Hey everyone! I don't own anything in this story except the pieces you don't recognize from the Star Trek 2009 movie or Star Trek: TOS and I am, in no way making any money off of this story, I just like to play around with the characters and universe!
Title: Jim's Wounds
Pain. James T. Kirk was no stranger to pain whether it was raw from having skin scraped off on some unnamed bar, sharp from being stabbed with a knife (which, by the way, had most certainly not been an agreed upon weapon), itchy from that damn bout of chicken pox Jim had gotten in their second year (which was still a mystery thorn in Bones' side; "Who the hell gets chicken pox anymore?!"), numbing from those damn hypo sprays that Bones was so fond of, or emotional (though certainly the young adult captain wouldn't admit to that particular brand of pain anymore than the brash young teenager would have).
But this, this pain took the grand prize. It was like a fucking omelet of pain and included, but was not limited to, all of the pains that Jim had experienced thus far . . . except no itch . . . at least Jim didn't think there was an itch but who the hell could tell anyway? Added to the three strangulation attempts in one day (less than six hours actually) were various cuts and bruises, a couple of broken ribs (and some possible internal injuries) helpfully dished out by Nero and his crony, emotional backlash from the death of an entire god damned planet, and what Jim really hoped was just a superficial cut running from his shoulder to his hip where one of the unnamed Romulans had sliced him with a hidden knife (luckily, or perhaps unluckily, no one from Jim's crew had been witness to this event).
As the acting captain was beamed into the transporter room of his ship he stumbled slightly; luckily no one seemed to notice as everyone was preoccupied with Captain Pike who, while not grievously injured, certainly wouldn't be on duty any time soon and Scotty who was as pleased as a Scottish man could be in the face of his abilities with the transporter (which, admittedly, were beyond anything Jim had ever seen).
As Bones and the rest of the medical staff exited the transporter room without more than a glance towards their acting captain Jim felt his strength weakening but that just wouldn't do would it? Spock was still here and Scotty and damn it Jim was a captain now (no matter how temporary that position would prove to be once they returned to San Francisco and everyone at headquarters found out just how that had come about) and he couldn't just collapse in front of his crew.
Luckily Spock approached the captain with his usual Vulcan grace and said quite logically "Captain if you require rest I find myself completely fit for duty and unharmed from our encounter aboard the Narada and will, with your permission, take your shift on the bridge".
Jim looked inconspicuously at his first officer, the Vulcan didn't seem to have noticed that his captain had more than just superficial wounds but would the Vulcan mention it if he had? It would be logical right? Jim wondered just how that worked when concern for someone (say your captain) collided with logic (say when said captain happened to be responsible for your and hundreds of other lives). It would be logical for Spock to be concerned right? If not for Jim's sake then for the crew's sake but concern was still an emotion and, therefore not permitted.
"Captain?" Spock prodded.
Jim decided not to ask about the emotion thing; what if Spock went off and tried to strangle him again? Serek wasn't here to stop his son this time and Jim would probably end up dead before Scotty or anyone else could think to stop the 'at least three times more powerful' Vulcan.
"Yes Mr. Spock you have the bridge" Jim replied brusquely and, without further ado, exited the transporter room pretending not to hear a certain Scottish engineer call "Captain how about some whiskey in celebration?" as he stepped through the door.
Only to realize that he had nowhere to go. Since Jim wasn't technically cleared for duty aboard the Enterprise he subsequently hadn't been assigned quarters. This hadn't really been much of a problem since the only time he had spent sleeping since coming on board had been in sick bay immediately after his and Bones' arrival.
Had it really been that long since he had slept? Yes his aching body protested. Ok, so where to go to get rest? Jim supposed he could go down and get some quarters assigned to him but he knew that, due to the unexpected arrival of the Vulcan elders and the unfortunate fact that, while in working order, much of the living spaces on the Enterprise had been left uncompleted he would undoubtedly be assigned to quarters with at least two, maybe three, others and well damn but that just wouldn't do right now.
Captain Pike's quarters would be free but Jim didn't think that anyone would be pleased to find out that he had commandeered the captain's quarters (they'd probably think he thought he deserved them or something). Anyway, it didn't matter, Jim didn't think he could sleep in his unofficial mentor's room for want of worrying for the older man; Pike had, after all, looked pretty bad upon their arrival on board the Enterprise.
Spock's quarters would be empty wouldn't they? Jim wasn't seriously considering stealing Spock's quarters but the thought brought up and interesting question; would Spock's quarter's be empty? Uhura was off duty and, while she had been assigned quarters of her own, Jim had the sneaking suspicion that the communication's officer wasn't spending all of her off-duty time there.
Bones. Perfect. As newly appointed CMO (albeit by death of another officer) Bones would not only have an assigned set of quarters but would also have an office which was, no doubt, equipped with a halfway decent couch where Bones could rest and still keep a close (obsessive!) watch over his patients. And, anyway, it would be better for Jim to be caught in Bones' quarters than in anyone else's; they had, after all, dormed together for four years at Starfleet academy.
Jim spun on his heel and (after admitting to himself that spinning on anything at this point was a decidedly bad idea) headed towards the nearest turbo lift. Upon arriving on the floor that Jim knew Bones' quarters would be on Jim was stumped. He knew which floor the good doctor's quarters were on because this was the floor that all of the finished quarters were on. As Jim half frantically, half tiredly roamed the deck peering closely at all of the doors trying to sense which door led to his best friends' rooms he came upon a lovely woman in blue.
Blue. That was the color Bones wore wasn't it? It was kind of difficult for Jim to remember in his current state and, anyway all cadets wore red and black and it wasn't exactly like anyone had had time to get used to their own uniforms much less those of their best friends.
Jim decided to approach the woman who, oddly, looked vaguely familiar. "Kirrrrr….Captain!" the woman exclaimed upon almost walking into Jim who decided he was too tired to reprimand the woman for the slip. Instead of answering Kirk quickly scanned his memories from the past few days; where had he seen this woman before?
"How are your hands? Did you quite recover from . . . whatever it was that was bothering you?" the kindly woman asked. Of course! She was one of Bones' nurses. Now if only Kirk could remember her name . . . something about religion . . . and going to churches or . . . "I'm quite recovered now thank you for your concern Nurse Chapel."
Oh yeah Kirk commended himself because, honestly, he'd only met the woman once and, quite aside form just having woken up from a blasted hypo spray induced coma, he had been rather preoccupied with worrying about the consequences of the, oh so familiar, 'lightning storm in space'. The nurse expressed no outward sign of surprise that Jim recalled her name although was it his imagination or did the woman's eyes grow slightly softer?
"Nurse, I was wondering if you could direct me to Dr. McCoy's (was saying that weird or what?!) personal quarters?" Jim asked the epitome of politeness.
"Well, sure" the rather confused nurse replied knowing that, aside from being temporary captain, this man happened to be Dr. McCoy's best friend "he's in room 247 but he won't be in there, he's still seeing to Captain Pike". Kirk nodded in response "Yeah but I wanted to give him something, it's his birthday you know and . . . well . . . I just thought it'd be nice for him to find a present waiting for him in his quarters after the past few days".
Chapel completely melted "Oh, of course, I wasn't aware that . . . oh but why would I be? It's not like any of us has really gotten to know each other yet have we? Yes, well he's in room 247 Captain is there anything else that I can do for you?" Kirk shook his head "Nope that'll do it, thank you for helping me out". Kirk decided that, just for good measure (you know, in case Chapel wasn't completely smitten with him already) he'd wink as he passed the nurse and proceeded down the hall.
Kirk found it quite humorous that, given the circumstances, this was the first time in four years that he had actually remembered Bones' birthday. Too bad he didn't actually have a present for the man but, he supposed, McCoy probably wouldn't expect one given the hurried way everyone had been rushed into duty.
A few steps down the hall brought Kirk to room 247 which was blissfully empty of life. Upon entering the room Jim found a full bottle of some blue substance that seemed to be alcoholic in nature (wasn't it odd that Jim couldn't identify what the liquid was? He was rather an expert on this sort of thing). Shrugging it off to the fuzziness in his brain Jim downed the rough equivalent of a shot straight from the bottle and grimaced. What the hell was Bones doing drinking this. Quite aside from the awful taste Jim felt like he had just swallowed a god damned bottle of pure alcohol.
Resisting the urge to spit the substance from his mouth Jim downed another shot (what the hell? The awful taste took some of the splitting pain away from his head . . . or maybe that was the alcohol . . . either way . . .).
Within the hour Jim was passed out on his best friends' bed, an empty bottle had fallen from his hands and onto the floor with a soft thump. And dark red blood seeped onto the sheets through the young man's clothes.
Leonard McCoy sighed an exhausted, contented sigh. The surgery on Pike's spine (necessary not only to remove the alien insect but also to determine and, if possible, fix the source of Pike's paralysis) had been successful. Pike would be confined to a wheelchair for a couple of months but after that he would be ship shape.
McCoy reached over and pressed a button on his office view screen. Lt. Uhura's face came into view for only a second before she rose and, apparently, went to get Spock who appeared seconds later. "Yes Doctor, what is the condition of Captain Pike?" the Vulcan queried with no hint of emotion.
McCoy momentary considered not telling Spock immediately, see if he could make the ever logical Vulcan sweat but, in the end, decided that he himself was too tired to play such games (and who wouldn't be after a 9 hour surgery?).
"Pike's gonna be fine Spock, he'll be in a wheelchair for awhile but after that he should be back to full health" McCoy's southern drawl must have carried farther than he thought as relieved clapping filled the bridge. Commander Spock's left eyebrow rose but he didn't comment on the blatantly human reaction. "That is good news Doctor, thank you for keeping me informed".
Spock seemed to hesitate (although McCoy knew that Vulcans didn't hesitate and there must be some other explanation for the gentle look . . . was that concern? in Spock's eyes). McCoy waited patiently, not ending the conversation but also not prodding the half Vulcan.
"Doctor have you heard from . . . Captain Kirk?" Spock asked, apparently unsure of how he should be addressing the acting captain now that Pike was back on board.
McCoy raised an eyebrow of his own. "Not since he beamed back on board Spock, why?" Spock hesitated (or didn't hesitate . . . or did whatever Vulcan's do when they aren't hesitating). "Doctor, I offered to take first watch on the bridge for him so that he might receive the inordinate amount of rest that humans require. I have not seen him since and it has been exactly nine hours 17 minutes and 12 seconds since I have seen him and, apparently, since you have."
McCoy was sure that Spock had a point; Vulcan's always had a point didn't they? "Aw Spock" he replied "Jim probably just went back to his quarters, had a little too much brandy and passed out on his bed" but before McCoy had even finished the Vulcan was shaking his head.
"Doctor, Kirk doesn't have quarters on board the Enterprise, when I gave the offer to take first watch I had, logically, assumed the captain would retire to sick bay for rest but, as you have not seen him and even your severely lacking observational skills could not miss James T. Kirk in your sick bay . . . I find myself rather at a loss as where to find him."
McCoy blinked. Well damn. Jim didn't have any quarters did he? McCoy supposed he could have gone down and gotten some quarters assigned to him (that's what McCoy would have done in the same situation) but he highly doubted it; Jim didn't like to be around others right after a lot of action and had, on occasion, even kicked Bones out of their dorm after allowing himself to be patched up after a bar fight.
"He might have taken Pike's quarters" McCoy answered doubtfully. Spock gave a single nod of consent. "It is entirely possible Doctor however, I have studied Kirk since his illicit" here the Vulcan gave McCoy a meaningful look "arrival on board and he seems to have some . . . emotional attachment to Captain Pike. I do not believe he would commandeer the captain's quarters without his permission and certainly not when Captain Pike's condition was as dire as it was earlier today."
McCoy nodded, that had been his assessment as well. Puzzled, he looked around his office as though it could tell him where his presumptuous best friend had gone. The room didn't answer but McCoy felt a stirring of . . . something as he looked around the office as though he was trying to remember . . . McCoy shook his head and turned his attention back to the first officer. "Alright Spock, I'll look into it" he answered before ending the transmission.
For the next two hours McCoy divided his time between checking up on Pike who really was doing quite well now and searching the entire ship for Jim. Despite his earlier conclusions the first place he had looked had been Pike's quarters but they remained completely empty while, down the hall, previous cadets were sharing four to a room. After two hours though Bones began to really worry; where was the damned brat?
He contacted to the bridge and informed Spock of his failure to locate Jim and suggested a ship-wide search. Spock had agreed and quickly set the search into motion (like the crew didn't have enough to do after the whole Nero incident).
McCoy went into sick bay and found Pike still asleep, his vitals stable. After motioning for a nurse to look after him he headed for sick bay's exit. Only to be stopped by the nurse he left in charge of Pike.
"Doctor?" she questioned. McCoy turned around, looked at Pike to be certain nothing had changed in the two seconds since he'd turned his back (and people said he was paranoid about his patients ha!) before returning his attention to the nurse. "Yes Nurse Chapel?"
"Doctor, when I was on my way to sick bay earlier I ran into Captain Kirk" McCoy was surprised but, at the same time, relieved. "I take it he said something . . . inappropriate?" McCoy asked, resigned to the fact that he would have to have a talk with Jim about not hitting on his nurses, really, it only got the doctor into trouble when the relationship didn't turn out as the woman had planned.
Nurse Chapel looked confused though. "No Doctor only . . . he asked me for the location of your quarters he said he had a present for your birthday today and wanted to leave it there. I only just realized sir . . . with all the commotion surrounding Captain Pike's return, Kirk hasn't been seen in sickbay and . . . well there was that spat on the bridge between him and Mr. Spock and then Delta Vega and Nero's ship. . . don't you think he should be checked out?" the nurse asked in a rush.
McCoy nodded "Yes, of course" he said grabbing a medi-kit "I'll look into it immediately was there anything else?" the nurse shook her head "No doctor but, as far as I know him which isn't well mind, Kirk didn't seem to be acting like himself". McCoy nodded "Thank you nurse, you've been very helpful."
McCoy quickly smiled at the nurse who really had been helpful before leaving sick bay more quickly than before. Really, Jim never got him presents for his birthday he always forgot and then, when McCoy mentioned something to him they would go out for dinner (on Jim of course) and drink until they passed out. What were the chances that Jim would remember Bones' birthday for the first time in four years after such an eventful day when even McCoy himself had forgotten? McCoy sped up on his way to his personal quarters, a feeling of dread coming up from the pit of his stomach.
"God damn it to hell Jim!" Bones was a wreck upon entering his quarters to find his best friend sprawled out all over his bed with what was clearly that suspicious bottle of alcohol that Scotty had recommended to Bones upon discovering that, yes, Bones did enjoy the occasional alcoholic indulgence lying empty on the floor. McCoy hadn't dared to drink any of the fowl smelling liquid yet, nervous of taking Scotty's word on the quality (or safety) of an alcoholic beverage.
Bones made his way over to Jim and shook him roughly. Jim moaned in protest. "Get up you idiot!" Bones growled roughly. Jim turned slightly, still half asleep, hissed, and then jumped up wincing. "Bones! I didn' know when you'd be back and I figured you wouldn' mind if I jus' popped on in fer some sleep. That nice Nurse Church lady told me where to find it after I said it was yer birthday which I know is weird 'cause I remembered and everything and . . . HEY! I finally won that bet 'bout remembering yer birthday Bones!" Jim's thoughts were jumbled and unfocused.
McCoy stopped listening to his friend's drunken rant and was busy studying the man for physical signs of exhaustion. Yep, they were all there but something else . . . "Jim" Bones said quietly, interrupting his friend midstream as he talked about hypo sprays and how, really they should have made something that didn't hurt so much.
"Wassup Bones?" Jim asked, glassy-eyed.
"You're bleeding all over my bed" Bones was in almost as much shock from not having noticed Jim was in pain and Jim was from being in pain.
Bones always knew when Jim was hurt, always had ever since they first met. There was just something about their relationship that allowed McCoy to know when Jim wasn't himself even when everyone else would have seen the same person they always saw. Bones had known from the first day they met to not mention Jim's stepfather. He'd known when Jim had been sliced with a knife even when the kid did his damned best to hide it. How the hell had he missed this?
Jim looked down. "Oh yeah! Srry 'bout that Bones but I couldn't stay awake and ya know they have a laundry system here don' cha Bones?" Jim looked at his best friend earnestly as though Bones understanding that the Enterprise had a laundry system was the most important thing in the world.
"'S not like at the academy Bones, you don't have to go and put your clothes through the cycle yerself, you can jus' throw 'em down the shoot and . . ." here Jim made some fumbling motions that appeared to mean the clothes would then magically appear clean in your quarters.
Apparently the young man got too enthusiastic as he winced and obviously reopened parts of the knife wound that had scabbed over. "Hey Bones?" Jim asked, much more contrite than earlier.
"Yeah kid?" Bones replied trying to get a look at his still squirming friend's back.
"It hurts" Jim admitted sheepishly.
Bones looked as the acting captain incredulously, not only was it quite obvious that his wounds hurt but McCoy had never heard the young man admit to pain of any kind before. Was the wound that bad?
"No shit Jim" McCoy answered, his soothing tone belied the words he spoke. "You've got a fucking canyon running down your back".
"No" Jim shook his head frantically and grabbed McCoy's cheeks in his hands "no, it hurts" he said as he brought his right hand up to the general area his heard resided in.
"Jim I . . ." Bones trailed off, he'd never seen this side of his friend before. It didn't matter, Jim shook his head fervently.
"It's not my fault. It's never my fault. I couldn't help that I wasn't there to save them, the Vulcans Bones and all those god damned Starfleet personnel. I should have gotten here sooner, should have . . .but I couldn't Bones, there's no way"
"JIM! What the hell's that matter with you? Of course you couldn't have saved them, you tried your damnedest but circumstances didn't allow you to and Jim you still saved us, still saved Earth. . .isn't that enough Jim?" Jim didn't reply and who could blame him? There were a lot of dead not to mention Kirk's severe bleeding and his drunken state. Bones wasn't sure which factor was responsible for his friend's uncharacteristic silence but he was damn well gonna find out.
"Jim can you walk?" Bones queried gently.
Kirk gave the doctor a disgruntled look and then a grin that belied his previous somber tone "'Course I can Bonesy boy! I'm in tip top shape" Kirk got to his feet to prove his point and promptly fell back onto the bed.
"Aw Bones did cha know this ship moves a lot? I mean, I can't even fuckin' stand up ya know? I guess that's somethin' they don' teach at the academy huh?" Jim giggled. "Know what Bones? You're head's kinda tilty ya know? You really should get that looked at, I can't have a medical officer with 'is head all . . . tilty an' shit ya know Bones? No 'ffence" Kirk added the last part as an earnest afterthought as though he was concerned that McCoy just might be upset about having his head described 'tilty'.
"Damn it Jim you don't do anything halfway do you?" Not waiting for an answer Bones moved over to his computer and called up to the bridge.
Spock answered. "Yes Doctor has your search to find the captain proven successful?"
"Yeah Spock I got him, listen, could you have sick bay send an emergency unit and a stretcher to my quarters?"
Spock look mildly confused (concerned whispered an annoying voice in the back of McCoy's head). "Certainly doctor, may I enquire as to the nature of this emergency?"
"Yes Mr. Spock you can . . . after you call for that med. unit" Spock nodded and promptly turned to another screen and returned seconds later.
"The team is en route doctor" Spock paused waiting for McCoy to continue.
"Spock, Jim has received a critical laceration on his back, is heavily bruised with possible internal injuries, and is . . . debilitatingly hung over" was the doctor's reply.
Spock waited. When it became apparent that the doctor would say no more without encouragement Spock raised an eyebrow. "I had come to the conclusion that the captain needed medical attention on my own doctor could you possibly inform me of any useful facts such as recovery time and severity of the emergency? And how, or why, did the captain come to be in an inebriated state?" the last statement was added as a cautious after thought as though Spock was unsure he really wanted to know the answer.
"Sorry Spock" Bones answered gruffly "Doctor patient confidentiality and all" Bones turned off the view screen and walked back over to Jim who had promptly passed out again. Bones shook his head "Damn it Jim, why is it always us?"
Spock would never admit it but he was perplexed. It had been two hours since Doctor McCoy had contacted the bridge to report that he had found the captain and there had been no updates since. Because the doctor had been unwilling to share any helpful specifics about Kirk's case Spock logically assumed that the most severe injuries were of a personal/emotional nature. Just what those injuries were he couldn't be sure.
The first officer had made several attempts to contact sickbay in the past hour but each time had been received by the face of a kindly woman who answered all of his queries with a "Doctor McCoy is busy with a patient and specifics of that case are as of yet unknown."
Spock very nearly huffed, he was beginning to feel a certain distaste for the sickly sweet nurse . . . Chapel was it? Spock had read the crew manifest and believed she fit that description.
Spock rose from his temporary seat in the captain's chair and left the bridge with a brusque "Mr. Sulu you have the conn, send any change in ship's status to sick bay". As he wandered down the corridors of the Enterprise Spock contemplated the odd sensation in is stomach. He felt . . . nervous? Concerned?
What could be wrong with Kirk that would take two hours to fix? Other than looking completely exhausted upon beaming onto the Enterprise, the man had shown no evidence of substantial injuries and yet the doctor appeared to think that the captain had obtained injuries of a substantial nature.
Where had that 'severe laceration' come from? Could it be that Spock had been that unobservant? It was well known that humans often lacked the ability to hide serious injuries for very long. Maybe the doctor had over reacted?
No. For all of the current CMO's faults Spock knew one thing, the man had the uncanny ability to accurately judge a patient's health and/or injuries upon sight. And why in the world had Kirk gone and imbibed alcohol upon his return to the ship? Spock didn't know but he would find out.
"Aw Bones! I'm fine. Can't I just . . . DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THAT THING LEONARD McCOY!!!" Jim was currently referring to the small, unobtrusive device that McCoy held in his right hand, Jim had already been stuck with two of the damned things since he'd entered sickbay, not to mention the others he'd received when he first came on board.
"Don't be such an infant Jim! Hypo sprays don't even hurt damn it and I need to get your serotonin levels up before you drink yourself to death out of grief! Now hold still God damn it!"
Jim, not inclined to listen to a word the doctor said, squirmed as much as possible trying to get away from his friend and the hypo spray. "NO! You'll never take me alive!" Jim shouted.
Leonard shook his head. Jim was, quite obviously, still hung over but he had moved into what McCoy like to call the 'two-year old Jim who won't listen to anybody' phase. Perhaps it wasn't the most original name for the stage but McCoy thought it fit nicely.
"Doctor? If I may?" Both the acting captain and CMO spun around to see who had intruded on the scene.
"Spock, God damn it, get out of here! I told you that I couldn't tell you more specifics about Jim's case. Where is Nurse Chapel anyway? She's supposed to be standing guard and making sure no one gets in! Especially green-blooded hobgoblins who can't mind their own Vulcan business!"
"Geez Bones whatcha so worked up about? I don' mind Spock bein' here! 'S a good guy Bones really" Jim looked into McCoy's eyes trying to convince him of this fact but the look had slightly less effect due to the glassy nature of his eyes.
"Doctor, I only came to see if I could be of assistance and upon witnessing this . . . episode thought I might be of service to you." Spock answered, Jim's comments completely ignored.
Both Jim and McCoy looked shocked and erupted with commentary at the same time.
"Why thank you Mr. Spock I'd appreciate even your help with our infantile captain at the moment."
"Spock! After I stood up for you an' everything? How could you? I'll have you know that I don't need any hypo spray, I'm fine thank you very much!"
McCoy considered that while some small part of what Jim said was true, the vast majority of it was a gross understatement. McCoy had already attended to all of Jim's physical wounds so that was no longer a problem. What was a problem and troubled McCoy deeply was the rather varied emotional state of his best friend.
Spock rose his eyebrows, moved closer to Jim and, before anything else could be said, administered a Vulcan nerve pinch quickly and accurately.
Jim faded into blackness.
Part of Jim, the part in the back of his mind that was still aware of the world outside of unconsciousness, wondered if the Vulcans knew that their nerve pinches didn't stop people from dreaming. Or was it supposed to and Jim was just special? It wouldn't be the first time.
Or maybe, because Spock was half-human, he couldn't do it right? No, Spock did everything right. Well unless he was in a deject state of misery because his mother and, you know, planet had been blown to bits and everything. Then he didn't always take the right course of action and, really, he couldn't even murder Jim right.
Well, whatever the cause Jim was dreaming. And, as in most of his dreams; it wasn't his fault. That's what they always said, that's what everyone said; his mother, his grandparents, the councilor at school; they all seemed to think the only thing that could be bothering Jim was self incrimination.
Jim's step-father; Frank, had been around since Jim had been about five years old and married his mom when Jim was seven. He'd been a nice enough guy at first, taking Jim and Sam to the old-fashioned movie theatres and all sorts of things. But when the two married and their mother had been off-planet, Frank had changed.
At first it was just a little bit of a drink here, a little foul mood there but as time went on Frank had become dangerous. Frank had left Sam physically alone (although the two were, by no means on friendly terms and had shouting matches all the time) because Sam was old enough to understand and tell another adult that he was being hurt.
But Jim was younger and when Frank had finally pushed Sam to the point where he spent so little time at home that Jim began to forget what his brother looked like, Frank had closed in on him. Frank told Jim awful things, told him his mother and Sam had both left because Jim was bad.
Even as a young child Jim had been boisterous and obnoxious although he'd never been called bad before. Still, Jim could see the correlation; adults yelled at him a lot and well, he did find mischief everywhere and Sam and mom really were gone an awful lot and so young Jim had begun to doubt his goodness.
As time went on the abuse escalated to a physical violence that went on for years and all of the pain and suffering drew Jim to an edge that he had never really recovered from.
One day Jim came home from school to yelling outside the house. Jim was surprised to see Sam, he hadn't been around in a few weeks. "Sam!" Jim had called excitedly, not only out of genuine love for his brother but because, honestly Frank focused on Sam more than Jim when the older boy was around.
But today Sam didn't return Jim's call he, in fact, ignored his little brother entirely.
"NO, I'M DONE! I can't fucking take this anymore! I'm outta here for good man!" and that had been the end, Sam had stormed off bypassing Jim as though he wasn't even there and Jim's heart sank. His brother didn't care, he knew how cruel Frank was and he was leaving Jim all alone here with the man for good.
Frank growled at Jim from the porch as soon as Sam was out of earshot. "Come on boy, come make me some dinner" and, without waiting for a reply Frank had gone inside what had once been a house to Jim and was now a jail cell.
Jim looked around helplessly. What could he do? Sam was gone, his mom was gone and Frank was really pissed off. Jim was scared and young and instinct took over. He ran.
Well, perhaps not literally. Jim had stolen Frank's prized car and set it to full speed down the highway and ended up at a ravine where the car met its unfortunate end. And Jim almost met his. Jim had known the ravine was there, how could he not? He'd grown up in Iowa for God's sake where there was nothing but fields; the ravine had been a point of interest when he was younger.
Something Jim never told all of the councilors or Starfleet psych (later in life) was that he meant to go over that cliff with the car. He had wanted to so much. But he couldn't, he didn't want to be that bad and he knew, somewhere deep down, he knew his mom and Sam would miss him and he didn't want that, never that.
When Jim had been taken home via a police escort Frank had been courteous and polite until the officers had left, then he laid into Jim's flesh with his belt and fists for the last time.
Winona had come home early that night and, seeing her youngest son in such a delicate position, had thrown Frank to the police who had been at the house not an hour before.
That's when it all began, the haunting mantra of James T. Kirk's life, 'it's not your fault sweetheart."
No one understood that sometimes, even when you know you're not to blame and you know shit just happens . . . sometimes that knowledge isn't enough. Sometimes life is so messed up that you just need time. But Jim had never been allowed time had he? No. They were always pestering him, telling him it wasn't his fault. Damn but Jim got tired of that.
And so, day by day, week by week, year by year people continued to console Jim; nothing was his fault, never. And if Jim got into an inordinate amount of trouble in his youth well, he'd had a bad start and if he punched one too many kids on the playground he was simply relieving the excess hurt he felt.
People began to pity the young man so much that no one could ever see him for who he was; a screw up.
Jim, as a child, really hadn't been sure if any of his stepfather's abuse had been his fault due to Frank's emotional conditioning so he, being an intelligent and creative individual had decided to test his idea. At first he only knocked over a few vases that his father had given his mother, then he'd forgotten to call home when he was staying out later than planned. Jim quickly moved to petty theft and serious alcohol binges and bar fights. And no one ever blamed Jim.
In the face of all of the evidence he'd been provided with, Jim theorized that; because no one blamed him for things that were his fault, he couldn't trust their judgment that Frank's treatment of him had been undeserved.
But Jim also knew enough to hide; oh he'd learned that lesson well. As a child, with his mother off planet, he'd learned that when Frank came home in the middle of the night smelling of smoke and alcohol it was better to hide than to be caught. And, later, when no amount of staying out of Frank's sight had stopped the man's beatings Jim had learned to hide his feelings, not to scream and give the bastard the pleasure.
The situations hadn't been exactly the same but Jim could hide his feelings, hell, by then hiding had become more of his nature than sharing and so Jim had tucked the information away in the dark recesses of his mind, never sure whether he was responsible.
So Jim had taken to outwardly showing no signs of remorse for anything and internally emotionally abusing himself, taking over his long-gone stepfather's role.
And now this damned catastrophe with the Vulcans where Jim had been involved and, damn it, he just didn't know when he was to be blamed after so many years so he blamed himself. Jim could fault no one else not even Nero who had, after all, lost his wife and his planet. So Jim assumed the blame himself.
Thanks to Spock's nerve pinch Jim now dreamed over and over of everyone in his life glaring at him accusatorily, saw Earth being destroyed because he couldn't save it. Jim got less rest during those hours of sleep then he had as he lay bleeding, dying, in McCoy's quarters earlier. At least then he had been too drunk to dream.
Spock kept vigil over Jim as he rested, brow creased. Jim did not seem to be having a pleasant rest. Although the captain made no sound as Terrans often do in fitful sleep, Jim tossed and turned on the bio bed and his brow was covered in sweat.
This greatly worried Spock as the Vulcan nerve pinch was supposed to put Terrans into a dreamless sleep. Spock had never heard of any exceptions save that of Terran children who, for reasons unknown, were immune to the effect. Although young, Captain Kirk could certainly no longer be considered a child and Spock had just risen to go and retrieve Dr. McCoy and inquire if the man had some kind of potion to give the captain for better rest when the captain moaned.
"'S not your fault" the captain gasped out and Spock raised an eyebrow; was the captain addressing him or was this another part of his dreaming state? Spock decided not to answer and just wait to see what came of the captain before making any deductions.
"It's never your fault" Jim said more clearly this time.
"What isn't my fault Jim?" Spock asked, still not sure if the captain was talking to him but willing to play along.
Jim paused for a moment and frowned in his sleep and then shook his head as though trying to rid himself of Spock's words.
"Nothing's ever your fault but you know that everything is" was Jim's reply.
Spock raised one eyebrow, sure that the captain was not speaking to him anymore as the Vulcan had never heard the captain accuse another of being to blame in a situation. In fact, Spock realized suddenly, Jim seemed to carry the only blame he had to give on his own shoulders.
Others might not realize because of the captain's habit of putting up a strong front and never admitting weakness but Spock had glimpsed the, then cadet's, shoulders slump as they exited warp to find the destroyed fleet, as though he should have come to his revelation sooner. Spock had seen, peripherally (his emotions had been far too close to the surface at the time for him to analyze it then), the captain's acceptance of his death on the bridge with Spock's fingers at his throat as though his death would be no great loss to the world.
Spock was just contemplating why the captain would feel this way and what it would mean for the man's future when Dr. McCoy walked back in from his office.
"How's he doing Mr. Spock?" the doctor asked even as he waved various medical devises over the captain.
"He appears to be dreaming doctor" Spock answered and McCoy looked at him as though he could hear the Vulcan's skepticism in his own statement.
"What? Don't you Vulcan's ever dream? You find Jim a good study subject Spock?" McCoy asked disgustedly.
Spock raised his ever limber eyebrow.
"On the contrary doctor, Vulcan's dream much more predictably than humans which is one reason for our lower sleep requirement. In fact, the only time a Vulcan doesn't dream while asleep is when the nerve pinch has been executed on their being and, before you sneer, humans respond to the nerve pinch in the same way accepting your children."
Spock looked to the doctor both to assert his truthfulness and also to question the doctor for a reasonable explanation for the phenomenon.
McCoy said nothing, just waved his medical instrumentation more rapidly over his fallen comrade. His brow furrowed as he looked at the scan for adrenaline. Either Jim found something overly . . . pleasant about the Vulcan nerve pinch or . . .
"He's having a nightmare Spock or" here his brow furrowed again "something like that."
"Doctor?" Spock asked.
"I don't know . . . his adrenaline count is up as it should be in a nightmare but . . . some of these other readings aren't consistent with a nightmare. It's almost as though he's . . . thinking deeply about a nightmare while he's sleeping." Bones paused and shook his head and turned to Spock. "Are you sure that nothing weird happens to human sleep patterns after your nerve pinch?"
Spock shook his head "No one dreams under the Vulcan nerve pinch including terrans. The only recorded exception in the galaxy has been terran children. I do not understand . . ."
Bones snorted while still managing to look concerned "figures Jim would react like a child."
"Indeed" Spock nodded in confirmation of the sentiment.
They were silent for awhile as Bones continued to check Jim's vitals until Spock spoke again.
"He was speaking aloud in his sleep Doctor." The Vulcan offered quietly.
Bones stilled before whirling around to face the Vulcan and looking around sickbay as though to be certain no one else was there before he turned around, attempting to look casual.
"What . . . ah what did he say? Could you understand him?" the last was added in a hopeful voice and gave Spock the impression that the doctor dearly wished that Spock had not heard or understand Kirk's words.
"Clearly doctor. He spoke of, what I believe to be, his innocence before clearly condemning himself for something but, without context, I could not tell you what he was speaking of."
McCoy frowned. He had dormed with Jim for the past four years and he knew what Jim often moaned out during his nightmares but the Vulcan's round about way of talking had Bones confused.
"Spock did he . . . did he say that none of this" Bones gestured around sickbay to indicate the past several days "was his fault?" Bones asked, hesitant to give more away to the Vulcan than he already knew but also unable to give up a chance to solve one of the mysterious he had been trying to solve for years. The doctor wanted to see if the nightmares always referred to one time in Jim's life or if they changed, mutated based on current events in the young man's life.
"Not specifically doctor, I inferred that he was referring to himself based on past observations of him. His words were that 'nothing's ever your fault but you know that everything is'. Do you have some explanation doctor?"
Bones looked up at Spock critically and then sighed and shook his head. "No Spock, Jim always goes on about fault in his dreams and, like you, I've come to realize that he's placing blame on himself but for what I've never figured out."