The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any X-Men characters has gone off to a Hollywood after party. This is just fun madness from my little mind.
And The Award For Best Mutant Goes To…
"Oh there you are!" Emma Frost walked up to Logan as he walked through the front door in the early evening. "Where were you this time? It can't be the bar. If it was you'd still be there!"
"For crying out loud Frost what are you complaining about now?" Logan grunted as he took off his jacket. "The way you go on it's like we're married or something."
"As charming as imagining that scenario is I think we need to have a talk. I know I have only been here less than a few months," Emma drawled. "But please tell me that the X-Men do something more constructive than sitting around all day waiting for a crisis to emerge."
"And what do you think we should do?" Logan growled.
"Oh I don't know…" Emma said sarcastically. "I mean we could think of ways to spring innocent mutants free from the MRD. Find safe houses for them besides Genosha. Try to find the Brotherhood and figure out what they're going to do next. Try to recruit new people to assist us in our struggle. Make some more allies instead of scaring them away with your pointy claws. Maybe doing a little checking on senators like our good friend Kelly and find out if they have any unusual hobbies? Such as paying off hookers with taxpayer money and discrediting him? Any of that sound like a good idea?"
"Look Frost I know we ain't exactly the most organized unit but we're working on it!" Logan walked away from her and into the living room.
"It's on! Turn up the volume Bobby!" Kitty squealed. Kitty, Bobby, Ororo. Hank and Forge were all sitting around a big screen television with huge bowls of popcorn and other snacks everywhere.
"Oh yes," Emma smirked. "I can see how hard you are all working. It must be exhausting to change the channel so often."
"Put a sock in it Emma!" Kitty told her. "It's the Oscars! We're all gonna watch it. Well everyone except Scott who's…You know…Still in his room moping and stuff."
"He's still in his room?" Logan asked as he sat down on a large chair and grabbed a root beer. "Stupid question, of course that's where he is! That whiner never lets anything go!"
"Logan you know Jean's disappearance hit Scott hard," Ororo said.
"It also hit Logan pretty hard but you don't see him hiding in his room," Emma sniffed. "Out of Jean's two boyfriends he's coped the most."
"Watch it Frost," Logan growled. "Might as well watch this since there's nothing else on."
"Of course," Emma mocked. "Why bother doing anything to help mutant kind when you can spend it watching mindless drivel on television?"
"The Oscars are not mindless drivel!" Kitty snapped. "I mean it's a show honoring the best and most talented in film!"
"Kitty, it is an award show," Emma sighed as she sat down. "The grandest and largest of those self congratulatory pats on the back Hollywood gives itself for at least eleven months out of the year."
"If it's so awful how come you're sitting down to watch it with us?" Kitty asked.
"I'm just watching for the fashion," Emma said. "Or in some cases lack of it."
"Can you believe what she's wearing?" Hank's jaw dropped as he pointed to an actress on screen. "Oh my stars and garters!"
"That's pretty much what it is," Logan snorted. "Two pasted stars and a garter belt. Some strategically placed stars but still…"
"Now I remember why I agreed to watch this. You were right Kitty, the red carpet is the best part of the show," Bobby grinned. Kitty hit him on the shoulder. "OW! What was that for?"
"Bobby if you have to ask…" Logan groaned. "Holy crap! What the hell happened to Joan Rivers?"
"If that woman has one more face lift her lips will be on her forehead," Emma quipped. "Look at that crowd! There's more toxic chemicals in those women's faces than in weapons dumps in third world countries!"
"Not just women," Logan scoffed. "Some of those guys have had work done too. Who the hell are they kidding?"
"Don't be so judgmental Logan," Hank said. "Not everyone ages as gracefully as you do. Hmmmm…" He looked at a nearby mirror on the wall. "You think I need some work done? My eyelids have been a bit baggy lately…"
"Speaking of bags that's what it looks like that lady is wearing," Forge pointed. "It's called style sweetheart! Go to a designer that can actually sew!"
"Oh it's like being at a Mensa meeting," Emma rolled her eyes. "I believe I am starting to understand exactly why Cyclops spends most of his days locked up in his room."
"Most of them are dressed pretty well," Kitty said, deciding to ignore Emma for now. "Except for her! She looks like Glinda the Good Witch on a bender!"
"I should have stayed at the bar," Logan grumbled. "Then I wouldn't have had to listen to this crap."
"So what movies are nominated for Best Picture?" Ororo asked.
"Let's see…" Kitty took out a list printed from the Internet. "Frost/Nixon, Slumdog Millionaire, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, The Reader and Milk."
"They made a movie about dairy products?" Forge asked.
"Nice to see you keep on top of history and current events," Emma groaned. "Your grasp on the historical figures of the Twentieth Century is amazing."
"Has anyone actually seen any of these movies?" Bobby asked. "Just curious, I mean most of these movies come out like a week before the Oscars are even announced! What about all the other movies over the year?"
"Yeah that actress nominated for something called Frozen River? I never even heard of that movie," Forge nodded.
"I haven't exactly been going to the movies lately," Logan pointed out. "Been on the road a lot before all this started. It's been a long time since I actually went to a theater and watched an entire movie."
"How long?" Bobby asked.
"Let me put it to you this way," Logan said. "The movie I saw was the Godfather. The first one!"
"It was?" Bobby asked.
"I'm pretty sure it was," Logan said. "Or was it the second one? I know Fredo was in it so it was one of those two."
"I've never seen that movie," Kitty said.
"How can you not see that movie?" Bobby asked. "It's on like four channels at least once a week!"
"I've seen parts of it in clips just not all the way through," Kitty said.
"Somehow I don't think the Godfather is your type of movie, Kitty," Emma smirked. "You probably enjoy a cinematic masterpiece like High School Musical."
"And what's wrong with that?" Kitty put her hands on her hips.
"I like that movie," Hank said. "The music is rather upbeat and catchy."
"Bleach!" Bobby groaned. "Those things make my stomach turn!"
"Ditto," Forge nodded as he ate some popcorn. "You know what's a really cool movie? Bloodbath 2! Corporate Retreat of Doom!"
"That was definitely the best of the series," Forge said. "After Bloodbath 5 the quality of writing really went down."
"You actually go to these movies in theaters?" Hank asked.
"Nah it's cheaper to wait until they come out on DVD or on cable," Forge snorted.
"So to recap the majority of our movie going experiences are Teenybopper films and slasher movies," Logan snorted in disgust. "Well it can't get any worse than that. What about you Storm? Did you see any movies?"
"I've only seen a few movies this year and I believe most of them were on the Hallmark Channel," Ororo admitted.
"I was wrong," Logan groaned. "Definitely worse…"
"Actually I quite liked Mamma Mia," Emma admitted. Everyone looked at her. "What? It was funny, had beautiful scenery, didn't take itself too seriously and Meryl Streep actually has a rather decent singing voice."
"Sorry Emma," Kitty blinked. "No one here pegged you for an ABBA fan."
"Well what did you think I watch when I want to escape from this pointless existence of agony I call a life?" Emma snapped. "With so many depressing things already going on in the world the last thing I want to do when I go to a theater is be reminded of them!"
"You're complaining about my choices in movies?" Kitty snickered.
"They're starting," Ororo interrupted. They started to watch the award show.
"Who the hell is that?" Logan pointed to the presenter.
"That's Hugh Jackman," Kitty squealed. "He's Australian. He's super hunky and gorgeous and…"
Suddenly she stopped and looked at Logan. Then she turned back to the TV. "Wait a minute…"
"What?" Bobby said. Then he looked at Logan, then the TV. "Holy cow…"
"Is it me or…?" Ororo was stunned.
"Yeah I see it," Forge's jaw dropped. "But I don't believe it!"
"It's uncanny," Hank was stunned.
"What?" Logan asked. "Why is everyone looking at me like that?"
"Logan…You and him…Him and you…." Kitty pointed back and forth. "I don't believe it!"
"WHAT?" Logan barked. "What is it?"
"You look just like Hugh Jackman!" Kitty gasped.
"Or he looks like Wolverine," Forge said. "Without the sideburns."
"Are you kidding me?" Logan barked.
"You don't see it?" Ororo asked.
"See what? That guy looks nothing like me!" Logan snapped.
"Logan he looks almost exactly like you!" Emma told him. "Even I can see that!"
"Who is this guy anyway?" Logan asked.
"Only one of the hottest actors on the planet!" Kitty told him. "He's been on Broadway and does a ton of movies every year!"
"And he's very easy on the eyes," Emma purred.
"Sounds like a wimp to me," Logan grunted.
"He is not!" Kitty snapped. "He can sing, dance, act…Can you sing?"
"Maybe Cyclops isn't so stupid for locking himself in his room after all," Logan winced as Hugh Jackman began to dance and sing onstage.
"Hey Logan you're pretty good," Forge snickered. "Didn't know you could tap dance!"
"Any more stupid comparisons and Oscar night won't be the only thing over early!" Logan shot out his claws.
It wasn't long before they were in the middle of the show. Ororo groaned, "You know it's been so long since I watched any of these things I'd forgotten how boring they are!"
"Do they have to take forever on the stupid editing awards?" Bobby groaned. "Nobody cares about that!"
"Yeah after the red carpet it's mostly downhill," Kitty admitted as she ate some popcorn. "Except tonight. It's actually kind of classy."
"I like how they use all the actors that won in previous years to announce the nominees," Forge said. "I mean even if they lose they get a ton of praise so at least they're acknowledged."
"It is a rather improved format," Hank agreed. "What do you think Logan?"
"Hugh Jackman looks nothing like me!" Logan grumbled to himself.
"Logan we're off you," Emma said. "What do you think of the format?"
"I dunno. It's okay," Logan grunted. "Not exactly my thing. Mickey Rourke looks good."
"Are you kidding? Look at the outfit he's wearing!" Forge said.
"What are you? The Fashion Police?" Logan barked. "He looks fine! I can't believe I'm watching this crap!"
"It's not crap," Kitty snapped.
"Yes it is! Even that musical number seemed to go on forever!" Logan barked.
"It's not that bad," Emma conceded. "Although I could have gone without the pubic hair rhyme in the opening number."
"I don't even know why I'm watching this," Logan said. "It's long, boring and there's not a single mutant nominated."
"It's an escape okay?" Kitty told him.
"An escape from sanity," Logan groaned.
"You know now that you mention it I think it stinks how there's never one mutant even nominated for an acting award or a directing award!" Bobby said.
"Still a bit bitter over that pizza commercial incident?" Kitty asked.
"I said I never wanted to talk about that again!" Bobby snapped.
"What pizza commercial incident?" Ororo asked.
"It's nothing," Bobby said. "Forget about it."
"It was after the school got shut down," Kitty explained. "Bobby e-mailed me all about it."
"What happened?" Hank asked.
"It was no big deal," Bobby shrugged. "It was a local pizza place I used to go to and they were shooting a commercial. I knew someone and I was gonna be in the background but…Well…I kind of got excited and…I think you can all guess what happened."
"After what you did I'm amazed you walked away without anyone calling the cops," Kitty said.
"Gays and other minorities have it so easy," Bobby grumbled. "Hollywood just loves them but you accidentally freeze a couple dozen pizzas and turn an oven into a block of ice and suddenly you're blackballed for life!"
"Yes Robert," Emma drawled. "I'm sure as a white male you're blocked from thousands of opportunities."
"Life must be soooo tough for you," Kitty glared at him. "Keep plugging Bobby, I'm sure you'll overcome."
"I'm just saying that every other minority out there gets to be proud of what they are in public but us," Bobby said. "You know, mutants? Name me one mutant movie star or prominent political figure besides Warren Worthington or Xavier. Just one!"
"I do concede the fact that the MRD does make it difficult for one to organize a mutant pride parade," Hank shrugged.
"That's the point I've been trying to make at the beginning of this!" Emma said. "As X-Men we need to do more than just sit around waiting for the next threat to come out and kill us all! Otherwise…"
"Hey! Storm is it me or does Hallie Berry look like you?" Logan interrupted.
"What? She does not!" Ororo protested.
"Yeah she does," Bobby said. "Except for the hair and the eye color."
"She looks nothing like me!" Ororo yelled.
"I wonder if she and Hugh Jackman would ever go on a date?" Kitty thought aloud. This led to several protests from both Logan and Ororo and a debate on the rise of musical theater."
"I wonder if that coma Xavier is in is just an act," Emma got up and left the room. "Some excuse not to lead this team! If it is, the man should get an Oscar!"