Sailing, Sailing...
By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.
Prepare for a shock: this story stars: Donald Duck! (It's ok, Daisy, I ain't interested in HIM.)
It just seems to me that there is quite enough need for heroes for everybody to have a turn.
Not that I'd recommend waiting for DONALD to do something brave.
Please forgive this landlubber for any inaccuracies in this story caused by the fact I know about as much about ships and sailing as I know about the length of sleeves worn on Mars this fall.
A rather loud shouting match was going on between Mr. McDuck and his nephew, Donald.
"What do you mean you're working for Flintheart Glomgold! You're my nephew!" bellowed Mr. McDuck at Donald.
"He hired me! He's given me a job- something YOU never did! And he's paying me good money!" Donald yelled right back.
"You always expected me to act with Nepotism- literally! (1)You always expected me to give you a management job without working your way up- without working! I'd be doing you no favors to do that!" Mr. McDuck screamed.
"I just took the job because YOU would never hire me! I wanted to you to appreciate me! Why do you think I went into the Navy? Half the businesses in Duckberg are own by YOU, the other half by Flintheart! I was trying to avoid having to work for Flintheart! But you still won't hire me, so what am I supposed to do?" Donald asked.
"Start your own company! Like I did!" Mr. McDuck yelled.
"I don't know how! YOU'RE great at that- but I'm not YOU." Donald hollared.
"Besides trying to get you to appreciate me, I'm working for Flintheart for two reasons. One: I don't believe he's any worse than you are. You're always going on about what a big crook Flintheart is- but he's your biggest rival and he's almost de-throned you as the world's richest duck more times than I can count. You can't be impartial about him!" Donald explained.
"Two: What different does it make to ME even if Flintheart is a crook? He's hired me to captain a reproduction of an antique sailing ship full of rich tourists. It's perfectly legal. Why do I care if Flintheart's a crook if I'm not doing anything wrong? As long as I'm not doing something illegal for him, Flintheart can be the biggest crook on two legs and why should I care?" Donald asked. (At the top of his lungs.)(2)
"Because when you lie down with dogs, you wake up with fleas! Flintheart IS the biggest crook on two legs- as I think you're going to find out the hard way, nephew!" said.
Mr. McDuck was right. Soon after, he got a frantic phone call from Donald. Seems rich people were taking cruises on that sailing vessel with all sorts of jewelry and expensive watches. Only to find that it had been replaced by cheap phonies at some point- and the rich folk could not prove that they had taken the real stuff on the cruise.
Donald tried to quit when he found out about these goings-on- but Flintheart pointed to the four-year work contract Donald had signed and threaten to sue for breach of contract if Donald tried to quit earlier. Flintheart also said:
"Why, if I were the crook you say I am, I could plant evidence in your cabin and have the cops find it- just before your contract was about to expire - so YOU would get all the blame!"
And Flintheart said that in such a tone it was clear that was exactly what Flintheart was planning to do.
So Donald called Mr. McDuck. And Mr. McDee went to Flintheart to bargain with him.
"OK, Flintheart- what do you REALLY want? What will it take for you to let me nephew out of his contract with you?" Mr. McDuck said.
"Now, Now, Scroogie- why are you acting like this is my fault?" Flintheart asked.
" If you weren't always scolding your nephew for having trouble holding on to a job because of that temper of his, it wouldn't of been so easy to talk him into signing that contract! And he only signed after that little spat with you! Donald intended to work for me for just one trip, to get YOU to hire him." Flintheart explained.
"Then you got him mad and he signed that contract with me to spite you. But I'll tell you what I want: you have an antique sailing vessel that you have been restoring, planning to give tours to rich people on it..." Flintheart continued.
"You stole that idea! You built that cheap copy of an antique sailing vessel just to steal my idea!' Mr. McDuck thundered.
"You can't prove that, can you? And there's no law against stealing a general idea." Flintheart began again.
"But two such sailing vessel companies giving tours are one too many. I propose a race, your ship against mine. The stakes: if YOU win, you get my sailing vessel and my promise not to compete against yours- and I tear up Donald's contract. If I win, you give me your sailing ship, your promise not to compete against mine, and Donald signs up for another four years of working for me!" Flintheart said.
"By that time you could plant enough evidence on Donald to have him locked up for life! But I'll take your wager, Flintheart, as I have no choice." Mr. McDuck agreed.
"Very well. But Donald stays locked in my brig till the race is over. Call it insurance he doesn't sabotage my ship." Glomgold said.
So Mr. McDuck called Launchpad and told him to sail the ship in the upcoming race.
"You sure you can sail this thing? The boys told me you had a little trouble with the "Little Wave". (3) asked.
"They weren't studying for their sailing merit badge- they were just fooling around playing pirate. I figured the best way to get them to study was to let Webby- who HAD been studying- do the sailing." Launchpad began.
"And it worked! They were so humiliated seeing a GIRL do something they couldn't, they studied without my having to be the heavy and having to yell at them." Launchpad explained.
"So- you do know how to sail a ship, then?" Mr. McDuck said.
"They'd hardly let me out of the harbor with the "Little Wave" if I didn't. We McQuacks were pilots in the original sense of the word (4) long before airplanes were invented." (5)
So early the next day, they started preparations for the race between "The Lucky Dime" and "Heart like a Stone". Mr. McDuck had arranged for officials to monitor the race. Naturally, both the boys and Webby wheedled Unca Scrooge into letting them come.
"You do know that Flinty is going to cheat, don't you, Mr. McDuck?" Launchpad asked.
"Of course. He probably has an engine hidden someplace on that sailing vessel of his. I almost hope he uses it! I arranged for the media to be covering this race. TV cameras will be following the race from planes and helicopters- with telescopic lens!" Mr. McDuck gloated.
"If they see steam from either ship- or either ship is going faster than a sailing ship can go- they'll check it out in a minute. If Flintheart is caught cheating, I'll win the race!" Mr. McDuck said.
"Good. But the coast guard is watching the race, too- to make sure it doesn't interfere with other boats and ships or visa-versa. It might be a good idea to ask them to watch Flintheart, too." Launchpad suggested.
"Good idea! Flintheart is bound to have an ace in the hole- or he would not have insisted on this race!" Mr. McDuck said.
Flintheart did, indeed, have an ace in the hole.
"Arggh! Flintheart's got a clipper ship! You have an ordinary sailing vessel! He may not have to cheat to win!" Launchpad said, seeing Flintheart's ship for the first time.
"What's a clipper ship, Launchpad?" Webby asked.
"Very fast sailing vessel. A lot faster than an ordinary sailing ship, which is what we've got. But Flintheart won't be able to use that speed at first, not till we're out of shipping lanes and into clear sailing. And if I know Flinty, he won't be able to resist cheating, even if he can win fair and square." Launchpad said.
"Of course he'll cheat. To HIM, it's foolish NOT to cheat. But we have to win, Launchpad- my nephew Donald's freedom depends on it- and we have to win fair and square. I'll not stoop to Flintheart's level or else Donald would be right when he thought I was no better than Flintheart!" Mr. McDuck said.
"Kind of stupid of Donald to assume you were lying about that. Even if he didn't know Flinty was crooked, you'd think he'd give you the benefit of the doubt." said Launchpad, who didn't know the whole story.
So Launchpad studied the rules of the race VERY carefully and prepared the "Lucky Dime" for the race. When the tide was right, the race was on! But as soon as they cleared the shipping lanes and were out into the open ocean, Flintheart's clipper "Heart like a Stone" pulled out in front.
But Launchpad had been waiting for this. He tossed a rope attached to a grapping hook (the other end tied to the "Lucky Dime"), and hooked Flinty's ship. "Heart like a Stone" was now towing "The Lucky Dime"! This slowed down Flintheart's clipper quite a bit. Launchpad tacked into the wind and slowed "Heart like a Stone" even more.
"Now to take advantage of the fact this ship is heavier than his!" Launchpad said.
"How's about a little game of "Crack the whip", Flintheart?" Launchpad asked.
And Launchpad tacked into the wind. The heavier "Lucky Dime" now shook "Heart like a Stone" as if it was the victim in "Crack the Whip". Flintheart's ship was biffed and buffed and almost swamped by waves as Launchpad tacked first this way and then that, towing "Heart Like a stone" behide it.
"I don't get it! Why doesn't Flintheart cut the line or toss off the grapping hook?" Mr. McDuck inquired.
"Because I hooked the line on Donald's cell! The grapping hook is hooked around the bars of Donald's cell!" Launchpad crowed.
" To toss out the hook or cut the line, Flinty's got to unlock Donald's cell- and get past Donald! And he must be madder than a wet hen by now! I figured he could keep Flintheart and his flunkies.(6) busy long enough for me to get away with this! " Launchpad gloated, rather proud of himself.
" I was hoping the cell's bars would be pulled clean off, but I guess that only works in cowboy movies. (7)." Launchpad added.
And below deck, Flintheart and his associates were fighting a spitting mad Donald, them trying to get to the line to cut it or toss it off, Donald trying to prevent them from doing so. Good thing the race officials had removed all guns from Flintheart's ship. Flintheart had not thought he'd need any or he would of cheated and hidden some.
In case you are wondering why the race's officials let Flintheart lock Donald up in the brig: simple. Flintheart pointed out that Donald tried to quit his job right after the robberies was discovered.
"How am I supposed to know that Donald did know commit those thefts and wants to quit so he can escape with the loot before I can find proof of his guilt? This race is a way settling the matter, quietly, without dragging Donald into court. But I have the right to keep Donald locked up in my brig under suspicious of theft until the race is over!" Flintheart told them.
The officials bought it.
Soon, the line was cut.
"What happened?" asked.
"Hey, Donald was fighting Flintheart and probably half of the Beagle clan single-handedly. Even that little spitfire (8) could only keep them busy for awhile before he was outnumbered." Launchpad surmised.
"Did a pretty good job, holding them off for even that long." Mr. McDuck muttered, under his breath.
"I'm telling him you said that!" Launchpad teased, in a singsong voice.
"No need. I'll tell him myself. Maybe if I told him I'm proud of him before, he wouldn't have gone to work for Flintheart in the first place." Mr. McDuck said.
However, the "Lucky Dime" had pulled in front of "Heart Like a Stone" and was now in the lead. But Flintheart was preparing to cheat. Big surprize.
"Do you know the plan?" Flintheart asked the Beagles.
"Sure. We goes to the "Lucky Dime" in the lifeboat. We scuba dive under it and tape the explosive to it's hull. Then it's back to the boat, where we press the button on the remote control and boom! Scroogie goes down in the drink!" Big Time said.
"Duh- but won't the officials know we cheated when Scrooge's ship blows?" Burger asked.
"That's the beauty of it! The explosion will look as if Scroogie hid a small engine aboard his ship. It''ll appear as if he used too small an engine at too high a speed and it blew a gasket on him! It'll seem as if Scrooge was the one who cheated! Now- GO!" Flintheart said.
"Burger, where's the remote control?" Big Time asked.
"I forgot it. I was busy getting something to eat." Burger said.
"Well, go get it!" Big Time said.
Burger does so. But neither notice that the remote he gets is marked "remote control "B"" while the explosive is marked "explosive "A".
The plan goes as planned- until Big Time presses the button. Then an explosion comes- from "Heart Like a Stone"!
"Burger! Which remote did you take?" Big Time demanded.
"Duh- what difference does it make?" Burger asked.
"Idiot! Each explosive is rigged to it's own remote! You grabbed the wrong remote and blew up one of the extra explosive packs on board "Heart Like a Stone". You just blew up our own ship!" Big Time accused.
"You mean YOU blew it up. YOU pressed the button." Burger pointed out.
Well, "Heart Like a Stone" didn't exactly "blow up". The explosion was amidships. Nobody was hurt and the explosion freed Donald. Heck, it blew a nice door-sized hole in his cell wall! It also blew a few holes in the hull of the ship. "Heart like a Stone" was going down like one!
But Donald did not go thru 3 quad-zillion lifeboat drills while in the Navy for nothing, he knew what to do. He started quacking orders at the Beagle Boys.
"Hey! You're our prisoner, not our boss!" Bone Beagle(9)said.
Flintheart bopped him on his non-existent brain.
"Idiot! Only a fool fights in a burning house! Or a sinking ship! Do what he says!" Flintheart said.
Donald helped them prepare the lifeboats and get into them and abandon ship. Meanwhile, Launchpad turned the ""Lucky Dime" around.
"Launchpad, what are you doing? We can win!" Huey said.
"Hello? Your Uncle Donald's aboard that ship! And it's going down fast! We gotta rescue him! And we can't just let Flintheart or the Beagle Boys drown, either. Although it's kind of tempting, something tells me that blast was meant for US." Launchpad said.
"Ack! I got so caught up in the race I forgot that Unca Donald was aboard that ship!" said Huey, turning red.
" I forgot all about him! You're right, Launchpad, we gotta rescue Unca Donald. And I suppose we gotta rescue Flintheart and the Beagles, too, even if they ARE royal stinkers. We are the Good Guys, after all." Huey sad, rather shamefaced for having forgotten about his Uncle Donald in all the excitement.
So Launchpad brought the "Lucky Dime" around and picked up Donald, Flintheart and the Beagle Boys from their lifeboats.
" Permission to come aboard, Cap't Launchpad?" teased Donald
" Permission gladly given, Seaman Donald! And remind me to give you a medal or two, later!" joked Launchpad right back.
After Launchpad brought everyone on board the "Lucky Dime", it went on to win the race, uncontested.
Flintheart was tempted to protest, but Big Time was nearby in his lifeboat and heard Flinty grumbling. Big Time told Flintheart that the other explosive was still taped to the hull of the "Lucky Dime". If Flinty cried 'foul', the officials would find the explosive and Flinty would have a lot of explaining to do!
The End.
(1) The word comes from the root word "nephew". Originally, someone who is prejudice in favor of their nephew.
(2) While it possible Launchpad pulled that ad sign for Flintheart in "Robot Robbers" for the same reasons, I think he too, might find it easier to get such a job than quit it- unless Launchpad double-crossed Flinty by taking the job to spy on Flinty. Nothing gets somebody madder than when somebody who is SUPPOSED to be stupid out-smarts them. Besides, Launchpad has too much sense to think reason # 2 makes sense- trusting a crook is stupid.
(3) "Merit-time Adventure"
(4) Pilot: "One who steers a ship in and out of port, a helmsman"
(5) I think Webby taught Launchpad how to surf after "Merit time Adventure". I think the "Little Wave" was almost capsized by the "sea monster", Launchpad managed to keep it from being capsized, but got hit in the back of his head by the sail's beam. I think he fell into the water, unconscious.
I think Webby surfed out to rescue him, and pushed the board under him, and surfed back with Launchpad, still unconscious, draped over the board. I don't think she's strong enough to pull him thru the water, swimming. This was a little embarrassing to Launchpad, since I think he lived in California at one point: his kid sister, Loopy talks like a valley girl.
I KNOW Disney SAID Webby taught Launchpad how to swim, that doesn't make sense.
Launchpad went scuba diving in "Aquaducks" and "A Ducktales Valentine", one of which was aired BEFORE "Merit-time Adventure" and you can't go scuba diving if you don't know how to swim.
And Launchpad is too big and heavy for 8(?)year old Webby to drag while swimming. (And you have to be a very good swimmer to scuba dive. It's not for beginners. So Webby could not have taught him right before "Aquaducks', either. )
6) Which would make a good name for a rock band.
(7) In Westerns, often the good guy is unjustly in jail. His friends help him escape so he can clear his name.
His friends tie a rope to his cell's bars , with the other end tied to a horse and have the horse pull the bars clear off the cell window.
If you have not seen at least ONE Western where that happens, you are a deprived child, indeed.
(8) Name of a WWII fighter plane.
(9)I made him up, too. Tall, skinny Beagle. Likes bones and is bone-headed.