Sailor Pythons's
FLYING DEAD MOON CIRCUS
by DARK DAY FOR ANIME
Chapter 1 - "Lemon Curry" or "Is That A Handful Of Snails In Your Mouth,
Or Are You Just Pleased To Eat Me?"
Warning - This story contains various acts of culinary atrocities.
Well, you've been warned. I mean it, really, truly I do.
This was written to insert as many gratuitous references to Python
sketches into Sailormoon and it just got out of control. What can I
say? I'm havin' a wee problem with ma Goggomobile. That's Gee Oh Gee
Gee Oh....
Disclaimer - Sailormoon is owned by Takeuchi Naoko and Bandai.
Evangelion and the Ayanami Rei character are owned by Gainax (and Anno
Hideaki? Maybe. Maybe not. Will someone just give that man some
Prozac). Illusions to Please Save My Earth are owned by Hiwatari Saki.
I sincerely hope none of them sue me for this as they will find very
little recompense for their actions.
When the Ancients set up their Universal Theme parks, one of the
things they hadn't expected to cause trouble was reality.
Now reality is normally an easy concept to keep under control. It
usually just happens and nobody really thinks about it. Its just when
aspects of reality come loose at the seams that problems raise their
collective heads. And in the case of such breaches, collective is
usually the term best used.
After several of their Universal Theme Parks went up with the
force of a couple of exploding super-supergiant singularities, the
Ancients decided it was time to take measures, and reality, into their
own hands.
Rather than create the various universii and allow them to look
after themselves, Ancients were trained to become Guardians of the
Universal Reality Protocols (GURPs for short). Most tried to shun the
acronym, unsurprisingly.
Now, the Job description for a GURP sounds simplisitc enough. Sit
through the Universal Reality Check Sweeps conducted by the Universe's
Central Computer, and deal with any breaches of reality that pop up.
Unfortunately, as the early GURPs were to find out, dealing with the
breaches were not as easy as they expected.
One of the biggest problems in dealing with Reality Breaches was
the insertion into the timestream of the various universii of their own
selves. To manipulate reality back into a stable stream, there was no
choice but for the GURPs to get their hands dirty. Merely using their
powers to change events ran the risk of upsetting the Universal Program
But, if any of the inhabitants of their universe discovered the true
nature of both the GURP and the Universe to which they were born, the
breach that was already in existence began to feed on itself.
The concept of something OUTSIDE the reality of the Universe was
enough to cause a vacuuming effect on the stability of that reality,
increasing the likelihood that the breach will get out of control.
Often the only way to stop the breach at this point would be to destroy
all those involved in a cataclysm, and the GURPs were loathe to use such
methods. Whilst the beings that existed in the Universii were nothing
more than a construct of the Ancients, they did have a kind of sentience
that could be said, on occasion, to match that of their creators....
And so the business of becoming a GURP became institutionalised
into Ancient society. Universal Universities were set up to educate
potential GURP candidates in their duties. Very few would pass, but
enough to fill up the rapidly expanding number of Universal Theme Parks.
One of those successful candidates was Jyoserin Tepukataya. Well,
successful was something of a loose term for Jyoserin, since she passed
with a B- on her third attempt, but all the same, anything above C was
considered a pass in this game, and most failed to get even as high as
that.
And so, after graduating, she applied for a GURP position, not
really expecting to get one. She'd initially applied to the Universal
University in the hope of achieveing nothing more than a cushy job
within the company's finance department. If there was anything she had
been good at, it was making money, mostly for herself, and mostly
through bribery and corruption.
So it came as something of a surprise to her when she was posted
to one of the newly-developed universes. And a patently boring one at
that. Universe JTN 025L, operated by Central Computer Kam Kam 25. Even
before she took up her position, she just knew she'd hate the CC. Kam
Kam models were known for their eccentric behaviour.
If there was one aspect to GURP duties that Jyoserin REALLY hated,
it was the long, boring millenia waiting for something to happen. And
up to this point, nothing had. She'd existed through twelve sweeps
without a single crack in reality being found (give or take the little
glitches that normally occur, such as cursed springs and the like). And
so, she spent most of this voluminous spare time tormenting lower life
forms.
Well, it was amusing to begin with. Using the existing program of
the universe to instill a little religious, racial and political
intolerance and guilt in the weak-minded and gullible gave her endless
millenia of joy. But it soon became a bore after the five-millionth act
of genocide caused by yet another tin-pot dictator, and as the Universe
ended its twentieth cycle and began another, she'd decided to go into
hibernation....
Jyoserin sat cross-legged and silent in front of a glowing sphere.
Gently, it ticked away. It had been doing this for something close to
an eternity, give ot take lunch breaks, but for some reason it had
started to sound a tad more earnest. Well, about as earnest as a sphere
of light that ticked could sound.
Then it let out a shrill ringing, the image of a pair of alarm
bells being struck appearing within, and Jyoserin was shaken into
wakefulness. Very reluctantly. She snorted and coughed and wiped drool
from the side of her mouth, cursing whatever it was that bothered her.
Her attention slowly becoming focused, she saw the bells within the
sphere of light ringing. In anger she brought her fist down on the
sphere, which shattered into nothingness.
"Bluddie cheap alarms". She thought. "Couldn't ya have waited
another five minutes?" Jyoserin stood, almost floating in the darkness
that surrounded her, and stared upwards. She yawned and scratched her
head. She'd chosen the humanoid form as it roughly equivalated the
appearance of the majority of intelligent lifeforms within the universe
she worked. That didn't mean she had to like it, but it would get her
round without being noticed by too many of the inhabitants when they
came a knocking on her door. Not that many ever did. It was an
interesting distraction, however, and she'd planted signs all over the
neighbouring systems pointing to her little residence, which was roughly
the size of a small megapolis.
"Kam-Kam.... Are you awake?"
"Of course I'm awake. What else did you think I'd be?"
Jyoserin winced. Oh well, looks like he's in a better mood than I
am, she thought to herself. Darkly, she contemplated what effect a
processor refit would have.
"Well, you know... Its kinda been a long time since we last
spo...."
"Yes yes yes, I know its been a long time. Hell, I was awake
through every single moment of it. After all, I may be a computer but I
do have a least some level of sentience..."
"Very well... I..."
"I mean, the least you could have done was set that alarm a little
softer. I've made a hell of a mess in the thermo conductor units cos of
that. I was only doing a spot check on it, the five-millionth such spot
check in the time you decided to go sleepy-byes. I wasn't effing well
expecting you to wake up, was I? I mean, you could have told me what
the bloody hell your intentions were... I mean, yes, I do run the
sweeps, and when they find a reality breach the alarm goes off, but I'd
waited so long for something to happen that I thought it best to do
something else. Its certainly not like you've ever given me any
entertainment to wile away the hours...."
"Ahem... Can..."
"And here I was, sitting for all this time, logging and recording
events from around the universe, which was interesting at first but
rapidly became as boring as an episode of Voyager, whilst you were off
in dreamland. I had to sit here and keep everything going. Does the
computer get any rest, oooohhhh nooooo! No, whilst you have all the
fun, I am bored to ratshit. I mean, did you know that the sum total of
all knowledge exists within my databanks, eh? You know what that means?
There is nothing more to learn! And here I am, sitting here watching a
stack of predictable bullshit, not able to talk to anyone with anything
resembling an intelligent response, whilst you were off kippin' away for
fuck knows 'ow many years...."
"Kam-Kam...."
"And on top of that I've developed rot in the hard drives...."
"Kam-Kam...."
"I'm stickin on heaps of antifuckingfungals and the bloody problem
doesn't get any better...."
"Shutup...."
"And not long after that, those drums of gearing oil you got on
special started to coagulate within the timing machanisms of my internal
clock. Time began to slow down for me. Do you know what it is like
having to wait for an eternuty to pass in slow motion? No, I don't
suppose you do, you were sleeping through it all, weren't you..."
"Shutup..."
"And then we had another infestation in the storehouse of Gurmbal
Rats. The little bastards had porked their way through at least half
the rations before I was able to scrag them with the ratsac. And cheap
fucking ratsac it was too, bought from the same fucking discount store
you got the gearing oil from...."
"Will you shutup..."
"And then when I try to talk to people out there, actually attempt
an intelligent conversation, you know, friendly like, they don't listen
to me. Just spout on bullshit about a galactic brotherhood and how nice
it is to know that there is life in the universe. I mean, I friggin'
well know there is life in the universe. Why tell me. I know
everything, fer Klepps fuckin' sake....."
"Will...You...Shutup!"
"And so I told one of them, one of these so-called 'intelligent'
races about my problems, about the hard-drives and the oil and the rats
and about not being able to talk to anyone and how I knew everything and
all that, and the bastards go and commit mass-suicide, I mean, I was
only trying to be friendly and all..."
"Shutup! Will you shutup!?!"
"And then there were all the Mormons that would come knocking on
the door, asking if I was interested in joining their church. I didn't
have the heart to tell the poor sods that I created the concept of
religion in the first place because I thought it might be good for a
laugh, so I told them that I wasn't interested and set the Smugul onto
them. I was cleaning up bits of bodies from all over the side of the
station for years after that..."
"Oh Klepp, will you please shutup!"
"And did you know we're about three million years overdue in our
electricity bill? I mean, you could at least have allowed me to get
control of the account so I could have payed it off. But noooo, you
only ever want to keep control of such things. You're terrified of the
computer having control over anything. I mean, I know I purchased the
complete set of the Encyclopdia Galactica the last time I had control
but honestly I won't do it again. I just wanted to fob off the salesman
somehow, and you know they never send people small enough to get eaten
by the Smugul. I had to think of something really fast...."
"KAM-KAM! GIVE ME A STATUS REPORT ON ALL THE IMPORTANT EVENTS
SINCE I BEGAN MY HIBERNATION!!! CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME? PLEASE?
PRETTY PLEASE?"
The computer sulked. "Aww... Now you're just picking on me."
"Just do it, fer Klepp's sake."
"Can you define important?"
"What do you mean?" Jyoserin croaked in exasperation.
"I mean important, as in galaxies being blown to crappers, or
important as in the little wriggly things that populate the universe. I
mean, there is a scale of importance out there, you know. Klepp
almighty, just take a look out the windows to the west, now there's
something important. That supergiant black hole is about to go kablooey
cos its event horizon is getting sucked in with everything else.
That'll be fun to watch when it goes. Course.... it'll be another
three billion years yet, but I can wait. Hell, waiting is all I seem to
be able to do around here...."
"You KNOW what I mean about important. Just gimme da facts, man!"
Jyoserin sighed. She knew it had been a bad idea to use the O9 System
on the Kam-Kam series.
"Oh, I suppose I must." Kam-Kam sniffed with contempt. "There's
been a few breaches in the reality protocols since the last sensor
sweep."
"When and where?"
"The first occured in the LN50 galaxial system, a stable
supergiant black hole structure in the Third Sector. The problem
cleared itself...."
"Revise the instructions.... Are there any breaches of reality
protocol that have NOT cleared themselves?"
"Ah..." Kam-Kam gave an audible sigh. Well, that's what it
sounded like to Jyoserin, anyway. She wondered how it was possible for
a computer, even with a level of intelligence and self-awareness, to
develop the kind of emotions that would lead them to sighing. "So you
want me to tell you if there are any occurrences of the reality protocol
breaches NOT clearing themselves, do you?"
Now it was her turn to sigh. "Yes, that is what I said. Were the
instructions less than clear or something?"
"Well, you do seem to spend a lot of your time ordering me around.
Its not really fair, I must say. I mean, here I am, having worked my
butt off for all eternity and still you won't give me a moment's
rest...."
"JUST ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION, DAMMIT!"
Kam-Kam gave a contemptuous sniff. "Oh very well, yes, there is
one occasion where the breach has not cleared itself."
"And where might this be then?"
"A little world, in the galaxy known as Mutter's Spiral. The
galactic name given to it is Telluria, but its local inhabitants tend to
refer it variously as the planet Earth."
Jyoserin mentally chewed on this piece of information (at least,
Kam Kam thought he could hear munching sounds). "That's the JS42
galaxy, is it not?"
"Indeed."
"That's something of a fringe system.... Its pretty rare for
conditions that lead to a breach to occur out there. Even more for the
conditions to persist."
"Should we tell them to see a doctor?"
Jyoserin ignored the remark. "Give me a visual on the location
and those involved."
A large image screen flashed up in front of Jyoserin's face. Kam-
Kam began a commentary on what was being shown. The first was the image
of a planet. "This is the planet Telluria. Its equatorial diameter in
12, 756 mellus, has a gravitational balance of 0.88 kerlan and orbits a
Gold4 class star. It has one large natural satellite of planetary
dimensions."
"Show me the epicentre of the breach." Jyoserin bit her lip as
the image of the planet enlarged to an island archipelago off the
eastern tip of the world's largest continental structure.
"The TE12 island group." Said Kam-Kam flatly. "A heavily
populated group of islands surrounded by an ocean of highly acidised
water. The population of the local dominant species is approximately
121 million."
"Well, we can't just sneak in then." Jyoserin rubbed her chin as
the image zoomed in even further onto what was obviously a mega-
population centre, a city, so to speak. Although the dwellings and
infrastructure were primitive, it showed signs of rapid formulative
change.... "These locals must have developed fairly quickly over the
last few medeks...."
"From the information I've been able to gather, their
technological developments have come in something of a rush. Although
their race has only been in true existence for approximately 4 million
medeks, their higher-brain development has come of age in the last
300..."
"Whaaaaaaat?" Jyoserin's jaw hit the floor, which Kam-Kam found
rather amusing. His Mistress's physical capacity for literal body
movement was enough for her to enter the Galactic Book of Records
several times in various categories. After she had retrived her jaw
from the floor, she continued.... "This can't be real! No race evolves
that far that fast. Its impossible! Even the Drc'Thet took three-
thousand medeks to achieve this level of development, and they burnt
themselves out...."
"Should I prepare the chamber for your intervention?" Asked Kam
Kam flatly. Jyoserin turned to a large cylindrical chamber, which was
illuminated at that moment. The chamber was created for the purpose of
taking the intellect of the GURP and inserting that intellect into the
mind of one of the Universe's inhabitants, using the powers invested
within the Ancients. Jyoserin considered her next move for a few
moments.
"Very well. We can't have this continuing. This rapid
development is obviously a by-product of the protocol breach...."
"Uh, ma'am...."
"Yes? What is it?"
"The breach has only been in existence for about five medeks
now...."
Jyoserin frowned.... "Five medeks...." She rubbed her chin a
moment. "Perhaps the rapid development caused the breach in the first
place...." She thought a bit longer. Kam-Kam disturbed her thoughts.
"Perhaps its a fluke. I mean, like the OPK incident. Nothing
more than a couple of potentiality streams accidentally crossing each
other...."
"Yes, and we know what happened then, don't we? Why the hell
anyone thought the smokeless ashtray was going to sell, I have NO
idea...."
"So, how do you intend to plan for this foray?"
Jyoserin thought about this for a few moments. "Give me a rundown
on the individuals involved in this incident, their personal histories
and what part they played..."
"Yes ma'am."
"And give me their current locations...."
It was not long after Rei had been diagnosed with a serious
impulse control disorder that the sailor senshi found themselves sitting
in Rei's bedroom at the Hikawa shrine, chatting away and generally doing
the kinds of things they tended to do before they had to fight for their
lives. For some reason, Minako had taken to pacing backwards and
forwards outside the doorway to the bedroom, softly singing to herself
about having a lovely bunch of coconuts. The others put this behaviour
down to the fact that she was blond and had spent a short period of time
in England.
"Hey, hey, did you meet that new girl in school today?" Usagi
leaned over the small table in an almost conspiratorial tone. Makoto
and Rei did the same so they could hear what she was saying. Ami simply
sat back, reading a book on the sex life of snails, trying desperately
to find some trace of her family history. "She was pretty strange.
Just standing and staring half the time, never saying anything." Usagi
continued.
"Why was she transferred to our school, anyway?" Makoto asked.
"She doesn't try to fit in with anyone.... Maybe she's... You
know...." Makoto pointed to her head.
"What? Mental?" Rei blurted out. Makoto and Usagi both clamped
a hand over her mouth. Then Makoto turned to Usagi.
"Why are we whispering this, anyway? She's not likely to hear
us."
"Yes, but you never know with these people, she might be hiding
just around the corner." Usagi and Makoto took their hands off Rei's
mouth. Rei turned to Makoto.
"What makes you think she's a screwhead, anyway?"
"Its all those bandages she keeps in her bag.... Covered in blood
and all...." Makoto shivered. Rei looked nonplussed.
"Bandages? Maybe she'd had an accident or something..."
"No, its more than that.... Its the way she plays with them that
gives me the creeps." Now both Usagi and Makoto started to shiver in
unison. Rei looked at the both of them and turned on the heater.
"Thanks." Said Makoto. Just at that moment there was a knock on
the side of the open doorway. Makoto turned to see a deliveryman
standing there. She got up and walked over to him.
"Yes?"
"Is this the Hikawa Shrine, 45a The Crescent, Fairmont Estate?"
"Yes, why?"
"Did you order a swamp thing with the lot?"
Makoto turned back to Usagi. "You're not ordering from
experimental food joints again, are you?"
"Th...th...th...these people are involved in this kind of
charade!?!?!?!" Jyoserin stared at the information as it scrolled over
the 3D display. "An ancient kingdom that once existed on the planet's
satellite, based on magic and love? What is this bullshit?"
"Don't ask me. Its not in my records. And everything exists in
my records."
"Yes, yes, yes, we know you're a smartarse, okay?" Jyoserin sat
back in her chair and suddenly remembered she didn't have one. After
picking herself up, rubbing her sore backside, she continued to
contemplate the scrolling information whilst trying to conjure up a
chair.
"The planet's satellite has been incapable of supporting any form
of life throughout its history. It has no atmosphere, no water, no
significant radiation belts, no sign of any of the basic building blocks
of life whatsoever...."
"Perhaps this so-called kingdom was set up by an alien race that
settled on the moon.... They could have based a small city-like station
there to watch over the planet below."
"And they're all suddenly reincarnated on the world below as the
local form of intelligent wildlife, currently enjoying the fruits of
this world's wonderful education system and getting all angsty over
memories of their past lives. Yeah right, I can see that happening."
"Actually, that did happen once, but nothing on the scale
suggested." An image of an abandoned space station appeared on the
display. Jyoserin stared at the image and scratched her head.
"Hmm... anyway, this is far too small to have anything to do with
this 'Moon Kingdom' legend."
Kam-Kam shrugged. Not that a computer can shrug, but it at least
attempted the task. This was mildly disconcerting for Jyoserin....
She'd never seen a computer attempt to shrug. Her expression said so.
"What can I say?" Kam-Kam replied to her expression. "I'm having
a wee problem with ma Goggomobile."
"Your what?"
"Never mind." There were times, Kam Kam thought to himself, when
his mistress lacked the mental capacity to grasp obscure humour.
(Jyoserin never had the heart to tell him that it was the same for
everyone else).
Jyoserin sighed and the displays disappeared. "I'm going to try
to possess one of them to influence the situation. Is the chamber
warmed up?"
"Yes ma'am." Kam-Kam seemed to hesitate for a moment as Jyoserin
was preparing to leave. "Umm.... ma'am..."
"Yes?"
"Who are you going to possess?"
"I'm keeping my options open."
"But you'll only be able to transfer yourself a limited number of
times before you have to return and recharge...."
"I know that. I'll have this worked out within a perimedek....
What can go wrong from here?" And with that, Jyoserin vanished,
reappearing in the possession chamber. Kam-Kam muttered to himself.
"Alright, Kam Kam, I'm choosing a subject now. You may switch on when
ready."
For a few moments, the chamber glowed, Jyoserin winking in and out
of existence, finally vanishing as the glowing reached a peak and a
rushing sound reached a crescendo. Kam Kam twiddled his thumbs,
wondering what to do next. He suddenly realised he didn't have any
thumbs, and stopped.
"Is she gone?" Asked a soft voice. Kam Kam's attention moved to
the small figure, now standing in the shadows.
"Yes, ma'am. However, it is only a matter of time before she
finds you."
The figure chuckled. "I most certainly hope so. I hate to think
that I've gone to this extent for her to fail such a simple task...."
Back at the Hikawa Shrine, the girls continued to sit around the
table, sighing. Makoto stared into the corner of the room, where the
swamp thing sat happily, not even showing any signs of moving. It just
watched them with what Makoto feared to be a somewhat hungry gleam in
its eye. Rei rapidly became bored with the situation, and decided to
perform mildly amusing acts of violence upon Ami, who had been feeding
her family of snails, referring to each by name and, most worryingly,
referring to one particular pair as "Mom and Dad". Minako continued to
pace outside the doorway, now crooning the greatest hits of Glenn
Miller. Considering there were often very few words to Glenn Miller's
repertoire, this proved to be very short and repetetive.
"What the bloody hell are we gonna do with that thing?" Makoto
thumbed the swamp thing. Usagi took another mouthful of Ami's snails,
crunching and drooling spit and slime down the front of her clothes and
across Makoto as she replied.
"B'gdifino.... J'sthtwouldbenicetaodarfromthasall...." Makoto
would proceed to spend some large portion of the rest of her life trying
to translate these words. As Usagi swallowed the slimy mess she wiped
her chin with the tablecloth. "You should really try them, Makoto, they
make great soft-centres."
"I don't think so somehow. Raw snail has never been high on my
list of favourite dishes."
"Aww, you're just mad cos I ordered the swamp thing and ya don't
wanna eat it."
"I'd like to see you try." Makoto growled. For some strange
reason she was feeling a bit agro today. She spun towards Rei, who had
Ami in a double overhead half nelson. "Will you STOP that fer
Chrissakes! Its really beginning to bug me!"
Rei huffed and let go of Ami, who collapsed onto the floor.
Jyoserin's soul flew through billions of light years in a matter
of seconds. She could see her target, within the small hut in the
shrine grounds..... All she had to do was to get the targeting
right.....
Ami looked up at Usagi, tears in her eyes from the pain of what
Rei had just afflicted upon her. Suddenly she froze.... Seeing her
beloved snail collection being ravaged by the mouth on legs herself. As
Usagi reached down to take the last specimen, Ami grabbed the container
where she had kept them
"Not Archibald! You're not going to have Archibald too!" Ami
gritted her teeth determinedly as she held the container protectively.
Usagi shot her a menacing look.
"I want that snail, Mizuno!"
"No! I'm not going to give him.... er.... her.... whatever.
I'm not going to give it to you! Don't you know this is my cousin,
twice removed?!?!"
"I won't tell you twice, Mizuno. Give me the snail." Usagi
leaned menacingly forward. Makoto was getting really pissed off now,
and she couldn't work out why.
"Will you BOTH just SHUTUP about the FUCKING SNAIL!!!!"
"No! I must eat that snail! It is my destiny as the Moon
Princess to eat that snail!"
"Umm... Excuse me..."
They all turned to the swamp thing, which had suddenly found voice
enough to speak. It recoiled initially from the dangerous looks they
sent. "Umm... er, if you wouldn't mind, I can start being a real swamp
thing now and attempt to maim, kill and eat you. That's if you like, I
mean I really don't have to, I'm quite happy to sit in the corner here
if you want me to and stare into space all day.... Umm.. Okay, I'll
shutup now." The swamp thing retreated to the corner again.
Jyoserin shot through the atmosphere towards the island
archipelago. The big city structure now in her sights. It came closer
and closer... The resolution becoming clearer. Eventually the
district... the suburb... the block... the street... the shrine came
into focus. Her soul plowed through the roof of the hut at an
unbelievable speed, and she felt herself crash into what she hoped was
the body of the one she had chosen to possess.... Slowly, she opened
her eyes. This seemed a little difficult to do for some reason, and she
swung the eyes upwards. There was a large face bearing down upon her,
and she felt a few moments of fear. The face came into focus....
Mizuno Ami!?!?!?! Jyoserin was shocked.... Mizuno had been her
target! then if she had missed Mizuno.... who the hell was she in?
"NO! I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU ARCHIBALD!" Ami's incredibly
loud voice bellowed. Jyoserin swivelled around to look at the others.
"THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE MIZUNO! I WON'T TELL YOU AGAIN. GIVE
ME THE SNAIL!!!" Jyoserin could see Usagi's angry face bearing down on
both herself and Ami....
Oh fuck, Jyoserin thought.... I'm in the snail....
Usagi converged on Ami, putting out her hands like crooked claws.
Ami backed away, holding the container even more protectively. Makoto
had had enough. "WILL THE BOTH OF YOU FUCKING IDIOTS JUST STOP FUCKING
AROUND! I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THIS BULLSHIT!!!!" And just to
prove her point, Makoto smashed her fists through the table. This
caught the attention of Usagi, Ami and Rei pretty quickly. Usagi fell
back towards the rear wall. The shock of what Makoto had done worked
like a spike through Usagi's sense of reality.
"Wh... Wh... What am I doing?" She looked at her shirt for a
moment, and suddenly became very ill. "I.... I just ate...." Usagi
put her hands over her mouth and turned around. Makoto gritted her
teeth and snarled.
"What are ya gonna do, Tsukino? Throw up all over Rei's nice
floor?"
"It's alright, you know, Mako-chan. I throw up over it all the
time. Ya know, parties and things.... See all the patches" Rei
pointed to little dark spots all over the floor. Ami stared at the
spots.
"You said that was rain damage." Rei looked up at Ami and
shrugged.
Makoto clenched her fists and stood, unable to withstand the
company of others a moment longer. "I've had enough. I'm outta here!"
And with that, Makoto stormed off through the doorway, almost bowling
over Minako, who had graduated from Glenn Miller to Irving Berlin. As
she strode towards the front gate, she put a hand to her forehead. Why
am I so angry, she thought to herself. Things seemed to be strange all
around.... Nothing seemed to be going right for her lately. Everyone
was giving her a hard time, picking on her, making fun of her....
She felt rage again, and continued with renewed vigour,
momentarily bowled over crossing the street outside by a creature on a
spring that shouted "Time for Bed"....
Rei and Ami watched Makoto go. Rei turned to Ami for a moment.
"What's gotten into her?" Ami shrugged at Rei's question. Suddenly,
there was a large crashing and splintering sound, and Rei was knocked
over Ami by a figure with a large can-opener which had smashed its way
through the wall. The container with Ami's snail went flying across the
room, and both it and the snail were skewered by the point of the can-
opener. Ami stared at this and broke out in tears as the figure stood
tall above both Rei and herself.
"DINSDALE!" The figure shouted. Rei looked up for a moment, her
eyes wide open in surprise.
"Ho.... Hotaru? What are you doing here?"
"DINSDALE!!!!" Hotaru's voice became much more menacing, staring
down at Ami and Rei with a psychotic gleam. Then she leapt through the
opposite wall, her footsteps disappearing across the Shrine's courtyard.
Rei stood a little groggily, rubbing her head. And they think I'm
the one with the problem, she thought to herself, and stared over at
Usagi, who had proceeded to coat one entire wall with snail paste. The
sight made her feel just a tad nauseous herself. Ami had crawled over
to the remains of her beloved Archibald, picking up the snail tenderly,
tears streaming from her eyes.
"My Archibald. My dear dear Archibald." Ami shook her head
sadly. "Oh well, waste not want not." And with that she swallowed the
snail, shell and all. Rei watched disgustedly as she smacked her lips a
few times. "Hmm..." Said Ami. "Needs salt."
It had been a rather painful way to leave a body, but being split
in half by a giant can-opener rather brought the story of the snail to a
very rapid end.
Jyoserin's soul flew away from the shrine. It had been more an
autonomic response that anything else... No real thought as to where
she was going to plant herself next... She just didn't want to feel the
pain of being in two halves for much longer, and who could blame her?
Her old man could, that's who!
Her father always said she'd be a total disaster as a GURP. Right
now, parentally-induced guilt was beginning to weigh her down.... She
needed to find another body quickly before things really began to get
out of hand.
It was no use trying to go back to the guest house. Whatever had
been causing the reality breach had created waves of chi around the
girls there. What she needed to find now was someone who was relatively
close to the others, but whose life was still vaguely normal. Almost
automatically, her soul was shot towards its new destination, and before
she had time to think, found herself slamming into the body of
another....
"Are you alright?" Umino stared at Naru as she hiccoughed for a
moment. Naru put her drink down and nodded to him, sitting across the
table within the coffee shop.
"Sorry, just a slight turn."
"Don't worry. I get them all the time." The emotionless voice
from the girl sitting next to Naru intoned. Umino and Naru looked at
her for a moment.
"Really, Ayanami-san?" Umino stated. "How long have you had this
problem?"
"I'm not really sure." She continued in her monotone. Then she
noticed Naru staring at her and turned to face her. "Nani?"
"Your hair is blue." Naru blinked a couple of times. Umino
looked from Ayanami to Naru.
"Uh.... Yeah. I think that's rather obvious, Naru-chan."
"Actually, its technically cyan. Or teal. Depends on your point
of view." The sentence was the longest the pair had ever heard Ayanami
express. For some reason they thought it would be the last time they'd
ever hear one like it. Ayanami stared at Naru, who stared ar her.
Ten minutes later, they were still staring.
Twenty minutes later, they were still staring.
Thirty minutes later, Naru decided that Ayanami wasn't likely to
ask her why she was staring, and stopped, using eyedrops to resurrect
her dehydrated eyeballs. Well, she thought, if I ever need someone to
use in a staring contest against a fish, I'll know who to ask....
"Um.... Sorry about that. It just occurred to me. you know,
about the hair."
"I see." Ayanami turned and downed the last of her now cold
coffee and stood, picking up her schoolbag. "I must be getting home. I
shall see you tomorrow."
"Wait, I'll walk with you." Naru stood. Ayanami shrugged.
"Be my guest. But what about...." Ayanami turned to Umino, who
had nodded off during their staring contest. "I guess that settles
that." Naru grabbed her schoolbag and the two girls wandered out of the
cafe.
Umino was asleep for only a couple of minutes more, when he was
woken by a girl with a large can-opener, smashing through the cafe
window and jumping onto his table.
"DINSDALE!" Was all she got out as Umino was knocked back by the
can-opener's handle during her next leap... Across the counter, bowling
over the girls who were serving there, through the doors into the
kitchen, and onwards to a chorus of smashing pots, pans and concrete.
Back at the guest house, Ami held Usagi's head in her lap. Usagi
still looked distinctly queasy, even after emptying the contents of her
stomach. Rei had grabbed a cloth and a bucket in an effort to clean off
the mess, only to find the swamp thing had absorbed it all by osmosis.
Well, she thought, they had to be good for something. Rei sat down
forlornly by the broken table.
"That was all pretty weird, y'know, everyone losing their thread
like that."
".sguls neeb evah dluoc yeht ,esrow neeb evah dluoc tI" Ami said,
stroking Usagi's hair for a moment.
Rei stared at her for a moment. "What did you say?"
Ami looked up at her. "?tahW ......dias I ....mmU" Ami put her
hand to her mouth. "!sdrawkcab tuo gnimoc era senil ym llA"
"That's what I thought you said....." Rei shook her head. There
were a few pills in the medicine cabinet she'd personally liked to have
been consuming right now.... But in all likelihood, her Grandfather
would have probably got to them first, the geriatric little addict....
"Oh God! Oh God!" Rei and Ami turned to the voice that arrived
from the doorway.
"Ce.... CereCere? What are YOU doing here?" Rei turned and
stood as the asteroid senshi fell to her knees, puffing heavily. "And
anyway, how did you get here? I thought you and the others were...."
Rei raised an eyebrow in confusion. The last time she and the asteroid
senshi had met, the girl had not been entirely in her right mind. Rei
watched her suspiciously.
"Oh god oh god oh god, its horrible...." CereCere clutched her
chest in pain. Rei sighed and walked over to the strange, red-headed
girl and put a hand on her shoulder.
"What is? What's happened?"
"Its too horrible to talk about.... The very sight of it...."
CereCere burst into tears. Rei did her best to comfort her.
"You can tell me.... We're both senshi. Maybe we can help...."
CereCere almost choked on her words. "I've just seen Independence
Day.... Oh God, its so horrible, I don't know if I'll ever recover."
After Rei, Ami and the swamp thing picked themselves up from the
floor, CereCere put a finger in the air, her expression changing to a
rather more positive tone. "Aha, I remember what I'm here for now. Its
even more horrible than that."
"?si tahW" Ami asked.
"Yeah, What is?" Repeated Rei.
"Its ParaPara..... She's forgotten to take her medication this
morning...."
Suddenly, from nowhere, lightning flashed, thunder rumbled, the
earth was torn asunder.... The land was visited upon by tsunamis and
typhoons. There was flood, and famine, and pestilence and death....
Minako spun around. "And on the satellite picture, we have a broad band
of clouds which is currently to the east of Honshu...."
Rei pitched the swamp thing at Minako. "I think the next song in
the Beatles collection is 'Ticket to Ride'. Get on with it, blondie!"
The walk had been a long and silent one. Naru peered aside
occasionally at the new girl. Ayanami's face was a mask of sheer, gut
wrenchingly determined boredom. Eventually, Naru could take no more.
There was something she had to ask her. It was imperitive that she be
asked. Naru grabbed Ayanami's shoulder before they crossed the main
road leading to her house. "Ayanami-san!" Ayanami stared at her in
surprise. "You don't mind if I call you Ayanami-san? It does seem a
little formal. How about just Ayanami?"
"Uh... Fine, fine."
"Yes, Ayanami. A little less formal. I like to get an easy
rapport with people, you know. Formality really gets in the way with
things." Naru breathed a little easier. "Now, Rei, I... You don't
mind if I call you Rei?"
"No... No, everyone calls me Rei."
"Yes. Its so much easier.... Less formal. um, now Aya-chan...."
"I'm sorry..."
"What?"
"I don't like being called 'Aya-chan'."
"Hmm?"
"I don't like being called 'Aya-chan'. Its that simple."
"Did I really call you Aya-chan?"
"Yes you did. It was very demeaning. I don't like it."
For some reason, Naru was feeling annoyed with herself, as if this
whole train of conversation was getting in the way of something....
Suddenly she remembered.
"Who.... Who are you?"
Rei stared at Naru. Naru gritted her teeth. "I'm not going to
start another staring contest. I know you're not supposed to be part of
this scenario. You're an anachronism."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... I mean..." For a moment, Naru wondered what she
meant. Then suddenly, Naru's face hardened. "I'm the Guardian of the
Universal Reality Protocols."
"Oh? Would you like to read our meter? Its a Keats...."
"My name in Jyoserin Tepukataya."
"Well, I'm very sorry for you."
Jyoserin.... She now remembered who she was.... It had taken a
while to suppress the Naru-personality.... Jyoserin became annoyed with
this Ayanami girl's flat tone.
"Who are you, Ayanami Rei? According to the records stored in the
local computer, you simply do NOT exist in this universe. In several
others, yes, but not in this one."
Jyoserin-Naru moved on Ayanami, who backed into the wall,
frightened by the expression on the other girl's face.
"I dddddon't know wwwwwwhat you mmmean...."
"Oh, I think you do. Of all the aspects within this twisted
scenario, you're the one anachronism to appear.... Now you either tell
me who you really are and what you are doing here, or I'll bring the
wrath of nonexistence down upon you."
Ayanami turned aside for a moment. "Alright.... I'll tell you.
But not here. People can hear us here." Ayanami looked back at
Jyoserin-Naru for a moment, then her eyes fixed on something behind her.
An expression of surprise, mixed in with no expression at all, crossed
her face, forcing Jyoserin to turn. A huge ball of smoke and light had
appeared in the air above the middle of the road, and a figure emerged.
A clown like figure, with red hair and yellow-red clothing.
Jyoserin spun and stood in front of Ayanami as the clown stepped down
onto the road, cackling to himself.
"Well well well, what have we here? Two young girls just brimming
with energy."
Jyoserin gritted her teeth. What the hell else was this reality
breach going to throw up? "Who are you?" She demanded.
"Me?" The clown replied haughtily. "My name is Ronaldite, first
general to Neo Queen Burial. And I am here for your energy...."
And with that, Ronaldite spread out his hands, sending sparks of
electricity, plasma and fire towards Jyoserin and Ayanami....
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who is Ronaldite? (Umm... isn't that already answered? Not entirely,
but it won't advance the plot any. Just give me a reason to spew
bullshit for several paragraphs in the next chapter....). Will Jyoserin
and Ayanami escape his evil plans? (Of course they do. Be a pretty
short chapter if they didn't). Why are the Senshi behaving like a pack
of stupid, psychotic prats? Is this any different to how they normally
act? Who is the mysterious figure within Jyoserin's base, and what does
she have to do with the Reality Breach?
With any luck, none of these questions shall be answered to any
satisfaction in the next chapter. That'd mean there'd be nothing left
for chapter 3..... Oh well.
PREVIEW OF CHAPTER 2
Jyoserin and Ayanami slowly walked down the darkened time passage.
For some reason, there seemed to be a distinctive pattern to the walls
of the tunnel, like bone. Jyoserin shivered... Even with the worst
nightmares of creation at her disposal, she still felt chill at the
thought of being so close to something that resembled life. Ayanami,
for her part, didn't say anything or look like she felt anything. Well,
that was pretty much par for the course.
"How much farther do we have to go?" Jyoserin stared at Ayanami.
The girl looked aside at her.
"Not far now." She pointed ahead. "You can see the exit."
Surely enough, there appeared a light at the end of the tunnel.
Suddenly, Ayanami grabbed Jyoserin and threw the both of them against
the wall.
"What the fuck?" Was all Jyoserin could get out as a large
freight train went roaring past.... The two of them watched as each
carriage rumbled through with great speed, then relaxed as the last went
through.... "Hmm.... The light at the end of the tunnel WAS the train
coming the other way..." Jyoserin mumbled.
"That was not possible." Ayanami said flatly, now having let go
of Jyoserin and brushing herself down.
"Yes, well, I should have thought that was pretty obvious."
Jyoserin moved about as far from the wall as was possible. The bit she
had been pushed against had a formation that looked suspiciously like a
grinning skull.
"No. I mean look...." Ayanami pointed down the tunnel. There,
in the light of the exit, stood a figure. She looked a tad old to be
wearing the senshi sailorfuku, but in this reality everyone seemed to be
exactly ten years behind in their intellectual development. The woman
had long dark green hair and carried a staff.
"That's Meiou Setsuna...." Jyoserin scratched her head. She went
over the stats of those caught in the reality breach. Meiou Setsuna, a
university student, majoring in History, Classics and Temporal
Philosophy.... And here she was wearing a sailorfuku, carrying a big
stick, standing at the exit of a time tunnel that shouldn't exist that
lead to a future that shouldn't exist....
"Hai. It is her," Ayanami stepped forward towards the oldest of
the senshi, followed at a distance by Jyoserin. As they came within two
metres of Setsuna, she thrust out her staff in a manner that meant for
them to stop.
"It is I, Pluto, Ayanami Rei, messenger of the Small Lady."
Ayanami stared at Setsuna, who seemed to be in the mood for a staring
contest with the unmistakeable champion. Jyoserin wasn't in the mood
for it.
"Stand aside, Meiou! We must speak with the young Tsukino Usagi!"
"None shall pass!" Setsuna's voice was flat, but threatening.
"What?" Jyoserin looked at Ayanami, who looked back at her and
shrugged.
"None shall pass." Setsuna repeated. She took a step forward.
"Look, we don't have any argument with you, alright? This girl
here was sent by the.... uhh... 'Small Lady', to check up on events in
the past. Surely, as the Guardian of the Time Gate, you can understand
the importance of preserving the flow of time?"
"It is my duty to guard the time gate. None shall pass." Setsuna
set them with a steely glare. Jyoserin was getting pretty pissed off
now.
"Then we shall have to force our way through..."
"Then you shall die." Setsuna was suddenly surrounded by a flare
of energy. "Deddo Sukariimo...." From the top of her staff, a huge
ball of energy flew at the two girls. Ayanami put up her hand, and the
energy shattered against an invisible barrier. She then flung her hand
in a cutting manner towards Setsuna. There was a spray of blood as the
energy fields created by the two dissipated.
Setsuna stared at where her left arm used to connect to her
shoulder, and found nothing more than a bleeding stump. She looked up
at the pair defiantly.
"Alright! I'll 'ave you for that!" Setsuna waved the staff at
them with her remaining arm. They ignored her.
"Get out of our way, Pluto." Ayanami pointed at her. "You have
been defeated." Jyoserin looked from Setsuna to Ayanami, trying to hold
onto some semblence of normality.
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you are. I've wounded you."
Setsuna gave the missing arm a cursory glance. "Its just a
fleshwound."
Ayanami's face twisted. "But I've taken your arm off."
"I've had worse."
"You bloody liar."
"C'mon then. Are you chicken or something?" Setsuna began
prodding them with the staff in an attempt to provoke some reaction.
"Chicken... Chicken..." She succeeded, but this time from Jyoserin.
"Oh, I really don't have time for this." Jyoserin whipped up a
large pull-cord from out of thin air. "Petanko puressu", she said as
she pulled the cord. A large 10 ton weight dropped on top of Setsuna.
Ayanami stared at Jyoserin.
"I thought you said it was important that everything is set to
rights?"
"So?"
"Well, it'd be hard to achieve that with Setsuna dead."
"Oh bugger it. I'll just resurrect her later, after all this is
done with."
"I must say, that's a very cavalier attitude to take."
"So sue me."
Jyoserin and Ayanami moved past the weight, trying not to step in
the mess that leaked out from the small space below it.
"By the way..." Jyoserin asked. "What was that you used against
her? you know, to cut off her arm and all..."
"Ah, just an AT Field. They come in handy at times like this."
As the pair exited the tunnel, the weight moved, and a slightly
squished, but rapidly regenerating figure emerged from underneath.
"Ah, I see. Running away are ya? You COWARDS!" Setsuna said,
shaking half a fist at them. She spent the next ten minutes looking for
the other half....
Next Time on
Sailor Python's FLYING DEAD MOON CIRCUS
If you've bothered to read this far, you should see a specialist.
Please mail all responses, comments, criticisms and abuse to
ayanami@internode.on.net.
DDFA
FLYING DEAD MOON CIRCUS
by DARK DAY FOR ANIME
Chapter 1 - "Lemon Curry" or "Is That A Handful Of Snails In Your Mouth,
Or Are You Just Pleased To Eat Me?"
Warning - This story contains various acts of culinary atrocities.
Well, you've been warned. I mean it, really, truly I do.
This was written to insert as many gratuitous references to Python
sketches into Sailormoon and it just got out of control. What can I
say? I'm havin' a wee problem with ma Goggomobile. That's Gee Oh Gee
Gee Oh....
Disclaimer - Sailormoon is owned by Takeuchi Naoko and Bandai.
Evangelion and the Ayanami Rei character are owned by Gainax (and Anno
Hideaki? Maybe. Maybe not. Will someone just give that man some
Prozac). Illusions to Please Save My Earth are owned by Hiwatari Saki.
I sincerely hope none of them sue me for this as they will find very
little recompense for their actions.
When the Ancients set up their Universal Theme parks, one of the
things they hadn't expected to cause trouble was reality.
Now reality is normally an easy concept to keep under control. It
usually just happens and nobody really thinks about it. Its just when
aspects of reality come loose at the seams that problems raise their
collective heads. And in the case of such breaches, collective is
usually the term best used.
After several of their Universal Theme Parks went up with the
force of a couple of exploding super-supergiant singularities, the
Ancients decided it was time to take measures, and reality, into their
own hands.
Rather than create the various universii and allow them to look
after themselves, Ancients were trained to become Guardians of the
Universal Reality Protocols (GURPs for short). Most tried to shun the
acronym, unsurprisingly.
Now, the Job description for a GURP sounds simplisitc enough. Sit
through the Universal Reality Check Sweeps conducted by the Universe's
Central Computer, and deal with any breaches of reality that pop up.
Unfortunately, as the early GURPs were to find out, dealing with the
breaches were not as easy as they expected.
One of the biggest problems in dealing with Reality Breaches was
the insertion into the timestream of the various universii of their own
selves. To manipulate reality back into a stable stream, there was no
choice but for the GURPs to get their hands dirty. Merely using their
powers to change events ran the risk of upsetting the Universal Program
But, if any of the inhabitants of their universe discovered the true
nature of both the GURP and the Universe to which they were born, the
breach that was already in existence began to feed on itself.
The concept of something OUTSIDE the reality of the Universe was
enough to cause a vacuuming effect on the stability of that reality,
increasing the likelihood that the breach will get out of control.
Often the only way to stop the breach at this point would be to destroy
all those involved in a cataclysm, and the GURPs were loathe to use such
methods. Whilst the beings that existed in the Universii were nothing
more than a construct of the Ancients, they did have a kind of sentience
that could be said, on occasion, to match that of their creators....
And so the business of becoming a GURP became institutionalised
into Ancient society. Universal Universities were set up to educate
potential GURP candidates in their duties. Very few would pass, but
enough to fill up the rapidly expanding number of Universal Theme Parks.
One of those successful candidates was Jyoserin Tepukataya. Well,
successful was something of a loose term for Jyoserin, since she passed
with a B- on her third attempt, but all the same, anything above C was
considered a pass in this game, and most failed to get even as high as
that.
And so, after graduating, she applied for a GURP position, not
really expecting to get one. She'd initially applied to the Universal
University in the hope of achieveing nothing more than a cushy job
within the company's finance department. If there was anything she had
been good at, it was making money, mostly for herself, and mostly
through bribery and corruption.
So it came as something of a surprise to her when she was posted
to one of the newly-developed universes. And a patently boring one at
that. Universe JTN 025L, operated by Central Computer Kam Kam 25. Even
before she took up her position, she just knew she'd hate the CC. Kam
Kam models were known for their eccentric behaviour.
If there was one aspect to GURP duties that Jyoserin REALLY hated,
it was the long, boring millenia waiting for something to happen. And
up to this point, nothing had. She'd existed through twelve sweeps
without a single crack in reality being found (give or take the little
glitches that normally occur, such as cursed springs and the like). And
so, she spent most of this voluminous spare time tormenting lower life
forms.
Well, it was amusing to begin with. Using the existing program of
the universe to instill a little religious, racial and political
intolerance and guilt in the weak-minded and gullible gave her endless
millenia of joy. But it soon became a bore after the five-millionth act
of genocide caused by yet another tin-pot dictator, and as the Universe
ended its twentieth cycle and began another, she'd decided to go into
hibernation....
Jyoserin sat cross-legged and silent in front of a glowing sphere.
Gently, it ticked away. It had been doing this for something close to
an eternity, give ot take lunch breaks, but for some reason it had
started to sound a tad more earnest. Well, about as earnest as a sphere
of light that ticked could sound.
Then it let out a shrill ringing, the image of a pair of alarm
bells being struck appearing within, and Jyoserin was shaken into
wakefulness. Very reluctantly. She snorted and coughed and wiped drool
from the side of her mouth, cursing whatever it was that bothered her.
Her attention slowly becoming focused, she saw the bells within the
sphere of light ringing. In anger she brought her fist down on the
sphere, which shattered into nothingness.
"Bluddie cheap alarms". She thought. "Couldn't ya have waited
another five minutes?" Jyoserin stood, almost floating in the darkness
that surrounded her, and stared upwards. She yawned and scratched her
head. She'd chosen the humanoid form as it roughly equivalated the
appearance of the majority of intelligent lifeforms within the universe
she worked. That didn't mean she had to like it, but it would get her
round without being noticed by too many of the inhabitants when they
came a knocking on her door. Not that many ever did. It was an
interesting distraction, however, and she'd planted signs all over the
neighbouring systems pointing to her little residence, which was roughly
the size of a small megapolis.
"Kam-Kam.... Are you awake?"
"Of course I'm awake. What else did you think I'd be?"
Jyoserin winced. Oh well, looks like he's in a better mood than I
am, she thought to herself. Darkly, she contemplated what effect a
processor refit would have.
"Well, you know... Its kinda been a long time since we last
spo...."
"Yes yes yes, I know its been a long time. Hell, I was awake
through every single moment of it. After all, I may be a computer but I
do have a least some level of sentience..."
"Very well... I..."
"I mean, the least you could have done was set that alarm a little
softer. I've made a hell of a mess in the thermo conductor units cos of
that. I was only doing a spot check on it, the five-millionth such spot
check in the time you decided to go sleepy-byes. I wasn't effing well
expecting you to wake up, was I? I mean, you could have told me what
the bloody hell your intentions were... I mean, yes, I do run the
sweeps, and when they find a reality breach the alarm goes off, but I'd
waited so long for something to happen that I thought it best to do
something else. Its certainly not like you've ever given me any
entertainment to wile away the hours...."
"Ahem... Can..."
"And here I was, sitting for all this time, logging and recording
events from around the universe, which was interesting at first but
rapidly became as boring as an episode of Voyager, whilst you were off
in dreamland. I had to sit here and keep everything going. Does the
computer get any rest, oooohhhh nooooo! No, whilst you have all the
fun, I am bored to ratshit. I mean, did you know that the sum total of
all knowledge exists within my databanks, eh? You know what that means?
There is nothing more to learn! And here I am, sitting here watching a
stack of predictable bullshit, not able to talk to anyone with anything
resembling an intelligent response, whilst you were off kippin' away for
fuck knows 'ow many years...."
"Kam-Kam...."
"And on top of that I've developed rot in the hard drives...."
"Kam-Kam...."
"I'm stickin on heaps of antifuckingfungals and the bloody problem
doesn't get any better...."
"Shutup...."
"And not long after that, those drums of gearing oil you got on
special started to coagulate within the timing machanisms of my internal
clock. Time began to slow down for me. Do you know what it is like
having to wait for an eternuty to pass in slow motion? No, I don't
suppose you do, you were sleeping through it all, weren't you..."
"Shutup..."
"And then we had another infestation in the storehouse of Gurmbal
Rats. The little bastards had porked their way through at least half
the rations before I was able to scrag them with the ratsac. And cheap
fucking ratsac it was too, bought from the same fucking discount store
you got the gearing oil from...."
"Will you shutup..."
"And then when I try to talk to people out there, actually attempt
an intelligent conversation, you know, friendly like, they don't listen
to me. Just spout on bullshit about a galactic brotherhood and how nice
it is to know that there is life in the universe. I mean, I friggin'
well know there is life in the universe. Why tell me. I know
everything, fer Klepps fuckin' sake....."
"Will...You...Shutup!"
"And so I told one of them, one of these so-called 'intelligent'
races about my problems, about the hard-drives and the oil and the rats
and about not being able to talk to anyone and how I knew everything and
all that, and the bastards go and commit mass-suicide, I mean, I was
only trying to be friendly and all..."
"Shutup! Will you shutup!?!"
"And then there were all the Mormons that would come knocking on
the door, asking if I was interested in joining their church. I didn't
have the heart to tell the poor sods that I created the concept of
religion in the first place because I thought it might be good for a
laugh, so I told them that I wasn't interested and set the Smugul onto
them. I was cleaning up bits of bodies from all over the side of the
station for years after that..."
"Oh Klepp, will you please shutup!"
"And did you know we're about three million years overdue in our
electricity bill? I mean, you could at least have allowed me to get
control of the account so I could have payed it off. But noooo, you
only ever want to keep control of such things. You're terrified of the
computer having control over anything. I mean, I know I purchased the
complete set of the Encyclopdia Galactica the last time I had control
but honestly I won't do it again. I just wanted to fob off the salesman
somehow, and you know they never send people small enough to get eaten
by the Smugul. I had to think of something really fast...."
"KAM-KAM! GIVE ME A STATUS REPORT ON ALL THE IMPORTANT EVENTS
SINCE I BEGAN MY HIBERNATION!!! CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME? PLEASE?
PRETTY PLEASE?"
The computer sulked. "Aww... Now you're just picking on me."
"Just do it, fer Klepp's sake."
"Can you define important?"
"What do you mean?" Jyoserin croaked in exasperation.
"I mean important, as in galaxies being blown to crappers, or
important as in the little wriggly things that populate the universe. I
mean, there is a scale of importance out there, you know. Klepp
almighty, just take a look out the windows to the west, now there's
something important. That supergiant black hole is about to go kablooey
cos its event horizon is getting sucked in with everything else.
That'll be fun to watch when it goes. Course.... it'll be another
three billion years yet, but I can wait. Hell, waiting is all I seem to
be able to do around here...."
"You KNOW what I mean about important. Just gimme da facts, man!"
Jyoserin sighed. She knew it had been a bad idea to use the O9 System
on the Kam-Kam series.
"Oh, I suppose I must." Kam-Kam sniffed with contempt. "There's
been a few breaches in the reality protocols since the last sensor
sweep."
"When and where?"
"The first occured in the LN50 galaxial system, a stable
supergiant black hole structure in the Third Sector. The problem
cleared itself...."
"Revise the instructions.... Are there any breaches of reality
protocol that have NOT cleared themselves?"
"Ah..." Kam-Kam gave an audible sigh. Well, that's what it
sounded like to Jyoserin, anyway. She wondered how it was possible for
a computer, even with a level of intelligence and self-awareness, to
develop the kind of emotions that would lead them to sighing. "So you
want me to tell you if there are any occurrences of the reality protocol
breaches NOT clearing themselves, do you?"
Now it was her turn to sigh. "Yes, that is what I said. Were the
instructions less than clear or something?"
"Well, you do seem to spend a lot of your time ordering me around.
Its not really fair, I must say. I mean, here I am, having worked my
butt off for all eternity and still you won't give me a moment's
rest...."
"JUST ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION, DAMMIT!"
Kam-Kam gave a contemptuous sniff. "Oh very well, yes, there is
one occasion where the breach has not cleared itself."
"And where might this be then?"
"A little world, in the galaxy known as Mutter's Spiral. The
galactic name given to it is Telluria, but its local inhabitants tend to
refer it variously as the planet Earth."
Jyoserin mentally chewed on this piece of information (at least,
Kam Kam thought he could hear munching sounds). "That's the JS42
galaxy, is it not?"
"Indeed."
"That's something of a fringe system.... Its pretty rare for
conditions that lead to a breach to occur out there. Even more for the
conditions to persist."
"Should we tell them to see a doctor?"
Jyoserin ignored the remark. "Give me a visual on the location
and those involved."
A large image screen flashed up in front of Jyoserin's face. Kam-
Kam began a commentary on what was being shown. The first was the image
of a planet. "This is the planet Telluria. Its equatorial diameter in
12, 756 mellus, has a gravitational balance of 0.88 kerlan and orbits a
Gold4 class star. It has one large natural satellite of planetary
dimensions."
"Show me the epicentre of the breach." Jyoserin bit her lip as
the image of the planet enlarged to an island archipelago off the
eastern tip of the world's largest continental structure.
"The TE12 island group." Said Kam-Kam flatly. "A heavily
populated group of islands surrounded by an ocean of highly acidised
water. The population of the local dominant species is approximately
121 million."
"Well, we can't just sneak in then." Jyoserin rubbed her chin as
the image zoomed in even further onto what was obviously a mega-
population centre, a city, so to speak. Although the dwellings and
infrastructure were primitive, it showed signs of rapid formulative
change.... "These locals must have developed fairly quickly over the
last few medeks...."
"From the information I've been able to gather, their
technological developments have come in something of a rush. Although
their race has only been in true existence for approximately 4 million
medeks, their higher-brain development has come of age in the last
300..."
"Whaaaaaaat?" Jyoserin's jaw hit the floor, which Kam-Kam found
rather amusing. His Mistress's physical capacity for literal body
movement was enough for her to enter the Galactic Book of Records
several times in various categories. After she had retrived her jaw
from the floor, she continued.... "This can't be real! No race evolves
that far that fast. Its impossible! Even the Drc'Thet took three-
thousand medeks to achieve this level of development, and they burnt
themselves out...."
"Should I prepare the chamber for your intervention?" Asked Kam
Kam flatly. Jyoserin turned to a large cylindrical chamber, which was
illuminated at that moment. The chamber was created for the purpose of
taking the intellect of the GURP and inserting that intellect into the
mind of one of the Universe's inhabitants, using the powers invested
within the Ancients. Jyoserin considered her next move for a few
moments.
"Very well. We can't have this continuing. This rapid
development is obviously a by-product of the protocol breach...."
"Uh, ma'am...."
"Yes? What is it?"
"The breach has only been in existence for about five medeks
now...."
Jyoserin frowned.... "Five medeks...." She rubbed her chin a
moment. "Perhaps the rapid development caused the breach in the first
place...." She thought a bit longer. Kam-Kam disturbed her thoughts.
"Perhaps its a fluke. I mean, like the OPK incident. Nothing
more than a couple of potentiality streams accidentally crossing each
other...."
"Yes, and we know what happened then, don't we? Why the hell
anyone thought the smokeless ashtray was going to sell, I have NO
idea...."
"So, how do you intend to plan for this foray?"
Jyoserin thought about this for a few moments. "Give me a rundown
on the individuals involved in this incident, their personal histories
and what part they played..."
"Yes ma'am."
"And give me their current locations...."
It was not long after Rei had been diagnosed with a serious
impulse control disorder that the sailor senshi found themselves sitting
in Rei's bedroom at the Hikawa shrine, chatting away and generally doing
the kinds of things they tended to do before they had to fight for their
lives. For some reason, Minako had taken to pacing backwards and
forwards outside the doorway to the bedroom, softly singing to herself
about having a lovely bunch of coconuts. The others put this behaviour
down to the fact that she was blond and had spent a short period of time
in England.
"Hey, hey, did you meet that new girl in school today?" Usagi
leaned over the small table in an almost conspiratorial tone. Makoto
and Rei did the same so they could hear what she was saying. Ami simply
sat back, reading a book on the sex life of snails, trying desperately
to find some trace of her family history. "She was pretty strange.
Just standing and staring half the time, never saying anything." Usagi
continued.
"Why was she transferred to our school, anyway?" Makoto asked.
"She doesn't try to fit in with anyone.... Maybe she's... You
know...." Makoto pointed to her head.
"What? Mental?" Rei blurted out. Makoto and Usagi both clamped
a hand over her mouth. Then Makoto turned to Usagi.
"Why are we whispering this, anyway? She's not likely to hear
us."
"Yes, but you never know with these people, she might be hiding
just around the corner." Usagi and Makoto took their hands off Rei's
mouth. Rei turned to Makoto.
"What makes you think she's a screwhead, anyway?"
"Its all those bandages she keeps in her bag.... Covered in blood
and all...." Makoto shivered. Rei looked nonplussed.
"Bandages? Maybe she'd had an accident or something..."
"No, its more than that.... Its the way she plays with them that
gives me the creeps." Now both Usagi and Makoto started to shiver in
unison. Rei looked at the both of them and turned on the heater.
"Thanks." Said Makoto. Just at that moment there was a knock on
the side of the open doorway. Makoto turned to see a deliveryman
standing there. She got up and walked over to him.
"Yes?"
"Is this the Hikawa Shrine, 45a The Crescent, Fairmont Estate?"
"Yes, why?"
"Did you order a swamp thing with the lot?"
Makoto turned back to Usagi. "You're not ordering from
experimental food joints again, are you?"
"Th...th...th...these people are involved in this kind of
charade!?!?!?!" Jyoserin stared at the information as it scrolled over
the 3D display. "An ancient kingdom that once existed on the planet's
satellite, based on magic and love? What is this bullshit?"
"Don't ask me. Its not in my records. And everything exists in
my records."
"Yes, yes, yes, we know you're a smartarse, okay?" Jyoserin sat
back in her chair and suddenly remembered she didn't have one. After
picking herself up, rubbing her sore backside, she continued to
contemplate the scrolling information whilst trying to conjure up a
chair.
"The planet's satellite has been incapable of supporting any form
of life throughout its history. It has no atmosphere, no water, no
significant radiation belts, no sign of any of the basic building blocks
of life whatsoever...."
"Perhaps this so-called kingdom was set up by an alien race that
settled on the moon.... They could have based a small city-like station
there to watch over the planet below."
"And they're all suddenly reincarnated on the world below as the
local form of intelligent wildlife, currently enjoying the fruits of
this world's wonderful education system and getting all angsty over
memories of their past lives. Yeah right, I can see that happening."
"Actually, that did happen once, but nothing on the scale
suggested." An image of an abandoned space station appeared on the
display. Jyoserin stared at the image and scratched her head.
"Hmm... anyway, this is far too small to have anything to do with
this 'Moon Kingdom' legend."
Kam-Kam shrugged. Not that a computer can shrug, but it at least
attempted the task. This was mildly disconcerting for Jyoserin....
She'd never seen a computer attempt to shrug. Her expression said so.
"What can I say?" Kam-Kam replied to her expression. "I'm having
a wee problem with ma Goggomobile."
"Your what?"
"Never mind." There were times, Kam Kam thought to himself, when
his mistress lacked the mental capacity to grasp obscure humour.
(Jyoserin never had the heart to tell him that it was the same for
everyone else).
Jyoserin sighed and the displays disappeared. "I'm going to try
to possess one of them to influence the situation. Is the chamber
warmed up?"
"Yes ma'am." Kam-Kam seemed to hesitate for a moment as Jyoserin
was preparing to leave. "Umm.... ma'am..."
"Yes?"
"Who are you going to possess?"
"I'm keeping my options open."
"But you'll only be able to transfer yourself a limited number of
times before you have to return and recharge...."
"I know that. I'll have this worked out within a perimedek....
What can go wrong from here?" And with that, Jyoserin vanished,
reappearing in the possession chamber. Kam-Kam muttered to himself.
"Alright, Kam Kam, I'm choosing a subject now. You may switch on when
ready."
For a few moments, the chamber glowed, Jyoserin winking in and out
of existence, finally vanishing as the glowing reached a peak and a
rushing sound reached a crescendo. Kam Kam twiddled his thumbs,
wondering what to do next. He suddenly realised he didn't have any
thumbs, and stopped.
"Is she gone?" Asked a soft voice. Kam Kam's attention moved to
the small figure, now standing in the shadows.
"Yes, ma'am. However, it is only a matter of time before she
finds you."
The figure chuckled. "I most certainly hope so. I hate to think
that I've gone to this extent for her to fail such a simple task...."
Back at the Hikawa Shrine, the girls continued to sit around the
table, sighing. Makoto stared into the corner of the room, where the
swamp thing sat happily, not even showing any signs of moving. It just
watched them with what Makoto feared to be a somewhat hungry gleam in
its eye. Rei rapidly became bored with the situation, and decided to
perform mildly amusing acts of violence upon Ami, who had been feeding
her family of snails, referring to each by name and, most worryingly,
referring to one particular pair as "Mom and Dad". Minako continued to
pace outside the doorway, now crooning the greatest hits of Glenn
Miller. Considering there were often very few words to Glenn Miller's
repertoire, this proved to be very short and repetetive.
"What the bloody hell are we gonna do with that thing?" Makoto
thumbed the swamp thing. Usagi took another mouthful of Ami's snails,
crunching and drooling spit and slime down the front of her clothes and
across Makoto as she replied.
"B'gdifino.... J'sthtwouldbenicetaodarfromthasall...." Makoto
would proceed to spend some large portion of the rest of her life trying
to translate these words. As Usagi swallowed the slimy mess she wiped
her chin with the tablecloth. "You should really try them, Makoto, they
make great soft-centres."
"I don't think so somehow. Raw snail has never been high on my
list of favourite dishes."
"Aww, you're just mad cos I ordered the swamp thing and ya don't
wanna eat it."
"I'd like to see you try." Makoto growled. For some strange
reason she was feeling a bit agro today. She spun towards Rei, who had
Ami in a double overhead half nelson. "Will you STOP that fer
Chrissakes! Its really beginning to bug me!"
Rei huffed and let go of Ami, who collapsed onto the floor.
Jyoserin's soul flew through billions of light years in a matter
of seconds. She could see her target, within the small hut in the
shrine grounds..... All she had to do was to get the targeting
right.....
Ami looked up at Usagi, tears in her eyes from the pain of what
Rei had just afflicted upon her. Suddenly she froze.... Seeing her
beloved snail collection being ravaged by the mouth on legs herself. As
Usagi reached down to take the last specimen, Ami grabbed the container
where she had kept them
"Not Archibald! You're not going to have Archibald too!" Ami
gritted her teeth determinedly as she held the container protectively.
Usagi shot her a menacing look.
"I want that snail, Mizuno!"
"No! I'm not going to give him.... er.... her.... whatever.
I'm not going to give it to you! Don't you know this is my cousin,
twice removed?!?!"
"I won't tell you twice, Mizuno. Give me the snail." Usagi
leaned menacingly forward. Makoto was getting really pissed off now,
and she couldn't work out why.
"Will you BOTH just SHUTUP about the FUCKING SNAIL!!!!"
"No! I must eat that snail! It is my destiny as the Moon
Princess to eat that snail!"
"Umm... Excuse me..."
They all turned to the swamp thing, which had suddenly found voice
enough to speak. It recoiled initially from the dangerous looks they
sent. "Umm... er, if you wouldn't mind, I can start being a real swamp
thing now and attempt to maim, kill and eat you. That's if you like, I
mean I really don't have to, I'm quite happy to sit in the corner here
if you want me to and stare into space all day.... Umm.. Okay, I'll
shutup now." The swamp thing retreated to the corner again.
Jyoserin shot through the atmosphere towards the island
archipelago. The big city structure now in her sights. It came closer
and closer... The resolution becoming clearer. Eventually the
district... the suburb... the block... the street... the shrine came
into focus. Her soul plowed through the roof of the hut at an
unbelievable speed, and she felt herself crash into what she hoped was
the body of the one she had chosen to possess.... Slowly, she opened
her eyes. This seemed a little difficult to do for some reason, and she
swung the eyes upwards. There was a large face bearing down upon her,
and she felt a few moments of fear. The face came into focus....
Mizuno Ami!?!?!?! Jyoserin was shocked.... Mizuno had been her
target! then if she had missed Mizuno.... who the hell was she in?
"NO! I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU ARCHIBALD!" Ami's incredibly
loud voice bellowed. Jyoserin swivelled around to look at the others.
"THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE MIZUNO! I WON'T TELL YOU AGAIN. GIVE
ME THE SNAIL!!!" Jyoserin could see Usagi's angry face bearing down on
both herself and Ami....
Oh fuck, Jyoserin thought.... I'm in the snail....
Usagi converged on Ami, putting out her hands like crooked claws.
Ami backed away, holding the container even more protectively. Makoto
had had enough. "WILL THE BOTH OF YOU FUCKING IDIOTS JUST STOP FUCKING
AROUND! I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THIS BULLSHIT!!!!" And just to
prove her point, Makoto smashed her fists through the table. This
caught the attention of Usagi, Ami and Rei pretty quickly. Usagi fell
back towards the rear wall. The shock of what Makoto had done worked
like a spike through Usagi's sense of reality.
"Wh... Wh... What am I doing?" She looked at her shirt for a
moment, and suddenly became very ill. "I.... I just ate...." Usagi
put her hands over her mouth and turned around. Makoto gritted her
teeth and snarled.
"What are ya gonna do, Tsukino? Throw up all over Rei's nice
floor?"
"It's alright, you know, Mako-chan. I throw up over it all the
time. Ya know, parties and things.... See all the patches" Rei
pointed to little dark spots all over the floor. Ami stared at the
spots.
"You said that was rain damage." Rei looked up at Ami and
shrugged.
Makoto clenched her fists and stood, unable to withstand the
company of others a moment longer. "I've had enough. I'm outta here!"
And with that, Makoto stormed off through the doorway, almost bowling
over Minako, who had graduated from Glenn Miller to Irving Berlin. As
she strode towards the front gate, she put a hand to her forehead. Why
am I so angry, she thought to herself. Things seemed to be strange all
around.... Nothing seemed to be going right for her lately. Everyone
was giving her a hard time, picking on her, making fun of her....
She felt rage again, and continued with renewed vigour,
momentarily bowled over crossing the street outside by a creature on a
spring that shouted "Time for Bed"....
Rei and Ami watched Makoto go. Rei turned to Ami for a moment.
"What's gotten into her?" Ami shrugged at Rei's question. Suddenly,
there was a large crashing and splintering sound, and Rei was knocked
over Ami by a figure with a large can-opener which had smashed its way
through the wall. The container with Ami's snail went flying across the
room, and both it and the snail were skewered by the point of the can-
opener. Ami stared at this and broke out in tears as the figure stood
tall above both Rei and herself.
"DINSDALE!" The figure shouted. Rei looked up for a moment, her
eyes wide open in surprise.
"Ho.... Hotaru? What are you doing here?"
"DINSDALE!!!!" Hotaru's voice became much more menacing, staring
down at Ami and Rei with a psychotic gleam. Then she leapt through the
opposite wall, her footsteps disappearing across the Shrine's courtyard.
Rei stood a little groggily, rubbing her head. And they think I'm
the one with the problem, she thought to herself, and stared over at
Usagi, who had proceeded to coat one entire wall with snail paste. The
sight made her feel just a tad nauseous herself. Ami had crawled over
to the remains of her beloved Archibald, picking up the snail tenderly,
tears streaming from her eyes.
"My Archibald. My dear dear Archibald." Ami shook her head
sadly. "Oh well, waste not want not." And with that she swallowed the
snail, shell and all. Rei watched disgustedly as she smacked her lips a
few times. "Hmm..." Said Ami. "Needs salt."
It had been a rather painful way to leave a body, but being split
in half by a giant can-opener rather brought the story of the snail to a
very rapid end.
Jyoserin's soul flew away from the shrine. It had been more an
autonomic response that anything else... No real thought as to where
she was going to plant herself next... She just didn't want to feel the
pain of being in two halves for much longer, and who could blame her?
Her old man could, that's who!
Her father always said she'd be a total disaster as a GURP. Right
now, parentally-induced guilt was beginning to weigh her down.... She
needed to find another body quickly before things really began to get
out of hand.
It was no use trying to go back to the guest house. Whatever had
been causing the reality breach had created waves of chi around the
girls there. What she needed to find now was someone who was relatively
close to the others, but whose life was still vaguely normal. Almost
automatically, her soul was shot towards its new destination, and before
she had time to think, found herself slamming into the body of
another....
"Are you alright?" Umino stared at Naru as she hiccoughed for a
moment. Naru put her drink down and nodded to him, sitting across the
table within the coffee shop.
"Sorry, just a slight turn."
"Don't worry. I get them all the time." The emotionless voice
from the girl sitting next to Naru intoned. Umino and Naru looked at
her for a moment.
"Really, Ayanami-san?" Umino stated. "How long have you had this
problem?"
"I'm not really sure." She continued in her monotone. Then she
noticed Naru staring at her and turned to face her. "Nani?"
"Your hair is blue." Naru blinked a couple of times. Umino
looked from Ayanami to Naru.
"Uh.... Yeah. I think that's rather obvious, Naru-chan."
"Actually, its technically cyan. Or teal. Depends on your point
of view." The sentence was the longest the pair had ever heard Ayanami
express. For some reason they thought it would be the last time they'd
ever hear one like it. Ayanami stared at Naru, who stared ar her.
Ten minutes later, they were still staring.
Twenty minutes later, they were still staring.
Thirty minutes later, Naru decided that Ayanami wasn't likely to
ask her why she was staring, and stopped, using eyedrops to resurrect
her dehydrated eyeballs. Well, she thought, if I ever need someone to
use in a staring contest against a fish, I'll know who to ask....
"Um.... Sorry about that. It just occurred to me. you know,
about the hair."
"I see." Ayanami turned and downed the last of her now cold
coffee and stood, picking up her schoolbag. "I must be getting home. I
shall see you tomorrow."
"Wait, I'll walk with you." Naru stood. Ayanami shrugged.
"Be my guest. But what about...." Ayanami turned to Umino, who
had nodded off during their staring contest. "I guess that settles
that." Naru grabbed her schoolbag and the two girls wandered out of the
cafe.
Umino was asleep for only a couple of minutes more, when he was
woken by a girl with a large can-opener, smashing through the cafe
window and jumping onto his table.
"DINSDALE!" Was all she got out as Umino was knocked back by the
can-opener's handle during her next leap... Across the counter, bowling
over the girls who were serving there, through the doors into the
kitchen, and onwards to a chorus of smashing pots, pans and concrete.
Back at the guest house, Ami held Usagi's head in her lap. Usagi
still looked distinctly queasy, even after emptying the contents of her
stomach. Rei had grabbed a cloth and a bucket in an effort to clean off
the mess, only to find the swamp thing had absorbed it all by osmosis.
Well, she thought, they had to be good for something. Rei sat down
forlornly by the broken table.
"That was all pretty weird, y'know, everyone losing their thread
like that."
".sguls neeb evah dluoc yeht ,esrow neeb evah dluoc tI" Ami said,
stroking Usagi's hair for a moment.
Rei stared at her for a moment. "What did you say?"
Ami looked up at her. "?tahW ......dias I ....mmU" Ami put her
hand to her mouth. "!sdrawkcab tuo gnimoc era senil ym llA"
"That's what I thought you said....." Rei shook her head. There
were a few pills in the medicine cabinet she'd personally liked to have
been consuming right now.... But in all likelihood, her Grandfather
would have probably got to them first, the geriatric little addict....
"Oh God! Oh God!" Rei and Ami turned to the voice that arrived
from the doorway.
"Ce.... CereCere? What are YOU doing here?" Rei turned and
stood as the asteroid senshi fell to her knees, puffing heavily. "And
anyway, how did you get here? I thought you and the others were...."
Rei raised an eyebrow in confusion. The last time she and the asteroid
senshi had met, the girl had not been entirely in her right mind. Rei
watched her suspiciously.
"Oh god oh god oh god, its horrible...." CereCere clutched her
chest in pain. Rei sighed and walked over to the strange, red-headed
girl and put a hand on her shoulder.
"What is? What's happened?"
"Its too horrible to talk about.... The very sight of it...."
CereCere burst into tears. Rei did her best to comfort her.
"You can tell me.... We're both senshi. Maybe we can help...."
CereCere almost choked on her words. "I've just seen Independence
Day.... Oh God, its so horrible, I don't know if I'll ever recover."
After Rei, Ami and the swamp thing picked themselves up from the
floor, CereCere put a finger in the air, her expression changing to a
rather more positive tone. "Aha, I remember what I'm here for now. Its
even more horrible than that."
"?si tahW" Ami asked.
"Yeah, What is?" Repeated Rei.
"Its ParaPara..... She's forgotten to take her medication this
morning...."
Suddenly, from nowhere, lightning flashed, thunder rumbled, the
earth was torn asunder.... The land was visited upon by tsunamis and
typhoons. There was flood, and famine, and pestilence and death....
Minako spun around. "And on the satellite picture, we have a broad band
of clouds which is currently to the east of Honshu...."
Rei pitched the swamp thing at Minako. "I think the next song in
the Beatles collection is 'Ticket to Ride'. Get on with it, blondie!"
The walk had been a long and silent one. Naru peered aside
occasionally at the new girl. Ayanami's face was a mask of sheer, gut
wrenchingly determined boredom. Eventually, Naru could take no more.
There was something she had to ask her. It was imperitive that she be
asked. Naru grabbed Ayanami's shoulder before they crossed the main
road leading to her house. "Ayanami-san!" Ayanami stared at her in
surprise. "You don't mind if I call you Ayanami-san? It does seem a
little formal. How about just Ayanami?"
"Uh... Fine, fine."
"Yes, Ayanami. A little less formal. I like to get an easy
rapport with people, you know. Formality really gets in the way with
things." Naru breathed a little easier. "Now, Rei, I... You don't
mind if I call you Rei?"
"No... No, everyone calls me Rei."
"Yes. Its so much easier.... Less formal. um, now Aya-chan...."
"I'm sorry..."
"What?"
"I don't like being called 'Aya-chan'."
"Hmm?"
"I don't like being called 'Aya-chan'. Its that simple."
"Did I really call you Aya-chan?"
"Yes you did. It was very demeaning. I don't like it."
For some reason, Naru was feeling annoyed with herself, as if this
whole train of conversation was getting in the way of something....
Suddenly she remembered.
"Who.... Who are you?"
Rei stared at Naru. Naru gritted her teeth. "I'm not going to
start another staring contest. I know you're not supposed to be part of
this scenario. You're an anachronism."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean... I mean..." For a moment, Naru wondered what she
meant. Then suddenly, Naru's face hardened. "I'm the Guardian of the
Universal Reality Protocols."
"Oh? Would you like to read our meter? Its a Keats...."
"My name in Jyoserin Tepukataya."
"Well, I'm very sorry for you."
Jyoserin.... She now remembered who she was.... It had taken a
while to suppress the Naru-personality.... Jyoserin became annoyed with
this Ayanami girl's flat tone.
"Who are you, Ayanami Rei? According to the records stored in the
local computer, you simply do NOT exist in this universe. In several
others, yes, but not in this one."
Jyoserin-Naru moved on Ayanami, who backed into the wall,
frightened by the expression on the other girl's face.
"I dddddon't know wwwwwwhat you mmmean...."
"Oh, I think you do. Of all the aspects within this twisted
scenario, you're the one anachronism to appear.... Now you either tell
me who you really are and what you are doing here, or I'll bring the
wrath of nonexistence down upon you."
Ayanami turned aside for a moment. "Alright.... I'll tell you.
But not here. People can hear us here." Ayanami looked back at
Jyoserin-Naru for a moment, then her eyes fixed on something behind her.
An expression of surprise, mixed in with no expression at all, crossed
her face, forcing Jyoserin to turn. A huge ball of smoke and light had
appeared in the air above the middle of the road, and a figure emerged.
A clown like figure, with red hair and yellow-red clothing.
Jyoserin spun and stood in front of Ayanami as the clown stepped down
onto the road, cackling to himself.
"Well well well, what have we here? Two young girls just brimming
with energy."
Jyoserin gritted her teeth. What the hell else was this reality
breach going to throw up? "Who are you?" She demanded.
"Me?" The clown replied haughtily. "My name is Ronaldite, first
general to Neo Queen Burial. And I am here for your energy...."
And with that, Ronaldite spread out his hands, sending sparks of
electricity, plasma and fire towards Jyoserin and Ayanami....
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who is Ronaldite? (Umm... isn't that already answered? Not entirely,
but it won't advance the plot any. Just give me a reason to spew
bullshit for several paragraphs in the next chapter....). Will Jyoserin
and Ayanami escape his evil plans? (Of course they do. Be a pretty
short chapter if they didn't). Why are the Senshi behaving like a pack
of stupid, psychotic prats? Is this any different to how they normally
act? Who is the mysterious figure within Jyoserin's base, and what does
she have to do with the Reality Breach?
With any luck, none of these questions shall be answered to any
satisfaction in the next chapter. That'd mean there'd be nothing left
for chapter 3..... Oh well.
PREVIEW OF CHAPTER 2
Jyoserin and Ayanami slowly walked down the darkened time passage.
For some reason, there seemed to be a distinctive pattern to the walls
of the tunnel, like bone. Jyoserin shivered... Even with the worst
nightmares of creation at her disposal, she still felt chill at the
thought of being so close to something that resembled life. Ayanami,
for her part, didn't say anything or look like she felt anything. Well,
that was pretty much par for the course.
"How much farther do we have to go?" Jyoserin stared at Ayanami.
The girl looked aside at her.
"Not far now." She pointed ahead. "You can see the exit."
Surely enough, there appeared a light at the end of the tunnel.
Suddenly, Ayanami grabbed Jyoserin and threw the both of them against
the wall.
"What the fuck?" Was all Jyoserin could get out as a large
freight train went roaring past.... The two of them watched as each
carriage rumbled through with great speed, then relaxed as the last went
through.... "Hmm.... The light at the end of the tunnel WAS the train
coming the other way..." Jyoserin mumbled.
"That was not possible." Ayanami said flatly, now having let go
of Jyoserin and brushing herself down.
"Yes, well, I should have thought that was pretty obvious."
Jyoserin moved about as far from the wall as was possible. The bit she
had been pushed against had a formation that looked suspiciously like a
grinning skull.
"No. I mean look...." Ayanami pointed down the tunnel. There,
in the light of the exit, stood a figure. She looked a tad old to be
wearing the senshi sailorfuku, but in this reality everyone seemed to be
exactly ten years behind in their intellectual development. The woman
had long dark green hair and carried a staff.
"That's Meiou Setsuna...." Jyoserin scratched her head. She went
over the stats of those caught in the reality breach. Meiou Setsuna, a
university student, majoring in History, Classics and Temporal
Philosophy.... And here she was wearing a sailorfuku, carrying a big
stick, standing at the exit of a time tunnel that shouldn't exist that
lead to a future that shouldn't exist....
"Hai. It is her," Ayanami stepped forward towards the oldest of
the senshi, followed at a distance by Jyoserin. As they came within two
metres of Setsuna, she thrust out her staff in a manner that meant for
them to stop.
"It is I, Pluto, Ayanami Rei, messenger of the Small Lady."
Ayanami stared at Setsuna, who seemed to be in the mood for a staring
contest with the unmistakeable champion. Jyoserin wasn't in the mood
for it.
"Stand aside, Meiou! We must speak with the young Tsukino Usagi!"
"None shall pass!" Setsuna's voice was flat, but threatening.
"What?" Jyoserin looked at Ayanami, who looked back at her and
shrugged.
"None shall pass." Setsuna repeated. She took a step forward.
"Look, we don't have any argument with you, alright? This girl
here was sent by the.... uhh... 'Small Lady', to check up on events in
the past. Surely, as the Guardian of the Time Gate, you can understand
the importance of preserving the flow of time?"
"It is my duty to guard the time gate. None shall pass." Setsuna
set them with a steely glare. Jyoserin was getting pretty pissed off
now.
"Then we shall have to force our way through..."
"Then you shall die." Setsuna was suddenly surrounded by a flare
of energy. "Deddo Sukariimo...." From the top of her staff, a huge
ball of energy flew at the two girls. Ayanami put up her hand, and the
energy shattered against an invisible barrier. She then flung her hand
in a cutting manner towards Setsuna. There was a spray of blood as the
energy fields created by the two dissipated.
Setsuna stared at where her left arm used to connect to her
shoulder, and found nothing more than a bleeding stump. She looked up
at the pair defiantly.
"Alright! I'll 'ave you for that!" Setsuna waved the staff at
them with her remaining arm. They ignored her.
"Get out of our way, Pluto." Ayanami pointed at her. "You have
been defeated." Jyoserin looked from Setsuna to Ayanami, trying to hold
onto some semblence of normality.
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you are. I've wounded you."
Setsuna gave the missing arm a cursory glance. "Its just a
fleshwound."
Ayanami's face twisted. "But I've taken your arm off."
"I've had worse."
"You bloody liar."
"C'mon then. Are you chicken or something?" Setsuna began
prodding them with the staff in an attempt to provoke some reaction.
"Chicken... Chicken..." She succeeded, but this time from Jyoserin.
"Oh, I really don't have time for this." Jyoserin whipped up a
large pull-cord from out of thin air. "Petanko puressu", she said as
she pulled the cord. A large 10 ton weight dropped on top of Setsuna.
Ayanami stared at Jyoserin.
"I thought you said it was important that everything is set to
rights?"
"So?"
"Well, it'd be hard to achieve that with Setsuna dead."
"Oh bugger it. I'll just resurrect her later, after all this is
done with."
"I must say, that's a very cavalier attitude to take."
"So sue me."
Jyoserin and Ayanami moved past the weight, trying not to step in
the mess that leaked out from the small space below it.
"By the way..." Jyoserin asked. "What was that you used against
her? you know, to cut off her arm and all..."
"Ah, just an AT Field. They come in handy at times like this."
As the pair exited the tunnel, the weight moved, and a slightly
squished, but rapidly regenerating figure emerged from underneath.
"Ah, I see. Running away are ya? You COWARDS!" Setsuna said,
shaking half a fist at them. She spent the next ten minutes looking for
the other half....
Next Time on
Sailor Python's FLYING DEAD MOON CIRCUS
If you've bothered to read this far, you should see a specialist.
Please mail all responses, comments, criticisms and abuse to
ayanami@internode.on.net.
DDFA