WARNING: If you don't like epic characters (like Darth Vader) completely made fun of, turned around, flipped upside-down and given a completely insane redo, then I suggest you read something else. This is pure humor and silliness galore.
I don't own Star Wars. It belongs to George Lucas.
I don't own the overall plot for this story (or series of). They belong to my sister, Kaiba-Kun, and her incredibly silly one-page Star Wars comics that she doodled during workless study halls in high school. This and all of the shorts that will eventually follow are a birthday present to her – and for you all to enjoy.
I'm not a Star Wars expert. I'm pretty sure some things will be spelled wrong. Events might seem messed up - but some are done on purpose.
Enjoy. May the Force (if it hasn't already ran and hid somewhere) be with you.
Tale #1: The Anniversary
It wasn't long after the downfall of the Republic when the Emperor went bananas. Most of the people – particularly those in his inner circle of cronies and old contacts on Naboo knew it was coming for quite some time. After all, the Republic had all sorts of issues and being Chancellor – and doing nothing about the issues at hand – made him a little crazy (though it's believed that one too many Nubian golf balls to the head made a very contributable factor to the Emperor's current condition). It wasn't until the fall of the Republic when things started to go wrong.
For one thing, once the Jedi were knocked off and the last remaining few gone into hiding, Palpatine decided to forget all about the Galactic Budget and had a crazy statue of himself built in the center of Coruscant. Unfortunately, he had one too many Kesellian root beers that day and this thirty trillion credit statue shows a side of the Emperor no one has seen before.
With all of the money going into fancy drunkard-depicted statues, there was no more money for the training of the clones. Production was immediately halted so the billions of baby clones growing up wouldn't know how to effectively shoot a blaster. Unfortunately, by the time Luke Skywalker would meet Obi-Wan Kenobi, the trained troopers from the Clone Wars would be too old for combat and were retired with the sleaziest of honors (when all of the budget goes into unnecessarily large statues and palaces, there's nothing left for honored war heroes).
Another problem was Darth Vader. He may be the most feared man in the galaxy, but after years of putting up with a loopy old man and following his equally loopy orders, things start to grow on you. By the time Princess Leia and Han Solo confessed their love for each other (finally), Darth Vader had become somewhat nutty himself. Some would even dare to call him a little bit of a softie. However it still wouldn't stop him from choking someone who looked him the wrong way.
It wasn't until the following anniversary of the Republic's downfall that he believed old Palpatine to be completely mental. Every year the Emperor would throw a party of sorts – always costume – for his loyal supporters. However, after years of oversized palaces, stupid sculptures and a very embarrassing defeat of the Death Star by the hands of a farm boy, many began to lose faith in their Emperor. Eventually the parties stopped, but party or no party, it wouldn't stop crazy old Palpatine from dressing his apprentice in a ridiculous costume for the entire day. In the beginning the costumes were somewhat normal, ranging from a wizard to a Jedi Zombie. But as the Emperor began going more and more bananas, he began to see giant candy pieces, balloons – and one time, Palpatine dressed up Vader in a tauntuan costume! Imagine Darth Vader's embarrassment – the Dark Lord of the Sith – dressed as a smelly tauntaun!
But it was this year that really crossed the line. Darth Vader, summoned to the Emperor's throne room, had been dreading the ridiculous outfit he would have to wear this year. At least, he thought, it can't be worse than that tauntaun. He passed a few incompetent royal guards and entered the throne room, bowing before the Emperor. Sure enough, the Emperor was in full party mode. He himself was sporting a bright yellow party had that contrasted terribly to his black robes. A kazoo was in his shriveled hand and a box was at his feet.
Vader took a deep breath, "You called for me, my master?"
"Yes, my ungrateful apprentice…."
Now Darth Vader really despised that name since before the Empire really got started. The Emperor had been so pleased with the annihilation of the Jedi, and how young Anakin Skywalker easily took out everyone in the Jedi Temple, yet he was unable to kill Obi-Wan Kenobi – one single Jedi. Not only did he fail that, but he lost three limbs and received a body full of burns that nearly cost a statue's worth in credits to repair. Palpatine was so disgusted that his new apprentice was foolish enough to nearly get himself killed on his first assignments that he was dubbed "The Ungrateful Apprentice".
"What is it you wished to see me about, my master?" He peered through his protective visor at his emperor. To his dismay, Palpatine appeared to be a bit smashed. Further investigation revealed a ¾ empty bottle of Nubian Whiskey on the ground beside him.
"Lord Vader, as you (hic) know, today is the anni(hic)versary of the Republic downfall…."
"Yes, my master…."
"Therefore, I would like you to (hic) wear this." He kicked the box to Vader, still kneeling before him, "And if you take it off like you tried to last year…."
"No, my master – it will not happen again."
"Oh, goody, because that tauntaun outfit looked great on you!"
Vader carefully opened the box. There were several items inside – a pair of long white animal ears, a pink basket with fake grass inside and a large white puffball.
"My master, what is this?"
"It is the Nubian Candy Rabbit. Now you will wear it, and you will like it!"
It was now, as the most feared man in the galaxy walked out of Palpatine's palace in a ridiculous rabbit suit, that he would put an end to this ridiculous tradition, even if it meant buying every costume in the galaxy and then burning them all. Perhaps it wasn't too late to get the Emperor into a mental institution….