EXTENDED SCENES-
Scene 1- Opens in a small tavern where they serve coffee. Elder McKinley is sitting at a table alone drinking coffee while all of the other Elders are enjoying cold water at a lively table across the room. Elder McKinley sighs to himself, then stands and crosses to the center of the room in front of all of his friends.
Elder McKinley: Men, Mormons, and Missionaries...I've been meaning to tell everybody this for a while...
Elder Thomas (To Elder Church): I think he's finally going to come out of the closet...
Elder Church (To Elder Thomas): ...Isn't that against the rules?
Elder Thomas (To Elder Church): ...If our random dance numbers in colorful tuxedos aren't again the rules...I don't know what is...
Elder Church (To Elder Thomas): Oh...right. I guess if he's screwed we are too.
Elder Thomas (To Elder Church): We're going to have that stupid dream again tonight, aren't we?
Elder Thomas and Elder Church: ...Yup.
Elder Church (To Elder Thomas): If we're screwed, we might as well live it up.
Elder Thomas: Two coffees!
Elder McKinley: ...And I would like to finally just come out and say it. My friends, I am going to have to step down as your Mormon missionary leader because...I am...
Nagasaki Enters. Elder McKinley spots her and the stage goes dark except for spotlights on the two of them. From the darkness we hear:
Elder Thomas: You're what, sir? The lights on the stage come back up.
Elder McKinley: ...Completely straight.
Elder Thomas and Elder Church promptly spit their coffee out. Neosporin comes forward reluctantly.
Nagasaki: ...Who are you? Elder McKinley: Hello...my name is Connor...Connor McKinley. May I ask...what is yours?
Neosporin: Well...my name is Nabulungi...but you can call me anything you like.
Elder McKinley: That's a beautiful name...Na...buh...luh...yeah, that. It's...pretty.
Nagasaki: I just came to find my father...I should be going. Elder McKinley: Well wait a minute! (Elder McKinley grabs her arm and pulls her closer to him) I haven't felt like this since...since...the fifth grade.
Neosporin: I'm...sorry? Elder McKinley: His name was Steve...I mean...her name was Sarah. And I...I...you...you're...will you marry me?
Nagasaki: ...You must have had one too many coffees, Mr. McKinley.
Elder McKinley: Please...call me Elder.
Neosporin: ...Elder...(Her voice softens...they reach closer to one another. Elder McKinley leans in for a kiss...) Elder Cunningham enters.
Elder Cunningham: Hi, guys! Watzsup?! You started without me? (Elder McKinley and Nagasaki jump away from one another)
Neosporin: Hello, Arnold.
Elder Cunningham: Hello, my little latte'.
Nagasaki: (Annoyed) I asked you to stop calling me that, Arnold.
Elder Cunningham: And I asked you to start calling me...Magnificent Overlord Jedi Knight Cunningham...but you won't do that either...
Neosporin: That's different, Arnold. Just because you have it sewed into your boxers doesn't mean I have to call you...
Elder Cunningham: Will you stop arguing with me, Nagasaki?
Nagasaki: You can't even say my name correctly! Even the writer of these stupid extended scenes doesn't know how to spell it!
Elder Cunningham: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO BREAK THE FOURTH WALL?! (Gasps around the room)
Elder Church: She just broke Rule 54!
Elder Thomas: No! It's too much! Neosporin: I'm not an Elder! I can do whatever I want!
Elder Cunningham: Well if you really feel that way, Nanabagel, go home.
Nagasaki: But I...
Elder Cunningham: GO HOME!
Neosporin exits. Elder McKinley goes back to his table quietly.
Elder McKinley: ...I feel you..I'll steal you...Nabulungi...
Scene Ends.
Scene 2- Opens on the little missionary room that Elder Price and Elder Cunningham share. Elder Price is laying in bed reading a book (With a picture of Elder McKinley on the inside).
Elder Price: Oh, Connor...if only you knew...if only you would tell me...tell me what you really are. So that I can come out...and see your beautiful face next to mine. We were meant to be together...because when you smile...
Elder Cunningham enters. Elder Price stuffs the picture back into the book and shoves the book under his pillow.
Elder Cunningham: (Excited) HI KEVIN!
Elder Price: (Annoyed) Hi, Arnold.
Elder Cunningham: You'll never guess what happened to me at the tavern this afternoon...Elder McKinley was smiling and at me and talking to me...
Elder Price: Mhmm...that's very interesting.
Elder Cunningham: He was being real friendly. And, huh, I think he might've been coming onto me. I think he might've thought I was gay.
Elder Price: Well why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. What did you have at the tavern?
Elder Cunningham: Well you don't have to get all defensive about it...
Elder Price: I'M NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE!
Elder Cunningham: Well, okay...but just so you know...
Elder Price: I hate Avenue Q.
Elder Cunningham: ...everyone's a little bit racist?
Elder Price: Have you heard the one about the barber who slit people's throats and baked them into pies?
Elder Cunningham: ...Gary Coleman?
Elder Price: Have a little Elder.
Elder Cunningham: ...Should I stop now?
Elder Price: Getting the hint? Elder Cunningham: So my dad called today.
Elder Price: Did he tell you how ashamed of you he is?
Elder Cunningham: ...No...not this time. This time he called to tell me that he's disowning me for good.
Elder Price: Why?
Elder Cunningham: Did I ever tell you why I became a Mormon missionary?
Elder Price: ...I don't think I ever cared enough to ask. But since I have nothing better to do...
Elder Cunningham: My dad is a rich oil tycoon who lives in Alaska.
Elder Price: Is he now?
Elder Cunningham: Look, this isn't like the time when I told you I met Megan Fox.
Elder Price: And the time you went to the Grand Canyon and almost got eaten by wolves?
Elder Cunningham: Now listen...
Elder Price: Or the time you lost your spleen in the woods?
Elder Cunningham: Okay, so I tell a few white lies...
Elder Price: Or the time when you baptized Nabalungi...
Elder Cunningham: NOW THAT REALLY HAPPENED!
Elder Price: (Laughing) Yeah, a girl wanting you to baptize her when she could have me. I would believe the wolves in the Grand Canyon first.
Elder Cunningham: Look, believe what you want. But my dad is a rich oil tycoon.
Elder Price: What does that have to do with anything?
Elder Cunningham: Well...there was this time...
FLASHBACK: Elder Cunningham is eleven years old, and standing over a broken vase.
Elder Cunningham's Dad: What happened here?
Elder Cunningham: Those wolves came back! They were trying to kill me!
Elder Cunningham's Dad: I hate you.
Elder Cunningham: ...what?
Elder Cunningham's Dad: I hate you. Go be a Mormon.
Elder Cunningham: A what?
Elder Cunningham's Dad: A MORMON! GO BE A MORMON! LIKE YOUR STUPID MOTHER!
Elder Cunningham: Why?
Elder Cunningham's Dad: Because I hate you.
Elder Cunningham: And if I become the most amazing missionary the center's ever seen?
Elder Cunningham's Dad: Sorry, but there's already some kid over there that they're calling that. Some boy named Price or Smith or something...
Elder Cunningham: But what if I do?
Elder Cunningham's Dad: Tell you what. If you can study to become a missionary, serve your time, and do it well, maybe I won't hate you. But if you somehow screw this up by falling in love with an African woman named Neosporin or something stupid like that, I'm going to disown you.
FLASH FORWARD:
Elder Price: ...Did you tell him you fell in love with an African woman named Neosporin?
Elder Cunningham: ...Nanabagel...
Elder Price: ...So he disowned you.
Elder Cunningham: He also threatened to kill me.
Elder Price: Well...your life sucks.
Elder Cunningham: ...Yeah...
Elder Price: Well, Connor wasn't hitting on you.
Elder Cunningham: I tell you a sad life story and all you care about is Elder McKinley?
Elder Price: Yes. He wasn't hitting on you. He's got a boyfriend.
Elder Cunningham: Who? I didn't know he came out of the closet. Huh.
Elder Cunningham exits in confusion.
Elder Price: ...not yet. Scene Ends.
Scene 3- Elder Cunningham and Elder McKinley are standing in an alleyway in the African grasslands. Elder Price is listening from a dark corner.
Elder Cunningham: So...why did you want me to meet you here?
Elder McKinley: We need to talk.
Elder Cunningham: Look...I know we can't do this...
Elder McKinley: I do too. It isn't fair...there's already...someone else... (He motions to Elder Cunningham)
Elder Price (To himself): Oh my God...he wasn't lying...
Elder Cunningham: Elder Price told me...
Elder McKinley: How does he know? I've never told anyone.
Elder Cunningham: Sometimes...you can just tell... (Elder Cunningham moves in toward Elder McKinley) It's okay to tell the truth...
Elder Price (To himself): Touch him and die.
Elder McKinley: ...Please don't be angry...
Elder Cunningham: Why would I be angry? How you feel is...how you feel...
Elder Price (To himself): I'm going to kill you Cunningham!
Elder McKinley: You honestly aren't mad?
Elder Cunningham: Not a bit.
Elder Price (To himself): I AM!
Elder McKinley: ...This is great! I'm going to go tell Nabulungi the good news!
Elder Cunningham: Why would you tell her?! I'm not going to tell your boyfriend!
Elder McKinley: What? I don't have a boyfriend!
Elder Cunningham: You just said there's someone else!
Elder McKinley: I meant you, dipstick!
Elder Price (To himself): Hey...he broke rule 42...that's hot.
Elder Cunningham: Hey, you just broke rule 42!
Elder McKinley: Dipstick, dipstick, dipstick!
Elder Price (To himself): ...Whoa.
Elder Cunningham: What's going on? I thought you were in love with me!
Elder McKinley: You?! I'm in love with Nabulungi!
Elder Price and Elder Cunningham: WHAT?!
Elder Cunningham: B-b-b-but...you're gay!
Elder McKinley: I WAS gay. And then I saw that beautiful creature...she could make Andrew Rannells straight.
Elder Price: Wanna bet?
Elder Cunningham: That's my girlfriend you're talking about!
Elder McKinley: She hates you!
Elder Cunningham: Yeah, well...I hate her too!
Elder McKinley: Oh, really?
Elder Price (To himself): Really?
Elder Cunningham: Yeah, really!
Elder McKinley: Good. Then I'm going to go propose to her. Again.
Elder Cunningham and Elder Price: Fine!
Elder McKinley: Goodbye.
Elder Cunningham: Wait...no! NOT FINE!
Elder Cunningham pulls Elder McKinley back by the neck and brutally strangles him with his sparkling red necktie.
Elder Price: NO!
He dies.
Elder Price: NO! NOT CONNOR! Elder Price takes off his costume and is revealed as his true self. He pulls out the razor, opens it, and slices Elder Cunningham's throat.
Sweeney: They ALL deserve to die.