A/N: So, give me a bit of a break here, as this is my first fic, so it might not be that good. But anyway, this is set after Countdown.

Summary: Castle struggles with conflicting feelings and beckett isn't doing much to help.

Disclaimer: Not mine, but one can dream right?

Climbing under the fort of blankets that he has formed on top of himself, Castle slowly borrows deeper, still trying to find the warmth that they are suppose to provide, but to no avail. He lays in front of his fire place that was put in merely for decoration, hoping that the dance of the flames would lull him to sleep. But after the last 48 hours, he doesn't find it surprising that he is still wide awake after 4 hours of trying.

Letting his mind wander the last two days, he plays scenario after scenario out in his over-imaginative mind, the scenarios ranging from the murder just being a run of the mill mugging gone wrong, to the bomb being nothing more than a CIA field test. His body was hit with a sudden sting when he remembered when the last time he saw his partner was, in the arms of some one else.

He didn't need to wonder where she was tonight. He was fairly certain where she was, and what she was doing, even though it sent a sinking, hopeless feeling through him.

As long as she's happy, that's all that counts. He told himself, but was immediately hit with the feeling of loss, knowing that it wasn't him that was making her happy. He fruitlessly tried to shake the images of her curling into the arms of another man he knew the face of all to well.

Why didn't I just ask her over, instead of chickening out... again! He had beaten himself up over lost opportunities before, with Kyra, with Gina, but it was somehow different with Kate. He kicked himself harder, yelled at himself louder, doubted himself more when he let a chance slip through his fingers because he was scared.

So lost in self loathing thought, he didn't hear the first knock on the door.

He's a doctor, he's generous, he's handsome, he's passionate about his job, why wouldn't she love him?

The second knock he heard, and looked over towards the door before dislodging himself of the blankets that lay piled on him to go answer it. Not at all in the mood to entertain whomever was on the other side of his door, he flung the door open and his stomach jumped up to where it had been resting low in his body.

"Hey," came the low voice of his partner, almost as if afraid to speak louder that the squeak of a mouse.

"Hey, Beckett, I uhh... I wasn't expecting you tonight." He said taking in her appearance. She looked tired, to say the least. She wore a pair of loose fitting sweat pants that bunched at the bottom of her Adidas clad feet, and a thick wool dark green sweater that looked like it had weathered more than it's fair share of harsh winters. Her hair looked like it was damp, but just starting to dry, but the ends clinging to her sunken shoulders.

"I know, I... I shouldn't have dropped by unannounced. I'll just go." She turned to walk back down the hall but was pulled back to the sound of his soft voice amending what he had just said.

"No, I didn't mean... look, you came all the way down here, the least I could do is invite you in." She turned back to him and hesitantly stepped inside, instantly hit with a have of heat as the temperature in the room felt as if it was in the mid nineties.

"It's a little warm in here." She said, looking around the loft, and trying to assess what he had just been doing, and by the looks of it, he was trying to get warm.

"Yeah, I guess I just can't shake off the cold." He said as he made his way to slowly follow her path leading to the center of the room.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." She responded flatly as she turned around, her gaze set downward.

"Do you want anything to drink? Coffee, tea, hot chocolate maybe?" He said walking toward the kitchen, ready to get her what ever she asked for.

"Uhh, no, I'm good thanks." She said finally looking up to him with grateful eyes.

"You sure? It's been a hell of a couple of days." He quirked, ending with a slight chuckle.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She said, coming to sit up on one of the stools that lined the island of the kitchen.

He looked away for a moment, thinking of what to say next, as she didn't really say what she wanted, or what she was doing here.

"Can't sleep?" He asked, already knowing the answer, but hoping she would explain.

"No, I can't get my mind off the last few days. It's just been a little stressful."

"A little?" He said, interrupting her. "Beckett, after what we've just been through, I think it's safe to say that you can be a little stressed." He finished.

She looked up to him and saw the slight smile that played across his lips. She let out a small chuckle before she spoke, "Yeah, I guess you're right." She looked down again at her fidgeting fingers.

"So uh..." He began, unsure if he wanted to broach the next subject or not.

"Where's Josh?" He asked in what he hoped at a tone that said he was just curious.

"On shift at the hospital." She said with a hint of remorse in her voice.

"Oh... I just thought that since, well, never mind." He decided to leave his train of thought unspoken, decided that she probably didn't come here to discuss her boyfriend with him.

Knowing what he was thinking, she nodded and finished the thought for him. "Yeah, me too. He said that since he called off his trip, the hospital called him in for the night, and the rest of tomorrow."

"I'm sorry." he said flatly with no real feeling behind the statement. If he was being truly honest with himself, he was glad that Josh had left her alone, tonight of all nights, because that meant that she wasn't as invested in her relationship with him as he thought she was.

"I'm not." She spoke after a minute or two of silence.

Deciding to pursue the meaning of the statement, he spoke. "Why's that?"

"He got the call right as we got into my apartment, he looked down at his phone after he hung up, and said that he had to go, said that he was sorry, and then he left. Not even an 'I'll be back later' or 'Do you want me to stay?' just sorry, and he was out the door. What got to me was I wasn't even surprised. I just stood there, waiting for him to come back through that door, for him to call me, or text me saying that he would get off as soon as he could and come be with me, but he never did."

Castle stood there, leaning on his clenched fist, hiding his anger toward the doctor under the fake look of pity he had put on. Josh's actions didn't surprise him either, but instead gave him hope that maybe she would come to listen to what he hoped were her senses and end it with him.

"Kate, can I ask you something?" He asked, almost afraid of her answer.

She looked up to him and nodded, giving him permission to speak that she felt weird giving him, seeing has he always just blurted out what ever was on his mind, regardless of the situation or setting.

"Why are you with him?" He asked, but kicked him self because it sounded more like an accusation than anything else. Seeing the disbelief and shock that quickly made its way across her face, he amended himself.

"I didn't mean... It's just... yesterday you seems so happy when he showed up, but now he's gone off, back to work, with out a second thought, and left you alone when you needed someone there." He knew that once he said it, that this conversation would turn into something that neither of them were ready for.

She looked at him for a long moment before giving in and sinking lower into the stool. With a heavy sigh, she spoke. "I don't know anymore." Her tone quiet, almost a whisper.

"Anymore?" He inquired.

"I thought I knew yesterday. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I was actually his main concern. I thought that maybe we had a chance to start fresh, that maybe he wouldn't be gone so much, and we could spend more time together. But after tonight, I just don't know anymore."

He stood there, listening intently to her reasoning, staying silent, waiting for her to continue. When she never did, he continued with his line of questioning, still a little unsure of himself. "So why stay with him? I mean, if him trying to be there is as good as him not being there at all, then why hang onto a false hope?"

"I thought that if I held on long enough that he would change."

"Kate, if there is anything I learned from 2 failed marriages, it's that a relationship isn't about change, it's about accepting who the other person is and... loving them anyway."

She looked at him, deciding to ignore the last part of what he had just said and quirked "You cannot tell me that your two marriages haven't changed you at all."

"I never said they didn't, but it's what they taught me that has changed me." He said, not really ready to delve into why his two marriages had ended.

"And what's that?" She asked, almost accusing him of something.

With a heavy sigh, he stepped back, jumped up to sit himself down on the counter behind him and looked down at the tile on the floor. "Meredith and I had been dating for about six or seven months before she came to me one night, saying that she was pregnant. I could hear the sorrow in her voice. To her, having a baby meant that the party was over. She was about two months pregnant when we got married. She wanted to go all out, and pretend that everything was fine, that we were getting married because we were madly in love and wanted to show it to the rest of the world, when the reality of it was that we got married because we, or at least I, felt like I had to. Alexis was born and everything seems to be going great for a few months. But then, Meredith would start coming home later and later, sometimes drunk. She said she was just having a little fun. But after a while, it got out of hand."

He mentally braced himself for what he was about to admit. It was not something he ever boasted about, and the only other person the ever told was his mother. With a heavy sigh, he continued.

"One night, after a publishing meeting got cut short, I came home to she sound of Alexis crying her lungs out, and Meredith on the couch, stradlling her casting director." The sound of a sharp gasp didn't phase him and he continued with this gut wrenching tale. "I tossed her her shirt, told her to get out because I had to take care of my daughter. She tried to explain but I just walked off, closed the door to Alexis' bedroom behind me and tried to calm her down. I didn't know how long she had been crying, but the fact that Meredith didn't care enough to get off of her director and take car of her was enough for me to draw the line."

She had always thought that the cause of his failed marriages was him and his partying lifestyle. But finding out that it was her, made her gut sink, feeling terrible for judging him. The curiosity rose in her and she found herself unable to fight the urge to ask. "What about Gina?"

He let out a small puff of a breath that she guess was suppose to resemble a chuckle and he recounted why his marriage with Gina had failed.

"After I left Meredith, and took Alexis with me, I plunged myself into writing, and Gina was there. She was always telling me how sorry she was, how she wanted better for me, and I mistook her pity for love. We started seeing each other and after a while, I guess we just both decided that getting married was a logical step. But after the glow wore off, I found that I married her to try and prove to myself that I had a second chance. We started fighting a lot, about seemingly nothing, and after a while, I decided that I didn't want Alexis growing up in that kind of environment. So we just sort of agreed to get divorced. We decided that we would still work together. But the bitterness was always there, even after we tried again over last summer."

She sat there, repeating the empty gesture he offered her. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be, it's in the past." He said blankly, not looking up on the crack in the tile he decided to focus on.

"Castle, I know better than anyone that the past can hurt." She said trying to make eye contact with him.

"Yeah, I know you do." deciding to make eye contact for what seems like the first time that night. They shared a small smile before finally breaking eye contact.

"You still cold?" He asked as he got up to readjust the heat.

"Not really anymore. It is pretty warm in here." She said looking around the empty loft one more time.

"Do you want me to turn it down?" He offered, but she declined, deciding that if he turned down the heat, she would just get cold again. She sat there for a few minutes, while Castle went about fidgeting with the black sweat pants that loosely hung on his hips.

"Look Castle, I never got a chance to thank you... for this afternoon. I don't know what I would have done with out you there with me." She said looking at his fidgeting fingers.

"Probably the same thing I did, Kate." He said with a shrug. But she shook her head, and got up to come around the island to stand in front of him.

"Castle, you saved a lot of lives today. You probably prevented the next world war." She said trying to make him realize what he had done today, because he obviously didn't.

"This may come as a shock to you, but I don't feel like much of a hero right now." He said still looking down at the tile.

"Why's that?" She cocked her eye brows to form a frown, hoping that her tone came across as honest curiosity.

"Well, I just stood there, watched the time tick down, grabbed your hand, and you looked at me with eyes that said to me 'this is it, there is nothing we can do to stop it' and I couldn't let it end that way. So I just grabbed the wires and yanked, not really thinking the action through. But when it was over, and you threw your arms around me, but when we got back to the station it was like... I don't know."

Completely lost on where his train of thought was headed, she refused to let it go. "No, what?"

He sighed and decided to just let her have it. "When we were at the precinct, I thought that maybe, we could be there for each other after this mess was over, and talk through it. But then I saw Josh coming up from behind you and was reminded that it wasn't my place. So, when I saw him wrap his arms around you, and saw you curling into him, I knew that I was fooling myself."

She was shocked, to say the least, she knew he was more open about things than she was, but this was a level of openness that he had not yet shared with her. She went on though, ignoring her usual voice that told her to shut up in situations like this and spoke, "Fooling yourself?"

"Well, yeah. I thought that... just maybe, after what we had been through, we had a chance. But seeing that you wanted a second chance with him yesterday, and then today, seeing you clutch your fists into his jacket this afternoon at the precinct, just said to me that you didn't..." he let the words fall away, unwilling to finish.

She then realized she had been inching forward, for the last minute or so, but didn't stop and she spoke softly. "...didn't what?"

His shoulders sunk lower as he continued "...didn't feel the same way I did."

Her heart sank, she knew he felt something, but this admission made it real. With her heart thundering in her ears the only sound she could hear, she began, what she thought was a mistake.

"Castle, never, as anyone risked as much as you have for me." With that statement, he looked up with red eyes, and tears threatening to spill.

"Castle, you have dove on me while being shot at more times than I could count, you ran towards my apartment knowing that it had explosive in it, you ran into a burning building, not knowing whether or not it was structurally sound, whether or not I was dead, with nothing more than the clothes on your back and a small hope that I was alive. You took me in, gave me shelter when I was homeless, and didn't ask for anything in return. You gave away a hundred thousand dollars of your own money for a shot at catching my mothers killer, and didn't even bat an eye lash when you found out that he got away. You stood next to me and help me hand as we watched a dirty bomb powerful enough to wipe out ten blocks counted down to it's last seconds, you held me in your arms as we were freezing to death in the back end of a warehouse. You beat a trained killer unconscious with your bare hands because he had his sites trained on my head. How could you possibly think that I don't feel anything for you!" Her tone turning from stating the facts to anger by the end.

He had his eyes trained on her as she spoke, his heart rate increasing with the volume of her voice. His head was spinning at what she had just admitted. This was Kate Beckett! She didn't ask help from anyone, she was strong, she was independent, but her she was saying that she probably wouldn't be alive if it weren't for him.

"Beckett, you don't have to..."

"No, Castle!" She came up to him and gripped his T-shirt with her hands and clenched it, wringing the fabric in her fingers, and looked him in the eyes as she spoke. "Don't you ever, EVER, doubt my feeling towards you, Richard Castle! You have given up so much for me that I can't even begin to wonder why you do it. But the only reason I keep coming up with is that you feel something for me. And I will NOT let you believe that your feelings are one sided!"

She was choking on tears now as she drew in a shuddering breath before speaking again.

"Don't you DARE say that I don't feel anything for you, Rick!"

As shell shocked as he was by what she just said, he couldn't stop himself from grabbing her hips and yanking her toward him, and crashing their lips together. Releasing her fists from his shirt and moving them up to his hair and clenching once again, she made sure he didn't relent in his assault on her lips. As they finally broke apart, panting and out of breath, they rested their foreheads together and closed their eyes. It was a long moment before one of them spoke.

"Kate, we can't... we shouldn't do this." Her heart sank once again at his words, not knowing where this had come from.

"But..."

He simply shook his head. "Kate, you're shaken, your vulnerable, and I don't think your thinking clearly."

"How can you say that?" She accused.

"It's kind of hard to believe that your choosing me." He admitted, and hating himself for saying it as soon as it left his lips.

"Why?" she asked, moving back to clench his shirt in her fists.

"Because to anyone else, you're dating superman, and I'm just Clark Kent, the guy writes about it."

"Castle... I..." She tried, but to no avail.

"You should probably go, call me in the morning." He told her, more than asked her as he removed his hands from her waist and went into his bedroom, and shut the door.

With tears running down her face, she silently took her leave of his loft, not knowing what to do next.