Hello y'all! I hope you enjoy my Hunger Games fanfiction. The games are still going on strong in this, just to let you know. Feel free to review. I may have a next chapter on What to Do with Your Life After You Win, but I'm not sure yet, so if you review, I'll be more likely to. :) Thanks for reading!
How to Survive the Hunger Games: Advice from Haymitch, District 12 Victor
Hello, it's Haymitch here. I have won the Hunger Games myself and I have coached two other winners from the 74th annual Hunger Games, Katniss and Peeta. So don't take this advice for granted. It's not every day I give tips to people. Here's the official summary: (Effie's making me include it. I would think the title was self-explanatory, but whatever) I am writing to tell you how to survive the Hunger Games, if you are indeed reaped. Hopefully you aren't because that will suck for you, but here are the tips anyway.
1. NEVER GET REAPED: Do anything in your power to not get reaped. I mean, you shouldn't put your names in extra times, because your chances of getting picked are more frequent and your chances of survival are slim. I mean look at the ratio, 1:23. You could even get someone to volunteer for you or sabotage the bowl of names. But if you do sabotage the bowl, please let me know, I want to see who had the guts to do it. I think it's the least you can do for me, I mean I'm helping you survive for goodness sakes. It's the Hunger Games, pretty much a death trap, and any help can get you one second further. Oh and you dumb Careers, showing off by volunteering, when you don't win because someone who is actually talented kills you, I'm going to be laughing. (Oh and Effie, I don't care if you murder me for that sentence. Go ahead, but know, I survived the Hunger Games, so I wouldn't if I were you)
But if you are reaped:
2. HAVE A SPECIALTY WEAPON THAT YOU KNOW HOW TO USE AS EXPERTLY AS POSSIBLE: That's obvious. Everyone knows that you NEED to have a weapon you can actually use. But what most people don't know is the Capitol looks at what weapon you use, and if you use it well they put it in the games. Also, when you use a weapon in the games, please, please aim. One of my tributes from awhile back was throwing a knife and didn't aim, and it bounced back off of a tree and killed him. God, please have a bit of sense.
Some different types of weapons you can use include:
Knifes
Bow and arrows
Swords
Spears
Tridents
(I would have put more, such as a dumb-bell and the lead pipe, which is really fun to watch someone use by the way, if you ever get the chance, but they never put them in the Games, so I didn't even try. Plus, I bet you don't even know what a lead pipe is. Kids these days go to dumb schools that teach stupid stuff, but you didn't hear it from me)
Remember to actually practice in the training too. You don't get smart from looking at the weapon. Also make sure you won't murder yourself with any given weapon. (Trust me, it happens and I laugh because they basically wasted training. Funny how it's the snooty kids that die because they don't know how to use the weapon. Trust me, I've watched a million Hunger Games. And yes, if you were wondering, I am a million years old. I'm immortal, fear me!) Use your talents to the best of your ability and hope that you are good enough so they put your weapon in the Cornucopia. (Did I say hope? I meant pray, and pray, and pray. The Capitol folks aren't always nice. Only like 1% of the time.) Also, with this weapon, you should be able to kill or someone will kill you. (Trust me, it happens all the time. One dumb tribute is scared of killing and then they get murdered. That type of death sucks. Actually have some talent so you can survive the first 20 minutes okay?)
3. LOOK GOOD IN THE INTERVIEW: During your interview sponsors look at you. Make sure they like what they see, sweetheart. For example, don't show them the bad "killing/vicious/side that is to be feared" part of you. No one likes people like that. That doesn't make you look good. So in the interview, blow the people of the Capitol away. They are all pretty dumb, and it's easy. My advice would be to give a backstory such as "Yes, I have two other siblings that I care a lot about and I need to get home to help them. They are my world." Instead of talking about prize money sponsorships and the like, and the riches you want to obtain. In other words, be sincere. As someone once said, "It's all about sincerity, once you can fake that, you have it made." Also, laugh a lot, smile, and generally be likeable. Act like you want to be there. In other words, lie through your teeth. Figure out the best way to do so, and Tada, you are liked and sponsors will help you. (Sponsors are friends, friends don't eat sponsors. Yes, I took that from Finding Nemo, a movie from way before your time, but you should see it. I would recommend it for all ages. It's about a fish that is kidnapped and taken from his parent that goes to find him and meets a psychopath, just so you know. It's a classic.)
4. NEVER TRUST YOUR ALLIES: If you do indeed get an ally, don't trust them. They will never hesitate to kill you to win, especially if they are Careers. (Ugh Careers are so rude. Just the other day one shoved me. I mean I was just walking on the sidewalk of the Capitol, and they ran by me quickly, shoving me in the process. I just wanted to squeeze them, and then hurt them. Luckily, I didn't. Thank me later.) I suppose it also goes without saying never hesitate to kill them either. The best allies you can have are the young ones without any experience (Like Rue from the 74th Hunger Games.) or one from your very own district (Like capitols stay with Capitols, and Katniss and Peeta from the 74th annual Hunger Games, also known as The star-crossed lovers. And because you were just dying to ask, yes I still call them that and yes, I am still in touch with them. It annoys them even though technically they are married and they are in love. So HA!) Remember, only one can survive so do not get too close to them, and some allies are secretly using you. (Yes, remember in the 78th Games when poor Megan Mchiller was murdered by buff, strong dude, Andy Johnson. I wrote him impolite letters after that, especially because he did it after telling her to trust him a little more. She should have stayed paranoid. I'm telling you people, Especially you Effie, let me be a paranoid old man. It pays off.) Make sure you are aware of them at all times.
5. KNOW GOOD PLACES IN ARENA: To stay alive, you need water. Very simple. So, you should know where water, food, and good hiding spots are. Some good hiding spots include caves, ditches, trees, rivers, and other spots that are off course and hidden from general eyes. Find and be able to identify these places and make sure you keep these spots hidden, by not going to them when other people are around. Also, know where the Cornucopia is, so you can go there if necessary. (But I'm sure you know these, these are the most basic rules. I'm telling you a three year old would know these! Fine no, a three year old isn't that smart. (Since Effie is being a poop, the next sentence is for her) So a three year old that is a prodigy would be able to recite them. There. (Is that better nosy Effie, who just HAS to read over my shoulder?)
6. KNOW HOW TO SURVIVE IN DIFFERENT CLIMATES: Because we don't know what the arena is going to look like, you need know different survival tactics. Even the smallest factors can be proven vital later on. (Yes, you all know I'm thinking about the dork who left his backpack because he thought he saw a better one. When he didn't, he was quite bummed, and got nothing, so he died of lack of food. I know I was supposed to feel bad for him, but still how dumb is that?) Anyways, since whoever reading this probably isn't as dumb (Key word there is as. Not AS dumb. You might be just a little bit dumb. No offense.), these are the different climates and how to survive them.
Rainforest: Obviously, you know that it rains a lot, (BIG DUH. I mean look at the name for crying out loud!), but the water may be unsafe to drink. Try to find water in lakes, but if you are in a pinch, make a tree tapper (You know, get a metal stick thing and stick it in the tree so water comes gushing out. The same applies for the tropics). This works because water is almost always stored in trees. Also, a good hiding spot would be very high in the canopy of the trees, because it is high and not a lot of people would think to look there. (Again, people are dumb. Each generation gets worse too. But luckily, not everyone in this world is dumb, we still have someone really super smart in front of us, taking my beautiful advice.) Creepy and weird animals might be about too, watch and be careful. (Some of the animals MIGHT just be poisonous. Know that it is dumb to try and touch bright animals. Actually it's not just dumb, it's a big no-no as well.
Ocean/Tropics: Remember ocean water is SALTY. (Which means that it is not good to drink. I repeat: Not good to drink.) In this situation, you must know how to swim or else you will have a sad ending, dying on the pedestal (Yes, it's been done before). It is a bad idea to start a fire in any arena, but if you must, remember to put down a flat rock to build the fire upon in the tropics. Otherwise, the ground will be wet, and the fire won't work. (This is an easy fact thought, if you didn't know it and you were reaped, I'm really scared for your future.)
Snow/Artic: In this type of arena, you must remember to stay warm. The attire for this arena will have some sort of layers, so make sure to use it. (Don't be dumb, and striping this arena. Come on that is so 6 years ago boys. Plus no one wants to see what you showed us, not even the boy crazy girls. No one enjoyed when you danced naked.) This is one of the worst and hardest arenas to survive (GOOD LUCK if you get it. You'll need it I promise.)It is the hardest due to cold, and lack of shelter. If you are about to die, make shelter in a corner of the arena that is hidden, but only if vital. Make ice blocks and stack them to make an igloo sort of look. Also, if your sponsor likes you, you can start a fire with the matches they give you. (Remember Polar Bears aren't nice. Don't try to hug one like a kid did in the last Artic Arena. Needless to say, he died. That bear turned on him faster than you can say "dead meat".)
KNOW DIFFERENT TACTICS OF KILLING: Use your resources to survive the games. One of these resources may be low hanging vines to strangle or rocks to hit on the head with. But if you must here are some ways to kill:
Into the heart: Take dagger/sword and stick it into the heart area. Kill the heart. Here's practice. 3. Practice on the computer heart. . (Actually don't. If you really do it and kill your computer, and I'm held responsible I'm going to get in trouble. So please don't. I don't want to deal with petty drama like that right now)
Beheading: Chop off the head like they did in 15 Century England. We can thank King Henry VIII for this tactic, but he's probably way before your time. So here's how you do it: Slice across the neck and you are finished.
Strangle: Take rope and wrap around neck so they can't breathe. Hold. (Basically if you don't understand the point of this, it's to get them not breathing.)
And then there is dying of exhaustion and lack of food. So there you have it.
Hopefully you can survive the Hunger Games with my advice (My fantastic, amazing, super cool advice, to be exact.). Now, I'm done writing. I need some whiskey for all this hard work. Oh and even when you survive your journey isn't over. (The paparazzi will be on you faster than lions on a dead gazelle. Whoops, I meant live gazelle.)
Good luck. Hope you don't die. If you do survive, I hope you have enough manners to thank me. (And no Effie's wrong, I'm not kidding.)May the odds be ever in your favor. (Sorry I know it's over-used, yes, it's so annoying. I get it. And Effie, please. Go. Away.)
Signed, Haymitch