And it's this gaping hole in your heart, which can never be restored. No matter how hard you try to fix it together, no matter how hard you try to pull it tight, the stitches will never stay. The hole remains. You bleed…until you die.
Arizona awoke to cold, sterile silence again.
She could feel the ache, the ache to have Callie in her arms again. To kiss her. To have Callie kiss her and tell her everything would be alright. But now? She'll probably never have the chance to do so anymore.
She just wished she could turn back time, back to the moments where they were together, and happy, and in love.
But it would never work out. How could it when Callie couldn't even bear to see her fucking leg? Couldn't bear to set her eyes on her body? Arizona was an ugly monster, and now her wife would never love her like she used to. She was just being obligated to take care of her out of marital duties.
Arizona knew. She knew that the love of her life, Calliope Torres, didn't love her anymore.
All the cries for her to get up were just for her to get up to leave her house. She couldn't do so. She needed Callie…but maybe Callie didn't need her anymore. Arizona was a just a burden to her. Yes, that must be it. If not, why couldn't her Calliope just love her like she usually did? Arizona just felt so…dirty. So ugly. She saw the shape of her stump tucked beneath the covers. Her wife must have felt so revolted after seeing the remains of her rotted leg.
Maybe the only way to stay here was to be in this bed. Never leave.
She couldn't help but break down in tears again. The thought of Callie chasing her out just made her break down into a shaking, sobbing mess. She wished she weren't so weak. She just wanted to be a good man in a storm. That's what she promised Carlos, Calliope's dad. That's what she failed at being the most.
She just missed being in Callie's arms so bad and feeling normal again. Like nothing happened, and she had returned from Boise safely and was wrapped in her love's embrace. So tightly, she'll be held.
So…safe.
When Callie came in later after their quarrel, she didn't say a word. Arizona still faced her back towards her, because she didn't know how to tell her that she never wanted to leave her side ever again and she was a fucking monster…
Callie just slipped under the covers and spooned her.
That made Arizona freeze. They hadn't had such intimacy since…forever. Was she dreaming? She was still sobbing now but she didn't care anymore. She couldn't be so…frozen with Callie anymore. She just needed her now.
"I'm sorry," Callie whispered. The arm holding Arizona close turned her to face her Calliope and for once, she just burrowed closer and inhaled in that intoxicating, familiar scent. Strong hands held her tight and stroked her back in circles, trying to soothe her.
No words spoken. Arizona couldn't bring herself to say anything. Anything she spouted nowadays just sounded so harsh and bitter. She didn't know how to say comforting words or reassure her wife anymore.
"I'm sorry for breaking the promise, Arizona. At that point of time, it was either you or the leg. I just…I couldn't lose you. Anyone but you. You're my life Arizona…I don't know how I'd stay strong till now if you didn't make it. I think I wouldn't have survived either. I love you so much," her Calliope confessed, tears starting to spill out of her swollen eyes again.
Arizona looked up and hesitantly, stroked her cheek softly. She wiped away her tears and slowly, leaned in to kiss her wife chastely on the lips. She was breaking so many boundaries today. Perhaps, this was the last day she'll be able to do so. Maybe after this, Callie would be disgusted and kick her out for taking such liberties. But Arizona didn't care anymore. She needed this; she needed to feel that connection, again.
Her beautiful woman opened her mouth to say something again. Arizona swiftly cut her off, swooping in for one more kiss, this time deeper with much more passion. Her tears were still flowing, but she didn't care anymore. She missed this so much. Strong arms pulled her in closer, understanding. Calliope eagerly responded and that's all that mattered.
Eventually, Calliope was the first to pull away but she didn't push Arizona away. Instead, she held her tighter within her, hand moving down to lightly caress the –
Arizona jerked back, hissing, "What the hell are you doing?! That's just -"
Disgusting.
Callie looked determined, and pulled her back in with a kiss, pleading her to relax.
"Remember the promise I made to you, that I'm staying here with you? I won't break it. Because this is how it works. I'm not leaving, Arizona. I'm never going to leave you…so please. Let me in, let's work this through together…please?"
Arizona sighed. Was Calliope ever going to make her leave?
"I'm scared you'll make me leave."
Another hug and this time, she froze when there was another caress to her left leg, but she didn't recoil back. She cautiously returned the gesture, instead choosing to run her fingers lightly across the small of Calliope's back.
"Help me up, I want to see Sofia…" she whispered.
Maybe things could turn out better after all. Perhaps you won't really bleed out and code on the table. When you get lost, that certain someone meant for you will find you. She'll fix you, even if it takes very very hard decisions to do so. Life changing decisions. But that gaping hole in your heart will be fixed. Not now maybe, but it will be someday.
It's a start.