I had so much I was supposed to get done today and I'd said I wasn't gonna write anything until at least Serendipity and Hold Fast were finished but I was just hit this awful writers' block and then ended up making a forty five minute nap into three hours and then this happened. I don't know how I feel about it, but hey, at least I got something done today, right?
Walter had never imagined saying "I love you" would be followed with such a long, loud silence.
But then again, he'd never imagined saying it to prove a point either, and here they were.
"You love me."
She didn't sound – or look – pleased.
He shouldn't have said it like that. They'd been bickering a lot recently, getting up in arms about little, petty things, and she was sure to take his declaration as a cheap shot, a way to gain the tactical advantage in the most recent stupid argument. That wasn't his intention. He'd been wanting to tell her so badly for so long that her insinuating that he'd stopped caring about her entirely had caused the words to rush out of his mouth like it was the last thing he'd ever say.
She folded her arms. "Why uh...why didn't you tell me this before?"
"I tried." He faltered. "I wanted to."
"In Tahoe?"
He grunted. "Uh. Yeah. In Tahoe."
"That was over a month ago." Paige shoved her hands in her back pockets and sighed, walking in a small circle. "Walter, you have got to understand how complicated this is."
"It's not complicated," Walter said defensively. "There is nothing complicated about how I feel about you."
"That's not what I mean!" Her hands came out of her pockets and went up to her temples. "Walter, in Tahoe, Tim and I had been on three dates. We weren't dating then. It...it would have been so easy for me to just say I'm sorry, I don't know that it's going to work out. But now..." she shook her head. "Walter, he refers to me as his girlfriend now. Did you know he has me as one of his emergency contacts? It's not simple anymore."
"I...I know," he stammered, "I understand, I just..." he bit his lip. "Paige, I don't want to be too late. But..." he stopped, finding it difficult to inhale. "If I am, I...I won't bring it up again. But Paige, I want us. All those things we said we couldn't do. And I'm sorry that I stopped being open with you, I was just..."
"Just what." She sounded annoyed.
"Scared." His arms dropped to his sides. "Terrified." He shook his head. "I didn't know it was possible to feel like this."
Her face softened slightly. But then she gave another sharp exhale and tugged at her hair. "Walter, are you aware what you're forcing me to do, here?" Without waiting for an answer, she continued. "I either have to find a way end it with Tim without him thinking that I haven't been leading him on this entire time, or I have to tell you that I don't love you too. And I..." she shook her head. "I can't do that."
He waited, but there was only silence. He hesitated, terrified of the answer when he asked, "which one can't you do?"
"I – I..." she took a step back, away from him. "I can't handle any of this right now. I have to go...Ralph. I have to go get Ralph."
Walter opened his mouth to respond that Ralph wasn't due home for another three hours, but she'd already darted off.
Walter didn't know how long he'd been pacing the empty loft when he finally lowered himself on the edge of the bed and rested his head in his hands.
He'd blown it. He'd waited too long. He'd done exactly what Happy had told him he was going to do.
He'd lost her altogether.
Paige was with Tim now. Tim wasn't an idiot. He wouldn't do something stupid and lose her. He'd take her places and compliment her and tell her how he felt in appropriate way sand at appropriate times. He'd continue to kiss her, just because he could, and Walter grunted with discomfort at the thought.
He knew how Paige kissed. He knew how she tasted. His need to kiss her again was almost like a craving. He wanted to hold her as he kissed her. He wanted to stand up on the roof with her and hold her hand. He knew how her hands felt too.
He didn't like the idea of Tim knowing her hands. But he did. He had to. He knew her hands and he knew her lips and he also probably...
Walter's hands involuntarily clenched into fists. He'd never wanted physical intimacy. He was uncomfortable with it. And he'd never understood it. Sex was for reproduction. It was a biological necessity. Nothing more.
Or at least, that's what he used to think. He used to have similar dismissals about love.
He could hear his own breathing, roaring in his head as if he was wearing a microphone, and he pushed his hands up, into his hair. If this was unfamiliar, or an urge, he could ignore it or find an outlet and then move on with his life.
This wasn't either. He knew what these feelings were and he knew it was her and only her and there was no avoiding the reality of it. He couldn't ignore it, not when she was everywhere. And he couldn't find an outlet, because no one else was her.
The worst part was not ever bringing it up again. He'd told her he wouldn't. And he wasn't going to break his promise.
He'd already removed all his clothing but his boxers and undershirt and he was still sweating. Too hot to get under the covers, but he couldn't sleep on top of them. With nothing covering him, he felt too vulnerable, too exposed. He supposed he wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight anyway.
"Walter?"
The voice was quiet, but his head snapped up immediately.
She stood in the doorway, her hands folded in front of her, her arms twisting at the wrist. She looked nervous, uncertain, and exhausted.
Walter stood up. "Paige wh – what are you doing here?"
"I, uh..." she wet her lower lip with her tongue. "I broke up with Tim."
She looked so distressed that Walter's heart was caught between wanting to leap at what she said and wanting to sink at her expression. Instead of doing either, it throbbed painfully in place.
"You did?"
She nodded.
"Uh..." he walked cautiously toward her. "And...and that's what you...want?"
"Well," she said, "I've been angry with you. Frustrated. But..." she looked into his eyes. "I said earlier I had to either break up with him or tell you that I'm not in love with you. And..." she shook her head," ending it with Tim was the only option I had." She gave a little shrug, her eyes welling up. "I can't tell you that I don't love you."
Walter put a hand up to her face, cradling her jaw, his thumb rubbing her cheek. Her eyes dropped, breaking their eye contact to look at his lips as hers parted slightly.
"This okay?" He asked, and she nodded. He tipped his head and brushed his lips against hers, and she stepped closer, pressing her mouth more firmly to his. She placed her hands on his neck, moaning quietly. He moved his hands to her waist, sliding them around into the small of her back and tugging her closer.
When the kiss ended, they rested their foreheads together. "I'm sorry," he whispered. Pulling back slightly, he frowned. "How did Tim take it?"
"He...he was disappointed," Paige said. "But he suspected that...he wasn't terribly surprised. He's not angry. Though."
"He's a good guy."
"Yeah."
"I uh," he said, frowning, "I don't know exactly where to go. From here. Any prior relationship that I've had, I wasn't...I mean, I've never..." he cleared his throat. "I've never felt like this before. And to start a relationship at this stage, I..."
"I've never started one at this point either," she said. Her hands slid from his neck, down to her hips where his had moved after the kiss, and she linked their fingers. "That's kinda scary, isn't it?"
She said it with a smile. It seemed like an odd concept to accompany with a smile. But, strangely, he found it made sense.
"Um..." she said after a moment. "I actually...do...have to go and get Ralph now."
"I'll come with you?"
She smiled. "I'd like that. And uh..." she nodded, "Ralph would too."