I could see him. I could see Steven Taylor. He was a pilot, Doctor's companion, wonderful man, bravest of the brave, and my friend. He lay asleep in his bed in the TARDIS on one of those utterly unusual contraptions that folded out from the wall at the push of a button. That ridiculous panda bear toy of his was beside him. It was a comfort for all he had been through, all he had lost, but it was a rather peculiar companion.
I, Oliver Harper, had died. My physical form destroyed by the Vardans on Grace Alone. And alone I had been for weeks as I floated through the ship, through cables, through anything I could find- to still feel as though Oliver Harper existed. I slept in the console. I awoke in energy, scattering around the buttons and levers. I danced in the rotor through every delicate part of the machinery. For it was then I felt truly alive.
I watched the Doctor and Steven. I heard their conversations and saw their tears, and I saw the pain etched on their faces after what we had experienced, what had happened to me, and what had happened to the others...
...
"Steven my boy," the Doctor had said. "I know that you'd like to be left alone. I know that right now all seems hopeless, but is there anything I can do?"
"Not from you there isn't," Steven replied with a sting of anger in his voice.
The Doctor sat down on the bed next to Steven with apprehension. "I miss them too," he said tapping him lightly on the knee. "And their losses do not affect me any less than you."
"Katarina, Sara, Oliver, and now possibly Anne. How do we go on Doctor? How do we keep this game up, knowing that we sacrifice everyone for it all to happen?"
The Doctor's head lowered and I saw vulnerability in him that he so often tried to hide. I didn't blame him for what had happened to me, but I knew that Steven, the poor old chap, felt quite differently. He'd been there longer than me, had seen so many things- I think sometimes he'd seen far too much.
"We must live on if only for them, my boy. Their sacrifices must not be in vain must they, hmmm? We must fight on, life must continue, and they would want us to face the evil that threaten this universe, wouldn't they?"
I saw Steven's lips quiver, but no words escaped him. I think it was too hard. The Doctor nodded and began to get up.
"Doctor?" Steven said as he held onto the Doctor's arm. "We can't let anything happen to Dodo."
"Well that is one thing we do agree on, my boy."
...
Steven was the one person I had confided in about my secret. All my life running away, running from myself, running like the Doctor had when he'd escaped his own place and time and started a new adventure, away from the restrictions of a people he didn't understand. But Steven had understood every word.
Circling the depths of the ship as I whizzed through the systems, I found a sense of freedom I had never felt on Earth, never felt in my time as I shut myself away from my true identity. Steven Taylor however was from a time on Earth that did understand- a time that would have accepted me no questions asked. When I had told Steven about my sexuality, when I'd revealed that secret to him, that part of me I'd never spoken about to anyone close- he'd just listened, and it wasn't even a big old fuss. He joked, we laughed, life at that moment was dangerous, and what I had told him was so insignificant.
...
"The three runaways has a ring to it wouldn't you say fellas?" I had said as we waited for our future to happen. We'd gone back inside the TARDIS and we knew exactly where we were going and what lay ahead for the three of us. But for now we waited for the ship to do that magical thing it did; that 'time and space thing' where it faded from one place and reappeared in another like no other space ship you can imagine.
"I never told you both how proud I am of you," the Doctor said angling his face away from us. He then led us to some chairs in the console room to have a talk. The duration of the landing was anyone's guess. "And you both deserve a break. Let's take a moment hmmm? Rest our legs."
We agreed and Steven fetched some drinks. For the next half hour or so we sat and talked. It was nice, just the three of us- three men on the run, three men on borrowed time, and three men left hoping that three never became two. But we tried not to let it dampen our spirits and we did anything to avoid thinking about things beyond our control.
"Have you always been bald?" the Doctor had asked me suddenly out of the blue. Steven had laughed at the question, a real deep infectious belly laugh. I wasn't sure what had been so funny and I'd rarely seen him laugh so much. It was lovely.
"When I was a baby," I told him. "But I did have hair once Doctor, though hard to believe as that is. Not thought about the look, yourself?"
The Doctor harrumphed and shook me away as if the idea were absurd. "Oh of course not, dear boy. Goodness, no!"
"Yes well we can't all have hair like old Steven here, can we?" I said as I reached out my hand towards him and ran my fingers through his thick golden brown locks.
"Impressed?"
"I've touched better."
"I don't believe you," Steven joked.
"And you'll never feel a better bald head than mine. Go on, have a feel."
I snickered like a child as Steven's hands caressed my head. He started laughing and then screwed his face up. "It's all bony!"
"And your hands are cold!"
The Doctor coughed noisily. "If you've had quite enough of feeling each other's hair or lack thereof, then perhaps it'd be better to change the subject hmmm?"
I laughed. "Oh are we making the Doctor blush, Steven?"
"I think we are, Oliver!"
"Nonsense, I never blush."
"Are you feeling left out Doctor?" Steven had said as he approached the old man and gently patted his grey hair. "Yes, very nice and soft, must use a nice conditioner on that."
I copied and also patted the Doctor on his head and felt the hair that flowed down the back of his head in that wizardry white way. "Excellent head of hair too, Doctor."
The Doctor shook me away with a smile. "Yes, yes, let's stop this silly game now shall we?"
The Doctor wasn't mad, he wasn't perturbed, and he didn't find our joshing at all discerning- in fact he chuckled, and then left to get himself some of the food in that peculiar machine of his. I was left alone with Steven for a moment, and at first we stayed silent, both laughing to ourselves about the horseplay with the Doctor.
"So," I began finally breaking the silence. "Any girl ever steal Steven Taylor's heart?"
"One or two that got away," Steven replied. "Though during the wars I never had much time for chasing girls."
"Ah, well that's all in the past. Or is that the future? I can never quite tell."
"And what about you, Oliver? Now you've decided to stay, what will become of the old Oliver Harper now that he's disappeared in the 1960's?"
I thought for a moment. "Nothing. He's dead. That part of me is gone now, and no one really knew the real Oliver Harper did they?"
"Iknow the real Oliver Harper."
His warm smile made me feel infinitely better. I looked at him and felt true friendship. He also really did have amazing hair!
...
I watched Steven, the Doctor, and Dodo, as they stood around the console looking at the scanner screen which hung high on the wall. I looked with them as I always did. The central column began to rise and fall as the ship was landing. Dodo and Steven looked at one another.
"I wonder where we are." Dodo said excitedly. "Shall I get changed for the trip?"
Steven seemed to be ignoring her, as was the Doctor who was bent over the console examining a button with his monocle. He really was an extraordinary chap, so mesmerised by every detail of his machine. I noticed that more now.
"Doctor?" Dodo persisted. "I'm going to the TARDIS wardrobe to change."
The Doctor looked up from what he was doing and nodded. "Very well my dear. Steven, show her the way would you? And make sure she gets something suitable."
Steven sighed, and with reluctance pulled Dodo from the console room and led her down to the wardrobe. I followed them, floated past like a spectre, observed, and wished I could join them.
…
In the wardrobe room, Steven waited for the young girl to get changed, and he huffed and puffed as she tried on outfit after outfit. I liked Dodo Chaplet though, she was from my time on Earth, and she had a spirit in her that so many lacked. Other people were always so worried what people thought of them. I had been one of those people, but not Dodo, she seemed to only care about doing what she wanted to- and I admired that. As Steven waited outside the changing room for Dodo, he seemed impatient and uptight and anxiety ridden. It was clear that Steven was suffering, and I wished, so wished I could help him. I longed to tell him I was there.
I made the light in the room flicker, (how I'm not even sure) and the light illuminated my hat that hung on one of the hat stands in pride of place. He moved closer to it and gently picked up the bowler hat I always wore. His fingers stroked it, and he stared at it deeply as though a single item of clothing held such memory for him.
"Oliver," he whispered.
"Steven," I whispered back, but he never heard me.
I continued to watch Steven as he and the others made their way to the doors ready to embark on their next adventure. I would wait for them to return. I had little else to do. I didn't know how long I had left. I would just wait.
...
I lingered longer than I thought I could. I stayed with them and I saw Steven face many new things, but never once could I call out and tell them that I was there. Sometimes I think Steven heard me in the dead of night, when he was asleep, when his mind was open to the unconscious world. I think that's where I was in a way. Sometimes he'd follow my voice to the console room. He was always half asleep, but he'd come in the end. I was often asleep in the console whispering his name in my dreams, and when I whispered, tiny little lights aboard the console panel would sparkle erratically as though it were my heartbeat as I thought of my friend beside me. The heart was slowing down, my borrowed time was soon up, but Steven had to keep running.
When the ship's rotor rose and fell, when it creaked into life, when it pulsed, and whizzed, and bleeped, and coiled, and screeched, and whirled...and stopped. Sometimes that was me. For a while that was me. Until the moment the Doctor died for the first time, it was me. The Doctor would be re-born, the TARDIS would re-materialise, but I faded. Oliver Harper was dead.
But Steven Taylor was alive...and that was good enough for this old chap.