Dear Diary,

I think I finally get it. The urge, the hunger, it's almost uncontrollable. I'm starting to respect Damon more for being able to put it in its place, for not letting it control him absolutely. For being able to let just enough of the terrible instinct in to function and survive without letting it consume him. It doesn't look like it, but the self-restraint that he shows, and the ability to not hate himself for it - it's self-preservation. I wasn't always ready to save myself as a human, but now it seems that there is so much more to live for. I might be able to entertain ideas I never thought I would if it means my survival. I don't have my whole life ahead of me, I already died. Now I have LIVES ahead of me. I can finally choose my own fate.

I'm so tired of apologizing. It's like everyone is so disappointed in me for not being "Elena" anymore. Why is it ok for them to have changed when they became vampires, but all the changes in me are just so depressing to everyone? It's like all their hopes and dreams of being connected to their own humanity were pinned on me. And I am just so tired of it all. All of the expectations and being told how I am, how I'll feel. I feel guilty for not being what they expect, what they need me to be. But I didn't ask for this, and I need to be able to find my own way through it without all the constant pressure and worry. Why can't they all just let me BE? I know they love me, and they are just trying to help and protect me, but I'm beginning to suspect that I'm stronger than all of them. Wasn't it me who starved for three days and then had her very first feed in the middle of a church full of people with a hunter literally waiting in the wings? And I stopped myself. No one had to pull me off of Matt.

So, yeah, I lied to Stefan. How could I not when he's just so full of guilt and regret and fear for me? I shouldn't have to be the one to break it to him that, no - I'm not human and never can be again. I shouldn't have to be the one to comfort him and Caroline through the tragedy of my own death. How is it possible that they can all be vampires and know about the violent urges and the bloodlust and the ever present desire to kill and still pretend like the only way it will change me is that I will have to adjust my diet? All of them except for Damon. I think he knows. I think he knows the feeling that in death, you can truly live in a way that was never an option as a human. Especially for someone like me, whose entire life was teetering precariously on the edge of death, at the mercy of the whims of others. So, no, Human Elena would never consider taking pleasure in others' lives being at the mercy of her own whims. But I'm not so sure how Vampire Elena feels about that yet… She's considering it. And that does scare me. It scares me that my un-life can only continue - literally - on the life-blood of others. It scares me that no matter how badly everyone wishes it weren't so, I am going to kill someone. But it mostly scares me that I think I can find a way to be ok with that. It scares me that I might be stronger than I ever thought I was, strong enough to come to terms with this horror.

Stefan scares me in a way I never thought he would. What I don't know is if Damon scares me the way he used to. Everyone says Damon is the dangerous one, always living in the in-between spaces of anti-hero and villain, reckless and impulsive and prone to violent outbursts. But he owns being a vampire in a way that gives me hope for myself. But Stefan and his denial and the way he can't live in the in-between spaces, the way he's either all purity and light or vile and degraded, that's what scares me now. Somehow, now, that seems more dangerous than Damon could ever be. After all those times I told Damon that he was horrible and wrong for his lack of value for human life, it might actually turn out that his way is the path to living with yourself as a vampire. I guess that's just something that a human can never really comprehend.

Being a vampire means being at war with yourself. A war between the reality of being the predator and the memory of being the prey. I don't know if I can ever win the war, but I don't think the losing battles have to be the spectacular defeats that Stefan makes them. You have to take your licks and keep soldiering on. Being human was like that, too. Oldest, deadliest vampire of all time wants to sacrifice you? Hold your head up and go to school. Only remaining parental figures die as a result of a blood sacrifice to break a curse? Get up, breathe, eat, sleep, and do it all over again. Love of your life ripping people limb from limb up and down the eastern seaboard? Make some chili, put your game face on, and go to a picnic. I wonder if Damon's time in the war as a human is what prepared him for this. Lord knows I just lived through two years of war, so maybe I'm better prepared, too. Maybe that's why I went to Damon for help - because he can accept the realities of war. He can accept that war turns you into something else and we don't exactly know what that something else is going to be. War makes you do things you never thought you were capable of doing.

Stefan thinks I betrayed him by lying, and you know, maybe I did. But I feel a little bit betrayed myself. Because I can see in Stefan's eyes all that he's not saying. I can see that he doesn't want to accept me like this, that he doesn't even want me to accept myself like this. If I don't hate myself for being a vampire, then I will fall off the pedestal of perfect human goodness and compassion that he so carefully erected for me. I feel betrayed because I don't think he can love me like this, and if that's true does that mean he ever truly loved me at all? Was I just a symbol of the human life he was robbed of? He can't even see me - it's like he can't look at me directly. I saw myself in the mirror. Drawn and pale with dark circles under my eyes and parched lips. And even when I told him something was wrong he just wanted a distraction, so we popped champagne and celebrated something that didn't even happen. And I let myself be distracted for a moment, but in the back of my mind I was wondering how the hell I was going to get through this without him. When he found out I went to Damon he was angry at me. He couldn't see that the compassion he so values in me was what made me lie, that I didn't want to destroy all the hopes that he had pinned on me. I didn't want his castle with Human Elena That Lives Forever to come crashing down and crush him in the rubble. But it did anyway.

I want - so badly I want - for our pure and uncomplicated love to continue. But reality is setting in, and the truth is when I chose him always was something I would deal with later. But now always actually means eternity. I don't know if Stefan can love me for eternity, not like this. And I love myself enough to know that I can't be with someone who doesn't accept me for who I am.