A/N: Hey everyone! Midna3452 here with my first Ouran fanfic! Yay! My friend and I were thinking of random stuff the Host Club could do, and I was thinking of possible themes. Commoner Meat Day popped into my head (the name based off a video i saw) and I thought I'd write a fanfic about it. This has no real plot, it's just something fun I thought up. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! Oh, and just a quick note: when there are double quotes, that means the twins are talking at the same time.
Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own the Host Club. Bisco Hatori does.
Commoner Meat Day
Haruhi's POV:
I was sitting in the cafeteria after a long morning of school, ready to have a nice break and eat my lunch before going to my afternoon classes and then heading straight to the Host Club. I was just about to take a bite of my sandwich, when I felt two familiar arms on my shoulders.
""Hey Haruhi!"" I glanced up and saw the twins grinning down at me. I sighed and put my sandwich on the table as they sat down next to me.
"You seemed lonely, sitting here all by yourself . . ."
". . . so we decided to join you!"
"Oh joy," I muttered sarcastically, rolling my eyes. The twins looked at each other and then back at me.
"Now, that's not a very nice thing to say," Hikaru said, faking a sad expression.
"You'll get over it."
"Someone's feisty today," Kaoru remarked. I glared at him.
"I am not feisty today. I was just trying to have a quiet, peaceful lunch and then you two showed up and-"
"HARUHI!"
Our heads turned towards the door as Tamaki came bursting into the cafeteria, followed closely by Kyoya and then Honey riding on Mori's shoulders. Tamaki ran over, pushed the twins off to the sides, and hugged me around the neck.
"Oh, Haruhi, are you okay?! These demon twins haven't been harassing you, have they?!"
"Not as much as you are!" I tried to pull his arms away from my neck, but he wouldn't budge. "Senpai, let go of me!"
"I think you should do what she says," Kyoya remarked, without looking up from his notebook.
""Her face is turning blue . . .""
"Oh no! I'm sorry, Haruhi!" Tamaki said, finally letting go of me. "Daddy's sorry! Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'm alright," I replied, massaging the back of my neck. "And how many times do I have to tell you that you're not my dad?!"
"Haru-chan!" I looked down as Honey tugged on my sleeve. He was holding his bunny and smiling up at me. "Do you have cake for lunch today?"
"Uh, no, I never have cake for lunch. Plus, I don't really like sweets, remember?"
"Oh yeah, that's right! I don't know why you don't like sweets; they're so good! Right, Takashi?"
"Mm," Mori nodded.
"Haruhi just has a sandwich today," Kaoru said, looking at my sandwich as if it were something disgusting.
"Yes, Kaoru, I'm sure no one could've seen that," I muttered. Hikaru narrowed his eyes at me.
"Well then, let's just see what it's made of," he said. "Shall we, Kaoru?"
"Yes, let's, Hikaru." Before I could say anything, Kaoru grabbed that bottom half of my sandwich while Hikaru ripped off the top piece of bread, all in one swift movement. They looked at the meat with disgust.
""What is it?""
"It's called turkey, for your information."
"Ooh, commoner meat?!" Tamaki leaned over in between me and Kaoru to stare at the turkey. "It's so . . . flat."
"Yeah, it's pre-cut. It comes in a package with a few other slices." Tamaki gasped and looked from me to Kyoya.
"Mommy, is that true?!" he yelled. "Our poor daughter has to eat meat from a package?!"
"Yes, Haruhi's right." Kyoya pushed his glasses up and looked at Tamaki. "And the packages are made of plastic, not served in china dishes."
"P-p-plastic?! Oh, you poor, poor commoner!" Tamaki cried. He put his arms around me again and started sobbing dramatically into my shoulder.
""Tono, I think you're overreacting . . .""
"I'm not overreacting!" Tamaki picked his head up and gestured to my sandwich. "We get to eat wonderful, quality meat while Haruhi is forced to go to the commoner's market and purchase meat in a plastic package!" Suddenly, his eyes widened and he gasped again. "I have a great idea!"
"Oh no, here we go again," I groaned, putting my face in my hands.
"In honor of yet another commoner food that Haruhi has showed us, the Host Club's next theme will be . . . 'Commoner Meat Day!'" Tamaki exclaimed. Everyone just stared at him. The twins were the first to speak.
"Commoner . . ."
". . . Meat day?"
"That sounds . . . interesting," Kyoya remarked.
"It sounds stupid!" I yelled. "Senpai, you can't seriously be thinking about that as a theme?!" Tamaki looked at the ground.
"I think it's a good idea . . ."
"That's because you thought of it! I mean, what are we gonna do, dress up as pieces of meat?!"
"Yes, exactly!" I stared at Tamaki, horrified.
"Oh no, I wasn't being serious-"
"Yes, a wonderful idea!" He beamed at everybody and then pointed to Kyoya. "Kyoya, you can be a chicken and I'll be a turkey!"
"And why in the world would I do that?" Kyoya asked, his glasses flashing.
"Because it'll be fun! Now, Honey, you can be a rib-eye steak-"
"Yay! I love steak!"
"-and Mori can be a fish!"
"Is that even a meat?" Kyoya asked.
"I think so! Now, you two . . ." Tamaki looked at the twins. "Hmm . . . I got it!" He snapped his fingers. "You two can be pieces of ham!" The twins looked offended.
""Why do we have to be ham?! Why can't Haruhi be the ham?!""
"Because Haruhi is going to be a plate of ribs!"
"WHAT?!" I stared at Tamaki incredulously as the twins started to laugh. "Senpai, you can't be serious!"
"Well of course I am!" Tamaki stared off into space. "I can see it now . . ."
"I think Tama-chan's gone into his inner mind theater again," Honey said, and Mori nodded in agreement. All of a sudden, Tamaki giggled insanely and clasped his hands in front of him.
"Ahaha! So kawaii!"
The twins glanced at each other and then back at Tamaki.
"Uh, Tono . . ."
". . . are you still there?"
Tamaki just giggled again. Alright, it was time to get him out of that inner mind theater of his. Who knows what was going on in there . . .
"Hey, Senpai!" Thinking on the spot, I picked up the half of my sandwich with the meat on it and hurled it at Tamaki.
"KYAAA! I've been hit!" Tamaki screamed as the meat collided with his face. Everyone started cracking up as he threw the meat on the ground and wiped the residue off his face with the back of his hand. Even Kyoya snickered a little. When Tamaki saw us all laughing, his lip started to quiver.
"You guys are so mean to me! Wah!" He ran over to the closest corner, faced the wall, sat down, and scrunched up into a little ball, his head on his knees.
"There he goes again," Hikaru sighed.
"Off into his little corner," Kaoru added. They turned on me.
""Way to go, Haruhi.""
"Hey, it's not my fault he gets depressed so easily!" I said defensively. The twins just shook their heads and looked away. "Ugh, fine, I'll go talk to him." I stood up and walked over to Tamaki. I saw that he'd been peeking at me, but he quickly turned his head away when he saw me coming.
"Senpai, I'm sorry." Tamaki flinched when I touched his shoulder and buried his head further into his knees.
"Wah, Haruhi's being mean to me!" he cried. "She doesn't love her father!"
"You're not my dad, and I wasn't trying to be mean. You were just starting to act weirder then usual- I mean . . . ugh," I groaned as Tamaki let out a wail and started drawing on the floor.
"Tama-chan's really upset," Honey remarked, coming over to stand next to me.
"Mm," Mori nodded.
"Well, I don't know what I'm supposed to do," I said.
"Isn't it obvious?" Hikaru chimed in, leaning on my shoulder.
"Commoner Meat Day," Kaoru explained, leaning on my other shoulder.
""See? Here comes the puppy dog eyes,"" they said in unison. I looked from them to Tamaki and sighed again. He was staring up and me and moving his finger back and forth across the floor, looking like a little puppy begging for food.
"Okay, okay, you win- I'll do Commoner Meat Day," I said. Tamaki's face instantly lit up.
"Yay! Oh, Haruhi, you're such a good daughter!" He jumped up and hugged me tightly, actually lifting me off the ground.
"Senpai, you're crushing me . . ."
"Kya~! This is going to be so much fun!" He put me down and then faced the rest of the Host Club, all of whom were smiling. "Okay, listen up! I officially declare tomorrow: Commoner Meat Day! Kyoya, get to work on the preparations immediately!"
"Excuse me?" Kyoya's glasses flashed and his smile vanished.
"Well, we need to get started if we're going to have everything set up by tomorrow after school!"
"Tamaki, may I remind you that we leave for class in two minutes, and right after that we have the Host Club for today?"
"Okay, then you'll just have to work extra hard to get everything done right after the Host Club!"
"Whatever you say," Kyoya said softly, and I couldn't help but shiver. Shadow Kings were creepy . . .
"Excellent!" Tamaki clasped his hands together and started wiggling around with excitement, looking even more like a puppy. "Ooh, this is so exciting!"
""Calm down, Tono. You're getting too hyper.""
Tamaki glared at the twins and was about to reply, but just then the bell rang.
"See you later, Haru-chan!" Honey called, waving as Mori picked him up and put him on his shoulders. I waved back and they smiled and walked away.
"Bye, Haruhi! I'll see you after school! Daddy loves you! Mommy does, too!" Tamaki called as Kyoya dragged him out of the cafeteria.
""Okay, Haruhi, let's go to class!"" I yelped as Hikaru and Kaoru snuck up behind me and lifted me off the ground. They linked arms and put me on their shoulders, so I was sitting on Kaoru's right and Hikaru's left shoulders at the same time. They were each still holding onto one of my hands.
"What are you guys- no, don't let go!" I exclaimed as they let go of my hands at the same time and I started to sway. They laughed and grabbed my hands again before I fell.
""Hold on tight, Haruhi!""
"Well, if you let me down- AH!" I gripped their hands as hard as I could as they started to run, amazingly managing to keep me balanced on their shoulders. We got to the classroom and they leaned over so I slid off their shoulders and onto the floor, landing on my feet. I wrenched my hands out of theirs and glared at them as they smiled evilly at me.
"Never do that again!" I hissed, and they laughed.
""Whatever you say, Haruhi!""
"Hmph!" I turned and stomped over to my seat, forgetting that I sat in between the twins. They took their seats on either side of me and then proceeded to throw and eraser to each other over my head. I groaned and put my head down on my desk. I couldn't wait for this week to be over . . .
The next day . . .
"Come out, Haruhi! I want to see how the costume fits!"
"No, Senpai! I'm not going out in this!" I yelled back to Tamaki. I looked in the mirror in the changing room and made a face. I couldn't believe I was actually dressed up as ribs, complete with what looked like barbeque sauce spread all over. I could barely move, too- the only openings in the costume were two holes for my arms on the sides, an opening in the bottom for my legs so I could walk, and a hole in the middle for my face.
"Your guests are waiting," Kyoya said.
"I don't care! Can't I just skip the Host Club today?" I heard Tamaki gasp, and I could just imagine the look on his face.
"S-s-skip the Host Club?! Haruhi! I refuse to let my daughter say such things!"
"I'm not your daughter!"
"Okay, we're opening the curtain on the count of three," Hikaru said.
"Ready?" Kaoru started to count. "One, two-"
"Wait!"
""-three!""
The twins pulled the curtains apart and everyone froze. Tamaki was, of course, the first one to speak.
"Haruhi . . . YOU'RE SO KAWAII!" Honey and Mori nodded in agreement and the twins started cracking up.
"Kawaii?! I look like a freakin' piece of meat!" I yelled.
"But that's the point! It's Commoner Meat Day!"
"Shut up, Senpai!"
"Come on, we need to get back to the guests," Kyoya said. "We left them with Renge."
I glanced at him and did a double take. He was wearing a full body chicken suit, complete with the chicken feet. He was holding his trademark notebook and pen with big, feathery wings. In short, he looked absolutely hilarious.
"Ahahaha! Kyo . . . Kyoya-senpai, that's hilarious! Ahahahaha!" I laughed. Everyone stared at me like I'd gone insane.
"What was that, Haruhi?" Kyoya said coldly, and I instantly stopped laughing when I saw the look on his face.
"Uh, n-nothing . . ."
"Did you know that this costume is going on your bill, Haruhi?" he said, pushing up his glasses.
"Wha- no, please don't! I'm sorry!" I was getting worried- I didn't want yet another expensive thing added to my bill.
"Too late," Kyoya replied, marking something down in his notebook.
"Aw, come on, Kyo-chan! Haru-chan was just having fun!" Honey said. He yelped and ran behind Mori when Kyoya glared at him. I looked at Honey and Mori and started snickering again. A little rib-eye steak with Honey's face where the eye-circle-thing should be, hiding behind a giant fish with Mori's face poking out of the middle- it was quite a sight.
"Wow, she's laughing even though her debt just increased," Hikaru pointed out.
"Are you feeling okay, Haruhi?" Kaoru asked, putting a hand on my forehead.
"I'm fine," I said, swatting his hand away. "I just never thought I'd see Honey and Mori-senpai dressed as pieces of meat. And that goes for you guys, too."
"Yes . . ."
"Well . . ."
""We aim to please!"" The flashed identical smiles and posed, as if someone was taking a picture. I shook my head at them and then froze as I heard someone laughing behind me.
"Oh ho ho ho! Guys, what's taking you all so long?!" Renge asked as she skipped over to us. She stopped and stared at me. "Oh, Haruhi, how kawaii!"
"No, Renge, really, I'm not- mph!" My voice was muffled as Renge pulled me into a hug and started spinning me around.
"I'm so glad I thought of this!" she said, letting go of me. I fell back and would've landed on my butt if Mori hadn't caught me. I thanked him as he set me upright and he nodded.
"Ahem, I seem to have misheard you," Tamaki said, tapping Renge on the shoulder. "I thought you said that this was your idea."
"Well, of course!" Tamaki's mouth fell open.
"B-but, it was my idea!"
"Oh, shut up, you phony!"
Tamaki gasped and I sighed as he ran into his corner again. Except, now it looked like there was a turkey sitting there instead of the Host Club King. I started laughing again and the rest of the Host Club did too. Tamaki heard us and stood up, glaring. He turned towards the door of the room and walked out.
"Come on, we can't leave our guests waiting!" he called as he vanished from sight. "They've already been left alone for too long while you all were goofing off!"
"Tono's crazy," Hikaru said, rolling his eyes.
"Yeah, but he has a point," Kaoru said. "We should get back to the guests." He and Hikaru linked arms, smiled, and walked out of the room. I shook my head as I heard the fangirls scream when they entered the main room.
"Come on Haruhi, I'll walk you out!" Renge said, grabbing my arm and leading me to the door.
"I can walk by myself!" I yelled, trying to jerk my arm out of her grasp, but she wouldn't let go. I groaned as I was lead through the door, Honey, Mori, and Kyoya behind me. The girls screamed as they saw us. Why they were screaming because we were dressed up as pieces of meat, I'll never know.
Oh well, I thought as I sat down at my designated table. It is only for one day. Maybe tomorrow will be a little less insane . . . I'm not betting in it though, considering how crazy everyone is . . . I chuckled to myself and then turned my attention to my guests.
Strangely, even with a theme as stupid as Commoner Meat Day, the Host Club still managed to make me laugh. Maybe this club wasn't so bad after all . . .
A/N: The end! Sorry if the ending was kind of sudden; I wasn't quite sure what to do. Anyway, review please!