Catching My Breath
AN: Star Wars The Old Republic is legally represented by Electronic Arts. I'm not sure if LucasArts still retains ownership of the rights, or if those were sold to Disney, but in any case they ain't mine.
"Catch My Breath" is the intellectual property of RCA and/or Sound Kollectiv and/or the incredible Ms Kelly Clarkson.
Imara Goodspeed gained quite a loving fanbase, and believes those people deserve an update. She has not, in fact, fallen from the galaxy. (Is that even possible? Probably just an idiom from her area, I guess.) Anyway, while she was catching me up on her doings, Kelly Clarkson's "Catch My Breath" came on the radio. Afterward, she told me this song perfectly summed up the past couple years while she was working within the Empire.
She's done now, and has a chance to breathe. So without more chatter from me (I'm starting to sound like Oteg), here are the lyrics* and the associated memories. Enjoy the songfic!
- Laryn
Had to keep my distance
Living a life of lies
Ever since the Empire attacked my home, my family, when I was 14 years old, I've focused on a way to get back at them. You know what they say about living only for vengeance, right? I already told you those stories, so I won't bore you with the details. Let's just say once it was done – okay, I'm not completely done, but I made about as much progress toward freeing Balmorra as one person can reasonably be expected to without suicide-bombing the Citadel... Once I dealt my blow to the Sith, I was able to stop and take a look at myself.
I have never been so disgusted in my life.
Here I am, 27 years old, no real friends aside from my HK droid (does that count?), and forget about anything resembling love. I'd already hurt Corso, and I wasn't about to drag him through the muck all over again. Nevermind "farmboy" wasn't man enough to tell me to my face how he felt. His loss. [Imara frowns and goes silent for a minute.] Mine too, it seems.
But I couldn't be who he needed. I had to be someone else, and an honest man like that would never have been able to deal with it. The problem is I don't even know who I am anymore.
I've spent my days
Just trying to get by
Never sure, never trusting
Just reacting to what came
I'm a Balmorran patriot. I'm a former slave with a vengeance. I'm a daughter, niece, protegè of so many good people. I'm a smuggler; sometimes I actually do legitimate business. [Imara grins, but it quickly fades as she continues to reminisce.] I'm a loyal Imperial civil servant – or so they think. I'm a double agent; a triple agent. (I still can't figure out how Watcher X knew that!)
Half of what I do seems to be diametrically opposed to the other half. When I left the explosives intact and sent them on to Sobrik, was I acting as a Balmorran, or maintaining my cover like a good Imperial agent? Honestly, I hope you never know the mind-wrenching agony of trying to live two lives. At times, it was all I could do just to keep up with my missions and hoping no one ever caught on. Or if they did, that they believed as I did.
I've spent my days
Breathing in, breathing out
Sometimes I have to wonder if my luck has anything to do with the Force. Twice, I've been caught working against the Empire. Caught by an Imperial who, by some twist of fortune, saw things more or less as I do. Beyond that, I've lost count of the number of times I've almost been caught by people who were certainly loyal to the Empire. Excuse me for a moment...
**She'll be right back. She's just feeling a little sick. Considering what she's told me of how the Empire treats spies and saboteurs, I'm not at all surprised.
Do you mind, Laryn? I'm telling the story this time.
**Sorry. Go ahead.
Thank you. As I was saying, there were so many times I was holding my breath, waiting for everything to catch up to me. Somehow, smuggler's luck, I suppose, I stayed one step ahead. That's actually the part this song reminded me of.
Trying to forget who I am, doing what I must
But each step cost me. I don't want to think about the things I've had to do to maintain my cover as an Imperial agent, but you probably want to know, don't you? You want to know about the people I've killed, people I've used, relations irrevocably severed because they think I'm truly an Imperial. You want to hear about the times I've had to stand there and suck up to a Sith Lord, or to a Darth, and pretend I agreed with all the filth spewing from their mouths. Or would you rather hear about the more elegant things I've done, like convincing a group of refugees – people made homeless by the Empire - they hated the Republic and should take up arms? It may have all been an act, but that doesn't mean I'm innocent. Maybe it's a good thing the ones who raised me are gone. For everything I've accomplished, I'm still not certain they could be proud of what I've become.
Now that you know who I really am
You can't tell me how I should have lived
Catching my breath, no one can stop me now
Moving on, moving on
Catching my breath, I'm past all that
It's so much simpler now
But I am what I am, and I dare anyone to do better and still make a difference in the galaxy. Even the lowliest soldier has blood on his hands, unless he somehow manages to avoid combat altogether. Whatever else happens, no matter what I have to do, I have to believe it's all worth it. If the Resistance can keep going, so can I.
This new love is an addiction
My heart is so much lighter
Of course, it's a little easier now. Remember I mentioned the ones who share my point of view? Let's just say I let my guard down. He almost killed me when he found out who and what I really am. Literally almost killed me; I decided a clean death was better than being turned in to the government, so I gave him my knife, and he nearly did it. Frankly, I'm amazed we're still even speaking, let alone...
**You fell in love? With whom?
You really can spoil a story, Laryn. I was getting to that. But yes, I did. And no, I'm not going to tell you who it is. I don't want to compromise his cover.
**Summers?
[Sly grin] Maybe, maybe not. I will tell you it caught me by surprise. Someone I was working with, trying to manipulate, and I didn't realize what was happening until it was too late. But the point is, all those things weighing down on me didn't seem so heavy once I had someone with whom I could talk about them. Don't get me wrong, I never lost my perspective. In fact, I gained some. My homeworld will always be worth more than my own life or my happiness, but that didn't mean I wasn't allowed to be happy. [Bites her lip and taps her foot irritably, then shakes her head.] That sounds incredibly corny. Just... perspective. I gained perspective, alright?
Spending time with the ones who matter
Lucky for me, that included actually taking time to go spend time on the planet and with the people I'm fighting for. [Shakes her head again] I still can't figure out how or why Intelligence bought my cover story of "going into Republic space to steal secrets", or something like that. I was actually on Balmorra for those few months, bolstering our defenses and, equally important, reconnecting with my kin. By the way, they're still talking about the "droid rebellion" seven years ago. Or was it eight years? Whatever.
I'll spend my days
Learning to laugh again
Letting myself be seen
It was nice not having to be invisible for a change. And I'm not just talking about the stealth field generator. Agents have no identity, no history, no records outside a very few locations, in most cases not even a name. In most senses of the word, we... they are invisible. A Sith is a Sith. A Jedi is a Jedi. Even Mandalorians and mercenaries are usually easy to identify. But SIS and Imperial Intelligence agents can be anybody. I know it sounds glamorous, mysterious, but it's confusing at best not having a real identity. For a while, I even started to forget who I was, which side I was really on... it's a wonder I can remember my own name half the time. [Imara gets lost in her memories again.]
**Your name is Imara Mathon-Goodspeed.
[She looks up, startled, then laughs.] Yeah, I am, aren't I? And I'm looking forward to the day I can finally be Imara Mathon-Goodspeed again. Maybe one of these days I'll even be able to put my name on my front door, hm?
Keeping heart, good things will come
One of these days I won't have to pretend anymore. I'll be able to walk up to some Sith and spit in his face, and there won't be anything he can do about it. And they'll all be gone from Balmorra. Maybe not in my lifetime, but if I know anything about my people, they won't quit until it's happened.
You showed me
A beautiful new galaxy
With the bulk of my work done, I can finally start focusing on the future. Every day, I kept the hurt and anger from what they'd done burning hot. Every morning, I got up and went over the list of people and places sacrificed to the Empire's lust for conquest and destruction. I still hate them with a passion, but... there's more now. [She fingers a pendant half-hidden under her jacket.] When I look at a new world, I can finally see it, instead of only seeing defensible positions, or places the Empire or Republic have already torn up in their endless war. I suppose when you have someone else to lean on once in a while, you actually get a chance to breathe and take a look around.
Stars only know why it took me so long to learn that. But I plan to do more of that in the future.
Catching my breath, no one can stop me now
Moving on, moving on
Catching my breath, I'm past all that
It's so much simpler now
*Author's note: Thanks to the efforts of plagiarists and the legal bubbas who have to crack down on them, legitimate writers can't post song lyrics even if they're properly cited (and they were, so there!) As a result, I had to disrupt the flow and your enjoyment of the story by summarizing the lyrics rather than posting them directly. Stupid plagiarists. Thanks for nothing. :P