'With all due respect, consider what happens if you die without an heir.' He rubbed his eyes, he'd heard this argument before and he was as tired of it then as he was now. 'It will be civil war all over again.' Alistair glanced over to him, not sure how you could explain that you had an heir somewhere, probably, and not only that it was probably an apostate, mothered by someone you loathed. With the soul of a demon.
'I'll… I'll think about it.' He said.
'The Lady Anora remains unmarried.' He'd heard this argument before too, he should have championed her harder, should have done more to ensure that she had ruled and not him. She, at least, would have married out of duty. He'd always been so intent on his duty, why now, when it was so important, did he put it off.
'Yes I know.' He said tiredly. Of course he knew why. He should probably have just married her when the opportunity arose. Then he would have spent his life even more miserable. It was duty again, you see. He united the lands under one king and then… well of course, he hadn't, if you looked at it logically.
'My lord, you need to take this more seriously.' And there was the disapproval he'd come to expect from nobility, the bastard son, again not doing his duty. Caelin would have been proud. Or not. Alistair had taken to considering his brother's thoughts and as the years passed he was more and more convinced that he'd had very few.
'I am already taking this as seriously as I can.' Alistair pointed out, his penchant for humour to mask his feelings had made the nobles distrust him in the early days, so now he saved it for his friends. What remained of them anyhow. 'I will think on it some more as I go to Redcliffe.'
'I do wish you would take more men.' Alistair, almost sighed, only almost, he was getting better at that too.
'After fighting an arch demon I don't think I have very much else to worry about.' He gave a forced grin and the other man sighed.
'All it takes is one well placed arrow sire.'
'Well they've got to catch me first hmm?' It was much easier when they left in irritation, it gave them a dose of how he felt every day.
He was such a fool. Nearly three years on and he couldn't stop dwelling on what he had lost to his own stupidity. Now he was going to take the whole of Fereldan down with him. He began pulling his supplies together again, he could take an entourage, the entire court down to Redcliffe. Instead he took just one and he didn't know if it was trying to relive the glory days or trying to put them to rest. Maker, he wished they would just rest.
He was pulling on his armor when the door to his bedchamber opened. 'Don't you ever knock?' He said irritably.
'And why would I do that, you never know when I might find you in a… less kingly position.'
'Expecting to join in?' He asked.
'Well, as your dearest friend I would expect you to be polite enough to share your enjoyment.' The elf said with a slight flick of his eyebrow.
'Forget it!' Alistair said, holding up his hand. 'I'm not listening.'
'But you were the one who asked. I was merely uhh… stating my position. Or yours maybe.' Zevran smirked and Alistair sighed. Yes, reliving them, the elf was the only one who could reduce him to that thick headed innocent he used to be.
'We should get going.' Alistair said after a moment, carefully ignoring the innuendo in the elf's words.
'Of course.' Zevran said seriously gesturing to the door, hesitating only a moment. 'Of course, Redcliffe will be expecting us, but, we could make a detour. Orzammer is on our way.' And there he had said it.
'I'll meet you outside.' He said tersely.
The elf sighed. 'As you wish.' He said, leaving the room.
Alistair stared down at his belongings for a long time before throwing something in his pack and shutting it with such force he could have sworn something broke under his hand.
She had done so much for him and he had been so harsh that he had all but sent her away himself. He would have died for her, he should have died for her, instead she had persuaded him into the one thing he would never had done. The final battle had come and they had ridden on a wave of euphoria for a while. Then he had realised what he had done, the implications falling into place, one after another in his head.
Morrigan had left, no matter how hard they looked she was gone and she had taken his only child with her. A royal bastard, like he had been, someone to unseat his legitimate heirs perhaps. A child with a demon soul, left with a witch who even now he abhorred. He took a breath to steady himself. Still, he could have probably lived with that, even when he knew that it was what should have brought him the most disquiet. No, the worst part for him was the night with Morrigan itself.
He had enjoyed it. Not so much the happy feeling in his pants, but the need to not be a gentleman. She had been beautiful and had not needed any special consideration in his mind. She was a vessel that needed filling and that had been it. It had been an animal instinct, no finer thoughts or feelings to get in the way. He had done his duty. Maybe that was the reason why his duty now was such a burden. Even now, he wasn't sure it was the right thing to do, if it would end the blight the way she had suggested.
She hadn't cared.
That was probably the most galling thing, maybe if she had been hurt, or upset he could have dealt with the self flagellation to make her trust him again. She'd excused it, trying to explain that as a Grey warden she had to put what she needed below saving the world. She had been right of course, which made it worse.
He had stopped sleeping with her, it was easy to make an excuse after all, there was so much he had to do and so much she had been requested to do. He just wasn't able to see sex in the same way after she had encouraged him to sleep with someone else. She made him crazy, even then, he loved her so much that even the idea of going back to how they were would taint her some how. In his mind their love had been pure, a light in such darkness and she was perfect. He couldn't sully her, not by offering her himself, not anymore.
The camp had been quiet the night he had rejected her for the final time. She wore her armour, but sword and shield were left by the camp fire, there was no real need to sleep with your weapons like there had been before. She had sat beside him, tiny and perfect, he had never expected to fall for a dwarf. Humans had always called them fat, but you couldn't trust what you saw, they were all muscle. Running his hands across her silky smooth skin for the first time had been a surprise, he'd never expected to feel such strength in the arms of the woman who loved him.
She had tried to kiss him and he had pulled away, using his height to create a barrier between them. They stared at each other wordlessly for a long moment and the pain on her face still twisted on his heart today. She had got up and made her way back to her tent, leaving him alone with his silence. By morning she was gone. She had left the stash she was in charge of on his bed roll, taking only her sword and the Aeducan shield she had always worn.
It was months of anxiety later that they had news from Orzammer. She had gone home and they had raised her to Paragon. As she had deserved. He sighed to himself, she was probably happier with her own kind than she could have possibly been with him. Maybe she was married, maybe she already had a little dwarf on the way. The thought twisted his guts.
He finished packing, it didn't do to dwell on memories, he had a life to lead here. He was responsible. He went down to meet Zevran and the dog. The Mibari had stayed with him, not imprinted but obviously figuring that he was it's best bet to find her again. 'Are you ready now?' Zevran asked and Alistair nodded. There were no horses in this land and in fact they did their best to not draw attention to themselves as a ripe target, so they walked.
'So, I was wondering…' Zevran began on their third day, the day that Alistair's feet became leaden.
'No, I'm not interested in you that way.' This was pretty much how their days went, Alistair pretending to be as innocent as ever. Even though Zevran had eventually gotten his way and they had spoken about how to pleasure women, even though Alistair had nearly died of embarrassment.
'Well, I think you protest too much in that, but it was not what I was thinking of.' He admitted. 'I was more seeking a favour.'
'This should be good.' Zevran had dealt with a few problems Alistair had obtained in Fereldan and Alistair should probably pay him more than he did.
'Well, I can understand your reluctance to not visit Orzammer yourself. But I was wondering if I could, maybe in your stead.' Alistair went silent, he had watched how Zevran had spoken to her and the thought of her now being a free agent and alone with him.
'I'd really rather you didn't do anything in my stead.' He said grouchily.
'Oh so you intend on going yourself, this is wonderful news.' Zevran gave him a broad grin.
'No, I didn't mean…'
'Well you must think that you should greet the King again, after all you did help put him there yes?' Zevran was trying to out manoeuvre him and Alistair knew he would because frankly, Zevran was a lot smarter than he was.
'Well, yes I did but…'
'Well that is settled, I shall go and inform Redcliffe that you have taken a detour and then I will come back to Orzammer after you.' Zevran grinned at him. 'In case you forgot, the path to Orzammer is just over that hill, I will hurry to deliver my message through the forest and see you in several days.' Alistair tried to protest, but the elf was already gone, he stopped in the middle of the road, feeling how his stomach dropped. He looked at the dog who whined at him and then gave a happy bark.
'I could just go to Redcliffe without him.' He said and the dog whined. 'Oh I see, you're in on it together.'
He stared at the road quietly for a long time, he had wanted to explain himself for so long, he had just never had the courage. He could… well he could at least pay his respects to the king and maybe by now, she may have forgiven him. The first step was the hardest, after that it was the second step, which was worse, his feet were leaden as he made his way towards Ozammer.
'By the Ancestors!' Came the exclamation on reaching the gates. 'It's the Grey warden!' Of course, that's how they would remember him, they might, if he was lucky, remember that he had become king, and not turf him out the second he did something stupid. He was led to the Royal palace almost immediately, remembering the way and that this was where she had grown up.
'Your Majesty.' He said as he was brought into the King's study.
'Your Majesty.' The man responded in amusement. 'It is good to see you again, even with the dog.'
'Well I couldn't leave him behind, he was kind of… insistent.'
'You've come alone?' He asked, eyes gentle and serious.
'Well… no, the dog.' He reminded the King, whom he had always thought of as a much kingier king than he was.
'I take that to mean that it isn't me you have come to see.' Alistair hesitated, wondering just how common the knowledge about them was. 'You have come to see the Paragon, you were friends through the Blight.'
'I… Yes, I was hoping to see her, could I?' He asked. 'I'm sure she is off doing more important Paragon type things but…' He trailed off.
'So am I.' The King said to him. 'But I don't know where she is I am afraid.' Alistair frowned.
'What… what do you mean?' He asked nervously, he too vividly remembered his last visit here.
'She went to the dark roads, nearly two years ago.' Alistair felt his heart hurt for a moment, yes, he remembered what waited for her on the dark roads.
'The Darkspawn were defeated.' He said as an ointment to his own conscience, anything that happened to her down here was his fault after all.
'And as ever, the last bastions lie in wait in the darkness of the forgotten Thaigs.' The King said quietly. 'She went to do her duty as a Grey warden, to fight darkspawn, and her duty as a Paragon, she went to reclaim them and their riches for the glory or Orzammer.' Alistair felt sick and it must have shown on her face. 'She has recovered three lost Thaigs since her return, dwarves are, even now, rebuilding that which was lost.'
'Hasn't she already done her part?' Alistair asked him quietly.
'I asked her the same question.' The King gazed at him. 'She told me that she would do her duty for as long as she was able.' He took a breath. 'She sends word through the Legion of the Dead, they see her and some times battle along side her. Occasionally she will arrive at the Fortress of Bownammer, which has been reclaimed by the Legion and tell them of a cache.'
'She fights alone?' Alistair asked and the King nodded slowly.
'You're going to go after her then?' He asked and Alistair hesitated. 'I fear for her, not as a Paragon but as the daughter of my friend. You are probably the wrong person to go, you have your duty after all.' And there was that word again, his duty had lost her in the first place, he wouldn't do it again.
'I have a duty to her too.' He said, realising what he had said as he had said it. Of course, the one duty he had failed. 'I am a Grey Warden too.' He said quietly. 'I will not leave her down there to her fate.'
'I had hoped.' The King said quietly. 'The dark roads, they change you, even as empty as they are now. I think, as stupid as it might seem, she needs to be touched by the sun again.' Alistair smiled, dwarves had strange practices and ideas, there had been times she had just stared into the sky, watching the night sparkle with a thousand diamonds. She had been beautiful.
'She will not be harmed.' He promised. 'She is not like Branka after all.' He got up and pulled on his shield. 'Come on dog, I need an early warning.' The dog barked happily. 'Where was she last seen?'
'Not far, she was last seen on the roads near Aeducan Thaig.' He said. 'I believe she has reclaimed it and not yet informed us.'
'Why would she do a thing like that?' He asked with a frown.
'Because she is the last of the Aeducans and I don't believe she wants to set up her home Thaig yet in her own name. It's a Paragon thing.' The King said. 'Here, I have a map although, you have been there before I understand.'
'It was a long time ago.' He said seriously taking the parchment and looking down. 'Thank you.' He said seriously, bowing to a fellow king, before taking his leave. The dog barked and ran around happily, somehow knowing that they were going to find his mistress. The dark roads were not as daunting as he remembered, the early roads were bathed in torch light, a sign that the dwarves now had reclaimed part of their lines from the blight. It eased his heart, knowing that the signs of the Blight were receding even here, where the only difference a blight made was a respite. It gave him a little courage to maybe accept Morrigan's offer as true. That maybe his child was key to stopping the blight.
The journey to Aeducan Thaig was uneventful, except for one meeting with a genlock, ravaged with hunger and half blind from an injury. It was more a mercy killing than anything else. He approached the door to the Thaig with trepidation, it should be locked, and yet he was able to push the stone door open with difficulty. He looked around quietly for a long moment, the old stones were still holding firm, there was a strange beauty to this part of the underworld, it looked… cared for.
There was still rubble but not the coating of dust he had come to expect with the old ruins and there was a smell of food in the air. He made his way quietly to a small house within the Thaig and hesitated before knocking on the door, feeling a little silly even as he did so. There was no answer so he took a breath and opened it. It was a small room, dwarf sized really and he almost had to duck his head, but not quite. There was a fire of Branka's smokeless coal and a pot heating up on top of it. A stone table and chair with stacks of books. 'Hello?' He called, his heart pounding.
There was silence. He opened the single door, spying a bed made of furs and biting his lip, his mind treacherously moving to her naked body. He frowned and looked around, there was a large tome on the table and he hesitated a moment before turning a few pages, noticing that the later part of the book had a distinct gap, like a bookmark was in there, he turned the pages with excitement, hoping to find where she may have gone, instead his discovery made him feel wretched.
Perfectly pressed between the pages of the book was a rose, it's rich red petals now brittle and papery. He swallowed softly. He had thought he loved her then, but he could still think when he had given her this rose. Later he could barely function when in her presence, her light shining into his heart like a beacon. He had thought that had been love then too. It wasn't until she had left, until she had taken her light with her that he truly realised he was lost. She had kept it. A testament to her feeling even after his rejection. Or maybe a testament to never trust him again. Oh, he hoped not. Carefully he closed the book, making sure not to damage the rose.
He needed some air, the room was too close for his liking and he pushed open the door, stepping out into the… not fresh air, letting the door swing closed behind him. Then it was like the door hit him in the spine and he staggered. Again and he staggered forwards trying to keep his footing. The final slam into his back lifted him from his feet and he hit the ground with a clatter of metal. He groaned, a little dazed as he tried to move, until the sword pointed at his neck and he stopped. 'Wait!' He called and there was silence behind him, he didn't dare look around.
'Alistair?' The voice was music to his ears and he took a sharp breath, feeling his heart shudder.
'Yes, it's me, would you… mind taking your sword from my neck?' He asked after a moment and there was hesitation for a second and he closed his eyes, not blaming her if she chose to run him through. She released the pressure and he very slowly pushed himself into a sitting position, wanting to look at her face again after so long.
He wished he hadn't. The pain of anguish revisited was in her eyes, so much hurt on her face that was still in her heart after so long. 'What are you doing here?' She asked him after a moment of looking into his face.
'Sitting?' He suggested without being able to help himself, even now he couldn't stop himself from using humour as a shield and her expression simply became guarded. 'I… sorry… I came looking for you.' He said quietly.
'Why?' She asked. There was so much pain there and he didn't know what to say.
'I…' He trailed off and looked at her. 'This wasn't how I imagined this.' He said after a moment, looking at her. 'Umm, I don't suppose you have any injury kits on you? Because I think I may have fractured my spine.' He gave her a winning smile and he could see the guard in her eyes slip a little.
'Come back inside and let me take a look at your back.' She said with a soft sigh.
'Oh like the good old days.' He said with a guarded smile.
'Don't, Alistair.' She looked at him, the pain had just come back to her eyes and he shut his mouth with a click.
'Sorry.' He said, getting up and making his way to her home. Wordlessly he went inside, placing his weapon and shield on the ground.
She made her way over to a chest, opening it and beginning to rummage. 'Take off the mail and undershirt.' She said simply as he sat down and he managed to not say anything she might take offence to. He slid off his clothes and was strangely embarrassed, he'd not been so embarrassed about nudity since that day Zevran had caught him in the bath and decided to make educated comments on his physique. At least now he still had his pants on. She stood behind him and ran her fingers down his spine, checking the bone. 'I think you just bruised it.' She said to him, rubbing on a balm and he felt himself shiver, he nodded and turned to look at her. She stepped away and sat on the table, making them at about eye level now. 'So, why are you here?' She asked him.
'I am… I wanted to apologise.' He said finally and she bowed her head. Wordlessly she stood and walked into the bedroom, he heard the shedding of chain mail and he waited for her to return, she was wearing a dress. He had never seen her in a dress, not once. 'Why the change of clothes?' He asked her.
'I needed to think for a moment.' She said and looked at him with a frown. 'Do you even know why you are apologising?' She asked and he nodded.
'Because I am an idiot.' He said honestly and her lips quirked faintly.
'No arguments.' She said and he shrugged, it was true. 'You shut me out.' She said to him and he nodded to himself. 'Why?' He closed his eyes, she was here before him, everything he had wanted and he had never imagined explaining this to her.
'I loved you. So much.' He said softly. 'And I couldn't stand touching you after Morrigan.' Her eyes went wide and she looked like he had punched her. 'Oh, no, I don't mean…' He half got to his feet, holding his hands out in horror. 'I just…' He grunted as his back forced him to sit again and he looked back up at her. 'I'm sorry, I think I was fooling myself that I could explain this in a way to make you understand.'
'Try me.' She said, still wounded.
'Morrigan, that night with her was…' He trailed off and looked into her face. 'Different.' Her expression told him she had never wanted to hear it, maybe she had been more deeply affected by it than he had thought. 'I'm just making this worse aren't I?' He asked and she nodded. 'I will try and get through this, because…' His sigh caught in his throat. 'Because I need to tell you.' He admitted.
'Well don't spare any details on my account.' Her tone was harsh, the tone of a dwarf, hard as rock.
'I'm trying here.' He said plaintively.
'A bit late for that wouldn't you say?' He sighed.
'Maybe I should just go.' He said bitterly, knowing he just couldn't. 'With her, there was nothing except getting the job done, there was a release and, not much else. I had told you that I wanted you to be the only person I had ever…' Even now he struggled to say it. 'And now I had destroyed that. I loved you and when I was just yours it was a rare and magical thing. Afterwards, I felt dirty.' She gazed at him.
'And you couldn't have just explained that to me at the time?' She asked, her voice softened.
'No, I don't think I could. Everything I was would have passed the taint on to you and I couldn't do that to you. You were the light in the darkness and I couldn't just sully you in that way.' She took a breath at that.
'And it was better to reject me?' She asked him.
'It seemed like my only option.' He said tiredly, he was finished, it was out now. 'What are you thinking?' He asked her.
'That I need to change my ideas again.' She admitted to him. 'I figured that…' She blushed and he smiled to see it. 'Well, I guess it's not important now.'
'Please, I'd like to know.' He said gently, wanting the light on her face to grow.
'I had thought you regretted being with a dwarf.' She said after a moment. 'That being with your own kind had made you think the way the rest of your people do.'
'How could you think that?' He asked softly, his heart hurting to see what she had been going through.
'Well you never told me.' She said. 'I mean, I was the only person you had ever…' She sighed softly.
'I had ever loved.' He said to her. 'The only one I have ever loved.'
'You're a King.' She said seriously and he nodded.
'Yes but not much of one.' He gave a faint grin. 'Can't even tie my own shoelaces still.' It wasn't much, but it was a start. 'I missed you.' He said and her lower lip trembled softly. 'Are you… are you crying?' He asked her in amazement, he had never seen her cry, he had seen her hurt, he had seen her wounded, but he had never seen her cry.
'No.' She said and the called herself liar with the single perfect tear that rolled down her cheek.
Alistair reached out and wiped it away. 'The roof must be leaking.' He said seriously, moving slowly so she would have chance to back away, he kissed her. His heart leapt as she kissed him back, everything he had feared, to pour his heart out and be rejected, to lose her to the blight, all he had fought for, the kiss made it worthwhile. Her arms slid around his neck as she held onto him, never wanting to let go again. 'I will make this work.' He promised her.