Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. If I did JJ wouldn't have left *cries* and Emily wouldn't be going to leave *continues crying* and JJ and Emily would have gotten together looooonnnggg ago!
Warning, this fic contains references to self-harm and suicide. It also contains mild femslash (as in, no sex but there is kissing).
They know something's wrong. I can see it in the way they look at me, the worried glances they throw my way when they think I'm not paying them any attention. They guess at the problem, make subtle attempts (that we don't call inter-team profiling, no matter how much it is) to find out what's wrong. But every time I push them away, or supply a trivial answer to their probing questions.
I got careless. We were at a hotel in Ohio, nowhere near catching our UnSub. It was summer but, of course, I was wearing long sleeved PJs when JJ came knocking. In my defence, it was 3 am and I had been asleep. One careless moment was all it took. I opened the door, still half asleep, without making sure that my sleeves were rolled down.
"Hey Em, we got another b- oh my god, what happened?" Her light blue eyes widen with horror as she sees my wrist, still red and throbbing, decorated with hours-old cuts.
"Nothing. Leave it." I pull my sleeve down, panic rising in my throat and turning my blood to ice.
"Nothing? God, Em…" she steps into the room and shuts the door, grabbing hold of my wrist in one swift movement. I'm frozen with fear as the blonde media liaison pulls back my sleeve, exposing the vicious, raw cuts. "Did you…did you do this?" She asks tentatively, not letting go of my arm. I shake myself free and step away.
"Leave it, JJ. What were you gonna say?" I try to redirect the conversation.
"No, I will not leave it, Em! If you think I'm just going to look the other way while you slowly kill yourself, you obviously don't know me very well." JJ looks pissed. I feel the fight drain out of me.
"Please, JJ…just let me go." I plead, suddenly very tired. A look of panic crosses her face. I think over what I just said. Oops. "Uh, that came out wrong. I didn't mean it like that." I lie.
"Didn't you, Emily? I think you did. I think you want to kill yourself." Anger and frustration swell up inside me.
"So what? What do you care?" I cry out in my frustration.
"What do I care? Are you blind, Emily? Have you seriously not seen that I love you? You don't have to love me, but I will not stand here and let you die!" She almost yells.
"You love me?" I ask in shock. She's crying.
"Yes. God, Emily, everyone knows it!"
"I didn't know." I'm quiet for a second before suspicion bubbles inside of me. "Are you just saying this because of…" I glance at my wrist. JJ shakes her head, sniffling a little as she rummages in her purse and pulls out a photo. It's old, taken a few days after I joined the BAU.
"Flip it over." She says through her tears. On the back, in slightly faded writing, is my name, surrounded by hearts. I walk backwards, slowly, and lower myself so I'm sitting on my bed, staring in shock at the photo.
"This isn't happening." I mutter under my breath, too quietly for her to hear. I raise my head and look at her. "You can't love me." I say, holding out the photo for her to take back.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to tell you, it's just…seeing you like this. I can't, Em, I can't see you like this without trying to help." From the tone in her voice I can tell I really hurt her. She thinks I hate her for loving me, and in a way I do, but not in the way she thinks.
"You're not meant to help, JJ. It isn't meant to be this way." I pause, not sure how to explain to her that happiness was never destined to come my way.
"What way? This way? You'd rather sit alone in a hotel room, slitting your wrists, than let me help you?" She asks, incredulously.
"Yes!" I sob. Maybe, just maybe, she does understand. The look on her face says she doesn't. She looks pissed, and hurt.
"Do you really hate me that much?" Her voice is soft and filled with pain. I stare at her in disbelief.
"No, of course not! I could never hate you, JJ. It's just…" I look down at my bloodstained wrists, wondering how to tell her what so desperately needs to be said, how to make her understand. "I love you, JJ. I love you more than I thought it was possible to love anyone. You need to be happy, and I couldn't offer happiness to a fucking goldfish. You weren't meant to know about this," I gesture at my wrists, "You were meant to fall in love with someone who deserves you, and when I knew you were happy…." That sentence doesn't need to be finished. I've already said too much.
"You are the stupidest person I have ever met, Emily Prentiss! You want to take away the one person I could ever truly love, in order to make sure I'm happy?" She shakes her head. "And you call yourself a profiler." The last bit is said in a teasing tone, the barest hint of a smile on her face. The blonde woman touches my wrists, pulling back as I hiss in pain. "Sorry!" She says. I shake my head.
"Not your fault, I should have fixed them earlier but I fell asleep." I flinch as a tear falls from my face onto my wrist, the salt stinging my wounds.
"Let's go get these fixed up, then we've gotta meet the team." JJ grabs my go-bag, knowing that, like everyone on the team, I have a first-aid kit stored in there.
My long sleeved jacket covers the bandages. I'm not worried about anyone on the team noticing, I mastered the art of hiding it a long time ago, well, when I'm awake anyways.
"Ok, the body of 54 year old Evelyn Marsh was just found, that means the UnSub has found a new victim. JJ, I want you to see if you can get the press to hold off the story. Reid and Morgan, I want you to go to the crime scene, see if you can find any evidence. Prentiss - " Hotch begins.
"I need Emily." JJ cuts him off. He looks surprised.
"What for?" He asks. Damn good question, it's not like she had a job I could help with. I watch her, curiously.
"Uh…I need her to look through the evidence and come up with a plausible story we can offer the media if they won't agree to withhold the story." Hotch raises an eyebrow at her, but doesn't call her on the lie.
"Alright, Emily you're with JJ." He gives her a look that clearly says they are going to have a lovely chat later.
"Seriously, JJ?" I ask, stunned, when she insists on sleeping in my hotel room. In the 20 hours since she woke me up, JJ has not given me even one minute of privacy.
"You think I'm really gonna let you stay in a room, on your own, for an entire night, in your state?" It's a rhetorical question but I answer anyway.
"Well, yeah, I was kinda thinking you would, since, you know, we already discussed that you weren't meant to know." Ok, so I knew she probably wouldn't leave me alone, but I had hoped that maybe she'd come around to seeing it from my point of view.
"You keep saying that, Em, like it's gonna change the fact that I do know. Or that I care for you and don't want anything to happen to you." I roll my eyes, still unconvinced that she actually gives a damn I exist.
"Can I at least go to the bathroom alone?" I don't actually wait for a response, just grab my toiletries bag and a change of clothes and make for the bathroom.
For someone who studies human behaviour for a living, I can be pretty stupid. I knew there was someone who knew my secret. I knew that person was staying in my hotel room, for the sole purpose of ensuring I didn't kill myself. Yet I still cut myself and, believe it or not, expected to get away with it. I probably would have gotten away with it if it weren't for a little bit of bad luck. The blood seeping from my leg made the blade slippery and, as I went to make another cut, it slid from my hand onto the tiled floor with a small clatter. Unfortunately the shower wasn't running so JJ heard the sound and was instantly at the door.
"Emily? What was that? Are you ok? Open the door!" She called, worry evident in her voice.
"I'm fine, JJ." I yelled back, hoping she bought it. No luck.
"Open the door, Em."
"Jesus, JJ, I'm not dressed!" Ok, so that was a lie, but she wasn't to know that.
"We're both girls, Emily, just open the goddamn door before I kick it in!" I quickly shoved the blade into my toiletries bag, wrapped some toilet paper around the cuts on my leg and pulled my PJ pants over the wounds.
"Ok, ok, just a sec!" I didn't have to pretend to sound frustrated. Pulling open the door I gave JJ my best 'what' expression. "Happy?" I asked, standing in the doorway and not letting her in.
"Thought you said you weren't dressed." Shit.
"I got dressed."
"Uh huh." JJ's voice clearly said she didn't believe me, and the way her eyes flickered to my wrists confirmed that. "Let me guess, you got a paper cut getting dressed?" She gestured to my hands. Confused, I glanced at them.
"Oh for fucks sake!" I muttered under my breath. I'd forgotten to wash the blood off, not to mention it was smeared on my toiletries bag from when I'd frantically hidden the blade. I took a step back, letting her into the room.
"Let me help you, Emily." JJ's blue eyes captivated me and I found myself unable to look away.
"I can't." I whispered without breaking the gaze.
"Why not?" She asked, softly.
"I don't deserve it." My response is barely audible.
"Says who?" She challenges, her eyes daring me to find a suitable response. I flinch.
"Says me. Says the world. Says logic." I offer.
"What if I say different?" I don't reply, just stare at her, slightly confused but unwilling to admit it. "What if I say you're it for me? I'd rather die than see you hurt, Emily. Do you understand me?" She flexes her fingers like she's trying to stop herself from shaking me. Slowly, very slowly, I shake my head.
"That makes no sense, JJ. You're beautiful, smart, funny, perfect. I'm something not even a mother could love." My voice hitches as I struggle not to cry.
"Is that what this is about? Your mother not loving you?" She stands in front of me as I perch myself on the bathroom counter. I shrug my shoulders and finally lower my gaze, now staring at my bloodied hands.
"I don't know, JJ. It's everything, and at the same time it's nothing. It just is. And I don't know how to stop it, I don't even know if I can stop it, or if I should. And I love you so much, I hate seeing the worry and hurt in your eyes, but I just can't do this, JJ." I'm crying now, tears mingling with the still-wet blood on my hands.
"We can do this, Emily. We will beat this." She swears, taking my hand. I look at her doubtfully.
"Look, now that we've caught the killer we can head home. I'm gonna call Garcia and get her to book a doctor's appointment for you for tomorrow. This time tomorrow you're gonna be curled up at my place with a good movie, some popcorn and a drink." I shake my head at her words.
"I can't do this." I insist.
"You don't have to do it alone, Emily. I don't care how many times I have to patch you up after you slip up, or how many times neither of us get any sleep because we stay up all night just trying to stay alive. I can't let you do this to yourself, Em. I love you too much for that. You're my one and only." She whispers the last sentence so quietly that I almost don't hear it. I'm reasonably certain I wasn't meant to hear it. I feel something shift inside me, the balance between disbelief and truth finally shifting and I can suddenly feel the truth in her words.
"Kiss me." At first I'm not sure if I said it aloud because she doesn't move. Then she slowly raises her eyes to meet mine and a hint of a smile touches her soft pink lips. She leans forward and catches my lips with her own. I shut my eyes and let my mouth move with hers, losing myself to the feeling. I don't know how much time has passed before we break apart. For the first time, ever, I feel hope.
"I believe you, JJ. We can do this."