Whatever it Takes
One-shot
~Eli~
A strangled smile fell from your face.
It kills me that I hurt you this way.
The worst part is that I didn't even know.
There are tears in your eyes, and I swallow back a lump in my throat, trying to fight the sobbing, because I have no right to break down right now. Everything is collapsing around us now, and it's all my fault.
It's been my fault from the start.
I remember Imogen's words, and I try to understand why I ever believed them. "I was just playing you because I knew you'd let me get away with it, and look – I was right."
But she was wrong. She had known she was wrong, and I tried to understand why I hadn't seen it in her eyes. It was clear now; everything Imogen said had been a lie, one that I had believed. And I hate myself for it now.
But, most of all, I hate what it has done to you.
Looking at you now, I know what you're asking with your tear-filled eyes. "How could you believe that?"
And the truth is that I don't know how.
It's impossible. And I don't know why I hadn't seen that before.
Now, there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay . . .
Maybe, I don't know anything anymore. Maybe, I'm going crazy, and it's just hurting you more to watch me slowly lose myself. And I'm done doing that. I won't hurt you anymore, even if it means hurting myself more than I have ever hurt anyone. And I have a feeling it does.
You were right about most things, Clare. You were right about a lot of things that I was wrong about in the beginning. And I bet you're right about a lot of things I've yet to even realize.
But you were wrong about one thing.
I'm not sure of a lot of things, but I do know one thing about myself that you never seemed to believe. I know that I loved you. I know that, even though you can't see it, I was right about my feelings for you, and I didn't know how to make you see that it was true. It's okay if you never see it, because there's a good chance you won't.
But, please, Clare, don't give up on the idea of it. Hold on to that small feeling in the back of your mind that says that I really did love you, and don't let the more dominant part of your mind ever banish it. Maybe one day, you'll believe it.
But, then again, the truth isn't always something we believe.
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around.
I know what's at stake.
I know that I've let you down.
I'm not asking you to take me back, Clare, though I wish I could. But that would never be fair to you. Or to him. As much as it pains me to say, it wouldn't be fair to him. You're not hurt anymore, and I'm still trying to fix what you've already repaired in your mind.
It was always you who needed the closure, but now I'm the one groveling at your feet, asking you to forgive me when, in your mind, there's nothing left to forgive.
I know, inside, that I've hurt you in ways that you never deserved to be hurt, but you just want to move on from my mistakes. How can I blame you for that? How can I blame you for anything?
Maybe, your way of moving on is forgetting the things I did to you. And I guess you're entitled to dealing that way, if that's truly what you want. I can't stop you from forgetting me, no matter how many apologies I offer.
I hope, deep down inside, you're hearing my words, Clare. And not because I hope not to waste my breath, but because I want you to believe that they're true. But I guess it's okay if you don't.
I guess you can believe that I never cared.
If that's what you really want.
And if you give me a chance
Believe it, I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes
I don't know how to be the person you need me to be, Clare. But I've changed so much for you in the past; I've done so many things that I didn't realize were possible with your help. And I know that, with you gone, it will all mean nothing very soon. Relapsing is alright if you're not there to disappoint when it happens.
I'm hanging on by a thread now, Clare. And it's not right of me to ask you to still be here. It's not fair to anyone, but sometimes you just have to do what keeps you alive. So, I guess I am asking for you to be in my life again.
But I know that you'll say no, because you have nothing keeping you here anymore. You have him now, and he's better than I'll ever be for you. I could tell you that I hate him, and it would be true. But I won't say that to you or even to him, because you can hate good people, Clare.
Heroes despise villains and villains despise heroes. The only problem is that he isn't the villain in this equation; I am. And the villain always loses.
Do you ever wonder if there's more to villains than the stereotypes they're given? I didn't really until now. Fiona told me about a play called Wicked that tells the story of the Wicked Witch of the West, you know, from that really old movie, The Wizard of Oz.
It turns out there's a lot more to the witch than everyone ever knew. It turns out she had really good reasons for some of the bad things she did. I think you're supposed to forgive her at the end of the play, but I didn't.
You would probably.
That's why the witch and I aren't comparable. Still, I wonder if you or anyone else will ever wonder if there's more to me.
I guess it doesn't really matter, though. Wicked came out almost a whole century after the Wizard of Oz.
I won't be around that long.
~Clare~
If we're going to make this work,
You have to let me inside
Even though it hurts.
You look so vulnerable, and I don't know why I care anymore. You're pleading, pleading for me to be there for you, but I can't understand what it is you want from me. I can't understand you at all, and I don't know why I'm here trying.
I've done this before; I've tried and I've failed, so I don't know what I'm doing here now. I can tell that you realize there's nothing here for me anymore; I can tell that you believe it, so why can't I?
But there is something, something I can't identify that pulls me in to you every time I see you, and closure isn't supposed to be that way. When you close a door, you shouldn't be able to see what's on the other side. Yet, you're here, right in front of me, and I don't know how to make you disappear. I don't even know how to make myself want that.
But another thing that happens when you close a door, or so they say, is that another one opens. And I guess they're right, because Jake is here now, and yet the door is only cracked, I realize.
When I met you, the door was wide open, and now I've closed you out, but I can still see you. It's like we're separated by only a glass door, and closing it won't fix the problem. And he's asking permission to come in, but I can't answer, not until you're gone.
But he won't wait as long as you, and neither can I.
Because, through the glass, I can see you, but I can't see who you are. I know that you think I've found the closure I need, but that's not true. I can endure without it if that's truly what needs to happen. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to him, but I can cope.
I can deal if I really need to.
And, yet, I always wish that you'll decide to open up, just a bit. We're both afraid of pain, but I'll take it if it comes with knowing the truth about you. About what really happened to us.
Don't hide the broken parts
That I need to see.
Like it or not:
That's the way it has to be.
For so long, I've wondered about what you see when you look at me. Do you see her eyes? Her face? I want to know even if the answer will hurt, even if the answer will kill. Because it can't be as bad as trying to move on without knowing.
But, like I said, I can do that, too. I'm used to the pain. Or, at least, I'm used to the way you can never get used to it.
Sometimes, I watch you when you don't know it. Sometimes, I look at you even when Jake thinks I'm looking at him, and I let him think that, because that they way it should be. And, maybe if he believes it, then it makes what I'm doing less wrong.
Maybe, I'm just lying to myself. Maybe I'm letting him do to me exactly what Imogen did to you. Only, I'm asking him to do it. I'm asking Jake to convince me that you don't matter anymore, and he doesn't realize how he's obliging.
Maybe, I'm just as bad as you.
Maybe, we're both denying things, and that's why we're both hurting so much. Maybe, we don't know how we're feeling, and that's the greatest problem of all.
You've got to love yourself
If you can't ever love me
You're broken, and you're asking me to do something for you, but I can't understand what it is. I want to understand, but I don't know how. And it scares me that I care this much, because I shouldn't.
I can still remember the wild look in your eyes, and I was truly scared of you at the time. It wasn't healthy; I shouldn't have been scared.
But I'm looking at you now, and the glass is gone. Jake's gone, and I know there's no turning back anymore. I'm terrified to speak, and you don't say anything. You seem to be trying to tell me that you're sorry, and I want to tell you that, too. I want to tell you I was wrong, but I don't know if I actually was.
I don't know anymore.
But you look like you hate yourself right now, and I don't know if you should or not. I don't know if I should hate you or not. But I don't think I do. I hate what happened to us, I hate what you did to us, and I hate not knowing how to fix it. I hate the fact that I want to fix it, and I hate the fact that Jake's been hurt.
But I don't hate you. No matter, how much I probably should, I don't. And I'm not scared of it. Even though I should be.
And I know that I don't want you to hate yourself. Because that means you can't possibly love me. As wrong as it seems, it's the way I feel.
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around.
I know what's at stake.
I know that I've let you down.
\ I don't know how it's come to this, and I don't know how I can stand here still loving you as if nothing ever happened to us. It shouldn't be that way. I should be moving on; I should be wishing you good luck and a good life and just forgetting that this ever happened.
Because that's what you think I've done anyway. Jake, too. Everyone else seems to believe that it's true before it's actually happened. I wish with all my heart that I could make it true. But I can't, and I'll never be able to.
Maybe, I'm better off pretending, though. Maybe, I'm better off letting you believe that I've forgotten you, and letting her make you believe it. In a way, she's better for you than I will ever be. Because at least she knows how to make you think you're happy, even if you're not. Maybe, that's the closest you'll ever get to happiness, and I should just accept that if I'm ever going to have it myself.
Is it wrong to let her manipulate you in this way even if it makes you happy? She knows what she doing, and she's knows I know. But she doesn't understand why I haven't questioned her, and that's okay, because I don't understand it myself, really. But she'll keep telling you that I hate you and that you should hate me. And I'll keep letting her do it.
You should hate me, Eli. You probably should. Because, even though, the things she's engraving in your brain couldn't be farther from the truth, at least, they give you closure. Face it; we can't both have that at.
And you need it more than I do. So, you can let yourself believe it if that's truly what you need to do. And I'll find another way to cope. I'll never forget about you, but eventually, you will me. And that's what needs to happen.
If you give me a chance,
Believe it, I can change,
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes.
You're staring at me now with tear-filled eyes, and I know you don't believe it anymore. I don't know if I should be happy that you've seen the truth or not. Probably not. Because now, you'll never get the closure you need.
It's looking like I might get it, but you won't, I'm sure of that. And I don't want it if I'm taking it from you.
He's standing here, too, now, and I can feel you telling me to go. Just go. I'll be okay.
And maybe you will be okay. Maybe you don't need to her to feel alright again, at least, someday. But, the problem is, I can't say the same.
I look into his eyes, and I know he's better for me. He's more than I deserve and everything I always saw myself wanting when I was young. He's meant for me, and I'm meant for him.
But that doesn't mean it's right. I love him, so much. But you have always been the person I'm supposed to be with. Destiny is simply our own decisions, and I choose you.
~Eli~
Remember that time I told you
The way that I felt –
That I'd be lost without you
And never find myself.
I know that I'm really far gone, Clare. But I don't want to be lost anymore, and I can't do that without you. I don't want to try and pretend like everything is okay, even if she can make me feel that way.
Because it's not. Nothing without you will ever be okay. I don't want closure – I want you.
Your eyes are glistening as I watch you take a step away from him, and I try to realize what you're doing. Should I stop you? Should I tell you that he's better for you than I can be?
Something in your eyes says that you won't listen even if I do, and I'm too weak to try. I'm on the edge of losing, but I'm not gone yet. I can't let myself fall, Clare.
Please, don't let me fall.
~Clare~
Let's hold onto each other
Above everything else.
I don't know where we go from now, and I guess that's okay. Neither of us got the closure we should have gotten. He's gone and she's gone, and there's just us now. And I want to believe that what I'm doing isn't right, but I feel nothing but warmth inside.
You're looking at me as if you've been lost all this time, and you've finally seen the path right in front of you. And I realize that's how I feel, too. I thought I was lost when I was with you, but, it turns out, I disappeared the moment I left you, and I didn't know until I finally returned.
And nothing else matters anymore.
Start over, start over.
.
.
.
Don't know what part of my brain that came from, but . . .
One-shot. Reviews, please?
Sorry for typos.
Song: Whatever it Takes
Artist: Lifehouse
No, it wasn't the theme song if you hadn't noticed ;p
Other stories in-progress: "When the Truth Means Little" (Eclare – mystery/romance) & Jesus Etc. (My version of the episode) Check them out if you wanna . . .
~emerald1198