Finding a Voice

1: Let It Be

Sam Evans stopped in his tracks on his way out of school, staring at the reflection of himself in the office windows. He wasn't sure if the fact that he didn't know what to think of himself meant that he was getting better or worse, but after what he had endured all summer, he hoped it was better. Being forced to address your problems was a lot more difficult than acting like they didn't matter, after all.

The flyer stuck to one of those windows didn't really help, either. "Join McKinley's GSA Today!" it screamed in bright, rainbow-colored letters. Another thing reminding Sam of the many truths about himself that he'd have to come to terms with. Was there a reason why the summer before senior year always seemed to be the hardest? He wasn't the only one in glee club who had changed. Quinn, for example, had dyed her hair pink and was now strutting around, a cigarette constantly between her teeth, and calling herself a skank as if it were a compliment. But that wasn't at all the way Sam had changed.

Sam had changed – maybe – for the better. He'd stopped caring so much what people thought, yes, and started following his heart. But it was hard to accept the reality that he was a new person now. He was still the same awkward, nerdy-ish unnatural blond he'd always been, just with a new twist that made him feel not at all like this was true. He didn't feel like the same guy.

Sam stared into the reflection of his own gray-green eyes, muted by the slight blue tinge of the glass. He really did look pathetic, all wistful and longing, like he wished things could just go back to normal. As if moving into a motel last year wasn't enough, fate had just had to give him one of those meaningful summers of self-realization - one of those meaningful summers he'd never speak of again unless he had to. None of it was his fault, of course. He could always blame it all on the doctors…the dozens and dozens of doctors, all rediagnosing him with the same thing.

That was when Sam stopped thinking that only girls could get eating disorders – when it was real, and happening to him. The rehab and the counseling and the therapy that forced him to talk about the things he'd always forced into the back of his mind. That sort of experience would be enough to change anybody. And as if it hadn't been enough, he'd just had to go and fall in love…and then get his heart broken.

Well, it certainly wouldn't be the first time.

At the beginning of the list was Quinn, the beautiful blond cheerleader he'd noticed on his first day at McKinley. He didn't really talk to her until after he'd joined glee club, and gotten hit in the face with his slushie – his first, and certainly not his last. He remembered agreeing when she said that blueberry was always the worst. The cherry one he'd gotten sure wasn't a picnic, but more followed, and the blueberries were definitely his least favorite.

He'd really liked her, Sam remembered with a sigh. But then, she'd gone and cheated on him with Finn, and that was the end of it. And so came the next girl on the list of Sam's Ghosts of Girlfriends' Past: Santana Lopez.

Dating Santana hadn't been a walk in the park – oh, God no. She'd been pushy, and pressuring, and overwhelmingly bitchy. When they weren't making out, she was trying to change him. She was the type of girl who would rip apart a guy's piece and not really care how hurt he was after. But it hadn't been that hard for him to figure out that she was a gal's girl, after seeing her and Brittany, and that was when he called it off.

Sam sighed again. He should have noticed his own signs rather than worrying about Santana's. The fact that he could figure out that she was a lesbian and he was just her big, gay beard should have been enough to warn him. But, of course, it wasn't.

Nothing was ever enough, was it? There was always something to be proven with time.

And, of course, the third and final on his extremely short list: Mercedes Jones. Mercedes was, without a doubt, the best of all the girls on that list. She was sweet, unlike either of his previous girlfriends, and actually cared about him. He hadn't just been her plaything or a cover-up for a truth that was too hard to address. They'd really liked each other. That was, until he screwed it up by lying.

He'd told her his dad was getting a new job, that they were moving away and that was why she wouldn't see him all summer. Not at all the truth, though he honestly wished it was. But when he caught the dangerous look in her eye when she watched him walk into school on the first day of their senior year, he knew he was screwed.

"Sam, I thought you were moving," Mercedes said bluntly, glaring at him as if warning him that whatever he was about to try, he wouldn't get away with. He should have listened to the warning.

Sam shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant. "False alarm, I guess. We got a call saying they found a better guy for the job," he explained…once again, a complete lie. He was getting used to this lying thing, even if he wasn't very good at it. Not to mention that he hated it, too.

Mercedes just rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right. Tell me where you really were all summer," she said, and Sam opened his mouth to reply. Nothing came out. "I thought so," Mercedes snapped, turning on her heel and walking away.

But, before disappearing, she gave him one last look over her shoulder, a soft look that made her seem less tough. Like she had been the one getting dumped, not the other way around. Like she had been the one who lied and was getting told off for it. She looked vulnerable, and that was when the guilt of what he had done really started to sink in.

But no way could he ever risk telling her the truth.

Sam knew he'd screwed up that relationship more than either of the other two, but there was nothing he could do about it now. As his therapist had said, you just had to take three steps and get over it. Step one, take in the memory and remember how you felt. Step two, accept your feelings as being natural and allowed rather than a bad thing. Emotions are perfectly normal. Step three, just take a deep breath and let it all go.

Yeah, he wished it was that simple.