AN: This is a humorous story of Maker adjusting to Scholar IIII, and her quirks. I had fun writing this.
Disclaimer: Not Steven Moffat, obviously.
10 Rules for Dealing With a Temperamental Time Lady
Rule 1: Don't Let Her Get Wet
"Maker! Did you install a sprinkler system in my lab?"
"Yes! I thought it might be useful, you know, with your tendency to blow up shit!"
"Well, because of you, I just lost three weeks worth of testing flame-retardant materials. Thanks a lot! Now get in here and uninstall this system!"
Sighing, he went in there, to be surprised by the sight of a charred, soaking wet Scholar, who looked madder than a wet cat. He should have known better by now.
Rule 2: Don''t Question the New Body's Eating Peculiarities
"Broccoli in chocolate sauce?"
She glared at him."Of course! This regeneration doesn't like meat, or anything that isn't flora and sweets. I used to love chicken..."
"But...you just dipped cruciferous vegetables in chocolate fondue."
"And?"
Sometimes, it was impossible to understand Scholar.
Rule 3: Be Prepared For Explosions At All Times
"What the hell! Scholar, why is an entire block of laboratories nothing but ash?"
She looked at him like he was an idiot. "I was working with dangerous chemicals when the TARDIS hit a bump in deep space. It wasn't the best of timing."
He was seething. "It took out my lab, and my research library, and my wardrobe room, and you don't even care! I can't believe you sometimes!"
"So?"
He let out a growl and stormed off, muttering.
Rule 4: Sometimes, Just Let It Go
"Scholar, are you shrinking a quantum-locked ring of Weeping Angels and turning them into a necklace?"
"Yes. Why? It's not as if they're going anywhere anytime soon."
"But...they've killed dozens of people and separated families for all eternity, and you're making them into a choker."
"I know. Fitting, isn't it? An utterly undignified end for a bunch of psychopaths."
He let it go. Later, once he wasn't so gobsmacked, he realized she had a point.
Rule 5: Don't Question The Clothes
"What...you can sew?"
"Of course I can sew! I make my own bulletproof fabric, and you think I can't sew? I'm just tatting lace with my name on it in Gallifreyan. Then I have to program the boots to my new shoe size, and stitch the buckles on. This outfit I'm making a bit more bulletproof."
The outfit in question was a silver corset over a violet lace shirt, purple and green striped pants, and her favorite boots. And, a re-sized headdress and wings.
"But...green-and-purple striped trousers?"
"I know. Aren't they marvelous!"
Sometimes, he wondered if he was the only sane Time Lord living.
Rule 6: Don't Let Her Talk To The Humans In A Crisis
"Apes! Get away from that, before you and your UNIT grunts blow it up. It may not look like much, but that could potentially wipe out all life on this backwards little planet, so shut up and move away!"
"Madam, I'm not sure what your qualifications are, but I am a general of the military branch of UNIT, and I will not be shouted at by a youngster with an attitude problem!"
He sighed. He had better intervene before they insulted her outfit.
"Sir, what my socially challenged friend means is that that device potentially, if it comes into contact with human DNA, will replicate a virus to remove them from the universe. She, as much as I hate to say it, is right. It would be best if we could get some gloves and throw it into a supernova."
"Thank you for your consideration, young sir. Why do you stick with her if she's always like this?"
He still hadn't figured out the answer to that question.
Rule 7: Don't Get On Her Bad Side
"Apelets, you'll be fine. Just follow the man over there into our magic tree, and we'll get you back to your families."
Sometimes, he forgot that she had a heart. She had a bit of a soft spot for scared children.
"Now, Messrs. Jones and Jennings, there is something you need to remember. Children, no matter what species, are under my protection. Don't mess with them. You have one chance to leave, before I get really angry."
"You, little girl? What are you going to do, cry? We don't need your chance," Messr. Jennings sneered at her.
"Maker, do you have all the children in the TARDIS?" I nodded as she continued,"That was exactly what I needed to hear. This, if it comes in contact with human skin, will flay each one of you alive. You won't even die then. It will take you weeks to slowly bleed to death, in unbelievable agony. Catch." She threw them each the ball that would do exactly what they described, then calmly walked into the TARDIS. She muttered, "I hate child-slavers."
As we got the children back to their families, I reflected on the fact that, sometimes, Scholar was absolutely terrifying.
Rule 8: Sometimes, Don't Even Bother Asking
He walked into her lab, where she was throwing spears that went through the wall. She looked up when she saw him and said, "Look, I invented imaginary spears that people can see!"
He simply stared, walked out, and said, "I don't understand her sometimes."
Rule 9: She Isn't Infallible
She walked out of the TARDIS, saying, "Welcome to the safest planet in the universe. There isn't anything that can go wrong...aahhhhh!"
He looked down the precipice, to where Scholar was bobbing in the waves at the foot of the cliffs. She activated her wings and seethed, "I hate getting wet."
Only Scholar could find the safest planet in the universe and fall down a cliff.
Rule 10: Know How To Run, Fast
"Run, you idiot! Stop trying to examine the species that are trying to kill you, Scholar!"
She began to run, soon overtaking him. The Cybermen chasing them were no match for Scholar and Maker, partners in crime. She grinned at him as he let out a whoop.
Because, at least things were never dull with Scholar.
AN: If you like this oneshot, review!