A/N: Sooo, 'nother one-shot idea. When I really should be updating my chapter fics…um…sorry? Anyway, this has been bouncing around my head for awhile and I just had to get it out. Ser Cautherien is a character I wish was expanded upon. I wanted to give an insight into her thoughts and processes, and maybe give a little reason for some of her pain….
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age or any of the characters. Rights go to their respective owners.
Traitor. This word haunts me at every turn. Whore. Another word people are fond of throwing at me, the words piercing my proverbial armor and stabbing my very soul until it bleeds out, leaving an empty, soulless husk. My honor, my very pride, has been shaken.
The people of Ferelden say I am Loghain's puppet. I cannot disagree with them. That final battle at Ostagar won't leave me; my brain is always filled with images of the destruction, the utter tragedy of it all. I wonder; did I do the right thing? Did I betray my people, my country, all because of one man? But, how could I not? Loghain is like a god; his heroic deeds during the battle with Orlais are the thing of legends. The man is a hero, and like a father to me. Some believe I am more suited to be his daughter than Anora.
But, he does not act like he used to. His eyes seem darker; a crazed light shining within. He has performed…unspeakable acts as Regent. Is this the man I so looked up to, that I wanted to be with all of my heart? I have given Loghain everything; my honor, my duty, my strength…my heart. But, was I wrong. King Cailan is dead, having fallen at Ostagar. The Grey Warden Duncan also lost his life. So many dead, and everyone looks to us. Some see us as unsung heroes, but most believe us murderers; the scum on the bottom of boots.
I am a knight, and a damn good one at that. My sword is my pen, my shield, my way of life. But this sword has fallen so low. No longer does it perform the deeds of warriors; no, it only serves as a symbol of domination, tyranny. This, what I have become…it is not who I am. It pains me…especially knowing who exactly I have hurt. Reyn…
Many people believe me to be Loghain's right hand because of…my skill with my hands. I am Loghain's whore, apparently. Tch…they know nothing of me. I have not fallen that low. It was never about sex, or love between us. My heart has always beat for one person, and one only. Reyn…Cousland. The person my mentor, my…hero, destroyed. It was Howe who killed the Teyrn and his wife; but Loghain allowed it. Reyn…lost everything. She witnessed the massacre of all the people she had ever known, their blood painting the walls and staining her memories.
She was forced to become a Grey Warden, something Bryce would have never allowed. He loved his youngest too much; she was his pride and joy; the apple of his eye. But she did; and then she was betrayed for a second time. I…I stood by, like a good little Mabari, and let my people, my king, get slaughtered. Reyn herself nearly died; she was lucky to be alive. Now Loghain makes her out to be a traitor, and I have done nothing to clear her name. She has been through hell and back, trying to avenge her family and defeat the Blight, all while ending Loghain's madness.
We were friends once, Reyn and I. As young girls we ran around, swinging imaginary swords and dreaming of glory and grandeur. As we got older, we started training with actual weapons; we both had a natural gift. I had plans to be a knight; honorable and a leader of justice. Reyn wanted to be a warrior, tall and strong and above all…a hero. As we aged, my feelings for her grew into something beautiful. and foolish. Reyn was nobility; she would wed a man and continue the Cousland line, just like her brother. I…I was a nobody. If I was lucky I would become a knight, but the chances of that were slim indeed. A couple of years before this all began, I had met Loghain and he had showed me everything I was missing in life. Because of him, I became the knight I had dreamed of. But, in getting my dream, I had to let my other one go. I did not speak to Reyn again.
I did not see her again until her capture at Fort Drakon. I remember looking into her eyes, the eyes I dreamt about every single night since our parting. They were harder; a heavy blue. Her skin was a darker tan, and her blazing hair was cut short. There was a long scar on her cheek, giving her a dangerous and chivalrous look. Her height was greater, and her muscles were prominent. I did not see Reyn the youngest of the Cousland line; I saw Reyn the Grey Warden, the warrior who was now my…enemy. I see her eyes, the look in them as I gave her the option to either fight and die…or lay down her sword and her companions would go free, leaving her at my mercy. Of course, she sacrificed her freedom for her companions.
There was a woman with her; the bard. Her blue eyes held so much pain and fear. and anger towards me. The hatred directed at me…my heart panged. I had heard rumors about her involvement with Reyn, but I had dismissed them as hearsay. But, in seeing the distress the girl, Leliana, was in…I knew it to be true. That is why I acted crueler towards Reyn, taunting her and the woman, masking the pain inside my own heart.
Against all odds, Reyn ended up escaping. She had been tortured a bit; my dreams still hold that sight, crushing me every single time. Why had I not saved her? Why did I not…and why could I not show her how deep my love for her ran?
The Landsmeet is nearing…Loghain gave me orders to stop the Warden and her group at all costs. I am standing at the entrance with a handful of guards. If I live, Reyn will be dead. If she wins..I am no more. My over thinking mind is broken when the doors creak open. Standing there across from me is both my heaven and my hell…the only love of my life.
"Cautherien…we again meet. It seems it is fate." "Fate has an awful sense of humor, apparently." Reyn's steady blue-green eyes stared unflinchingly into my own. "I need to get into the Landsmeet. If you would move..." I stood up straighter, squaring my shoulders. "I am sorry Warden, but I am under orders to the contrary. I cannot let you pass. For the good of Ferelden, you will not enter." "Cautherien, I implore you; I am not the traitor Loghain would let you believe. You knew me, before the Blight, before the accusations split Ferelden in two. Please, for me, reconsider."
My heart beat at her recognition of the friendship we had. "How can I? Loghain was always my hero; I owe him my knighthood. And yes, we were friends…but that ended years ago. I have not spoken to you truly in ages. Our duties tore us apart from the start; we just did not acknowledge it." Reyn pleaded with her eyes for my reconsideration. "Please, Cat…do not make me fight you. We both know how this ends. I cared about you then, and I still do. but I have a duty to my country, my family…and the Grey Wardens. Do not make me choose…"
I saw a path set before me, one that would change my life forever. I could accept Reyn's words, and step down. She would go into the Landsmeet, and she would win. I had no doubt about it. Loghain would fall, and Reyn would stand, the hero she had always been to me. I could start anew, maybe start a family….
My eyes looked closer at Reyn. I had loved her for so long….unrequited. Leliana held her now; fate brought them together, and denied us. If I stood aside, there would be no future for me. I would be the disgraced ex-follower of the former Hero of Orlais, now denounced as a traitor of the blackest kind. I would be stripped of my title as a knight, and Ferelden's people would cry for my banishment. And…I would never get the one I wanted. Standing there on the precipice, I knew what had to be done. I was not meant to live, to be some glorious swordswoman with the noble daughter of Bryce Cousland in my corner. Our destinies lead to different places; Reyn would stop the Blight and become the Hero of Ferelden…and I would die, lonely and haunted.
I smiled one last time; I knew Reyn could see the sorrow in it. I thought about finally admitting my true feelings; that would surely shock her, eh? But…I could not. It would be cruel to hold that over her head, she who was more noble and kind than anyone I ever knew…including Loghain. I saw the knowing look in her eye as she readied herself. Our sorrow was passed back and forth; our dreams, the colored past, and the future instilled in the very air between us. My hand landed on the hilt of my sword; the gleaming blade stood tall and proud in my hand. I placed the tip of the blade to my forehead, sending out a prayer of forgiveness, an atonement for my sins.
Reyn…I hope you can forgive me. Keep me in you thoughts…for I was never in your heart. Blades flashed and steps pounded; I charged forwards toward my demise, not looking back. There is no more fitting end…than to die on your heart's sword.