Lost Hope

Written by WickedSong

Disclaimer : I do not own Chaos Walking, just borrowing the characters for this so please don't sue me! :)

Note : While writing this, I listened to Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne and One Moment More by Mindy Smith. Both songs really inspired this and helped throughout.

It's over.

He's gone.

He isn't coming back.

There's no hope now, is there?

No, he lost the fight for his life. He lost and that hope that was so fragile, so contained has disappeared with him.

Hope has disappeared with my Todd.

We bury him, and nobody speaks, and I don't want them to speak anyway. No one could understand, no one else can comprehend what this means, no one knows how unfair it all-

Viola, Ben says through his Noise, placing a hand on my shoulder, everyone's waiting for you.

I shake my head, my arms crossed standing by the graveside. I used to think the idea of a grave, of a cemetary was disgusting and made no sense. Now Todd is in the ground, along with Maddy, along with Corrinne, along with everyone else who died for the stupid war-

This stupid war which I made worse-

This stupid war which I made worse when I made it personal-

Which led to this-

Now the idea of a cemetary, somewhere to remember those who had died didn't seem stupid or strange any longer.

It happened when I had been in the middle of reading Todd's mother's journal.

"Yer calling for me and I will answer," I remember reading, the words so familiar to me now, as I read them over and over that I could almost say them off by heart.

I hadn't left his side since he had been brought to the Pathways' End weeks and weeks and weeks ago that I had lost track of time. The settlers had arrived but I hadn't even talked to them yet - Todd was first priority.

When-

(I should have said 'if')

-he came back we could go to see them together, I hoped.

Yeah, I had hoped.

(I shouldn't have hoped)

I said those words and then he had a burst of Noise, like flashbacks and memories and colours and words and a string of Viola, Viola, Viola and I was so bloody hopeful. I had kept it all inside but it was all coming to the fore now, all this hope I had built up inside.

Then his Noise was gone-

And so was he but I didn't know it then-

(oh, I didn't know it)

He went still, and I thought it was just what had usually happened, when his Noise came and went as it pleased.

It wasn't until Ben ran in and looked at him that I knew something had happened, something had went terribly wrong.

I'm still not sure what it was that went wrong, what had happened, just that he was gone, my Todd was gone.

Here we are now, burying him and I can't help but think, wanting to break and I feel so much grief and anger and hate-

Yes, I hate 1017-

(who I refuse to call the Sky)

(who is the reason for this)

-who had to ruin everything, who had to exact his revenge on Todd, who put him into the Pathways' End-

Who raised my little hope only for it to be dashed again when Ben told me that Todd was gone, gone forever this time.

No hope left.

It ran out.

It had to have run out.

Todd and I - for all we had done - we just never could catch a break.

Viola, Ben repeats.

I ignore him again, as I kneel by the grave, a grave for a hero, for Todd.

The hero's not meant to die though, not like this.

Life has been a blur passing me by.

I'm not eating much-

(I don't have much of an appetite)

I'm hardly sleeping-

(because that's when I start thinking of him and I can't stop the thoughts)

Then I really lose it.

Wilf, Jane, Lee, Bradley, Ben, Mistress Lawson, the settlers, even Angharrad, they're all trying to reach me-

(but I don't want to be reached, I want to be alone)

Boy colt, Angharrad says to me, one of the days I feed her and she's upset, and she's remembering him, she's remembering Todd.

"I miss him too," I reply, as I stroke her mane fondly and I almost don't realise I'm gaining tears in my eyes.

I feel so numb, but so fragile, but so emotional all at the same time.

I am sorry, and it is not Ben's Noise that I'm hearing, no it is 1017 speaking.

Before I know it, I'm face to face with the Spackle leader and I don't care.

"You are not," I seeth.

I lost my one in particular too, he tells me, and I see the pictures of him with his one in particular, the Spackle term for soulmate, I think, and I'm angrier that he's showing me this because then it's harder to be angry with him but I still am.

"Todd didn't kill your one in particular," I forcefully say and I make to walk back to Angharrad but 1017 stops me again.

I know, he says, and I am sorry that I killed the Knife, that I killed Todd.

And it's the recognition that he has a name, and I have to stop myself from launching myself at the Spackle because that would endanger peace.

Todd died-

(Todd is dead)

-after trying so hard for peace, and I would hate myself a million times over if I was the one to stop the peace by making something personal again.

(it's my fault though)

I'm the one who made war personal before.

"Please leave me alone," I ask and even though Ben tells me that one day I won't hate 1017 as much as I do now, I can't see that happening.

(it's his fault)

(it's his fault)

(it's my fault)

I understand, 1017 says, but I am sorry.

And it's in my head, and it's in his, Todd dying, his clothes melting off, the scared Viola's coming off his Noise, his Noise saying that it shouldn't be happening here or now.

(but it did)

1017 is guilty, extremely guilty, and again, I don't bloody care about his guilt.

If-

(and I have to use the word 'if' now, no 'when' about it)

Todd had lived then I would have cared. We would have sorted this out.

It wouldn't be this hard.

Angharrad says, Boy colt, again, and I wipe a stray tear from my eye as 1017 walks away.

And I'm just hoping this gets easier day by day but I doubt it-

(hope never really did work out for me)

because Todd is never coming back-

(and I hadn't recognised that before)

something which I need to accept.

But I remember it's not always forever, it's not that I'm going to be parted from him forever.

It was like he said when he had stayed behind with the Mayor after he had defeated him before the Spackle began invading, before the last battle really began-

(I ain't parting from you again, not even in my head)

Hope was a thing that played with your heart, your emotions, your head.

I would have to live now, live for him.

Even if I had lost my own source of hope, my own bright light, my Todd, I would have to find something to hold on to.

And maybe that something was hope, if I could ever find some again.

*is ready for the barrage of anger that comes from killing Todd off for good*

This has been playing around in my head for a couple of days and when I started listening to Slipped Away and One Moment More I just thought to go with it.

Hope you enjoyed it, even if it is one of the saddest things I've ever written because I love Todd and in my head he does come back.

WickedSong x