Retrospect – A Raw Prequel
"Are we hungry, bi'bua?" Her stomach growls as she makes her way through the olive grove, reminiscing on the could bes and what ifs. The sun shining at its fullest, cascading through the limbs. Warmth envelopes everything within reach and the warm glow radiates off her skin.
Afternoon had come quickly after she'd spent the morning cocooned with a book. The words grasping reality and hauling her into a creative world. But when the clouds retreated and the sun cascaded in, she'd taken to a walk to stretch her numbing limbs.
As she passes the spot where her partner had begged and pleaded for her to come home with him and she'd turned him down, her mind plays the Tony DiNozzo movie she's unable to stop - not that she wants to. The thoughts are most prominent when she thinks of their daughter; the life created by the pair that would forever link her to him.
Her fingers itch to write to him, but as she sits she's never able to make it past, 'Dear Tony'. Her words and, by far more, her actions had hurt him; left him pleading, tears dripping, as they'd said goodbye. Hers had felt definite, but his felt filled with desire. Staying had been a necessary evil, but never had she'd thought it would hurt to leave him; to live without him.
Her demons had a greater grasp on her heart than her will to live by his side. He'd offered to be what she needed, to allow her the room to grow as a person as long as they remained a pair. But at the time, filled with demons that doubted her, clouded her mind to see only the bad and contort the good, she couldn't comply. But oh, how she wanted to; craved on every inch of her body to follow him, to tell him yes!
Their daughter had been an unexpected gift; as if he'd known she'd need a companion. Her impending arrival had been the push she'd needed to work through her troubles and not wallow. Now as the life within comes to life, growing and forming each day, she worries that the day to talk to Tony is sooner than planned.
Crippling fear overcomes at the thought and she decides, through a heavy sigh, not today. And that's how she's spent the last four months, deciding not today and each day that comes and goes, is another day that fear has a tighter grasp on her decision.
With the sun inching closer behind the horizon and the slight breeze causing her to wrap her sweater tighter around her frame, she makes her way back towards her home.
Her home.
The home she'll raise her daughter; watch her take her first steps, learn to speak and achieve all those milestones. The home she dreamed of as a child and locked away as an adult, losing the memory as circumstances molded her for other things.
Her home was the permanence she'd craved, begged for, but it lacked the warmth and glee of her partner. The partner she'd hurt beyond repair, the partner she dreads to contact in fear of rejection, the partner she loves.
She loves him!
It had taken her months of self-reevaluation to admit that indeed she loves Anthony DiNozzo. Yet too much time has passed for her to tell him she was coming home.
Tony wouldn't forgive her, not after this; not after not coming as soon as she'd found out about their child. For keeping this secret to herself, knowing he wouldn't be his father. Therefore, she'd made her home elsewhere;
Away from him.
Though it was becoming harder and harder to do, tonight she'd write him a letter, explaining and only hope that he could forgive her.
Her home would be with him and their daughter.
Her home wasn't separated from him.
As she unlocks her front door, setting the basket in the kitchen and catches sight of a picture of her and Tony on the way out, Ziva resolves to write to him.
The first step.
All else would be in his hands.
Hi, everyone! I'm back with another story written in the Raw Universe; part of the Remnants of Regret Series. This story is sort of a prequel for Raw as it focuses on Ziva's emotions up until the moment she shows up at Tony's door. If you haven't read Raw, I'd suggest reading that story first before embarking on this journey. Either way, it's not dire that you read them in certain order.