"No Thank You, Sam"
(A spoof of Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and Ham" featuring my OC character, Tommy, with the Glee kids, based off an inside joke from a role playing story…and because you knew it had to be done. Copyright 1988 Beginner Books and Seuss, as well as the owners of Glee)
To set the scene: Tommy and the other Glee students sit around, arguing over Kurt's diva storm out. Brittany, confused by Kurt saying that he thinks Sam and Tommy would sound great together in a duet, tries to get Tommy to kiss Sam…
Brittany: SAM!
Sam: GAH! *startled* What?
Brittany: You are Sam!
Sam: I am Sam…uh, Sam I am?
Tommy: *grumbles* That Sam-I-am! That Sam-I-am! I do not like that Sam-I-am!
Brittany: *sad and confused* Don't you like Sam-I-am?
Tommy: What are you, stu-*looks at her* Oh, right. Well, I do not like that Sam-I-am. I do not like him as a man.
Brittany: Well…Would you like him here…*pushes Sam off to the side* or there?
Tommy: I would not like him here or there. I would not like him anywhere. Britt, I do not like him, he's not my man. I do not like that Sam-I-am.
Brittany: Would you like him at your house? *puts at Mickey Mouse hat over Sam's head* Or, what about as Mickey Mouse?
Tommy: I do not want him in my house. I do not like him as a mouse. I do not like him here or there. I do not like him anywhere. I do not WANT him as my man because I do not like that Sam-I-am!
Brittany: If we put him in a box? Wouldn't you eat that super-fox?
Sam: *starts to look worried*
Tommy: *blushes* Not even in a box is he EVER a super-fox!
Sam: Hey, that's offensive-
Tommy: *continues* Not in my house. Not as a mouse. I would not want him here or there. I do not want him anywhere. I have my own super-fly man. I do not like that Sam-I-am.
Brittany: *persistent in her stupidity* Would you? Could you? In a car? Eat him! Eat him! He'll go far! *pushes a freaked-out Sam closer to Tommy*
Tommy: *freaks out as well* NO! I would not, could not, in a car!
Brittany: You may like him, you will see. You may like him under a tree!
Tommy: *scoots farther and farther away from Brittany and Sam* I would not, could not under a tree. Not in a car! You let me be! I do not like him in a box (unless it's pine, that is)
Sam: Morbid, dude!
Tommy: He totally is NOT a super-fox. I do not want him in my house. I do not think he's Mickey Mouse. I only want him far over there, since I do not like him anywhere. I do not want him as my man. I do not like that Sam-I-am!
Brittany: A train! A train! A train! A train!
Sam: What are you on today?
Brittany: Could you, would you, on a train?
Tommy: NO! Not on a train! Not in a tree! Not in a car! Britt! Let me be! *pleads then, when he realizes she isn't going to back off, takes a deep breath* I would not ever in a box. I like it tight, but he's no super-fox. I will not believe he's Mickey Mouse. I will not let him in my house. I will not like him here or there. I will not like him anywhere. I already have an awesome man. I do not want that Sam-I-am.
Brittany: *thinks for a second* Say! In the dark? Here, in the dark! *flicks off the lights* Would you, could you, in the dark?
Tommy: *scandalized* I would not, could not, in the dark!
Brittany: *disappointedly flicks the lights back on* Well, would you, could you, in the rain? *looks hopefully up at the sprinklers*
Tommy: No…I would not, could not, in the rain. Not in the dark. Not on a train. Not in a car. Not in a tree. I do not like that, Sam, you see. *says that gently, trying to explain to her* Not in my house. Not in a box. Not as a mouse. He's so not a fox. I will not like him here or there, I will not like him anywhere.
Brittany: You…You do not like Super-Sam?
Tommy: *shake his head* I do not like that Sam-I-am.
Brittany: *pouts, then perks up* Could you, would you with a goat?
Tommy: What? No, I would not, could not, with a goat! Where did THAT come from?
Brittany: Would you, could you, on a boat?
Kurt: *who came back because he forgot his scarf and has overheard the whole thing, pops out of his hiding spot and defends Tommy's honor* He could not, would not, on a boat. He certainly will not with a goat! He will not kiss him in the rain. He will not take him on a train. Not in the dark! Not in a tree! Not in a car! You let him be! He will not like him in a box. He knows he's not a super-fox. He will not let him in his house. And no one thinks he's Mickey Mouse. He does not like him here or there. He does not like him ANYWHERE! He does not LIKE Sam-I-am, for it is clear that I'M his man!
Brittany: You do not like him, so you say. Try him! Try him and you may. Try him and you may, I say. *pushes Sam up against Tommy…both boys look extremely uncomfortable*
Tommy and Kurt: Britt!
Tommy: If you will let me be, I will try him, you will see. But first, you have to close your eyes!
Brittany: *closes her eyes, giggling excitedly*
Tommy, Kurt and Sam: *share worried looks*
Sam: *whispers loudly* We have to do something to get her off this!
Kurt: * whispers back* I have a plan…*grabs Tommy and kisses him loudly*
Sam: *loud, fake happy voice* Oh, Tommy! You are SUCH a good kisser!
Tommy: *just as loud, as fake, and as happy* Say! He is not such a bad man! I guess I like that Sam-I-am! And while I'm not sure I would kiss him in the rain, or in the dark, or on a train, or in a car, or under a tree…I know that he's so good, so good, you see! I might not put him in a box, or believe that he's a super-fox, or ever let him in my house, or think that he's some sort of mouse, or even want him over here, but I'll always remember him everywhere! So, I guess I like the little twit…Thank you! Thank you, Super Britt.
Brittany: *cheers happily*
Tommy: …uh, Britt? Brittany? You don't have to keep your eyes closed…you can open them again…
Sam: *sighs and leaves, shaking his head*
-FIN-