Title: A Masters in Reverse Psychology
Author: Sam
Disclaimer: I don't own The OC or 'A Masters in Reverse Psychology' by the very talented Murder by Death. They have their own respective owners, which hopefully is themselves.
Rating: I would say PG. Maybe PG-13 just to be safe.
Summary: After Johnny's death, Marissa contemplates her life and what has brought her to this point. Oneshot.
Author's Notes: This is my first OC fic. So let's just see how it turns out.
I really don't know what I have done to make things turn out like they have.
I feel like I should come with some sort of warning label. It should be printed across my chest, and say something along the lines of, "WARNING: The owner of this shirt has the ability to not only drive you insane, but cause you to do things incredibly out of character, such as break into schools, punch people, wrap your truck around a pole or even fall off of a cliff to your own intoxicated demise."
Well, maybe the Luke thing wasn't totally my fault. But I still feel guilty.
For the past couple of days, I've been kind of keeping to myself. It's lonely, sure. But I've had a really good chance to get some alone time and think about things. Occasionally, I'll get a call from Summer or Ryan, or Seth. And sometimes my mom comes to check on me. And there's always Chilli, too.
Anyways, I've come to the conclusion that everything happens for a reason. Every little thing that has happened over the past three years is like a chain reaction of sorts. One event that sets off another that sets off another. All this time, I've been trying to think back to what started everything. I have just always assumed that Ryan was the cause of everything. I mean, he shows up out of nowhere and the whole world is turned onto its nose. If Ryan hadn't come, I would probably still be with Luke. And he would continue to cheat on me and I would have no idea. But it's deeper than that. Ryan wasn't the cause of this.
If I really had to give the blame to why anything happened, I would probably trace it all back to my parents. And of course, that's not fair. But if it wasn't for my family's selfishness, my dad wouldn't have had to steal money. If he hadn't had to steal, he wouldn't have gotten caught and gone bankrupt, forcing my parents into divorce. Without the divorce, I wouldn't have overdosed on pills in TJ, which means I wouldn't have gone to therapy. That means I would never have met Oliver, and my relationship with Ryan would never have been jeopardized. But would we have even been together? If Ryan hadn't broken up with me over Oliver, he would never have gotten back with Theresea. And then there would have been no question to who was the father of her child. And Ryan wouldn't have had to leave. And then Seth wouldn't have left. And that would have saved about a year of misery on Summer's behalf. On both of their parts.
Oh God, I'm responsible for bringing down the people I care most about. And that was just in one year.
If Ryan hadn't left, I wouldn't have gotten with DJ. And there wouldn't have been a trust issue there for us. And if Seth hadn't left, he wouldn't have broken up with Summer and he wouldn't have gotten that job at the Crab Shack and brought Alex into our lives. I'm not saying that was a bad choice on his part, I'm really not. I love Alex (in a totally different way than I thought I did when we were together), but the whole time we were together I knew that that was not where I belonged in the slightest. And if it wasn't for the trust issue, Ryan wouldn't have gone out with Lindsay and we would have been together whenever Tre showed up. And maybe if we were together, Ryan wouldn't have gone to Miami to visit the Nana. And maybe Tre wouldn't have tried to rape me. Then Ryan would have no reason to try and kill Tre, all the while almost killing himself in the process.
See? Remember what I said about a warning label?
If Tre hadn't been shot, our days at Harbor wouldn't have ended. If I hadn't shot Tre, I never would have had to go to public school. If I hadn't gone to public school, I never would have met Johnny. Or Chilli. And right now I am thinking that not meeting Johnny actually sounds like a really good idea, because if I hadn't met him, then he wouldn't have fallen in love with me and he wouldn't be where he is right now. Dead. Johnny died because of me.
Yes, it's me. Marissa Cooper. I have the ability to make boys (and girls) fall at my feet, practically throwing themselves at me until that catacalysmic second that I force them over the edge. I did it to Ryan, I did it to Luke (sort of), I did it to Oliver (even though he was insane to begin with), I did it to Alex, DJ, Tre and now I did it again to Johnny.
I break up with Luke, who starts dating my mom. She then forces Luke into a fit of depression and he runs his truck into a pole. I made Oliver fall in love with me to the point of holding me hostage in his own (pent)house, where Ryan saved the day. When I broke up with DJ and Alex, they both left town. I freaking shot Tre in the back. And I don't even want to go into how much I pushed Ryan. How I made him endure things that no normal boyfriend would do. I made him wait forever while I took my time to decide between him and Luke. I then made him question our love when I brought Oliver into our lives. I didn't believe him when he told me things that deep down, I knew to be true. I made him break into the school at night just to prove these things to me. I made him almost lose his future at Harbor. I ran away to his hometown; I am constantly getting him into fights. I've hit him, screamed at him, and almost forced him to kill his only brother. If the tables were turned, I wouldn't have had the balls to do half of that stuff. And Ryan does it like it isn't a big deal. The only thing that I can think of is that he loves me. He really, truly loves me. And how do I pay him back? I fall in love with another boy.
But I guess I don't have to worry about that anymore, do I? Because out of everything I have ever done to any other boy, Johnny takes the proverbrial cake. If you combined everything I've ever done together, it doesn't top this. I killed someone. Not only did I end his life, I ruined so many others. His mom. Chilli. His family. I mean, I know I didn't force him to drink. I didn't push him off of that cliff. But I might as well have. His love for me caused him to drink that Tequila. My note was the morbid vehicle that drove him to the top of that cliff and caused him to lose his balance. And now Ryan has to live the rest of his life knowing that Johnny was someone that he didn't quite save.
Do you see what I do to people?
I didn't mean to fall in love with Johnny. I swear on everything good, that wasn't my intention. I was just so relieved and thankful to have a friend that I could talk to. I was happy to have a confidante that was totally on my side. Johnny didn't know my friends, or my life, or my background. All he knew was what he had heard and the things that I would tell him. He made me feel important, he made me laugh, and he offered impartial advice. There was nothing more that I needed at that point. I suppose that it was only a matter of time before Ryan assumed that something was up. And I can honestly say that nothing was going on. I just found someone that I trusted. And as much as I tried, I couldn't convince Ryan that Johnny was harmless. Not that I could actually expect him to. But just because Ryan was raised like that, doesn't mean he should assume alterior motives about every single person. So I continued my friendships as normal. Johnny was a friend. Ryan was a boyfriend. That was how it was supposed to be.
And then Ryan gave me an ultimatum. Him or Johnny. Either or. One or the other, but he couldn't go on without giving me time to figure out my feelings.
Initially, of course, I panicked. I was very sure of my love for Ryan, but I wasn't too sure of my new feelings towards Johnny. So of course, I chose Ryan in the end. I didn't want to throw away my almost three year on-again-off-again relationship with someone I really cared about. And so I broke it off with Johnny. And then this all happened. And now I am not sure of anything anymore.
'You were totally in love with Johnny,' my mind hisses at me as I hold his necklace closer. 'Admit it to yourself, and then you can start to heal.'
I chose Ryan in the end, but I'm not sure if that was the right choice. I miss Johnny now more than ever, and I would like to say that if he were standing right here in front of me, I would tell him that I was sorry and I choose him above anyone. But I can't honestly say that I would do that, even if he was standing right here. The thought of Johnny, his mangled body lying at the foot of that cliff, makes me physically sick. The look on Ryan's face as the police showed up and questioned us makes me physically sick. The thought of Johnny being gone forever makes me physically sick. The thought of not being with Ryan makes me physically sick. But right now, I don't deserve Ryan. I don't deserve that pure, devout love he offers. I deserve to be where I am; miserable. I'm in love with the boy who steals cars and burns down houses from Chino. I'm in love with the boy who surfs and died after falling off of a cliff from Newport Union. So I guess now I have to choose which one actually has my heart.
I guess you could say that I'm a poison of sorts. I'm a big drama magnet that ruins every functional relationship I have. And now, all I can do is hope that I don't hurt anyone anymore. And I hope this pain goes away soon.
And I hope that Johnny is okay, wherever he is. And I kind of hope that he can't hear what I'm thinking right now. But I hope that he does know that I'm sorry and I didn't mean for him to die. That's all I can do, right?
Because right now, I'm going to try to sleep. And maybe when I wake up tomorrow, I'll call Ryan and he can come over and we can try to fix things. I need things to be fixed. I need him more than ever. And I love him.
I hope he realizes that.
Read and review? Thanksss.