Coming Back to What You Know

by jericho2k

Set after On My Way. Following a ride on a tilt-a-whirl Sam and Mercedes have a confrontation about what really matters.

Disclaimer: None of them are mine, unfortunately or they would have been back together before this damn hiatus lol!

Mercedes Jones takes a deep breath and stares at the contraption before her, struggling to hold the memories at bay as she watches more would-be riders join the queue. She smiles, a heartbroken smile as she sees a couple holding hands and laughing so enraptured with each other that the outside world has ceased to exist for them. That was you and Sam once a voice whispers inside her head and she turns away, heartsick, her mind casting back to that warm summer evening when she and Sam had come to the carnival. It's one of her most cherished memories along with being one of her most painful ones to recall and consequently she doesn't really allow herself to remember it often. It's a memory that evokes so many emotions in her; love, excitement, the giddiness of hearing the one you love tell you for the first time they love you, fear, the fear of giving your heart and opening yourself to another person, the hopelessness of losing him when he left with his parents for Kentucky. It's a memory that is so bittersweet it makes her almost sink to her knees. She gives herself a mental shake a turns back to look at Kurt and Blaine.

'Ok so where to now?' she sighs, already thoroughly fed up with this senior skip day. She feels like a third wheel but she knows that Kurt is worried about her, trying to make amends for having sacrificed their friendship for his relationship with Blaine and determined not to leave her on her own. Finn and Rachel are at the pretzel stand over to the left side of the tilt-a-whirl arguing over which flavour of pretzel to get and the rest of New directions are spread out throughout the park enjoying their free time with their loved ones. All except her and her heart clenches savagely as she acknowledges to herself that her loved one wouldn't want to spend even a second with her and who can blame him? She doesn't deserve to be loved…deep down past all the fierceness and attitude what she has feared the most is true.

She is with her friends and they have all fussed over her, even Rachel each of them tactfully avoiding mentioning Sam during the sleepovers and mall trips they have dragged her to. She is keenly aware though of their pitying gazes, of whispered conversations thought to be out of her hearing asking if she will be ok and ever be the same and she deep in her heart she knows that they are right to worry. The truth that stares at her in the mirror every day has already given her the answer to those questions. She is not ok and she will never be the same and the hardest part to stomach is that she has no one but herself to blame. She chose to pretend that all she and Sam had was a summer fling, she was the one who leapt into an empty relationship with Shane, the one who'd lied and cheated, and the one who'd thrown everything that Sam had felt for her back in his face. She hurt Shane and broke his heart and even as he cried in front of her she had been hard pressed to feel anything but pity for him and an overwhelming sense of relief. What kind of person does that make her, she thinks despairingly. The boy who she short-changed with a sham of a relationship was crumbling in front of her and all she could think about was that she was relieved it was over. Of course, the guilt that came later as she thought about everything she had done, and it has practically crucified her every day since.

The cruellest punishment for her has been losing Sam. She lost him once, through no fault of their own, when he moved to Kentucky and she had thought she would die of a broken heart. Then she had packed all her Sam memories away in a metaphorical box, resolving to never think of him and cutting off all contact with him, removing him from Facebook, refusing to answer his calls. She is a survivor, she had to do it to be able to cope, to just be able to breath and she had succeeded or so she thought at the time. Now she knows she has been lying to herself, that the safe comfortable world she has built around her was merely an illusion. Now she is forced to watch as he distances himself from her, never making eye contact, never speaking to her, never acknowledging her existence and every time she sees him her heart breaks a little more and sometimes as she lies on her bed, arms wrapped around her pillow she thinks this is worse than him being hundreds of miles away. Her heart is completely shattered but this time it's not the distance that's caused it to break but his closeness and the knowledge that she no longer has the right to be in his life. She's lost her grounding, her way and she no longer has any idea of where she is going and how she is going to get there. She's lost part of her soul too all in one fell swoop because that's what Sam is, the other half of her heart and it's taken this long for her to work it out. Quinn's accident has been the catalyst that has made her realise just how precarious life can be and just what she has thrown away. Just how stupid that is, she thinks to herself, wincing. It's taken a life-threatening accident involving one of her closest friends to see exactly what is important and worth fighting for. Sam has known all along yet she has only just come to the realisation and the hardest thing for her to accept is that she no longer is worth fighting for in his eyes.

'Well, I'm sorry to say I've never been on one of these things before,' a voice with a charming Irish brogue breaks into her thoughts and she half turns her head to gaze at its owner. Rory is smiling down at her encouragingly and holds out his hand towards her 'Come on it with me?'

Mercedes ducks her head and shakes her head. She likes Rory she really does. He's a nice kid who is a bit dorky but has a really kind heart and in some obscure way reminds her of Sam. But there is no way she wants to ride on that tilt-a-whirl, not today. Not any day, if truth be told.

'Please? Sugar says she won't because she doesn't like getting dizzy, and I really want to try it,' he pleads with huge eyes that remind her of a puppy dog. She gestures in vain to Blaine and Kurt who shake their heads.

'No way. My hair won't withstand all that spinning,' Kurt says shaking his perfectly coiffed head whilst texting on his phone.

'Not my bag,' Blaine smiles softening the blow. Mercedes heaves a sigh and looks back at Rory.

'Please? I really want to be able to tell the folks back home that I went on some cool things,'

Mercedes purses her lips tightly and nods her head ignoring the tightening in her chest at the thought of going on that ride. After all, a voice inside her head says, you can't avoid every single tilt-a-whirl for the rest of your life. She lets Rory lead her to the queue casting a look back at Kurt who is busy scanning the area around him as if looking for someone. She shrugs as they take their place in the queue and looks down at her shoes, her throat burning with unshed tears, letting Rory's chatter wash over her.

They're moving up the queue and she is so busy trying to shut out the feelings and memories that swamp her when she thinks of this ride that she doesn't notice that Rory has stopped talking beside her. She doesn't realise that anything is wrong until she feels warm, long fingers curl around her hand, threading her own through them. Her fingers react of their own accord gripping onto them, subconsciously recognising their owner before her brain has even registered that it is Sam and not Rory who is standing next to her. For a moment her mouth opens and she's gaping at him like a shocked fish before her brain swings back into gear and tries to tug her hand away.

'What are you doing!' she hisses, those being the first words she has spoken to him since Valentine's Day almost two months ago.

'Holding your hand,' he smirks slightly replying with the same words he used when he first returned from Kentucky. But this time he no longer looks unsure…he is gazing at her with determination in his gorgeous green eyes and his fingers tighten round hers thwarting her attempt to pull free.

'Sam-'she begins breathing erratically as sheer panic floods her system. She can't break down in front of him; she doesn't want to break down in front of him, can't bear the thought of humiliating herself even further. She's pulling back her hand frantically but to no avail and the tears are already springing to her eyes. His eyes soften as he sees them spill down her cheeks but his mouth hardens and he shakes his head.

'No. We are done with running away Mercedes. Done, do you understand?' he tells her not loosening his grip instead pulling her even closer. He's crowding her and he's dragging her as the line moves ever closer to the entrance of the ride. She casts a panicked glance back towards Kurt and Blaine but they are no longer there and a wave of hopelessness descends on her.

'They're not going to rescue you, you know,' he says almost conversationally 'Their job was to get you here,' Mercedes feels a wave of betrayal crash over her as she realises that her friends have set her up. How could they do this, she thinks when they know exactly how damaged and traumatised she is about what has happened with both Shane and Sam.

'Please Sam, don't make me do this,' she whispers, her throat tight, an ache burning down to the depths of her soul, making it almost difficult to remain standing.

'What are you so worried about?' he says fixing her with an intense stare 'It's not like we haven't been on one before…'

'I don't want to go on it with you,' she says digging her heels in as the line moves again. Sam clenches him jaw and moves her forward.

'You and I are going to get on that ride even if I have to carry you on it,' and by the look in his eyes she can tell he is deadly serious. She's never, ever seen him like this…not with her. She is used to an easy-going, fun-loving Sam; this side of Sam is something outside of her experience. Even when she had told him on Valentine's Day she couldn't be with him, he hadn't pressed the issue. He had simply walked away from her. Now she is completely and utterly certain he will not hesitate to carry out his threat. She shuffles forward, misery weighing hard on her chest, certain that this is a very bad idea. They are at the front of the queue and he still has her hand imprisoned, leading her to a car and motioning for her to get in first.

She sits down and he slides in next to her, practically on top of her lap and she tries to shuffle down the seat a bit but every move she makes away from him, he counters by moving towards her.

'Sam-' she tries to reason with him again, her heart in her mouth even as she says his name the lap bar comes down trapping her in the car with him. The ride starts to move slowly at first and he whispers against her ear 'Do you remember?'

The car starts to spin faster and she closes her eyes trying not to do as he is telling he to but she feels his body so close to hers, his unique scent wraps itself around her and her heart cries out for its soul mate. Images explode in her head and she can't stop them…she sees the lake, the sun reflecting of his blonde hair as he leans in to kiss her his green eyes dark with emotion. She remembers them walking back from Prom him holding her hand so tightly as if he never wants to let go as they laugh about Finn and Jesse's fight. She feels him wrapping his arms around her In New York after Nationals, both of them so glad to be in each other's arms again. She pictures his worried face as she pulls him down on her bed and reassures him that she definitely wants to be with him like this and feels his lips against her skin as he tells her how much he loves her. She watches her hands cup his face as they stand in the pouring rain, both crying as they try to say goodbye to each other in the desolate motel car park, his eyes pleading with her to reconsider her decision not to even give a long distance relationship a try. The car is spinning and tilting at full speed and her tears are running down her face uncontrollably as the memories keep coming, each more vivid than the last. Is this what he wants, she thinks, to see her broken? It seems like years before the cars slow down and come to a stop and she is trying to stop from trembling and bawling her eyes out. She can't even look at him, the hurt is too raw and as soon as the lap bar springs open she is up and out of the car and running through the exit as fast as she can, tears blinding her.

'Mercedes!' she hears him behind her running too and she tries to speed up but her sobs make it impossible for her to do so. He grabs her arm and spins her round to face him and she looks at his face and finally breaks in front of him, covering her face with her hands as she cries in despair.

His arms come around her and she cries even harder as her body sags in sheer relief at finally feeling the right arms holding her after so long. Shane's hold had always felt heavy and wrong and awkward as if they weren't made to fit. His head nestles on her hair and his hands rub her upper back while he's whispering 'It's ok Mercy, I've got you, and it's ok.'

She breaks away from him her hands dashing the tears away from her eyes 'It's not ok! What do you want from me, Sam?'

He looks at her sadly and sighs 'I want the truth Mercedes,'

'What truth! What is it you want me to say!' she practically howls at him, her heart in pieces.

'Was I really so June? Is that all it was to you? Did you forget about us? Is that why you shut down any and all communication with me?' Mercedes feels dread rising in the pit of her stomach. Finally he is demanding answers to the questions that had hoped he would never ask her and she knows, knows that she can't lie because he knows her almost better than she knows herself and will call her out on each and every lie she dares to utter just he had done in that hallway when she had dared to tell them that all they had shared had been a summer fling.

'The truth, Mercedes,' his tone brooks no argument and he is burning holes in her with his gaze.

'No-'it's all she can manage past the huge lump in her throat and she looks down at the floor despairingly. He tips her chin up to look at him and says 'No what?' She sees the pleading in his eyes, the need to understand and she knows in the bottom of her soul that she owes him the truth.

'No you were never so June. Jacob just caught me off guard and I said the first thing that came into my head,' she whispers ashamed. 'I didn't want to look like I was hung up on you in front of Shane so…' she trails off closing her eyes. 'I never forgot about us…I tried to for so long but I couldn't so…'

'And Facebook, the emails? Why didn't you answer any of my calls?'

'I couldn't Sam. My heart was broken! I felt like I was dying inside every day…' she admits, the memory of that heartbreak stark in her mind and her eyes reflecting the pain she had felt.

'Did you love Shane?' the last question he voices quietly, painfully as if it costs him to even ask it.

'I cared about-'she begins to try to defend herself from the indefensible but he overrides her flatly;

'Did you love him?' His green eyes focus on her intently and she sighs disconsolately.

'No.' it comes out as a whisper and she clears her throat. 'No I didn't. But I cheated on him-'

She sees him visibly relax and he draws a deep breath before saying 'You know, I would never have thought I'd say it, but if I could turn back time, that kiss in the auditorium would never have happened ;not because I regret kissing you but because its brought us to this,'

'Don't you get it Sam! The kiss wasn't important; it was just a physical sign of what had been going on between us right from when you came back! I lied every time I told Shane I was ok, that I loved him. I wanted so badly to be with you, spend time with you, just to feel you. In every which way possible I was telling you without words that I still loved you…and where did that leave Shane?' she whispers miserably.

'What about us Mercy? What about me? I felt you were cheating us, dammit! You hid behind him, and yes I know that what we did was wrong and I have spoken to Shane myself-' she jerks her head at him, horror dawning in her eyes, at the thought of what Shane could have done to him.

'Yes, Mercedes, I talked to him because believe it or not I know exactly how it feels to be in his shoes and I'm man enough to admit that I owe him an apology. I also can't let you shoulder the responsibility and blame for this on your own,'

'What did he say?' ' she asks steeling herself for the answer she is about to receive. She knows that she has betrayed Shane in the worst way and if he is still bitter who can really blame him?

'He said that he always knew that you didn't love him the way you should have. That you didn't look at him the way he looked at you…that he always knew your heart belonged to me. But he took whatever he could get…just for a chance to be with you,' he tells her frowning 'I know you were worried about doing the same to us but you were wrong. We did what we did because we weren't meant to ever be apart…Shane got hurt in the crossfire but I know deep down inside that you would never of done the same to us just as I would never of even thought about cheating on you with anyone else,' Mercedes remains silent as she lets the meaning of what he has just told her sink in. Shane had always known that all he could be was second best…oh Shane, her tender heart aches for him.

'There's something else I need to understand, Mercy. Something that's been bothering me since I left and it's something I need you to answer now. I wanted to try long-distance but you wouldn't even consider it and I need to understand why.'

'I-It wouldn't have been fair to you, Sam. You should have been able to start your new life without complications. I knew you might eventually meet someone….you know someone more suited to you and I decided…' she can't finish the sentence as she imagines someone else taking her place, loving him, supporting him, laughing at his dorky jokes, and the pain is so intense it almost makes her gasp out loud.

'You decided!' he laughs humourlessly. 'You decided….Jesus Christ, Mercedes! What about my right to decide! You were never a complication dammit! You were my everything! How could you even think…?' He rubs a tired hand across his forehead and pauses for a second as if trying to find the right words.

'Did I ever make you feel like you were less than perfect in my eyes?' he asks despair evident in his tone.

'Sam-'

'Did I Mercy?' he is holding her hands tightly in his now his thumbs skating over the backs of her hands, the action providing her with the answer to his question. Not once has he ever made her feel inadequate or less than beautiful in his eyes, even in a simple gesture such as holding her hands he makes her feel precious.

'No.'

'Then why? You were perfect…so beautiful…so mine…you were a like a star guiding me through all the crap that life threw at me. You never once made me feel like I was stupid or dorky. Or ashamed that I was homeless. You shone so brightly and all I wanted to do was follow you always. So why?' he pleads with her, eyes now shimmering with unshed tears.

'We were only seventeen, Sam. You had a chance to start over…You could have met another Quinn or-'

He cuts her off ,eyes flashing 'Stop it! Just stop it! Don't you dare finish that sentence with Santana! I didn't want Quinn or Santana! I wanted you! I've been there done that and got the T-shirt and you know what? What I had with them paled in comparison to how I felt about you! I loved you with everything I had! What we had was real and nothing that I had ever had in my life before prepared me for how much I loved you. You were my forever, Mercy and you made a decision-'

'It's my life! I had to make that decision whether you understand that or not!' she cries suddenly angry that he just doesn't get how hard it's been for her. That he truly doesn't understand how hard his leaving had been on her, and how scared she is now that she will have to go through the same heartbreak again.

'It's mine too! And if I hadn't come back you would have condemned me to a life sentence!' he retorts, tugging on his hair in frustration. She moves away turning her back on him wrapping her arms around her waist in a gesture of self-comfort; it's too intense, it's too much and she just wants to run away and lick her wounds in private.

'Mercedes,' he sighs coming up behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist over hers, holding her against him. She tenses for a second but her body is already betraying her, melting against him as it recognises the touch of its only lover.

'Sam, please why are you doing this? Do you hate me that much?' she whispers painfully. He gives a short bark of incredulous laughter.

'Hate you? Hate you? You really have no idea, do you?' he sounds tired. 'I came back for you Mercedes. I jumped at the chance to come back for you. Yes, I came back to compete at sectionals but that was a minor factor in why I came back. And believe me I'm sorrier that you could ever know that my actions made you question who you are. But I can't regret them. If you had truly been in love with Shane nothing I could have done would have made a difference and I would have respected that. But that first day, you had to look away from me as you were telling me that all that we had was a summer fling, I knew I had to do everything I could to get you to realise that what we had was still alive.'

'And I've killed that, right' she replies sadly feeling the cold hand of despair squeezing her heart tightly. He turns her round and leans forward until his forehead is resting on hers and she is looking straight into his eyes.

'No. It has always been and will always be you, Mercy. I tried to give you time to figure this out but I can't let you go. Not unless you look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love me anymore. And you can't right, Mercedes? Because you told me on Valentine's Day you loved me and I'm standing here telling you what I should have said then. I love you, and I'm not going anywhere without you ever again.' He leans down and kisses her, gently, his arms lacing around her back, encircling her waist and her breath catches in her throat as her lips open under his, feeling his tongue probing her lips and her soul whispers finally as her mouth opens allowing him to deepen the kiss. Tears born of sheer relief track down her cheeks; relief at feeling his mouth on hers at last, relief that he's not going anywhere, and relief that he still loves and wants her despite all that has been said and done. And she finally realises that what she has done to Shane is wrong, but that it would be even worse to deny the love of the boy standing in front of her who has fought so hard for her and still is fighting, that she needs to forgive herself and move on because she needs him not just to survive but to truly live.

'Please, Mercy. I'm begging. Just give me a chance…I swear you won't regret it…'she watches her heart swelling with love, as the boy who could have any girl he wants, the boy who she loves more than life itself pleads with her to let him love her again.

'I'm so, so sorry, Sam,' she whispers breaking the kiss and tucking her head into his chest. He presses kisses along her temple, holding her tightly running a hand wonderingly down the side of her face as though he is trying to reassure himself that this is not a dream.

'Shh,' he murmurs 'it's ok…just promise me that whatever we do in the future we'll do it together. Please never leave me again Mercedes…I don't think I could handle this again,'

'Never again, Sammy…I think it would kill me too,' she sniffles, feeling his heart beating beneath her ear. He pulls back forcing her to look up at him and he bends his head and captures her mouth again in a soft open mouthed kissed and whispers against her lips 'I love you,'

She wraps her arms around his neck and whispers back 'I love you too, Sam'. Sometime in the future, as she watches him stumbling over his wedding vows, as she makes her acceptance speech for her first Grammy award, as she watches him sing their baby daughter to sleep she will look back on this day and thank heaven for giving her another chance at love. But for now as she stands under the bright sunshine, in front of the tilt-a-whirl, in the arms of the boy who loves her with all he is she is just happy to be Mercedes Jones, crazy in love with Sam Evans, knowing that no matter what happens they will fight be together.