Look at me, Cas. Creeping on you the way you used to creep on me. Standing here, watching you innocently go about your day, while the weight of the world rests on my shoulders. Watching you the way you once watched me: loathe to intrude on the life that you are building, but too weak to turn and walk away.
I don't know whether I should laugh or cry...
Like Alice, I feel myself falling through the looking glass, living in a topsy-turvy world that should not exist.
But this really is your life now. Smiling at customers who rarely smile back. Sweeping floors and stocking shelves with fierce concentration. Human. All too human. With lines of worry carved on your once impassive face, and dark shadows lingering beneath your eyes. Tired with the kind of bone-deep weariness that I know so well. Sleepless nights will do that to you. So will lonely, endless days.
I wish I could change the way things are between us. Knowing that it's all my fault, that I'm the one who cruelly sent you packing, adds to the pain. I never wanted this to happen. I feel your absence as sharply as I would the loss of a limb. I keep glancing over my shoulder, surprised to see a Cas-shaped hole where you should be.
I swear to you that I will make this right. As soon as Sam is better, you're coming home to us. Home to me. I've got your room all picked out: it's the one right next to mine, no more than a few heartbeats away.
And maybe, one day soon, I'll find the courage to say the words that you deserve to hear, the words I whisper every night like a prayer: I love you, Cas. I love you.