This follows from Ch 25 in 'Family Reunion', my NCIS/Rizzoli & Isles crossover. It can be read alone, but would probably make more sense if you've read FR. Quite dark in places, and can be triggering. Let me know what you think.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, just borrowing for the time being.
NCIS Special Agent Ziva David was waiting outside his apartment when he got there, despite the fact that she had a key. "Zi, you could have gone inside. That's why I gave you a key," said NCIS Special Agent Tony DiNozzo.
"You do know that I do not need a key to get in, right?"
"Of course, but I thought I'd make the offer." He smiled, unlocking the door. "Come on, we need to start talking about whatever is on your mind if we hope to be functional for Gibbs tomorrow."
"How did you…I just decided…"
"Zi, we've been partners for seven years. I know when you've got stuff on your mind." He pulled her closer, wrapping his hands around her waist. "Now, let's get changed and ready for bed, and then we can talk." He kissed her gently, letting her go as she pulled away.
"Tony," Ziva started, shaking her head, "I, we can't."
"I know, Zi, I promise, you'll guide us, ok. I won't push you to go farther than you wanna. But I'd rather stay up all night with you, talking, than be functional at work tomorrow. We'll take as long as you need, ok, Zi?"
"Thank you Tony." Ziva kissed his cheek, before grabbing her pajamas and heading to the bathroom to change. After changing, she went back out into the bedroom, where Tony was relaxing against the headboard of his bed after changing himself.
"Before you start Ziva, does anything you're about to say have to do with what Jane was saying to you earlier? Because I can kick her ass for you."
Ziva laughed. "That's funny, because she said the same thing about you. But our conversation is giving me the push needed to tell you these things."
"Zi, you don't need to tell me anything you don't wanna."
"I know Tony. I want to tell you these things. I am just not sure of how you will react. I also do not know how to start, as I have never told anyone any of these things." She stood up from her spot leaning against the wall and began to pace around the bedroom. She stopped, opened her mouth, and then closed it before walking again. After repeating that pattern a few times, she finally managed to get words to come out.
"I have done some terrible things Tony and not all of then were Mossad-sanctioned, or approved. You know what happened on The Damocles, but not what happened before that, or when I worked just for Mossad. Or what occurred in Somalia," Ziva finished, muttering to herself. Ziva started pacing again, this time talking while walking.
"I have killed several men. It is expected of an assassin, but there are two that I wish I did not have to. The first was one of my partners. He turned on Ari and me during an undercover assignment, and I could not let them kill us, so I killed them all while they were torturing Ari. I knew I was next and I would be treated much worse than he was.
"My partner was my boyfriend at the time, and I was so hurt by his betrayal that it took me years to trust anyone that much again, until Michael, and he ended up betraying me as well. With Ray, I did not expect to fall that hard, or that fast, and it hurt the worst when I found out the entire relationship was a lie. I am beginning to think maybe I am the problem."
Tony got up and wrapped Ziva in a hug. "Oh, Ziva, you're definitely not the problem sweetheart." He just held her for a few minutes, as she cried. Once she stood back up, he continued. "They're idiots to have given you up, but, I am so glad they did, because now, I get the honor of calling you my girlfriend." He wiped the tears off her face, and kissed her gently. "I swear to you Ziva, I will never betray you. I couldn't, it would tear me up too much."
"I know Tony. I trust you more than I ever have any one else, and I don't fear that you will betray me. Not anymore." She pulled back. "Will you sit back down please? I am not sure I can continue while we are so close." He moved back to his bed, this time sitting on the edge. "Thank you. When Eli found out, he was not pleased. He said we did not gain enough information about an upcoming attack on visiting dignitaries."
"He should have been happy his kids were alive," exclaimed Tony, trying to stand up as Ziva put her arms on his shoulders, pushing him back on to the bed.
"That is what I told him. I also let him know that I wouldn't be partnered with anyone but Ari because of Jacob's betrayal. But when Ari betrayed me, I had to betray him, in order to keep Gibbs safe." She stepped back, letting Tony process this. "The man I shot was NOT the Ari that I grew up with. He was not the brother I loved."
"You… you shot Ari, your brother, to save Gibbs? Why?"
"To keep Gibbs safe. Ari was a terrorist. He killed Kate, and was going to kill Gibbs. I could not just stand there and let it happen." Ziva sat down on the bed opposite of him, trying not to cry.
"Do you regret it?"
"No." Her answer was quick and adamant. "I do not regret saving Gibbs, not then, and definitely not now. I regret that Ari betrayed me, and that Eli expected me to cover for him, but never taking the shot." The tears were coming freely now, and Ziva kept wiping at her eyes, trying to stop them, to no avail. Tony scooted closer to her, pulling her in to another hug. "No one knows, Tony. Only Gibbs and Maura."
"I won't tell anyone Zi, I promise. I don't want your dad coming after you. Or Gibbs." Tony held on tighter, letting Ziva cry into his shoulder. After a while, Ziva pulled back, wiping the few remaining tears off of her face.
"It is not Eli I am worried about, but everyone's reaction to it."
"Well, I am a vault then." He looked at the clock, which read well past midnight. "Since it's already late, would you like to get the rest off your mind, or sleep and talk tomorrow evening?"
"Can we keep talking please? I am not sure I could go to sleep now, or be able to regain the courage to tell you everything else another night." Tony settled back on the bed, trying to pull Ziva along with him, but she got up and started pacing again. "No one has been then close to me, emotionally, since Tali died, and especially since Somalia. Even Ari was kept at arm's length, and Ray.
"You are also the one to get closest, physically, since Somalia, and I am scared to let you get any closer." She paused, but kept pacing, taking a few deep breaths. "Not because I am afraid you will hurt me, but because of what I am afraid I will do to you. Especially if I experience a flash back." Ziva stopped walking, and turned to face Tony, who had moved to the edge of the bed, but kept her gaze on the floor.
"Zi, honey, you're shaking. Want me to make you a cup of tea?" He asked, reaching for her hands.
"I can make it, Tony. But thank you for the offer." Ziva allowed him to hold her hand as they made their way into his kitchen. Tony sat down at the table as Ziva put on a kettle, before placing some leaves into a teapot. They stayed that way for a couple minutes until Ziva broke the silence.
"I was raped in Somalia, by seven different men, and I stopped counting after the fiftieth incidence. Saleem was definitely the worst." She took a steadying breath, gripping on to the counter top more to keep her footing. "At first they used it as a method to get me to talk about NCIS, but after they realized I wouldn't talk, despite what they would put me through, I was just a toy for them to use at their pleasure.
"The more I fought, the more they seemed to enjoy it. Especially when more than one came at the same time." Ziva paused again, still facing the opposite direction of Tony. "I just started laying there. I knew they would always keep coming and I could not es…escape. When Saleem brought me to you and McGee, I knew he was finally going to kill me. But I thought he was going to make you watch first. Or par…"
Ziva broke off, no longer able to hold in the sobs. Tony, who had been slowly moving towards Ziva, reached around her to turn off the stove, before catching her before she collapsed on the floor. He sat them both down, Ziva in his arms, his back to the oven, and wrapped his arms around her as tight as he could. Tony kept rubbing small comforting circles on her back, mumbling words of comfort in her ear, until the sobs had slowed down to sniffles, and her breathing became more normal.
Tony pulled back a little, tilting Ziva's head up a little so she could look into his eyes. "I would never do that to you, Zi."
"You do not know that."
"Yes, I do. I love you, and have for longer than I care to admit to myself, and I would rather die than cause you pain."
"I…You…Thank you, Tony," she said, more tears welling in her eyes. She put her head back down on his chest. "I love you too."
"Thank you, Ziva. For trusting me with this."
She nodded against his chest. "I trust you with my life."
They stayed that way until Tony could feel Ziva's breath even out, signaling that she had fallen asleep. He carefully maneuvered himself so he could pick her up without jostling her too much. He had almost made it to the bedroom when she woke up. "Tony, what are you doing? I am too heavy for you to carry. Put me down before you hurt yourself."
"One, you are no where near 'too heavy' for me to carry. Two, I am putting you down," he finished, laying her on top of his bed, before going into his closet to grab the extra pillow and blankets.
"Where are you going?"
"The couch," he answered, as if it was the simplest thing.
"You have a guest room. And you should sleep in your own bed."
"The couch is closer, in case you need anything, and I will be the gentleman, and let my lovely girlfriend have the comfortable bed." He leaned over, and kissed her forehead. "I am serious, Zi. If you need anything, just holler." He turned around to leave, and switched off the lights. "Good night, Zi." He had gotten two steps down the hallway, when he heard Ziva whimper his name, so Tony went right back to his room.
"I can't close my eyes, Tony," said Ziva, who was sitting against the headboard, staring at the sheets. "He…They are all I can see sometimes. I am not going to be able to sleep tonight. You should take your bed. I can go into your guest room." She moved to get out of his bed, but Tony stopped her with his hand on her arm.
"You don't have to move, Zi. We can stay her and watch TV, or a movie, or just sit here."
"Tony, you should go to sleep."
"Nah. If you can't sleep, neither will I."
"Tony…"
"Don't try and argue, Ziva, you know I'm stubborn. So what would you like to do?" Tony asked, sitting next to her.
"I am not sure. Maybe just sit here." Ziva moved down so she was mostly lying down. "Or, lay here, I guess."
"Fine by me," Tony said, moving to mirror her position, reaching out his hand to hold onto hers. "You can relax a bit, sweetie."
"I can't. I'm trying, but I…I just can't."
"You know, you're welcome here every night, even if you come over at two in the morning.
"Tony…"
"Just, here me out, ok? Judging from some of the things you've said today, and your behavior at work some days, you have nightmares about the camp. I just want you to know that I am here for you, no matter the time of day. Whether you want to call me or come over, or want me to come over to yours. Ok?"
Ziva nodded, scooting a bit closer, relaxing a bit. They lay that way, in a comfortable silence, for a few minutes before Ziva leaned over and kissed Tony's cheek. "Thank you, Tony." She started to roll back over, but stopped, seeming to think better of it, and ended with her head on his shoulder. Tony moved his hands to around her back, pulling her in a little tighter, and keeping her there. They were that way for so long that Tony was startled when she started speaking again, since he thought she fell asleep. "You make me feel safe, Tony. Like, nothing can ever get to me. Even though I am not worth it."
Tony sat up, pulling Ziva with him. "You are so worth it, Zi. You are precious and loved, and I will do everything in my power to make sure you know it, every. single. day." He punctuated the last few words with kisses on her cheek. "I promise to try and keep the nightmares away. Close you eyes, beautiful." He lay back down, again pulling Ziva down with him. He let her get comfortable on him again, before humming a song and rubbing small circles on her back, allowing her to finally fall asleep.
When Tony woke up the following morning, it was to the smell of coffee and an empty bed. Getting up, he showered ad got dressed before leaving his room. Entering the kitchen, he saw Ziva, already dressed, on the computer, a cup of tea next to her, and a cup for him on the counter. "Do you think we can have an easy day?"
"Í am not sure, Tony. But maybe we can get out early tonight. I want to make you dinner, but need to run by the store first."
"Oh, I love it when you cook," he said, kissing her cheek.
"Tony, you would love it if I bought a frozen pizza."
"No, I'd like that," he said coming up behind her to wrap his arms around her. "But when you cook, and put your heart into it, that's what I love." He pulled her up, and turned her around, so he could kiss her properly. "Your passion, it is just one of the things I love about you."
"Oh, so you have a list?"
"I do, but if I get into it now, we will be later than we are."
"I will drive, Tony, that way we won't be late."
Tony cringed, but nodded, and Ziva was right, as they showed up right on time. Around noon, Director Vance showed up. "Have you all finished your paperwork from the serial case?" he asked, getting nods from the three of them, and a stare from Gibbs. "Well, go home. You have the weekend off. I don't want to see you here until Monday morning."
McGee hurried off to the lab, to spend time with Abby, while Tony grabbed his things, before turning to Ziva. "Store, then your place."
Ziva nodded, following him to the elevator. Once inside, alone, she grabbed his hand, causing them both to have small smiles.
Detective Jane Rizzoli started laughing when the delivery guy brought in a second arrangement, along with another note. This one read Whatever you said, worked. Thanks! She put it on her desk, next to the one that came with the first fruit collection, You were right. He did not run. It is getting better. Thanks, Ziva
"Oh, and who are those from?" asked Dr. Maura Isles, coming in to the bullpen with coffee for her fiancé.
"Thank-you gifts from Tony and Ziva. Want some strawberries?"