Going Bananas!
A/N: This is not my first Twilight fic, it's just the first one I've posted. This is an entry for yayme2012's Bella X Banana challenge—a contest to see who can come up with the best Twilight fic featuring unlikely pairings. As a result of yayme2012's daring (and dangerous) request, I have turned the entire Twilight world upside down…
It was an odd sort of day from the beginning. The sky was a delicious, deep shade of partly cloudy, the rain coming down in sparse, sickly splatters from the cotton-candy clouds. Bella, noticing the patches of sunlight peeking out from behind this mess, sighed and grabbed the keys to her truck as she headed out the door.
She knew something was up the moment she saw Edward's Volvo sitting in the driveway, looking shinier than usual in the weak sunlight. Edward himself was looking shinier than usual in the weak sunlight, though to Bella he always had a sort of halo of angelic light around him…
Oh, what was she doing, dreaming about gorgeous vampires (specifically, one gorgeous vampire) when the real thing was sitting right in front of her, just a few yards away? Bella ran out into the sunlight, practically skipping towards the car.
"Edward! You're here! Wait…" the happy music that had been playing in her head ground to a halt. "Why are you here? It could be Northeastern Ohio, it's so partly cloudy out!" Edward did a double take at that last expression before replying his usual vague reply,
"It's Monday. There's school. Besides," he leaned toward her, "nothing could keep me away from you."
His kiss left her befuddled for a moment, but as soon as her head cleared, she was able to feel suspicion; an elusive answer followed by a major distraction was Edward's usual reply when Bella asked him a question whose answer he didn't want to give. In an unusually shrewd gesture, the usually imperceptive Bella said,
"Are you protecting me again, or are you ashamed of the real answer to my question?" Edward pulled away.
"Dammit," he muttered to himself, "that usually works. Well, since you asked, I just…had a feeling…that something was happening today, and that I should be there for it." Bella put her hands on her hips.
"What'd Alice see?" she asked in a no-nonsense tone of voice.
"Nothing."
"What's 'nothing' code for?"
"No, really, this morning Alice couldn't see a thing. I thought I should be there to…see what she couldn't…" he frowned in his typical, over-worried, emo-Edward way.
"Is Jacob coming?" Bella asked warily. Luckily, there had been no attempts at contact from the mongrel since the Token Heartrending Event in Eclipse [after which this story takes place, yet they are still in school…don't ask, just go with it.
"I don't know." Edward's jawline hardened. "That's why I should be there to see what happens." Bella sighed and slid into the car. She entwined her hand with Edward's as they made their way to school. She gazed lovingly at this statuesque creature, thinking, I don't deserve this godlike being. I'm human, I'm dull, I'm of average intelligence, I don't listen to enough music, I'm slow on the uptake, I have drastically low self esteem…
By the time she was done wallowing in her imperfection, they had reached the school. Bella noticed nothing odd at first as she and Edward joined Alice, Jasper, and Rosalie on their way to class. Then she did a double take.
"Why are you guys here? Why are you here, Rosalie, when you're supposed to be in college? Where's Emmett? Since when is Emmett the sensible one who misses out on the fun? What am I missing? When did I become so incredibly observant?"
"Er…um…Emmett…er…Alice saw…Hey, buddy, shall I walk you to class? It's soooo nice to have a human girlfriend…" stuttered Rosalie.
Bella blinked shrewdly at the bloodsucking coven surrounding her, but decided to store away her questions for later. For now, she let her vampire guard walk her to English. Her teacher looked startled when they walked in the room.
"Er, Mr. Hale…Miss Hale…what are you two doing here?" he stuttered rather rudely.
"We're on winter break, thought we'd come back to spend some time with our brother and our sister and…Bella…is that all right?" Rosalie simpered.
"You…you're off on winter break? Still? In April?"
"Is there a problem with that?" by now she was quite close to him, her sweet breath and golden eyes dazzling.
"Er…no…no seats though…"
"Oh, that's all right. We'll manage." Rosalie flounced toward the back of the classroom in a very unusual way. Bella eyed her family suspiciously.
"Still think there's something going on…" muttered Bella.
In fact, it was only five minutes before Jacob Black burst into the room.
"Cullen…" he said. The teacher looked at him. "Oh yeah," added Jacob, "I'm supposed to…come get them…Bella too…parents here to sign them out…they've all been exposed to Diverticulitis, an extremely painful and highly contagious condition…" The teacher looked harried, but nodded to him nonetheless. Jacob smiled menacingly, crooked a finger at the Cullen clan, and watched as Bella apprehensively led the way.
As soon as they were safely out of hearing range of the schoolchildren, Jacob started.
"What d'you think you're playing at?"
Fourteen eyes blinked incomprehensively.
"What do we think we're playing at doing what?" asked Edward tightly, clearly restraining himself from kicking mucho werewolf arse ['cuz you know he could totally take the mutt any day….
Jacob esploded. "Sending your bloodsucking 'brother' after a member of our pack! The treaty expressly forbids—"
"WHAT is Emmett up to now?" asked Rosalie, her tone heavy with exasperation, forgetting it was a mangy dog she was talking to.
"What's he UP to? WHAT'S HE BLOODY UP TO? HE WENT AFTER SETH—OUR YOUNGEST PACK BROTHER—WHEN HE WAS OUT RUNNING! WE FOUND THAT LEECH IN THE WOODS WITH A WOLF-WITH A WOLF—STRAPPED TO HIS BACK…"
"YOU FOUND EMMETT IN THE WOODS WITH A WEREWOLF STRAPPED TO HIS BACK?" Rosalie thundered, sounding just as angry as Jacob.
"Duct taped, actually," replied Edward, clearly reading Jacob's mind. Bella fought the urge to laugh.
"So…Emmett was found…in the woods…with a werewolf duct taped to his back?" chortled Bella. "Er…why?"
"I DON'T KNOW!" roared Jacob. "But it doesn't matter," he added maliciously, "Your parasitic pal has broken the treaty…You know what that means…" and without another word he hurled himself at Jasper. Alice, of course, intercepted him.
Jacob started to get up again, but then he caught sight of Alice. Her adorably small stature, her cute black pixie cut, her beautiful features, the spirit that shone in her eyes, the charm and wit that practically leaked out of her nose…he was in love.
"Given up already?" Alice growled. Her tinkling voice was so endearing…so small, she sounded like she needed a gigantic, ripped werewolf to protect her and hold her and…
"I…I…" stuttered Jacob, dazed. At that moment, Alice looked up at Jacob, and her eyes immediately went all starry. That deep, rich skin that Stephenie Meyer has repeatedly told us is russet-colored, whatever a russet is…those high, proud cheekbones, that adorably floppy hair, the way he was a gigantic, ripped werewolf who could protect her and hold her and…Alice was in love.
"Come here, giant wolf man," said Alice in an alluring and totally OOC way. Then she grabbed Jacob and, with irresistible force, pulled him in for a big, passionate, insert-steamy-makeout-scene-lemon-here kiss.
Bella was looking on, open-mouthed. Edward was wincing at Jacob's blaring thoughts. Rosalie looked nauseous. Jasper was sobbing his eyes out, until a reviewer reminded him that vampires couldn't cry. Then he stopped. Poor Jasper.
"C'mon, Jakey," said Alice in a sickeningly saccharine voice. "Despite the fact that you are a werewolf and I am a vampire and our love is completely forbidden and totally OOC and being with you will break the treaty not to mention prevent me from ever seeing the future again, let's ride off into the sunset together and have another lemon…only more flavorful this time!" she winked suggestively. It was all Jacob could do to nod like a lovesick puppy [which he was and follow her doggedly [that was a pun, for anyone who didn't catch it.
Everyone blinked for a few moments, then Jasper burst into dry sobs (since he wasn't allowed tears…thanks, heartless reviewer!).
"I'm sorry, Jas," said Rosalie soothingly, placing a hand on her brothers shoulder. But Jasper shrugged off her gesture.
"I don't want you. I want…I want…"
"I don't think Alice is coming back, dear."
"I know. I want…" he turned to Bella, and there could be no mistaking the look in his eyes. Jasper started sobbing again. "I've been in love with her for…an hour now, but…there's no way I could do that to Edward, I'm too…decent a person…to…but…Oh, Bella! Oh, it is love!" and he started sobbing in earnest now (because he wasn't before, oh no, he was just plain sobbing).
"Oh, Jazzy Jazz! That confession is music to my ears! I love you and your strong civil-war-fighting self! You're so beautiful and brave and smart and caring! I'm sorry, Edward, but I am impressed with antiquity! And at least it's not Jasper's fault he's emo! You could at least control it if you wanted to!" and with that, Bella was on Jasper's back and they were running off into the sunset, snogging all the way.
Emo Edward was just about to start emoting when Rosalie caught his shoulders.
"Sooo…you wanna make out or something?"
"Sure, sounds good to me!" and Edward and Rosalie transpired to suck face.
Just then, Emmett walked onto the scene, a struggling werewolf [Seth duct taped to his back. He watched for a moment as Edward made out with his girlfriend, then he sank onto his knees, Vader-style [except for he was a vampire with a werewolf strapped to his back, not a Sith lord who had just lost his family and shouted, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Rosalie wouldn't have noticed, but Edward looked up at this minor disturbance in the force.
"Emmett?" he asked with a deer-in-the-headlights sort of look on his face.
"Emmet?" Rosalie asked with a deer-in-the-headlights sort of look on her face.
"Edward? Rosalie?" Emmett asked with a betrayed look on his face.
"Bananas!" shouted Seth with a clueless look on his face.
In the intervening seconds while everybody stared at a sheepish-looking Seth, Edward thought of something.
"Rose? We should probably get going now. Emmett's planning to kill both of us just as soon as he figures out what's going on…"
"Good idea," she replied, and they ran off at top speed into the sunset.
"Well," said Seth.
"Well," said Emmett.
"Guess that just leaves you and me, then."
"Yup."
"You wanna…?"
"NO!" roared Emmett, undoing the duct tape at lightning speed so that Seth fell painfully onto the pavement.
"Okay, okay, I was just asking…"
"Well don't! What were you thinking, anyhow?"
"I just…neither of us have mates, and you're kinda cute…"
And that was when Emmett smacked the werewolf.
And that was when Emmett smacked the werewolf.
And that was when Emmett smacked the werewolf.
And that was when Emmett smacked the werewolf.
When he was done with the werewolf smackdown, Emmett looked up to see that Jasper had reappeared. Well, Emmett didn't see that he'd reappeared, he didn't know he'd been there before you see…
Get on with it!
Right! Well, Emmett said,
"What the hell are you doing here, man?"
"Well, I, er…Bella's dead."
"What?"
What?
Bella's dead.
How could you do that? Bella dead? That has "OOC" written all over it! Even in the hard-to-reach spots!
Shush! You'll see.
I don't trust you.
Will ya just let me get on with it?
Yes. Get on with it.
Right.
GET ON WITH IT!
Right! Anyway, Emmett said:
"What? How'd she die?"
"Er, um…we were just making out, whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears, when a lemon happened and…uh…um, I mean…"
"Jasper! YOU ATE BELLA? How could you?"
"I…uh…YOU THINK THIS IS HARD ON YOU? I'm the one who suddenly and for no reason whatsoever fell in love with her, only to end up eating her…"
"Well, dammit. Now where am I going to get my entertainment? No Bella to fall down a lot, no Rosalie to—"
"ANYWAY, it was Bella's final wish that we—and the werewolves—" he grimaced "—gather together to celebrate her life."
"No it wasn't."
"Yes it was!"
"Why would you know that?"
"She told me!"
"No she didn't."
"Yes she did! As we were snogging in songfest central, she said to me, 'Oh my dearest Jazzy Jazzywobbles, if you accidentally eat me while we are having the lemon of the century, it is my dearest wish that all of my vampire and werewolf friends gather together to celebrate my life.' And then she was snogging me again." Jasper's eyes went all dreamy…
"Okay, okay, I believe you. Did she really call you 'Jazzywobbles'?"
"Er…yes."
"Ew. Okay, where should we meet to…er…celebrate Bella's short short life?"
"How 'bout the computer lab?"
"Okey pokey. Let's go find the others."
A few minutes later [remember, kids? Vampires run fast… Jasper led a solemn procession through the computer room doors.
They were greeted by chants of "Mufflus Wobbus lovus potionus amortention sanvalentina…" which were broken off by Emmett's shout of "WHAT THE HELL?"
"Oh," said Angela, looking up from her boiling cauldron [I mean, the contents of the cauldron were boiling, not the cauldron itself, you see…
GET ON WITH IT!
Right! Anyway,
"Hi, guys," Angela finished with a deer-in-the-headlights sort of look on her face.
"Erm…what the hell is going on here?"
"I…er…I…"
Edward gasped. "Angela, you're a witch? How did you keep that hidden from me all this time? You knew I could read minds? Does that mean you knew Alice could see the future, too? Or that we're vampires and he's a werewolf?" Edward pointed to Jacob.
"Erm…no. Actually, I try not to think about witchcraft during school, or else I start muttering incantations under my breath…Thanks for the tips, though."
"Oh. Erm...then…what's going on?"
"I'm just cutting class to practice my love spells. They're still not very good, I'm afraid. They're my one weakness."
They stared at her. Not the love spells, the mythical creatures [whose territorial disputes Bella refuses to be affected by….
"Aaaangela," began Rosalie dangerously, advancing on the witch. "Did you make Alice fall in love with a werewolf and Bella go off with Jasper and me make out with Edward? And did you make Seth…"
"No! Er, maybe…a bit…I certainly hope not!"
Jasper was furious. "It's your fault I ate Bella!"
"You didn't eat me, silly," said Bella, miraculously appearing from underneath a computer desk. "Remember? You agreed to help me fake my death to bring together our divided family(ies)!"
"Erm…why'd I agree to do that?"
"Because Angela's love spell made you fall head over heels for me!"
"Oh, right."
"But this still doesn't explain one thing," Edward interjected.
"What?" the others chorused.
"Why Emmett showed up with a werewolf duct taped to his back."
"I dunno, this morning I just felt an overwhelming urge to kidnap a werewolf…" replied Emmett innocently. Rosalie seemed to get it.
"Angela," she purred, her voice silky soft. "C'mere a second, darling…"
Don't eat me, just R&R and vote for me! flees