A/N – This is a story about Somalia, and therefore it is not a pleasant story to read, or to write. But, my mind is giving me things and when it goes I must write! This is an M rated story for a reason.

Chapter 1 - The Biggest Mistake

Tel Aviv, Israel

Ziva POV

I watched him walk away from me. My first question to myself was: am I doing the right thing? My father just made me pick, again, where my loyalties lie. Eli David did not like when people were disloyal to him, he had made that very clear to me from a very young age. He felt as though I had been disloyal to him by betraying Rivkin. I had not actually betrayed Rivkin, but a part of me felt as though Rivkin betrayed me and now I had no idea who I could and could not trust.

Yes, I knew the truth about Rivkin and I had suspected that from early on. But, it still hurt to know that he was using me to help my father. I had expected better from him. I had always expected better from a man that I had feelings for. My emotions had gotten in the way and clouded my judgment once again. Were they clouding my judgment now, as I stood on the tarmac to the air field in Tel Aviv and watching Gibbs walk away?

I always chose wrong and a part of me knew that I was choosing wrong again. But, I wanted desperately to believe that my father was good; that there was a piece of him that loved me like I was still his little girl again. I had always gone looking for my father's approval, not having gotten it often as a child or a teenager. I needed to have my father's approval. I had not had my father's approval in trusting NCIS, ever. But, they were trustworthy people. Now, I had to go and seek my father's approval so I could hopefully return to them one day.

I knew that I had to find a way to return to them one day, because it hurt too much to watch them walk away now and think that I might never see them again. Gibbs, had been the father-figure that I had been lacking all of my life. It had started with the very first time that I had met Gibbs. He gave me advice and he gave me support the way that my own father never would.

McGee was like a brother. I could tease him and pick on him, the way that Ari and I used to do. But, I definitely trusted McGee. He wanted what was best for me and he was protective of me. That had not always held true, though. That had developed during my four years at NCIS. He had grown on me, I think the term was. He was now a brother when before he had just been a Federal Agent that I worked with. The transformation was not obvious at the time, but as I thought about him, I could see where it had changed and grown.

Abby was like a sister to me. I cared for her in the same way that I cared for Tali, when Tali was still alive. Abby was everything to me, but again, she had not always been that way for me. When I had first come to NCIS she resisted my presence, and was still too hurt by the loss of Kate too accept a new female team member. I knew that her and Kate had been close, but now we were too. She would be very sad when I did not return with Tony and Gibbs.

I would miss Ducky very much as well, and his stories. He always had a story. He was very much like a grandfather, I assumed, since I had never known any of my grandparents. I was raised in Mossad, and people did not live long in Mossad. I was lucky to still be alive, for that matter. Many people in Mossad who were my age were dead already. But, Ducky would be one to mourn and I was mourning already as I watched the back of Gibbs as he started to climb onto the plane, giving me one last look.

Tony, though. There was always something about Tony that was different for me. He was my partner. He was significant to me in a way that no man had ever been significant. Sure, we were friends, but we were partners too. He knew me the way no other man could have ever known me. He could read me with one look in my eyes and he always teased and toyed with me. I liked that. I valued that relationship.

It had been strained over the last several months that I was with Rivkin. He did not trust Rivkin, but he always trusted me. He always had my back. He had suggested that it was Rivkin manipulating me and not me helping Rivkin. I had not, of course, been helping Rivkin to harm NCIS. I loved NCIS. It was my home. They were my family. I realized in that moment that I made the wrong choice, but it was already too late to turn back from it.

Seeing the look on Tony's face as he looked out from the plane was too much. I nearly broke down. I would never see his face again. I would never hear his goofy movie references or his ridiculous jokes that I had pretended annoyed me to now end. I thought of him as something more than a friend. Perhaps he was my best friend in the whole world. I trusted him, certainly. Why had I told Gibbs that I did not trust this man? I did trust him. I wanted to shout it out.

I was angry now, but I was also hurt. I was hurting my family and leaving my real home to seek my father's approval once more. It was not something that I would be able to deal with easily, but now that I had made this decision I had to stick firmly to it and do what had to be done.

I could feel a tear drip from my eye as Gibbs disappeared from my sight and I looked into the eyes of Tony from the plane. I wanted to run to them and apologize for what I had said and escape from this place. Israel was not my home anymore, it was just the place that I had been born and raised. Yes, it would always be a part of who I was, but it was not my home.

How could I be so stupid? I shook my head. I had to fight here, for what I wanted, because I had made a choice. It was a stupid choice. But I made a choice. I had to do what Eli wanted me to do and I had to do it so that I could hope that one day I would see these people that I loved again.

Did I love all of them? Certainly, yes I did. It was all in very different ways. Gibbs, my father. McGee, my brother, Abby, my sister. Ducky, my grandfather. But, Tony? Did I love Tony? Yes. But what did I love him as. My best friend. My partner. My coworker. But, not a brother, certainly not a brother. As I thought about it I could feel the pain in my heart. Tony was more than all of that and I was going to deny it until the very end. I could never let myself feel that way about another man, certainly not a man who used women for sex. I would not be one of his women, that was for sure. I was going to resolve that he was my best friend and nothing more. That was it.

The door to the plane closed and I still stood there. My father would be disappointed in me still standing there and dwelling on the past. It was not like me to dwell on things, because my father had raised me to let go of such things. But, I could not help it, since this was my last goodbye to my family. That was something that my father never understood. He did not know that I had a family at all; since he had never really been a part of the family that he had created.

I was certainly very angry now. I watched the plane take off. The engine started and it was loud, but I did not care. I resolved to stand there until I could not longer see the plane that carried them back to Washington, my home. The plane sat still for another moment as the engines roared out on the tarmac.

Slowly, very slowly the plane started to go. It rolled off at less than a walking pace and slowly sped up to the speed of a car on the highway. It turned a corner to get on the runway and I watched it as it began to pick up speed. It sped faster and faster. The front end of it lifted, as though it was levitating right off the ground, then the back end followed and it went into the air, seemingly weightless.

I watched it grow smaller and smaller in the distance until I could no longer see it again, and still I stood there. I was sure my father would realize that I was lingering on old memories by now, but I did not care. My eyes were wet and I pushed the tears back. Crying was definitely a sign of weakness and the only person I could really let go in front of was Gibbs and he was on that plane that was getting further and further away from me as I sat there, waiting. What was I waiting for?

I felt a hand grip my shoulder hard and I knew who it belonged to. I was not going to give in so easily and turn around. This man was my father. I really forced back my emotions and swallowed the as best I could, because I knew that I would have to turn to face him sooner or later.

When he spoke, his words were gentle, but they were as commanding as ever. I should have expected nothing less from my father. He waited a moment before speaking and when he did, I was expecting what I got.

"You have to let them go, Ziva," he said gently. "You let them go and you must prove your loyalty to me. I will send you as the replacement for Rivkin on a very important mission. You will be going to Somalia to take down a terrorist. I will give you the orders first thing tomorrow morning and you set out that evening for your mission. Come, Ziva."

I turned and followed him. He was going to lead me to a place where I could rest and sleep for the night. I already had a mission and I had been back in Israel for less than twenty four hours.

There was a great weight of dread in my heart. I knew that this was not going to be an easy mission. I had betrayed my father and I knew that whoever I was put with, I would not be able to trust. I, hopefully, would have a partner or two, since it was going to be an impossible mission, since I had betrayed my father.

I sat down and placed my head in my hands. I was at a loss. I pulled out a piece of paper. I would write to each member of the team and let them know how much I appreciated everything they had done for me. I would send them out before leaving for the mission tomorrow night. It was the least that I could do.