The Mysterious Lemon

Tonight we were having fish for dinner, but Shinon had somehow convinced me that was just a rumor and we were actually having pork chops. So, I told him, "Okay, smartass, if we're having pork chops, then what is THAT LEMON for?"

Shinon looked quite surprised when I said that, "Oh, Oscar didn't tell you?" he asked.

"No," I responded, "He didn't."

Shinon laughed maniacally and left me alone. I was now very curious about the lemon, so I grabbed it from the counter to examine it more closely. Suddenly I heard Oscar's mellow voice in the other room. "He'll put up quite a fight," he said, "But I'm even prepared for that."

"Honestly," Titania responded, "I don't see why you've even let him live up until this point."

"He thinks that just because he has a title he's better than you," Rhys pointed out.

"But tonight's dinner will just blow him away," Oscar said, laughing.

Wait, who, who is he?! TELL ME!

"Then he'll know he shouldn't have messed with me!"

Rhys and Titania left both laughing, but I had to continue watching.

Ike walked into the room and asked Oscar, "Hey, you're making fish tonight right?"

Oscar laughed at that statement and said, "Yep! And be prepared for a… big surprise…"

I audibly gasped. I now knew that Oscar was planning to blow Ike away, probably with the very lemon I was holding. I threw it hard into another room. Unfortunately, it was Soren's room. I was so scared I had unintentionally hurt him that I ran into the room. He was working as if nothing had happened, until I got within three feet of him. Without looking back he said, "Leave, Boyd."

I whispered quietly, "But I need to tell you something. Something IMPORTANT!"

He glared at me. "What?" he hissed back.

"It's about Ike," I said in an effort to get him to be more interested in hearing what I had to say.

"About Ike? IMPORTANT!? Oh, goddess, is he okay!?" Soren asked in panic-mode.

I put my left hand over his mouth in an effort to shut him up. "Shh!" I warned. "Ike's okay right now, but Oscar said he was going to blow him away with tonight's dinner."

"So, you came in here and scared me half to death to tell me your brother was a good cook, an established fact that EVERYONE in this fort has known for years?" he asked.

"Wait, a good cook? No, you don't understand! He said he was going to blow him away. The same thing you say right before carnage erupts from your side of the battlefield."

"Idiot," Soren muttered, "It's a wind mage joke! Given Oscar's personality and record, it would be much more likely for you to become pregnant with Mist's baby than for him to want to kill Ike. He was using a figure of speech, Boyd."

"Oh, then how can you explain THIS LEMON!?" I asked, picking up the soiled and broken lemon from his floor.

"BOYD!" he scolded, "That was seasoning for the fish! I am SO telling Oscar on you."

"Aha! That's where you're wrong, Soren! You're not infallible. We're not having fish for dinner! We're having pork chops!"

"What?" he asked, "Where on earth did you get that idea?"

"Shinon told me so!" I concluded my argument. A moment later, I realized what a logical fallacy I just made. It didn't stop Soren from calling me on it.

"Shinon…" Soren muttered, "Really? You'd believe an obnoxious asshole and compulsive liar over the brutally honest tactician who won two wars?"

"Oh, crap!" Boyd said, "So if we really ARE having fish, the lemon isn't mysterious at all!"

"But it WILL be mysterious why it disappeared!" Soren noted, "And now I'm going to make it less difficult for Oscar to figure out."

I grabbed him by the upper arm, and shook him, saying, "NO! You will not tell on me!"

He fell limp and his eyes closed. After a couple of minutes he still didn't get up. "Oh no!" I shouted, "I killed Soren!!"

Rule number one of being a Greil mercenary is to NEVER shout those words, or even whisper them when Ike is home. And I just broke it. No sooner did I finish haphazardly covering Soren's body with a tarp than Ike was standing beside me, pointing a sword at me with a death-glare on his face. "Ahahahahaha!" I laughed insincerely, "I was just joking… yes, a joke!"

Ike walked off slowly giving me a glare saying, "Just so you know, it's not even remotely funny."

Before he could get back, I stuffed Soren in an abandoned closet and locked the door.

"Boyd," Oscar asked me, "What happened to the lemon?"

"I don't know! " I said quickly, "I certainly didn't falsely believe you intended to kill Ike, throw it into Soren's room, and accidentally kill him when he wanted to tell on me, and stuff him in an abandoned closet! Heh-heh." He'll never buy it.

Oscar just laughed, "Of course not! The first two things sound like two things you would do, but the others are downright nutty!"

I laughed hesitantly, shifting my eyes. Soren never eats dinner anyway; it's not like anyone will notice he's gone.

"What the hell, Boyd?" I heard a voice calling from the closet pounding lightly on the inside, "Let me out!"

I had incurred the wrath of Soren's ghost! "Leave me alone! I don't like specters!"

"SPECTER? Boyd, it's me, SOREN! You locked me in this goddess-damn closet! Let me out!!"

"No way, specter!" I said and rushed away. "Please don't haunt me, Soren's ghost!" I screamed, unaware I was about to back into Ike.

"Soren's ghost?" he asked, "What have I told you about telling dead-Soren jokes!?"

"Ike, this IS no joke!" I shouted, "I thought I could get away with lying to you about Soren, but now he's a ghost and is haunting me!"

"You are SO dead," he said with utmost seriousness. I gulped. I rushed around looking for a place I could hide from both Ike and Soren's ghost.

"Ike?" Soren's ghost asked. "Ike, is that you?"

Ike looked to the closet door and asked, "SOREN?"

"Yeah! Make Boyd unlock the goddess-damn door! He shook me until I collapsed and then stuffed me in this stupid closet, in a tarp no less! I'm beginning to wonder what kind of punishment he thinks Oscar would unleash on him if he knew he threw away that stupid lemon!"

"Screw Boyd," Ike answered, "I'm getting you out of here by force!"

"But Ike, the property values!" Soren's ghost argued.

"I don't plan on selling this fort anytime soon. When you and I elope, I'll leave it in Mist and Titania's hands."

"Ike, you can't elope with a ghost!" I reminded.

"You stay out of this!" he warned, "It has come to my attention that you didn't actually kill him."

"Wait, what?" Soren asked, "Boyd TOLD YOU HE KILLED ME? And I thought believing Shinon was stupid…"

"He didn't kill you, did he?" Ike asked.

"Of course not! Boyd's just a damn idiot!" Now, normally I was used to hearing Soren speak that way, but not ANGRILY. I never thought my slowness much of a hindrance, but now it was making everything go wrong. I dropped the key by Ike's foot and ran into the kitchen.

"Oscar," I admitted, "I threw the lemon away."

"Why didn't you just tell me?" Oscar asked calmly.

"Because I thought you'd get mad!" I answered, "Soren got REALLY mad at me today."

"Because you threw away the lemon?" Oscar asked curiously, "But he doesn't even usually eat dinner. Why would he care?"

"I don't know, the same reason Titania wants you to kill Ike!"

"I thought I heard a gasp earlier," Oscar said, "No, she was just kidding, and besides we weren't even talking about Ike."

"You weren't?" I asked surprised.

"No, we were talking about Kieran, our surprise guest!"

Kieran walked into the room just then, saying, "Hello, archrival! So where's that delicious dinner?"

"It won't be as delicious as I intended it to be," Oscar said sadly, "My little brother…"

Kieran just laughed it off, "Oh, don't worry about it! I thought Boyd would jump to weird conclusions if you didn't tell him I was coming so I brought extra fruit!"

Several dozen lemons spilled onto the counter. "Thank you, Kieran," Oscar said, smiling.

"Aha! Your mouth says 'thank you' but your heart says, 'You've outdone me, Kieran!'"

Oscar shook his head, saying, "Whatever you say, Kieran."

Ike walked in the room holding Soren's hands, both of which appeared badly bruised around the knuckle area. I guess he was pounding harder than I heard.

"Commander!" Kieran shouted and gave Ike a hug.

"So I guess this is the big surprise you were telling me about…" Ike said.

Soren glared at Kieran shouting, "Let go of him or I'll blow you away!"

I whispered in his ears, "He means business. He's a wind mage." Kieran let go of Ike and ruffled Soren's hair.

"Cute kid, heh…"

"Don't patronize me, you sophomoric egotist," Soren said, "And get your careless fingers out of my hair!"

Listening to Soren talk that way made me kind of dizzy. But the dizziness ended once I finally saw my dinner—and just as everyone except Shinon said, it was fish.

Author's note: Somehow I just can't stop writing pointlessly humorous one-shots about the Greil Mercenaries.