Ever
It's like I chase after her, in a small and subtle way. But, she's so clever as to pull her affection out from underneath my feet if she gets just a little too close. And when I do get those small moments in which we're inviting one another into each other's lives, it's like she pretends it was never intentional, that it was an accident she wrote the metaphorical letter in her own hand and signed it with a swishy signature and a cat's paw. This was to be expected, however. Her apathy is only slightly concealed beneath her playful exterior.
It's like I wait on bated breath for the sound of her footsteps clicking along the rooftops, or for her to open the window of my office and sit in the window behind my chair. When she climbs in and makes fun of the green that matches her eyes or the question marks that I had made especially for her, I feel happy. I should be angry and I should be stubborn and up my own about it all, but I can only playfully retort. I love the sound of her voice and the way she walks. I don't mind the waiting at all if it's her. Or, maybe I just wanted someone to wait for.
"I thought you might like this," she said once, handing me a black satin tie. "I have no use for it."
It's like I am a gentleman in a tie with his name still written upon it. Yet, I haven't really a thought to care. To be honest, I wear it every day. After all, it came from some holy place in the sky, in my mind, even if the light never shown on my face and back pedal out of situations that don't require my thinking. Since, it is, the only the thing I am truly talented at. She doesn't have to notice, but I will be sitting in the dark waiting, if she does.
It's like I'm sure her face and smile and grace will be plastered in my brain even if I never see her again. Even so, if I were to be asked if I ever loved, I would say, "No, I can't say I ever have". I'm sure someone would say I'm telling lies. Maybe I am… Maybe she'll ever be with me and in my mind and upon my heart. Still, I need her in my life like the stars need space and flowers need water. I'll reach out for you, even if you're ever in sight and ever out of my reach.
But, that's something I cannot help. I'll never say, it's not worth the heartache.