Rampage: Universal Domination
A/N: A parody of Rampage: Universal Tour and Rampage: Total Destruction. Boris the Rhino and Harley the Warthog traverse around the universe, destroying anything and everything in their way in order to save their fellow monster friends.
Warning: Rated T for destructive violence…and massive crude humor.
Gray Whale Takedown!
It was a perfect sunny day on the Gray Whale Cove State Beach, located in California. The waves were splashing along the beaches, the air was fresh and clean, and the heat was enough to give people a tan. It was absolutely perfect. A group of people were playing and swimming inside the water, not noticing any of the bubbles that appeared right under them.
"Hey, guys?" asked a pedestrian. "You see all these bubbles in the wa--"
The swimmer was suddenly dragged underwater, disappearing without a trace.
"Hey, Sammy? Where'd you go?" asked another person swimming.
A young female teenager was doing backstrokes when she suddenly slammed into a giant pointed rock…only it wasn't a rock. Behind the rock were a set of white, veiny eyes and a pair of ears…and head. The woman screamed…only to get sucked inside its mouth. The figure began to walk up on the beach and get larger and larger, until the behemoth revealed itself. It was a gigantic mutated rhinoceros, tall with grayish purple skin. A couple seconds later, a giant fat yellow warthog came out of the water, snorting like crazy. The warthog snorted loudly and the rhinoceros roared at the crowd of people on the beaches, causing them to run away.
"Why do people always run away from us?!" asked Boris.
"We're 50 foot tall monster that eat people and destroy things!" said Harley.
"…Oh."
Boris charged right into a medium sized building full of beach party-goers and college students on vacation. The building came down like a ton of bricks--literally--and Boris stood under the wreckage with his mouth open, swallowing all the bodies that fell down it.
Harley was busy kicking and throwing cars at other buildings, like another beach resort hotel.
"HEY! You just wrecked my Ferrari!!" yelled a pedestrian.
Harley simply looked down at the human who resembled a gnat in his eyes, and stomped on him. Harley ignored the pedestrians storming out of a tiny supermarket and simply kicked the building several times until it began to topple to the ground.
Boris was busy kicking fleeing cars and picking them up and throwing them at other buildings, not caring that other people were inside them at all. Boris swapped his giant hand at the ground and grabbed a few people, tossing them into his mouth like popcorn.
"Hey, Boris! I found a tourist trap!" said Harley.
"God, why do people make these things anyway? Just to feed us?"
"…Pretty much, yeah."
Harley punched down at a museum and broke it apart, revealing nearly 20 tourists inside. Boris and Harley started grabbing giant mouthfuls of human flesh, shoving them in their mouths like they were nothing. Now only a couple of buildings were left to demolish before Gray Whale Beach was taken out. Boris grabbed a cop car and threw it at another beach resort, blowing up a good portion of it.
"Hey! Salad!" yelled Boris.
Boris shoved his hand inside the room and ate the salad dish in one gulp. Some other college students fell out of the building to their deaths, while others on lower levels survived the fall.
"…Um…I'm gonna need backup." said the officer who just lost his cop car.
Harley kicked the police officer away into the ocean, making sure he didn't call for backup. He got on top of the beach resort and started jumping on it, crushing every floor. When half the building was demolished, all the support beams snapped and the whole building just fell to the ground, completely turned into rubble.
"Just one more!" said Boris.
A short blue police station was sitting on the beach, with several officers shooting at their hides through the windows, calling for air support.
"Where are those damn helicopters?!!" screamed one officer.
Boris roared so loudly that it created a sonic boom, shattering the officer's teeth and equipment, cracking the building and nearly wrecking it completely. Harley simply walked to it and flicked it with his finger. The police station instantly turned into dust.
"Wow that was fast. Not even three minutes and this city's destroyed." said Harley.
"That's great and all, but you think we should leave before the army gets here? I don't want to start our rampage getting blasted with tank shells and plane missiles."
"Okay, let's go rest in that park a couple miles from here."
Harley and Boris ran away from the beach, their footsteps thundering as they took a step on the ground.
"Well, that was a good fuel boost!" said Harley.
Boris groaned and held his stomach. "I think I ate too fast man…"
"Aw, don't tell me you gotta use the bathroom again."
Boris groaned again and crouched down. He started grunting hard until a loud steam of flatulence was heard, following by disgusting pooping sounds. Boris was defecating right in the middle of the park.
"You couldn't wait until I got far away before you did that?! And you know we always use the lake as our bathroom! Man, it stinks! How many humans did you eat?"
Boris groaned. "A little too many. But hey, at least I feel completely recharged now!"
Harley turned away, trying not to look or smell Boris pooping on the ground.
"So…what's our next step? Are we gonna get George outta jail first? Icky? Venus? Who?"
"It doesn't matter. We're gonna sniff out the nearest jail and head straight towards it, destroying any city in our path."
"Let's go to San Francisco next. I hear they got this operations building that tracks extraterrestrial stuff, like X-Files or something. The last thing we need is to be locked up by alien hunters."
"I agree. Next stop: San Francisco!"