Weak.
That was something Jasper despised being most of all. It was cruel irony that he had been the strongest as a mere human. Oh yes, a bullet to the chest or being thrown from his horse could have easily killed him.
Yet thirst was foreign to him then.
As a human he had dreams, interests, ambition. He could sleep underneath the stars, idly dreaming of his future. The world was his to conquer; his dream coming true as he fought valiantly for the states he believed in.
Something to believe in.
It was ironic that humans held the key to happiness that vampires lacked. They had eternity at their hands yet little to believe in. Little by little their hopes and dreams would be chiseled away as they forgot or conquered them.
And at the end of the day, what was left?
After Maria had turned him he had been able to gorge himself on the blood of innocents. It was easy to ignore the pestering of that question when he threw himself into his thirst.
Satisfying that gave him purpose.
Hah.
At his lowest or his highest, Jasper knew that was a pathetic choice of purpose. Slowly the violence of feeding and continual war had eaten away at his soul until he stood at the very edge of madness.
Even after he went off on his own, peace had eluded him.
Until he met her, his salvation and his purpose.
Stopping into a diner and meeting the Cullen family had both been a blessing in disguise. Despite his weariness at the beginning, everything had fallen together. All of them had become his family, accepting him into the fold as easily as they had Alice. Like pieces of a puzzle they all fit together.
Except for the missing piece.
Edward's human.
His mate.
The mate that he had waited nearly a century for.
The mate who was his Singer, yet he had stubbornly resisted slaughtering her.
Unlike Jasper, his beloved brother.
Guilt surrounded him again. Curling about his legs and filling in his lungs it would drag him down to its shadowy depths. His chest burned as he fought for breath. Small ragged gasps would fall from his lips. His fingernails would dig against his tender palm.
If only he had been stronger-
If only he wasn't the weakest in the family-
If only he weren't so disappointed in himself-
If only he could be different-
Human.
And the worst, most shameful part of it all was that he could easily imagine how it would taste. Bella's blood would have easily coated his mouth; the sweet crimson sin relieving the burning in his throat. Finally, finally he would have been free from it. The never-ending burning - a deer's blood could only dull it so much.
To feel true satisfaction was something that he had been willing to kill for.
"Youngest major in the confederate army yet I couldn't resist my brother's mate", he whispered. His hands would move upwards; his face burying in them. Silently his frame would rack with unreleased feelings.
If there was one thing Jasper rarely did, it was allow himself to feel.
Being an empath simply didn't allow him to. To do so would be unforgivably selfish of him. Alice gave him purpose - and so her family was his family, their needs his as they were hers. Constricted by the need to maintain the peace of others, he couldn't allow himself to let them experience his. For a man who understood all emotions, he had never felt truly felt his own.
This was the gift he gave his family.
This was the defiant penance he bore.
Bringing his hands from his face, his lips would settle into a thin, firm line. Straightening his shoulders he would step towards the creek. Gazing down at the rushing, muddy water his keen eyes would pick out fragments of his appearance.
It was by habit that his hands roamed over the countless scars that littered his body. For each and every one he knew the story behind it. Once he had seen them as something wretched, marking the monster that he was. Yet Alice had lavished love upon each one, her tender kisses soothing the searing memory of each one.
Alice.
For her he wanted to act not a monster but a man. Adapting to the vegetarian diet, adapting to the regiment of human life, he had tried to become a man of flesh instead of one of stone. All that he lacked was a beating heart.
But as with all fairy tales when the clock had struck twelve and the last page had turned, the magic went away. Just like it had been still Bella's birthday party. The time had abruptly come when the charade had ended and masks had been cast off. Thirst had reared its ugly head.
That was why now when Jasper saw his scars, he saw his true self. The question was - was he a man parading as a monster or a monster parading as a man?
The answer wasn't lost to him.
Humanity was something that would always elude him, no matter how much he tried to grasp it. Always, always it would be just out of reach. A bitter laugh would sweep from his twisted lips.
Monster.
Here in the forest, only the scattering autumn leaves and burrowing chipmunks would know his secret.
His shame.
He didn't deserve her.
That was the brilliantly humiliating shame his soul carried.
His sweet, tender Alice. She had brought him into a life of redemption and love. All he had given her in return was the burden of his weakness, his tumultuous thirst and his poor circus acting as someone he wasn't. He wasn't a human, he was a mere shadow of one; a vampire.
Her belief in him had been the foundation of his strength.
Without her, he had nothing but weakness.
For that he would never forgive himself.
Fin.