Songs of the Negative

by High Crystal Guardian

Pretty basic; a collection of song fics for the theme songs of each of the Negative Realm characters. #1: Kaze, "Changes" by Three Doors Down. Can Kaze keep going?

Hey, people, 'tis High Crystal Guardian here.

Kaze: In a fic that isn't Negative Chaos?

HCG: *winces* Yeah, yeah, I know. No updates for a long time. Ch. 9 is getting written, but I had to write this first. In short, my writing mood as far as a long chapter story is not that high.

Kaze: But you can manage a songfic. Like this one. *grimace*

HCG: I can indeed. A songfic for YOUR theme. You should be pleased. It's Kaze-centered!

Kaze: ¬_¬;; Wonderful. Just wonderful.

HCG: *turns back to readers* Okay, people, now here's the deal. This is going to have more songfics in the future. Each time I get a new theme for a character, I'll write a songfic for them and update it here. Don't expect it to go quickly; this is just a little, on-the-side thing that I'll work on when I feel like it. I've also carefully selected the songs for each character, so don't knock them. Seriously. These themes mean a lot to me.

Kaze: *still grimacing* Ugh.

HCG: *Sigh* Anyway. This first songfic, as you can tell, is Kaze's theme. It's the song "Changes" by Three Doors Down, and it fits him perfectly. I love it. Go listen to it after you read this. Seriously.

Okay, let's get to work, shall we? This is from Kaze's point of view, first-person. He's reflecting over his life.

Disclaimer: Don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. Don't own "Changes." Do own Kaze, the Negative Realm, and the Opposition.

Notes:

For the sake of simplicity, I'm using the Negatives' nicknames, besides Kaze's "Seto Kaiba" name. Just to make it simple. You know.

~ word ~ the lyrics from the song

* * * * *

Changes

~I'm not supposed to be scared of anything~

Who am I? I'm Seto Kaiba. Some people call me Kaze--those from different Realms, of course. Others call me the Blue Eyes, the Priest, anything. I really don't care about what people call me, though. Titles have never been that important to me--it's what those titles mean that I care about.

I'm the leader of the Opposition, most people from our Negative Realm know that. Those in Japan, at least. And so, because of that, they look up to me. I'm the big, powerful, strong Seto Kaiba, the Blue Eyes, the protector. They put all their faith in me, and I have no choice but to respond. I live up to their expectations. Because if I don't...if they see me terrified, they'll think life is lost. I can't let them give up like that. So I act it out, pretend to be strong, calm, absolutely ruthless and emotional.

But that's not the true me.

~But I don't know where I am~

I don't know what's happened to me. I used to be confident, but that was a long time ago. Before Yami took over, before that Shadow Madness ripped a hole in my life. God, I don't know how I got myself into this mess sometimes. Leading the Opposition, I mean.

I never exactly asked for it. Sure, I helped support the organization at first, helped create it, but I didn't expect the few rebels that joined at the time to turn to me as their leader. Still, if they trusted me like that, than I had to accept. Now I don't know what I'd do without the job.

Still....

~I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted~

Really, this job has worn me down. I know I took it on, that I accepted it, but leading the Opposition is slowly killing me. And not just physically, either. Oh, sure, there's that--I don't know how many times I've cheated death, how many scars I have, though I have plenty of reminders--the strongest being the limp in my leg. Stress is getting to me, that's affecting me physically--fever and headache seem to find me often. Often I'll find myself falling asleep at my work areas, or being half-lead, half-carried back to my rooms to rest by Saguru or Kaeru, and that gets to me too.

But it's slowly tearing me apart spiritually, as well. God, I don't know how my mind has been turned into such a ruthless machine--did you know I don't mind killing anymore? It's as normal to me as it is for a regular 17 year old to hand in a failed test. It might hurt a little, to realize what I've done, but it's not that bad, anymore. Sometimes, I find it hard to even find time to mourn for my own men that have died. That's almost funny--I don't have time to mourn for the dead. But that's okay, Kaeru does it for me. You know, Egyptians and their afterlife beliefs.

~And nobody understands [how I feel]~

The worst of it, though, is that I have no time for my own emotions. If I have any. Sometimes it's kind of hard to tell. There's a lot of sorrow, that much I'm sure of.

I've never gotten over Mokuba's death. I don't let anybody know, but I'm pretty sure my closest friends and agents--namely, those on the War Council of Twelve--can see right through my acts. They try to be kinder, but in all honesty, I don't expect anybody to understand. I mean, what normal kid has buried their entire family before they reach 15 years? Not many that I know of.

~I'm trying hard to breathe now~

~But there's no air in my lungs~

The pain of that loss is incredible. I still have nightmares about it--I came so close to saving him. I was only a few inches away--I could have reached out my hand and touched his, if that invisible block Yami had set hadn't been there. It hurts so much, to know I could have saved him...it hurts so much, to hear those cries, pleading with me to save him, when I was powerless to, even right next to him.

God, does it hurt.

~There's no one here to talk to~

~And the pain inside is making me numb~

The problem is, I can't talk to anybody about it. I mean, I have to keep my mind focused, sharp. There's no time for my own personal sorrows. I have to keep fighting, so that hundreds of other men and women can keep their lives, the lives of their own families.

And in order to do that, I can't let anybody see my pain. If they see mine, they see their's. Cut off the snake's head, and the rest stops moving. They'd all die.

So I keep silent, stay strong in their eyes. But my silence, my bottled emotions, have taken their toll. My soul is decaying from the inside out. I wouldn't be surprised if I didn't make it long after this whole fight. I wouldn't be surprised if I just died after the Hand of the Shadow is defeated. Wouldn't that be ironic?

Funny thing is, that slow death of my soul...well, the pain itself hurts, but the absence after it...it's quiet. Numb. I don't really mind it so much anymore. I've accepted it.

~I try to hold this under control~

~They can't help me, 'cause no one knows~

God, do I try to keep my emotions under control. My thoughts, my feelings. I have to keep it steady, focused, or they'll all die. It's a terrible balance, a terrible sacrifice...but it works.

I know if I told the others about it, they'd get nervous. I mean, they'd tell me to open up, share my feelings. All that psychology crap.

But I can't. I can't, and they'll argue, so I just don't tell them. What they don't know can't hurt them. What they don't know, they can't try to help.

~Now I'm going through changes, changes~

~God, I feel so frustrated lately~

My life has gone and taken a complete 180 ever since that fateful day that Yami took over. I laugh, just thinking about it. One month, I was worrying about the stock for my company--the next, I was worrying about the lives of sixty people as we went through a quick raid. Well, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but you get the idea.

Still, it's hard. There's so much...I know the others want to help, of course, but really, I can't leave so much work up to them. I may have lost my innocent way of life long ago, but as long as I can, I'm going to protect theirs.

Even Saguru. Sure, he's my right-hand agent, and I trust him with the most important information in the Opposition. He's a great friend, in all honesty, but that's the problem. He's seen bad stuff in his life, but not as bad as me. Because of that, I feel like I have to protect him...he can't turn into the ruthless killer that I am. If he does, I swear to God, I'll take after my True Self and beat him into the dust with as many swears as I possibly can. I really don't want to see such a carefree, innocent person turn into such a cold-hearted beast.

Kawari's a different story. He's already changed. For that, I feel that I understand him. He's been through things worse than even I have, and I pity him for that. It's funny...if you compare him now to how he was a few years ago, you'd never think the two were the same person.

War does that to people.

~When I get suffocated, save me~

~Now I'm going through changes, changes~

Of course, even I have my breakdowns. Sometimes, it'll be just too much for me, all of it. That's when I turn to my friends, but only then. They've come through for me more than a few times, I can tell you that. They've saved my life on more than one occasion, mentally and physically.

I'm not saying that I've tried to commit suicide--that's not me. I don't drop dead by my own forces when things start to get a little dangerous--that's cowardly. But sometimes, I just feel like collapsing, and not moving for a long time. It's all just so heavy. I can't do it. That's when my friends bring me through. God, you have to trust your friends more than anything else, and they always come through for me when I need it--particularly Kaeru, Kawari, and Saguru, as they've been through more things with me than anything else. I'll start suffocating, and they'll come and break the grip my opponent has on my neck for me.

They save me, even in all of these changes.

~I'm feelin' weak and weary~

~Walking through this world alone~

Of course, because they save me, I have to protect them, as well.

I know I'm bouncing back and forth....you're probably thinking, "Make up your mind, dammit! Do you like friends, or do you shove them off and walk by yourself?"

I can't really give you an answer to that. There never is one. Oh, if you asked my True Self, he'd tell you right off the bat that he waits for no one, and that friends don't really exist. But that's why he's my Opposite, and not me.

Me, I say that friends are good things to have, and they'll save you, but you have to protect them when they don't know they need saving in return. That's why I walk alone when I can--not because I despise others, but because if anybody comes near me, they're more likely to get shot in the back then I am. And I mean that both literally and figuratively. I have a lot of people who try and assassinate me, you know. I've had several cases when somebody's just talking to me, and suddenly...they're dead.

I'm not letting that happen to my friends. I'll die before they will, if I knew that situation was coming up. Hell, it'd probably be better anyway--that's one ruthless, cold-blooded killer less from this world.

~Everything they say, every word of it~

~Cuts me to the bone [and I bleed]~

It's terrible, though, when somebody says that I'm being a fool for not letting anybody near me. They don't understand...they don't realize I'm protecting them all. Don't they want to live? Why can't they see things the way I do?

Or when they insult my decisions, my very personality, my mistakes. Tell me I'm a failure for letting so many people die, or for making decisions that will let them die. God, why don't they understand? I'd save every damned life I could if it only cost my own, but battles...wars...they're not that easy. People die. I can't help that. It's easier when the people themselves realize that they could die, and are still willing to fight. And I do my best to devise strategies to protect them.

But still, that accusation, it cuts into my heart like a knife through the skin. God, it hurts.

~I've got something to say~

~But now I've got nowhere to turn~

Really, where could I turn to, then, if I'm trying to protect my friends like this? I don't have a place. I'm alone, bitterly alone. I may be part of a group, but on the inside, I'm a loner. My feelings burst on me in waves, tearing me apart, slowly killing me, but when I have something to say about them...I can't. I can't. I just can't. Just to save them all.

And now I'm trapped. I'm stuck in a never-ending cycle. I can't get out; my emotions are kept to myself only. I can't burst out with them. God, I know others have tried to make me. They've tried to force me into it, but I fought back. I fought like bloody hell. I may be calmer than my True Self, but we've both inherited the universal trait of stubbornness that pertains to Seto Kaiba. If I don't want to do something, you can't make me, and that, quite flatly, is it.

~It feels like I've been buried underneath all the weight of the world~

Stubbornness, however, carries a heavy price with it. Because I keep to myself, all my problems are mine. They've built up so much in these past few years, it feels like I have Earth balanced on my shoulders. Like in that Greek Mythology, with Atlas--and in some ways, my burden is just as much a punishment as that titan's was. If I have to hold it all in to protect others, then it's a fair trade that I suffer for it.

That's not the only burden I bear. I could be preventing a World War III just by holding up the Opposition. It's terrifying, in a way...perhaps I really am balancing the world on my shoulders. I certainly feel buried underneath it. It's so much pressure. God, I really don't think I'm going to survive all of this, the more I think of it.

~I try to hold this under control~

~They can't help me, 'cause no one knows~

Of course, as I go along, it becomes more obvious. How could I possibly hide it for long? I try to hold all of this in, control my personality, my self, my emotions, but it's not working. Slowly but surely, I'm breaking open, turning into an open book. I don't know what'll happen when I crack entirely. Maybe I'll just collapse, and they'll give me an odd look, and then go back to work. Maybe I'll fall, and they'll all panic, all die. I don't know. And I can't take the risk, so I can't fall.

Still...I wish I could have somebody to help me with this. God, I wish I could. But they can't help me, no one can. They don't understand what I'm going through. I'm too torn apart for them to understand anymore.

~I'm blind and shakin', bound and breakin'~

~I hope I make it through all these changes~

God, do I hope I'll make it through this. I mean, who wouldn't want to see the results of all their work and effort after they tried so hard to make it happen? But more than anything else, I want to be free of it all. All the terror, the pain, the fighting...everything. I want to just be normal. Just normal, that's all, so I can be a regular, everyday person.

But for me, it's a race. To see if I make it through, first I have to see if I survive. I have to make it through these changes without my soul decaying entirely on me.

It's almost funny. Can I make it? I said it before, it really would be ironic if I fought so hard and died once our cause was past.

~Now I'm going through changes, changes~

~God, I feel so frustrated lately~

~When I get suffocated, save me~

~Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it~

~But I'm going through changes, changes~

~God, I feel so frustrated lately~

~And I get suffocated, I hate this~

~But I'm going through changes, changes~

I suppose I'll just have to wait and see if we make it through. If I make it through. Maybe I will, and maybe I won't. Time will give the answers when it's ready.

Until then, I'll never stop fighting.

* * * * *

HCG: Well, that's that. I'll head on back to Ch. 9 now. Just wanted to get this over with.

Kaze: Ooooooooh, goody ¬_¬;;

HCG: *shrugs* Review, people, if you want to. I would appreciate them, pretty please? And while you're at it, tell me what you think of my songfic style, as I'm new to this type of writing. Thanks!