What about the Name Linda?

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A missing scene (or two) from the first season episode "The Undergraduate",
written by David P. Harmon.

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Note: The scene between Jan and Alice, and the scene between Alice and Mrs. Brady are taken straight from the episode.
The rest of the story comes from my imagination, even though of course I don't own The Brady Bunch (apart from the dvd set and 1 cd :-)

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A quick recap:
Greg is suffering from his first infatuation, with a girl named Linda.
Mum, Dad and Alice would like to help the two to get together,
but they have no idea who this Linda is – there is no Linda in Greg's yearbook.
So Alice decides to try and worm the truth out of the other kids
by way of subtle interrogation...

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"What do you think about the name Linda?"

Jan looked up. "What did you say?"

"I said, what do you think about the name Linda?"

The two swings swung back and forth twice in a synchronous movement before Jan's answer came. "Why?"

Alice had a pseudo casual shrug. "Because."

"Because why?"

A sigh. "Jan, will you stop answering my questions with your questions?"

It was Jan's turn to shrug. "Okay."

"Now – how do you feel about ehm... Linda for a girl's name."

Silence. Jan just stared at Alice with a frown – her brain was obviously struggling to connect the dots. Until – suddenly – it clicked. "Mum's going to have a baby...!"

"Wait a minute, wait a minute... Come back here!"

But Alice's attempt to redress the misconception came way too late: an exhilarated Jan had already raced back to the house and barged into the kitchen. "Mum!"

"Where's the fire?"

"Oh Mum!"

Mrs. Brady only just managed to put down the coffee-pot as she staggered back in her daughter's impetuous embrace. "Jan, what's the matter?"

"I'm so, so happy!" Jan proclaimed breathlessly. She beamed indeed as she looked up at her Mum. "It's going to be great, you'll see!"

"Well, if it makes you this happy, I'm sure it will be. But what happened?"

"Alice just told me. But don't you worry – we'll help you with everything: bathing and feeding and dressing and..."

"Bathing and feeding and... Jan!" Mrs. Brady pushed back her daughter a little to be able to look at her. "What in the world are you talking about?"

"The baby of course! Oh, I..."

"What baby?"

"Our baby! And I think Linda is quite a pretty name. Is that what you and Dad have picked for a girl? Oh, can we please come up with some names, too, for you to choose from? Or better still: can we help choose the names? I mean, we're not little kids anymore, like I was when Cindy was born. So..."

"Jan...! Jan!"

"What?"

"We're not having a baby!"

That was a cold shower on her enthusiasm. "We're not?"

"We're not," her mother confirmed.

"But Alice said...?"

"I don't know what Alice said, and I don't care what Alice said – we're not having a baby!"

It took a moment for her to digest that. "Why not?" came her question at last – it sounded halfway like an accusation.

She got an incredulous look. "Why not?! Jan, we already have six children in this family. Don't you think that's enough?"

"Well... yeah, but... we don't have any kids that are really yours and Dad's. From both of you, I mean. Isn't that the whole point of marriage – that you can have kids together?"

"It is – when you're twenty-two. But honey, your Dad and I already had a family each when we decided to get married. We wanted to get married to make one whole family out of two half families. Not to start a whole new family."

Jan's forehead creased into a worried frown. "I thought you said you wanted to marry him because you loved him?"

Her mother's expression softened. "I do. I love him very much. And making one whole family out of our two half families was simply a pleasant side-effect. And it's working out fine, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is, but... if you really love him so much, then why don't you want to have a baby from him?"

"Because..." Mrs. Brady let out a sigh of exasperation. "We already have six kids, and we've got our hands full with you lot. Really, I can't even imagine taking care of an infant again, next to taking care of you all."

"But we can all pitch in to help," Jan persisted. "You know: bathing and feeding and all that. And Alice, too. You wouldn't have to do a thing!"

"Yeah, well, thanks for the offer, but I'm afraid the answer is still 'no'. We're not going to have a baby in this family."

"Are you sure? Really sure?"

"Positively."

"But maybe in a few years you..."

"I said, 'positively'. But if you don't want to take my word for it, why don't you ask your father." Hopefully his word on the matter carried more weight than hers apparently did.

However, Jan's face brightened instantly. "Alright, I will." And off she ran towards the den in a manner that did not bode well, Mrs. Brady thought.

And around the kitchen-door, Alice's guilty face peeked out. "Sorry about that," she mumbled. "You're right: being sneaky never pays..."

"Dad?"

"Yeah?"

Jan came into the room. "Can we please have a baby?"

Mr. Brady looked up from the draft he was working on. "Can we have a baby?"

Jan chuckled with embarrassment. "I mean you and Mum. Can you and Mum have a baby."

He raised an eyebrow. "Why – don't you think we have enough kids in this house?"

"No, but... you love Mum, right?"

"I most certainly do."

"So much that you wanted to marry her."

"Indeed."

"But... if you love her so much, isn't it, like... natural... to want to have a baby from her?"

Her father chuckled a little. "Well, normally yes. But six kids is already more than either your Mum or I ever aimed for, so... Don't misunderstand me," he added quickly. "We wouldn't want to miss any of you, and we love each and every one of you very much. But to add even more kids to the Brady Bunch – that's something your Mum and I ruled out even before we got married. Six kids is really enough - no additional kids included in our family planning!"

Jan's face fell a little. "But aren't you the least bit curious what a child would be like from you and Mum together? Besides, it wouldn't be any trouble. We kids can look after it – bathe it and feed it and all. We're old and responsible enough for that."

"Oh yeah? And what about the many hours you all spend at school? Or changing smelly nappies – who's going to do that?"

"We can take turns." Jan's face darkened. "But of course Marcia will monopolize all the good stuff, just because she's the eldest..."

Her father gave her a look. "Now don't you go accusing your sister of something she hasn't even done yet – and never will do either. Since we're not going to have a baby in the first place..."

Jan sighed. "Can't you at least give me tiny little gleam of hope that maybe...?" She let the sentence trail off hopefully.

"Well, that would have to be a truly gigantic 'maybe'," her father said. "Your Mum and I have both been through all that three times already. And while I will gladly admit that becoming a parent is one of the most beautiful experiences of life, we feel we've had our share. You just wait another ten, fifteen years and you'll be able to experience that miracle for yourself. Okay, pumpkin?" He patted her on the back. "Besides, if we were to have another baby..."

"Yeah?" Jan's eyes instantly lit up.

"I said, 'if'," her father tempered her. "And that's a very big 'if'. So if your Mum and I were to have a baby, can you tell me where we should put it up? There's no room left in this house for a nursery!"

"It could sleep in our room," Jan offered. "I'm sure it'd be no trouble."

Mr. Brady bit back a grin. "Are you now? Speaking from experience, I'm afraid I don't quite share your optimism there. But either way, your Mum and I are not planning on having a baby, so I guess that makes the question moot."

"How about an unplanned baby then?" Jan ventured as a final bid.

But now her father had had enough. "Out!" he ordered, with a commanding gesture towards the exit. "Enough with the baby talk. I've got work to do, young lady!"

And a dejected Jan went.

And Mr. Brady picked up his pencil and drawing tool again. But he didn't continue on the draft that was lying before him. Instead, he was staring out the window.

It really would be something though – a child conceived out of Carol and me together, he thought. Much as I love the girls because they are her daughters, to have a child together would be something really special. Kind of a crown on our love.

But he shook himself back to reality. Broken nights, smelly diapers – not to mention finding the means to send a seventh child to college when he hadn't even figured out how he was going to pay for six... Besides, he was quite content with three great sons and three lovely daughters. What else could a man possibly wish for?

He sighed, and turned back to his drawing. Better finish this before...

His train of thought halted. Suddenly, his mind's eye showed him an image of Carol – his Carol – in a hospital bed, lovingly looking down at a live little bundle in her arms. Crowding around her were the kids: Greg, and Marcia, and Peter, and Jan, and Bobby, and Cindy. They were all chattering in that hyperexcited manner, but a serene Carol looked up and found his eyes. "It's a boy, Mike. Let's call him Michael, shall we?"

Maybe...

Just maybe he should...

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The End