by Aubrey a.k.a. Naomi Sisko
"Captain's log, farmdate Dec. 1, 1995: Space, the final frontier. Too bad you need fancy equipment like spaceships to reach it. These are the voyages of the farmship Wheelbarrow. Its mission: to explore strange new farm life and farm civilizations. To boldly go where no one has ever dared to go before!
"Before I go rushing off on my log, I'd best give you some of my history. I ran away from Sherry a few weeks ago because she was unwilling to negotiate a raise in my allowance. I ended up on this farm. Afraid that Sherry might find me, I changed my name from just Lambchops to Kirk Lambchops.
"My friends and I found a wheelbarrow yesterday, and being fond of exploration, formed a crew and dubbed our discovery the farmship Wheelbarrow. I, being the smartest of the group, was appointed captain. Captain Kirk Lambchops. It has a nice ring to it.
"My friend, MooCoy, insisted our crew have a physician, in case of any unpleasant encounters with either pitchfork or Romulus, the farm dog. Although MooCoy wasn't willing to volunteer for the position himself, he was given the job anyway. Lightning Sulu, a sleek black onetime race horse, has agreed to pull the wheelbarrow, although with great reluctance. Cluckov, being Lightning Sulu's best friend, took the position of navigator. Spotty, a much smaller and friendlier version of the farm dog's kind, called a puppy, is in charge of maintenance and repair work. Purrhura, the farm cat (and might I add that cats are much friendlier than dogs), is our communications officer.
"Such is our crew, and so we embark on our first mission: to fill our stomachs in FarMer's garden."
They made an odd group indeed as they set out toward the garden, dreaming of a full stomach, lettuce, tomatoes, and the nearby strawberry patch for dessert. At first they had tried to fit everyone into the farmship Wheelbarrow, but the task proved impossible. They took a vote, and it would have been unanimous, all but for one vote, that MooCoy should get out and walk. The one disagreeing vote, as you might have guessed, was MooCoy's own.
Before they could get to the garden, though, they ran into the farm dog. Kirk Lambchops reacted immediately. "Evasive maneuvers! Fire photon torpedoes!"
The "photon torpedoes" were sacks filled with flour Cluckov had found in the back of a nearby storage shed. The sack curved in a beautiful arc, landing right on top of Romulus and leaving him looking like a very angry ghost. Kirk Lambchops took this as a sign to retreat, voicing this as his next order.
It was a fine chase. Every once in a while another flour-filled "photon torpedo" would slow down the farm dog slightly, though it seemed like forever before the crew finally shook him. When they were finally satisfied that he was gone, they had totally and utterly no idea where they were.
As they thought, trying to figure out the way home, a small animal, no taller than my knee, walked up to them. It was green and covered with scales. Why, it was a dinosaur!
Purrhura was the first to notice the creature. "Captain," she announced, "an alien vessel is approaching."
"Hail them," came the response.
"Hailing frequencies open, sir."
Kirk Lambchops cleared his throat. "Alien vessel," he began, "please state your intentions."
"I assure you, my intentions are none but the most peaceful," the dinosaur said. "I am selling subscriptions to 'Logic Monthly' magazine. Would you be interested?"
"No, I don't think so," Kirk Lambchops responded. "What's your name?"
"My name is not relevant to the sales of magazines. May I also inform you that you are making a most illogical decision by refusing to subscribe to this quite enriching magazine."
"I don't care about logic. What is your name? Where did you come from? And what are you, anyway?"
"Very well, I suppose I must tell you. My name is DinoSpock. I was born in Jurassic Park and am a dinosaur. I was able to hide in a rabbit hole during the bombing of the park since I was very young and thus very small. The resulting radiation stunted my growth, which is why I am still very small, although older."
"Why did they bomb Jurassic Park?" asked Lightning Sulu.
"The park had a safety failure and the dinosaurs were able to escape from their pens. They bombed the island park because some dinosaurs are hazardous to humans. I believe I am the only one who survived, and I will never be a threat to humanity because of my size."
"Cool," commented Spotty. "But let me give you some advice. Stop selling those ridiculous magazines and join our crew. We still need a science officer."
"That would be logical, considering I haven't sold any subscriptions yet."
And so the crew, with one new member, rode off into the sunset, though it was the opposite direction of the farm. But they didn't know that, did they? Especially considering that it took them a week to find their way home.
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