Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls.
Summary: Because after all, what the hell was he thinking? Why would she stay with him? She had dreams, hopes and a about million different plans. She was going places, and he learned a long time ago that he never would, and that dreams were just fairytales for adults.
A/N: They have both moved on and are just friends now. Right. And that worked out just fine in season 2...Lit. Post 6.18.
-oo-
Chapter 1: Old habits die hard
Speechless.
Confused.
Stupid.
So fucking stupid.
Out of all the adjectives that one was probably the most accurate one to describe how he felt as those damn doors closed and she walked out of the Truncheon books. It was nothing he hasn't done before and it was nothing he hasn't seen her do. That wasn't the shocking part.
What was surprising was the weight on his chest mixed with the unease in his stomach that he identified immediately as a feeling he was certain he smothered years ago. Still as foolish as he was to believe that he certainly wasn't foolish enough to think she felt that way about him, much less about the certain blonde Yale student he had the misfortune of meeting that night at the bar.
I'm in love with him.
Those words echoed in his head yet he didn't feel angry, or upset or any of those things. He felt nothing. He couldn't think, couldn't breathe. All he could do was let those words play in his mind over and over again like an old broken record. And right then he wished for only one thing.
He wished she never walked into his life at all.
And to think that just this morning, only a few short hours ago, he actually considered calling her to check how things were these days (Did she finally fix it all?). He even briefly entertained the thought that he maybe still cared about her more than an old friend probably should. But now that he's actually seen her all he wanted to do was get back to the blissful world of ignorance, he wanted to wonder again. He didn't want to know. But he did. She fixed her life, made peace with Lorelai. She was back to Yale, back to Logan. Everything was right with the world again. But he wasn't. She fixed everything breaking him in the process, for good this time.
-oo-
When she closed those damn doors his first instinct was to run after her and ask her to stay, tell her that he wasn't fine with her leaving, tell her that all she said minutes ago can't be the truth. But his legs just didn't want to listen to him, so instead he remained standing there, a small smile that was plastered over his face as she said her goodbyes before walking away fading instantly as he felt his eyes blur for a second.
I mean how stupid could he be? The girl told him no, not once, but twice and although he was sure once was more than enough here he was again. Standing there, hands in his pockets, feeling like the dumbest person in the world. Not that he was dumb. But when it came to her he always managed to surprise everyone.
Even now as he swore he'd never get in this sort of situation again he found himself hoping those doors would open once again and he would see her blue eyes and hear those magical words I was wrong. Anything was better than this silence. Yes, when it came to her he believed in stupid things, he believed in the impossible. Or maybe he was just really dumb after all?
He must be, to still care about someone who broke his heart so many times he has lost count (and vice versa). Sometimes he couldn't imagine her face without connecting it with heartbreak, with leaving, with hurting. So why couldn't he forget about her?
Probably because forgetting her meant not only forgetting about all the hurt and the heartbreak but also all the good things, all their long phone conversation, philosophical discussions about Hemingway, stolen kisses during the long walks through snow covered Stars Hollow to utter horror of the residents of the small town.
Still that was a long time ago and he didn't blame her for not loving him anymore (if she ever loved him at all) and yet, despite knowing how crazy and irrational it was, he resented her for still having a hold of his heart. He hated her because he couldn't stop loving her. Even if she did tell him no so many times. Just like today when all she left him with was an apology, three words she offered strangers when she ran into them on the street, as if she could just brush this off, like it was nothing.
At that moment he would've much preferred a slap to his face, because he was convinced she knew better than to think she could fix this with short, meaningless words. Then again maybe he should have known better than to kiss her.
-oo-
It took him almost ten minutes (or was it longer?) to realize something he probably knew all along. She wasn't coming back. Not now. Not ever again. And maybe it was better that way. Actually, after today, he was absolutely sure it was.
Because after all, what the hell was he thinking? Why would she stay with him? She had dreams, hopes and a million different plans. She was going places, and he learned a long time ago that he never would, and that dreams were just fairytales for adults.
And now there was only one thing he could do. So Jess picked up his car keys determined to go meet up his friends like he promised before his entire life went to hell. Though he wasn't that kind of guy anymore (and he had her to thank for it), the thought of the nice bottle of whatever strong drink his friends would have on their table waiting for him when he came sounded more tempting with every passing second.
Yeah, he wasn't that kind of a guy anymore. He grew up, and finally realized that he wasn't just a screw up. He wasn't just a high school dropout without a future. No, there were other things now that defined him. And though it took him a few years, and a lot of mistakes to understand that, he could now say that he finally found his place in the world. But when it came to her he tended to feel like that insecure seventeen year old boy he used to be. And he didn't like it. He didn't like it at all. But who asked him?
Never, not in the million years did he plan this day to end the way it did so forgetting it even happened in the first place was high on his list of priorities. It was stupid to think that a few drinks would change anything but it would make that ache in his heart go away for a few hours. And that was more than he could hope for.
Closing the door of his apartment he sighed. Yeah, he wasn't seventeen anymore. But Rory Gilmore still had that effect on him.
Only her.
~lit~
A few months later…
"Mom, you do realize I have to get back to Yale soon? Correction, I should've been there two hours ago!" Rory asked putting on her serious face, almost glad that she had to go back to school, since it also meant getting away from the mountain of the brochures, wedding magazines and crazy planning and her mom and her impossible ideas that seem to get more and more ridiculous.
Though she enjoyed it most of the time because, let's face it, what more can you ask from life than trying on a bunch of beautiful dresses and shoes all day long, she was slowly getting tired of it all. She really needed a break, glad that they had a wedding planner who took care of most of the work and many boring details, and they really didn't need to do anything but her mom insisted to participate in the whole planning process so she agreed to help out of pity.
"Yes but isn't my wedding more important than your collage education and your entire future?" Lorelai asked looking up from her spread out special edition of Vogue about brides.
"I should probably be concerned by that statement of yours but surprisingly enough, I'm not, so I'm just gonna let it slide. Though you just managed to reduce my self-esteem to about a zero by putting some ridiculously expensive event that will cost more than our house did and which you'll probably have to pay off till the rest of your life, in front of your only daughter and her education." Rory said with a sigh. "But since I know I would do the same, I totally support your crazy attitude and I'll stay for one more hour. But that's it. Then I am leaving for real. And no begging or blackmailing will make me stay. Seriously." she explained trying her best to stay as serious as possible.
"Aw you look so adorable when you try to pull of that stern, serious face!"
"I was not…"
"And I didn't actually catch any of that little ramble of yours except for the 'I'll stay' part but thank you very, very much for deciding to do so, kid. I really do appreciate it."
Rory sighed "I'm sure you do, now let's get back to those bridesmaids dresses."
"Right. Well, as I said, you and Sookie should definitely wear those light orange ones. They'll look so adorable on you two." Lorelai said dreamily.
"Here I go repeating myself for the fiftieth time. We are not gonna wear those ridiculous dresses…"
"But they fit perfectly with the theme of the wedding!" Lorelai whined, interrupting her.
"…and you will not have the yellow/orange theme for the wedding unless you are planning to relocate it to Hawaii and make us all wear matching garlands. We'll go with the dark red and possibly white or you'll need a new bridesmaid since I'm not showing up in that crazy orange dress anywhere in public."
"But why not? They're just so cute and I talked to Sookie and she said to me that if I want her to…"
"Um, I wonder about that to," Rory said, pretending she was seriously thinking about it "Maybe because they're ORANGE?" she asked as Lorelai looked at her like she has no idea what she wants to say with that. "Okay, no more coffee for you. But I could really, really use some homemade coffee. These lattes have zero caffeine in them. Is Luke here? Luke!"
"No, hon, he's not here."
"What? Why not? Did you finally manage to scare him off with the whole wedding planning craziness and he decided to move to Alaska and never get married or even come close to any church in the next twenty years or so?"
"Haha, you are such a comedian. But you know what would be even funnier? That I ship you off to Alaska to live in one of those igloo thingies while I enjoy myself with Luke on my Hawaiian honeymoon." she said sarcastically as Rory gave her a look. "And to answer your question, Luke actually went to New York for the weekend. But he'll be back soon."
"New York? Why would he go there only two weeks before his weeding?" she asked as she suddenly remembered the answer to her own question…
"Jess."
"Yep. He wanted to invite him to the wedding but since he doesn't have his new phone number he decided to go to the Big Apple and do it in person." Lorelai explained.
"Oh." was Rory's only response. Her fingers rested on her empty Styrofoam coffee cop, playing with the paper wrapped around it nervously.
"Yeah. I wasn't exactly all over the moon about it either but Luke says he's changed. And you said he's changed, so what else could I do but agreed with the two smartest people I know." Lorelai explained. "Why not invite a guy who crushed his car into a poll and got in trouble more often than I did my manicure, to come and join us on the most important day of my life? My personal feelings aside, he is Luke's family and who am I to meddle into that."
"Exactly, and he has changed." Rory assured her. "Really."
"Anyway, feel free to get yourself some coffee, you know where it stands."
"Actually I really have to go. Logan said he'll call me at the apartment and I almost forgot all about it so I should really…" she rambled, taking her bag and cell phone from the table in a hurry. "But I'll see you this weekend and we'll go through the menu and everything. And tell Kate we are going with the red/white theme. Seriously, I don't want to hear about the orange anymore. Okay? Bye now."
"But, wait you said you'll stay for…" Rory was already out the door, leaving a baffled Lorelai behind to sort out the magazine pages, scrambled by her prompt windswept exit.