A/N: Mia has something she has to take care of while home over Christmas break during her freshman year at Julliard. How has Adam been holding up? How will he react? AU-ish. Picks up between the books in a "what I wish would have happened" with facts from the second book. Do not read if you've only read the first one or have only seen the movie!
How can I do this? How can I burst back into his life after months of no contact? What if he's moved on?
No, Mia, stop it. He hasn't moved on. He tried calling Kim just a few weeks ago to ask about you. You know he isn't with anyone else. You know that when you left, he was madly in love with you. I was yelling at myself, walking down the street towards Adam's house. I was dying to see him. After everything I did to him, it wouldn't surprise me if he never wanted to see me again.
It was Christmas break, December 31st, to be exact. A year ago, the problems were really just starting between Adam and me. We didn't know what the future would hold, but neither of us expected this. We didn't know I would have to undergo physical therapy. We didn't know that I would be moving to New York completely alone. We didn't know that we would go months without talking. But most importantly, neither of us could have imagined that by this New Year's Eve, I would have lost my entire family.
How will he react to me walking into his home after I dropped off the face of the Earth? I had been expecting to do this at the House of Rock, but I stopped there and was told he hadn't been there in weeks. I didn't know what to do, so I called Liz. She's not my biggest fan, but when I said that I wanted to talk to Adam and to explain myself, she at least told me where I could find him. Now I'm giving myself the same speech I was practicing earlier. You would think that after having already knocked on the door that I thought was his, it would be easier now that I know he's here, but I'm more nervous to do this in his parents' home.
It was such a weird semester. I thought Kim and I would be attending school in New York together, even if we were at different schools. She's now a few hours' train ride away, but I can still see her. She's really my only remnant of my past life. I call to check in with Gramps and Gran once a week, but those calls aren't much and never last too long. I didn't have many other friends outside of Adam's so cutting my ties wasn't too difficult.
Now I'm staring at his house and I don't know if I made the right choice back in September. Adam was right. I know he was there right before I woke up. I know I heard him. He told me that he knew coming back to my old life might be too painful. I didn't fully realize that until I was at Julliard. I knew it was different and it was hard every single day. But until I was 3,000 miles away from everyone I knew, it didn't hit me.
There were so many people who had no idea what had happened six months prior. The professors had been warned, but they weren't giving me special treatment because of it. This made me realize how awkward the last several months had been with my grandparents, Kim, and Adam treating me like I was made of porcelain. This was different. I loved it.
That's not to say that I was without pain. I began seeing a therapist and he helped me realize that I didn't have to be depressed all the time. I could be angry. It was all right to be downright livid that they had all left me alone here.
It was also all right to be mad at Adam. My therapist told me that sometimes people keep irrational anger within them because it doesn't make sense. My anger with Adam was like that. He didn't force me to stay. He didn't make the decision for me. He was just one of the people who helped me decide to stay.
He was also the one I loved the most and in my extremely messed up mind that I've only begun to sort out, he became someone I hated.
Okay, I can do this. I can talk to him…
I was lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I haven't been doing much. I stopped going to the House of Rock. I stopped going to Shooting Star rehearsals, which effectively stifle the band. I felt kind of bad about that, but I can't bring myself to care. My mom is disappointed in me. I know that. After the holiday madness is over, I'll be starting up at work with my dad.
Mia. Why? What happened? She just stopped talking to me. I knew it would be hard to have a girlfriend on the other side of the country, but I thought we could do it. We worked through her losing her parents together. I know she's still got a long way to go, but I thought I was helping her. Our relationship shifted after the accident, but she almost died! How could it not.
Then she moved. And it started out fine. We skyped. We texted. We talked on the phone. Multiple times every day. Then a few times a week. Fine, she was getting busy. Then we just started emailing each other. It seemed to be all she had time to do. And then, nothing. I didn't get a goodbye. I didn't get an explanation. I didn't get anything.
She just disappeared on me.
I tried talking to Kim several times. She said that she can be my friend, but she can't talk to me about Mia. I'm dying for any information on her. Her grandparents have invited me over a few times, but they won't talk to me about Mia either. I don't really want to bring it up either. They lost everyone except her, I don't want to bring them back to that night at the hospital. But with as much time as I spent here during Mia's recovery, they feel like I should come visit. So I do.
But seeing her pictures everywhere, and knowing that she still talks to them feels like a searing knife sawing in and out of my stomach.
We didn't have a break up conversation, so I don't even have a time I can pinpoint for when I lost her. I know we're done, now, but I don't have a when. I don't have a clear before and after. For all I know, it's been done for her way longer than when she stopped talking to me. Maybe it was done the day she moved. Maybe it was done the day of the accident. Maybe it was done during her recovery.
That thought makes my skin crawl. If she was done with me then, then I was just hanging around her all the time, trying to show that I still loved her. Trying to show that I would do anything for her. Be anything. I was ready to move to New York. But if she was done already, then maybe that's why she decided I couldn't go with her.
Maybe it was done last year, on New Year's Eve.
We got in that huge fight about her leaving. I wanted her to promise that next year, tonight, we'd be together celebrating again. She wouldn't. I know she didn't want to make a promise she couldn't keep, but if it was going to happen anyway, I would have wanted her to lie to me. Just lie to give me some hope.
So now I'm lying here, not even pretending to be okay. My parents are getting ready to go out and I'm going to ring in the New Year staring at the walls.
Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia.
Her name is like a burn. I feel the pain anew with every pulse of my heart. Which, at least lets me know it still works. I was sure she'd taken it with her to New York. When she stopped contacting me, if felt like she must have left it on the subway. But no. It's still in me. Reminding me that I'm still alive. Still able to feel the pain. Still in love with a girl who's forgotten me completely.
Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia. Mia.
Her name is also soothing. It's the only thing that makes sense in the world. It's a ray of sunshine in my darkness. It's my anchor, stopping me from being lost in a sea of despair. Any image of her I can bring to mind is simultaneous anguish and ecstasy.
Which is why I think I must be dreaming when my mom knocks on my door, "Adam?" She asks. I sit up to respond and I see her. I'm sure it's an hallucination.
Her. She's here. Mia.
Adam's mom let me in. It's clear that while she might not now everything that's happened, she knows enough to be disapproving of me on her doorstep. I follow her to his room and wait, impatiently, for her to knock.
"Adam?" She asks tentatively, nudging the door open, "you have a guest." She moves back down the hallway as his eyes lock onto mine.
He slowly stands up. He looks like he can't believe I'm here. He almost looks like he's seen a ghost. But he doesn't look angry. That's a good sign.
I think.
"Mia?" It's all he says, but I can hear his voice break and there are so many emotions behind it that I almost tear up.
I smile weakly, "hi, Adam." It's all I can think to say.
It's all I have time to say. The next thing I know, Adam has crossed his room and has engulfed me in his arms. He's got one arm wrapped around my waist, the other across my shoulders, and his face buried in my hair.
This is a very good sign. I throw my arms around him. I grab at his t shirt, pulling him as tight as I can. I don't want to let him go. I've missed this. I hate him. I love him. I never want to leave him again. I don't want this embrace to end.
"Mia. You're really here." I can barely speak, so this comes out as a choked whisper. I realized only after I had my arms around her that this could easily be her coming to break up with me in person, but with the way she responded, it has to be a good meeting, right?
"I'm here. Oh Adam, I've missed you." She's still clawing at my shirt and has one hand crawling through my hair. I don't want to let go. Surely she'll disappear if I let go?
Then it slams into me.
She's missed me? SHE'S MISSED ME? The rage overtakes me more quickly than I thought possible. I'm seeing red. I drop my arms. I take a step back.
She looks hurt at the broken contact. Good. No. Not good. I want it to feel good that I've caused her even a moment of the pain I've felt, but it doesn't. The fury evaporates as quickly as it came. I step back until my legs bump into my bed and I sink down.
"Why are you here?" I can't even look at her while I say it. I'm going to lose it. I press the heels of my hands against my eyes, to try to stop the tears. I can sense her moving closer to me. I can feel the bed sink slightly as she sits down next to me.
"I wanted to talk. I wanted to see how you were doing." She's put her hand on my knee and squeezes. It is supposed to be a comforting gesture.
I move my hands away from my face. "Really? Well, if that's all you want then I don't want to talk and as for how I'm doing? I feel like shit. Okay?" I'm starting to feel angry again. I stand and kick the nearest thing to my foot. It happens to be a container of guitar picks and they all fly against the opposite wall.
"If all you wanted to do was talk, then why are you here? You could have picked up your phone or replied to an email. Oh wait, you seem to have forgotten how those devices work." I'm being cruel. I don't care. She's put me through hell.
Once again, the anger dissipates. She's sending me on a roller coaster of emotions and she's barely said three sentences. I sit back down next to her.
"Adam." Her voice cracks. Good. Maybe she does feel something. "I know I screwed up. I know I should have handled this better, but I'm here now. I want to know if we can fix this at all." She reaches for my hands and, like usual, hers feel like ice.
"Jeez, Mia." I close my hands around hers and blow on them.
"Is that a yes?" She's smiling at me.
"It's a 'Let's hear what you've got to say, Hall.'"
"Adam, I still love you."
"You've got a screwed up way of showing it. What the hell happened when you got out there? Did your internet and phone stop working after the first three weeks?" I can't let myself get angry again. Truthfully, I've been dreaming of this for the last three months. I've wanted her to walk back into my life, tell me that it's all been one big misunderstanding and that she still wants to make us work.
"I know. I know. I've been dealing with so much and I just- I just didn't do this well. I should have acted so much differently. I could have made this easier on both of us. My head and heart have just been so screwed up and I didn't know what to do."
I've still got her hands wrapped in mine. Shit. The accident. I got so wrapped up in how I was feeling that I didn't think of how the accident would be affecting her all alone out there. But then why didn't she let me come with? "Mia, I'm sorry. I just-"
"No. Adam. No. Don't you dare apologize to me for any of this. The accident was a terrible personal tragedy in my life that I'll never fully recover from, but it's not my lifetime 'get out of jail free' card. I can't use it as a crutch."
"That's actually part of what happened. I got to Julliard and no one knew about it. They all treated me like any other incoming freshman. The professors all knew, but they all were still pushing me like any other student. And I loved it. You guys back here were giving me such special treatment and I couldn't stand it. You were even afraid to touch me! It was refreshing to not have everyone watching your every move like you're about to break. And then I started seeing someone-"
My head snapped up and my hands tightened around hers. "What?! You started seeing someone?'
Her mouth fell open and she seemed to scramble to get the words out, "Oh Adam, no. Not like that. I started to see a counselor. One who specializes in grief and loss. On the very first session, he helped me start to see that it's okay to be mad at them for leaving me."
She paused and looked me in the eye. She moved one hand out of my grasp and push some of the hair out of my face. "He helped me see that it was even all right to be mad at Gramps, Gran, Kim, and… you."
"Me." I knew she was. I knew she was done with me. But this still knocked all the air out of me. She'd been sitting here, telling me she still loves me, telling me she's missed me, and yet she's really here to end things for good. I nod. Of course that's why she's here. I begin to move my hand back and to shift away from her, but with a twist of her wrist, she's holding my hands and isn't letting go.
"I love you so much that you were the only one I could bring myself to hate this much. I needed someone to be angry with, to focus that emotion. I thought you would understand. You said it yourself in the hospital. You said that my life would be too hard to come back to and that you would let me go if I stayed."
Still holding my hands, she moved to kneel in front of me. "Adam, I was terrible this semester. But I was able to let go of some things that I needed to. I was able to adjust to being just me. I'm ready to come back now. If-" she paused. It looked like she was swallowing back tears. "If you'll let me. I love you."
It still didn't make a lot of sense to me, but she was here, in my room, apologizing and asking if I could take her back. We would have plenty of time for her to explain that again. I just wanted to feel her now. I pulled her up into my lap and our lips connected. It felt like rain in the desert. Like finally finding the right chord. Better than any kiss we'd shared before. She wanted to be mine again.
"You'll give me a chance to try to fix this? Fix everything I messed up?"
I pulled her closer. "Yes. As long as you promise not to do that to me ever again. Mia, the last few months have been agony."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She put her head on my shoulder.
"Hey, we'll get through this. I just have one question." She lifted her head to meet my eyes. "Why did you wait until today?" I think I knew the answer, but I wanted to hear it from her.
We heard the clock down the hall begin to chime twelve times, signaling the New Year.
She moved closer to give me a quick kiss, "I had a promise to keep."
A/N: I hate how long it takes for Mia and Adam to find each other again. The second book is filled with so much agony from Adam. I wish Mia had been able to bring herself to fix things between them sooner. I hope you enjoyed it!