS TIME
Christopher Lee explains that he has to work out a way to kill all the Jedi
Anakin is like SET THE SONIC SCREWDRIVER TO 20 AND ACTIVATE IT
Christopher Lee does
the Screwdriver kills him NOOOOO CHRISTOPHER LEEEEEEEE
Yoda has been watching as has The Master
Yoda is all THE HELL, WHAT
Lightsabers! Anakin kills Yoda in a panic and is all OH NO OH NO OH NO
The Master is all YOU HAVE SET YOUR PATH
and Anakin is all I DON'T KNOW
the Master is all WHAT ABOUT AMIDALA AND OBI-WAN
The Master shows Anakin a current vid of Obi-Wan and Amidala
Anakin misreads friendly affection as romantic love
Anakin goes OH WHUT
Anakin calls Obi-Wan and says THIS IS YOUR FAULT
Obi-Wan is all I HAVE NO TIME FOR YOU
Obi-Wan removes his jedi communicator in disgust
JUST IN TIME
Anakin uses the Sonic Screwdriver to give a lethal electric shock to anyone wearing one
The Master is all NICE ONE ANAKIN I AM THE MASTER
Anakin is all FUCK I DIDN'T GET OBI-WAN OR THAT LITTLE BITCH
Anakin flies off in a ship
The Master is all OH BY THE WAY I AM EMPEROR MASTER NOW
The Senate is like OKAY I GUESS
Anakin finds Obi-Wan and Amidala
He is all FUCK YOU BOTH
Amidala is all CALM DOWN LOVE
Anakin stabs her in the chest
Lightsabers! He fights Obi-Wan
Lightsabers! Obi-Wan wins by cutting off Anakin's legs and dropping him on a red-hot surface
Obi-Wan nicks the Sonic Screwdriver
Obi-Wan erases Anakin's childhood memory with the screwdriver
Obi-Wan escapes from Anakin with a dying Amidala
Amidala births the twins and dies of her injuries and the stress of childbirth
They go to Tattoine so the twins can be with their family
Obi-Wan sets up watch over the Twins and stares at the Sonic Screwdriver
The Master saves Anakin
He rebuilds him
Anakin sees his new form and says nothing but everything in the room shakes
All the surgeons die with blood pouring from their eyes
The Master is all GOOD ANAKIN NOW YOU WILL COMMAND MY CYBERMEN ARMIES
Anakin is all ANAKIN IS DEAD. I AM DARTH VADER.
Episode 4: A Suspiciously Familiar Hope
Leia is like a princess now on a ship
She is being totally run down by a big Empire ship or something OH NO
She leaves a message all OBI-WAN SHIIIIIIT on R2D2
R2 D2 is all BLEEEP
He and C3PO escape in an escape pod; all the escape pods are launched at once
most of them get shot down but R2D2 and C3PO are lucky and escape
The admiral is all CYBERMEN GO GET THEM THAR ESCAPIN DROIDS
Some Cybermen go; others fight the rebels
The Cybermen totally shoot up the rebel dudes
Darth Vader shows up after the fight is over; Diagnosis: LAZY
he's all like LEIA YOU HAVE BEEN STARTING A REBELLION AND STUFF
Leia is all WHUT PROVE IT
Darth Vader is all I'M DARTH VADER THAT'S ALL THE PROOF I NEED
Leia is all AW NUTS and gets taken prisoner
On Tattoine the robots land
C3PO is whiny
R2D2 does not care
they get taken prisoner by Jawas which are pretty cool
Luke is a whiny bitch who lives with his aunt and uncle
He's all I WANNA JOIN THE REBELLION
and his aunt and uncle are all NO DICE
and he's all AW NUTS
his uncle buys R2D2 and C3PO for some fuckin' reason
I mean what the hell does he need a protocol droid for
I know lame right?
Anyway he buys them
R2D2 is all BLEEEEP and plays his message for Luke
Luke is all LETS GO SEE OBI-WAN
So they go
Obi-Wan is like HMMMM YOU MIGHT BE JEDI MATERIAL AND YOU HAVE NICE LEGS
Luke is all OH ALEC GUINNESS YOU CAD YOU
Obi-Wan is like BUT PROBABLY NOT NOW OFF HOME WITH YOU
Luke is all AW NUTS and goes home
OH NO! Cybermen have killed his entire family to try and find the droids
and then mysteriously left
Luke is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
get used to that
Obi-Wan is all I GUESS YOU'RE A JEDI BITCH NOW COME WITH ME
They go to a bar to find a pilot
Han Solo is there with Chewbacca
Han is all I'M A PILOT
Obi-Wan is like SWEET
Luke is all SO HAN YOU MUST WORK OUT I GUESS
Han is all WHAT THIS OLD THING? I GUESS I DO SOME PUSH-UPS ON OCCASION
And then shoots this dude who wanted to shoot him and it's pretty cool.
They get into Han's ship and off they fly to Leia's home planet
BUT
The death star is there and has destroyed the planet
Luke is all AW NUTS
The Death Star drags them all aboard
Obi-Wan is all I'LL GO DISABLE THE THING AND YOU GUYS GO RESCUE LEIA
so that's settled
Obi-Wan disables the thing
Luke and Han rescue Leia
They all meet up at the ship except oh no Darth Vader
Darth Vader is all OBI-WAN YOU LITTLE FUCK I KILL YOU
Obi-Wan is all *SIGH* FINE THEN
Darth Vader kills him
Luke is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Han is all DAMN LUKE I GUESS YOU WERE PRETTY CLOSE
Luke is all I JUST WANT SOME COMPANY RIGHT NOW
Leia is all WELL I COULD-
Han is all I'VE GOT THIS LEIA HOW ABOUT YOU GO MAKE A SALAD OR SOME SHIT
They all go to the rebellion
the rebellion dude is like LET'S BLOW UP THE DEATH STAR
the rebels are like YEAH THAT SOUNDS COOL
Han is all I GOT MY MONEY TIME TO MAKE A MOVE
Luke is all WAIT WHAT DID LAST NIGHT MEAN NOTHING TO YOU
Han is all NOW COME ON YOU KNEW THE SCORE
Luke is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Han leaves
the Rebels attack the Death Star
Darth Vader attacks the rebels
He's pretty good
Han comes back all I AM DISTRACTING VADER LUKE
Luke is all AW THANKS I KNEW YOU WERE NICE REALLY
Luke is all TIME TO DESTROY THE DEATH STAR
Obi-Wan's ghost is all DO IT JEDI-STYLE COME OOOOOOOOOON
Luke is like *SIGH* FINE THEN
He destroys the Death Star
Jedi-Style
There is a big ceremony and everyone gets medals
except Chewbacca
R2D2 is all BLEEEEP
Luke is presented with the sonic screwdriver and a note from Obi-Wan saying how to work it
Episode 5: The Empire Totally Wins
Mark Hamill crashes his motorcycle into a yeti
Luke is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO my face
Alex is all DAMN IT'S A LONG TIME SINCE I SAW THIS FILM
and DON'T EXPECT THIS TO BE ANYTHING LIKE THE FILM
and YOU SHOULD CONSIDER IT AN EXPERIMENTAL POEM OR SOME SHIT
Luke is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
So Luke is all GOTTA GO WORK THIS SCREWDRIVER THING OVER HERE
and Han is like SURE THING DUDE I HAD PLANS ANYWAY WHATEVER
And Luke is all JESUS IT'S WORK WHY YOU ALWAYS SO CRANKY IN THE MORNING
And Han is like LET'S GO AND SEE LANDO
So off they all go
Oh wait
there was a big fight with the giant robot laser elephant things?
I guess the rebels won
anyway
So Luke is on... Dagoban? Some planet with a swamp
And he's all working the screwdriver
and suddenly
WHAAAAAOOOOM
WHAAAAAOOOOM
WHAAAAAOOOOM
And it's the fucking TARDIS
that's right
And David Tennant's Doctor Who comes out
of the TARDIS not the closet
fuck you big gay russell
And he's all HELLO WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM
Luke is all I NEED TRAINING (in the physical art of love)
the Doctor's all OH AS A JEDI NO WORRIES THE FORCE IS PRETTY GOOD
and then all WAIT WHAT WAS THAT LAST BIT?
Luke's all *sigh* NOTHING
so he gets trained by the Doctor
they go off to meet up with the others
So Han et al. go to meet Lando
Lando's all CHECK OUT MY BOOTS AND CAPE I AM ONE FASHIONABLE DUDE
Han's all LOOK LANDO I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU THOUGHT BUT UM
and Lando's all OH YOU DID NOT HOOK UP WITH SOME SKINNY WHITE BOY AFTER GIVING ME A PROMISE RING
and Han's like SO.... FUNNY STORY
And Leia's all NICE ONE HAN YOU SUCK
and Lando's all FUCK YOU ALL! I'M CALLING VADER
and all AT LEAST HE PICKS UP THE BILL ON OCCASION
and Han's all WAIT!
and then all OH I HAVE NO LEG TO STAND ON
and Vader shows up and is all HOLLA! HEY HAN CATCH THIS FROZEN CARBONITE
And Han's all LEIA! TELL LUKE HE NEEDS TO WORK ON HIS ABS
then he gets frozen
DAMN
And Leia gets put in jail again
oh, and the droids are there
R2-D2 goes BLEEEEP
So Luke and the Doctor show up
And the Doctor's all WHOOPS, VADER
and then all LUKE I'LL DISTRACT THE STORM TROOPERS AND GO FETCH LEIA
so off they go
and the Doctor's all HEY STORM TROOPERS I KNOW LANDO HAS CANDY
and the storm troopers all go OOOOOOOOOOOO and run off
the Doctor rescues Leia
from a LACK OF SMOOCHES
and also from the jail
and off they go
So, Luke and Vader are all ANGRY EYES GRRRRR at each other
and Vader is all YOU SUCK LUKE SEE I'LL PROVE IT
Lightsabers! and cuts his hand off
and Luke is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and Vader is all ALSO I AM YOUR FATHER
and NOW I HAVE CRIPPLED YOU BOTH PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY
and I ROCK
and Luke is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and falls and the Tardis picks him up
and everyone's all OH DAMN
Episode 6: Return Of The Man-Love
So everyone is not exactly at their best
Except Luke totally has this sweet new robot hand
and he's all CHECK OUT THE SWEET NEW ROBOT HAND DUDES
and everyone doesn't care
or mention it for the rest of the movie
and Luke is all WELL FUCK YOU IT WAS IMPORTANT TO ME ANYWAY
Anyway everyone else is all going to save Han Solo from Davros the Hutt
'cause Davros has bought him from the empire
DELETED SCENE: Darth Vader rips some dude a new sucking chest wound for flat selling prisoners on for a profit
all THAT IS NOT HOW WE DO THINGS YOU TIT
END DELETED SCENE
So anyway the Doctor and Leia show up at Davros' palace
Leia's all LOOK DUDE I TOTALLY CAUGHT THE DOCTOR
and Davros is all NICE ONE
and HE WILL BE A FINE ADDITION TO MY HAREM
that's a bit weird
but then you see Han in a GOLD BIKINI all UH HI GUYS
and SO IT IS NOT SO GREAT BEING IN THIS HAREM, NO JOKE
and Davros is all WAIT, YOU KNOW THESE GUYS?
and Han is all SURE THING
And the Doctor is all NICE ONE, IDIOT
and then Leia just goes YOU KNOW WHAT, FUCK IT
and shoots Davros with a knife-gun-thing
and the Doctor is all WE SHOULDN'T KILL BUT THAT WAS PRETTY COOL
and SMOOCHES?
so SMOOCHES
with LEIA, you jerks, the Doc ain't into Han that way
although
GOLD BIKINI
I mean, maybe-
NO
DEFINITELY Leia.
So whatevs, they nick off with Han in the Tardis
and Leia's all SO, UH, YOU CAN MAYBE WEAR SOMETHING ELSE?
and Han's all NO WAY HONEY WAIT UNTIL LUKE SEES THIS
and IT WILL GET ME, LIKE, A MONTH OF PLAY
and the Doctor is VERY BUSY with the instruments
and not regretting helping these people at all
no sir
So anyway they meet up with Luke
and he's all HI GUYS COOL ROBOT HAND HUH I KNOW RIGHT
no-one cares
everyone's thinking of a plan
and Leia goes UM WELL THEY ARE BULDING A NEW DEATH STAR WE SHOULD STOP IT
and Han goes HEY I HAVE AN IDEA LET'S DO THAT!
and everyone's all GOOD IDEA HAN
and Leia's all STUPID HAN GRUMBLEGRUMBLE
So they decide to do that
and it turns out that the Death Star is being built around Endor
and Han is all SO UH DO WE HAVE TO STOP IT BEFORE IT FIRES
and I'M JUST SAYING, NO-ONE LOVES AN EWOK
and the Doctor is all NO, HAN, WE MUST SAVE LIVES
and EVEN SHITTY WALKING TEDDY BEAR LIVES
so they decide that's a good plan.
Luke and Han and Leia are going to go down to the surface and disable the shields
the Doctor is going to go and attack the Master all FULL ON
Lando is going to fly the Millenium Falcon
WAIT WHAT
Han is like, NO WAY LANDO YOU WILL SCRATCH MY BABY
Luke is all UH, THAT SHIP SAILED WHILE YOU WERE FROZEN DUDE
Han is all WHAT
Luke is all I HAVE NEEDS, HAN, AND LANDO IS A NICE GUY
Han is all WHAAAAT
Lando is all AW YEAH I SCRATCHED UP YOUR BABY REAL GOOD
Luke is all *GIGGLES*
Han is all WHAAAAAAAAAAT
but anyway Lando will fly the Millenium falcon and save the day.
So they go off!
The Ewoks are all SO WE WILL MAKE CUTE TRAPS OUT OF LOGS
and Leia's all CAN THAT SHIT, HERE ARE LAZOR GUNZ
and the Ewoks are all AW YISS
they fucking love their lazor gunz
so those guys storm the shield generators
and it's working except the cybermen take Luke hostage
and Luke's all SAVE ME!
and Han is all MAYBE YOU CAN GET LANDO TO SAVE YOU
and Luke is all NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
so he gets kidnapped
but the other dudes turn off the shields
and then have a relaxed smoke while they wait half an hour for the film to finish
all gettin' their party on, 'cause either way their job is done.
In space: IT'S A TRAP!
Thankyou Admiral Ackbar, back in yer box
You did good, kid
anyway, Lando is having a rough time
the Death Star is shooting shit up
Lando is all GAH THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNCTIONAL
and the Master is all YOU LOSERS
but Luke is brought up to the throne room just as the Doctor gets there
and the Master is all CHECK IT I TOTALLY STOLE YOUR BOYFRIEND
and the Doctor is all ACTUALLY WE ARE JUST GOOD FRIENDS
and the Master is all AW NUTS
and SO LUKE WANNA WORK FOR ME?
Luke goes IF I DO CAN I HAVE MY LIGHTSABER BACK?
the Master is like UH SURE
and gives him it
Luke is all SUCKA! and tries to lightsaber the Master
Lightsabers! Darth Vader is all UH NO and fights Luke
The Doctor and the Master glare at each other
HOTT
The Master gets up and is all SO MY PLAN COMES TO FRUITION
Lightsabers! Luke totes wins
The Master is all KILL HIM LUKE
Luke is all UH NO
and the Master is like DO IIIIT
and Luke is all UH MAYBE
the Doctor runs to Darth Vader and is all HE'S DYING ANYWAY LUKE
And Luke's all YOU MADE ME KILL MY DAD YOU BASTARD
and Lightsabers the Master
and then the Doctor is all HA ONLY JOKING HE'S FINE
and Darth Vader is all FINE LIGHTSABERING THERE, M'BOY
and asks the Doctor and Luke to get a ship together so they can leave
But pockets the Sonic Screwdriver when they do
and then he activates like 5 things on his armour
and ejects the screwdriver towards Endor in a capsule
He sits in the Emperor's throne
and you can hear his machinery dying down
until it's just his laboured breathing
and then he dies
NOBLE
so anyway Luke and the Doctor get away in a ship
Lando blows up the Death Star, all CHECK IT OUT DUDES
Dudes check it out
it's pretty good
So there's a big party on Endor
and Luke is all SO UH HAN
and Han is all SO UH LUKE
and they are embarrassed
and then they smooch
Everyone cheers
Oh yeah the robots were here, they did shit
R2-D2 bleeped
C3PO was all nervous and polite
But anyway Leia is looking for the Doctor
and finds him retreiving his screwdriver
THAT IS NOT A EUPHEMISM
and He's all HEY WANNA COME SEE EVERYTHING?
and she's all OKAY!
they smooch
IT'S SMOOCHIN' TIMES, PEOPLE
and they leave in the Tardis and everyone waves goodbye
Chewbacca still does not get a medal