The Lesser of Two Evils
Chandler Bing was pacing his room, scared.
Monica's words were running through his head: "Too afraid to be in a real relationship? Then don't be in one."
Maybe, just maybe, this wasn't fixable. Maybe she would leave him.
Monica Geller, the best thing that had ever happened to him, could soon be out of his life. She could walk away and he would become Kip.
No. Chandler couldn't be Kip. He could never be Kip. He just wouldn't allow it.
Chandler still remembered what it had been like when Monica broke up with Kip. He had always been a good guy. He was one of the best roommates Chandler had ever had. Of course, Kip was no Joey. There had been no Baywatch, no chick, no duck, and the rent was always there and on time. But Kip had hurt Monica. And in the battle of the friendships, Monica would always win. Over Kip, over Joey, over Rachel and Phoebe and Ross.
Monica always won. Just like she liked it.
And how could she not win? Sure, he had met Ross before Monica, and yes, he had spent a lot of time with Ross as his college roommate, but Monica was always there.
Chandler sighed as he laid back on his bed, thinking of that first Thanksgiving that he had met Monica.
Before a few months ago, Chandler had completely forgotten how disgustingly rude he had been when they first met. What he did remember was how haunted he had been afterword. Monica might have been fat, but she was still cute, still the same sweet Monica she always was. And after leaving the Gellers' that Thanksgiving, he hadn't been able to get her off of his mind.
The preoccupation hadn't been debilitating, by any means. Chandler had no qualms going after any girl that so much as looked at him. Rather, it was when he struck out, which was most always, that Monica haunted him. He would lie awake while Ross, who had the same luck with girls that he had, snored peacefully in his bed and think about Monica.
He wondered what she was really like. What were her plans after graduation? Her macaroni and cheese had been fantastic. Could it be that her dreams lied in that direction? She had listened when he talked and the way she laughed at his lame jokes had certainly captured his attention. He loved that. He loved getting a laugh. He wondered if she ever thought of him or of his jokes and silently hoped she did.
Chandler had asked Ross once, casually, how Monica was. Ross had just looked at him questionably and replied that Monica was fine, why did he want to know? Chandler embarrassingly muttered something about just wondering how she was doing, and eventually got Ross to shrug it off. Now, after hearing Monica's story about how rude he had been, he understood that Ross was just trying to protect his little sister.
Chandler needed to remember to tell Ross how much he appreciated that. Now that Monica was his (as long as she would still have him) Chandler would do anything to keep Monica away from harm. But it meant the world to him that Ross had always been there for her when he hadn't. Ross had been there to protect Monica from their parents, from abusive men, and even from Chandler himself.
Ross' job as protector of his little sister got more difficult after Monica lost all of that weight. Unsurprisingly, Monica soon became the center of most men's attention, and Chandler was no exception. His preoccupation only got worse. She always struck him as a dedicated, gifted woman, and he hadn't been surprised at all that next Thanksgiving when he learned that Monica was studying culinary arts. Even if his only sample of her cooking had been her macaroni and cheese, the other Thanksgiving foods she had prepared, of which he had forever sworn off, looked and smelled so delicious, he almost forgot his oath and tried them.
Chandler sat up in his bed and grabbed for his foot, feeling through his sock where Monica had forever disfigured him. That day he had been so enthralled with Monica that he hardly felt the pain. Well, at least thanks to the pain meds he had been given at the hospital. He kept doped up on those meds for a few days, causing him to forget a lot of what happened. Despite that fact, Chandler had no problems remembering every moment he spent with Monica.
Monica had felt extremely guilty after the incident. Chandler could hardly care less about his foot, however, when she would wander into his room at the Gellers' where they graciously let him stay until school started back up. She would sit near him on his bed, in a nearby chair, and ask him about everything. While Ross had been out chasing after Carol, Monica sat with him and kept him entertained. They talked about school and about their parents and about Ross. He asked her about culinary school, she asked about his hopes and dreams. And perhaps it was the medication or maybe it was his growing obsession or the slight smile she gave when he spoke, but Chandler told her everything.
Everything.
Even about his nubbin, something he had never told Ross in a year and a half of friendship.
But despite the bond they established those few days, once he returned to school they didn't keep in contact. Chandler only saw her once a year, every Thanksgiving. But when he finally got to see her that one day out of the year, his old obsession would flare up again, just enough to pique his interest for another year. Their bond fell into a casual, easy friendship that made him feel comfortable enough to apply for the apartment across the hall from hers when Ross happened to mention its availability.
And of course, by then, he had been with other girls and she had been with a few guys herself. So the spark that Chandler had never allowed to grow into a flame became smoldering embers.
That is, until London.
When Monica pressed her lips to his that night, Chandler's mind had never been clearer. He had been acutely aware of everything. In the back of his mind was the knowledge of how much he wanted this and how long he had waited, but in the forefront was the excitement he felt. He noticed the stale taste in his mouth, the sweetness of Monica's tongue, the pressure she applied to the back of his head, the natural smell of her skin, the brightness of the colored spots that danced across the back of his eyes, the soft sound of her breath leaving her body.
But even then, London could have been explained away.
A foreign, romantic country. Too much alcohol. Disappointed hopes. Bruised egos. There was a multitude of ready-made excuses, all viable options. They had even used those excuses the next day, saying simply and effectively that they weren't willing to risk what they meant to each other as friends to explore what they could mean to each other as lovers. There was a loophole, of course, that they tried their best to exploit, but even then, London didn't have to mean anything.
London could have been explained away.
But Chandler hadn't wanted to explain it away. He wanted her. And when he walked back into her apartment and blamed it on jet lag, it hadn't just meant anything. It meant everything.
Chandler only knew, in that moment, that everything had changed. How it all changed, or where this new direction would have leaded them, he neither knew nor cared. Every inch of his skin had been searing with her touch, and that was all that mattered.
She was all that mattered.
And he did everything that he could to show her that.
But now, after going through all the trouble of keeping their relationship secret and battling through his ignorance and mistakes, he might have finally screwed it up.
Monica didn't have baby fever. He knew that. So why did he have to mess everything up by saying that she did? And what was worse was that he had known, almost from the first moments of their relationship, what Monica's endgame was. And he knew what options that left them.
In the end, Chandler knew, he and Monica could never be just friends again. This relationship was too powerful, too meaningful. They could never get over each other. At least, not enough to be friends. He would never get over her.
And even if he could, even if they could be friends again, Chandler didn't want to go back. He couldn't bear his life without her. And that was what it came down to.
Monica wanted to get married and have kids. He knew that the first time she came across the hall crying to him about a breakup. She had a picture perfect plan: a good husband, kids, a home, a white picket fence.
Chandler had never had a picture perfect plan. He had never even had a plan. He just knew that commitment was never something with which he was comfortable. It never worked, as far as he could tell. His parents divorced, the Gellers hardly seemed happy, and neither were Joey's parents or Rachel's. And if his friendship with Ross taught him anything, it was that marriage hardly lasted. If anything, marriage ruined things.
Marriage ruined things. And Monica was the best thing to ever happen to him. So he was afraid. Terrified of marriage. Even though he knew that was what Monica wanted in the long run.
Why had they gotten so careless as to be discovered? Chandler lamented, punching the pillow next to him. Things had been so much easier when they were the only ones to whom they had to answer. They had taken their relationship on a day-to-day basis, but they always knew that there was a tomorrow.
That was what Chandler wanted. Simply to be secure in the knowledge that there was a tomorrow.
If he was being honest with himself, he knew that was all Monica wanted, too. But for her, that security came in the form of a wedding band.
Monica wanted to get married. And Chandler wanted Monica.
Some big gesture. That was what he needed.
Suddenly, Chandler's choice was clear. As much as he was afraid of marriage, he was more afraid of living his life without Monica. He needed her. Desperately. And if the only way to keep her was marriage, then that was what he was going to do.
Without another thought, Chandler sprang up, quickly threw on his shoes, grabbed his coat, wallet, and keys, and was out the door of the apartment.
He quickly walked the ten blocks to the nearest jewelry store. It wasn't a very upscale place, so Chandler strode over to the engagement ring collection and picked out the largest ring he could see. After charging it, Chandler practically ran back home. It was early yet in the evening, but he was afraid Monica would be nowhere to be found. When he reached the apartment, he threw off his coat, pocketed the ring, and walked across the hall. He paused outside Monica's door, took a deep breath, and then opened the door with purpose.
"Where's Monica?" he demanded. "Where is she? I need to talk to her. It's urgent. Is she here?"
Luckily, Monica was sitting around the coffee table, playing cards with the rest of their friends. And when she asked why he was proposing he told her the truth:
"I don't know, but I know I'm not afraid to do this." And it was the truth. He was afraid of losing her. In comparison, marriage was like getting an injection – unpleasant, but nothing life threatening.
And he joked about it in the end. "Or you would have seen a Chandler-shaped hole in that door." But he wouldn't have run. He only said so to let her know that he really wasn't ready for marriage. Deep down he knew that he would have done anything to keep Monica with him.
And later that night, after coffee with the gang, when they had gone to bed, Chandler made love to Monica as if it were the first time. He cherished every inch of her body, worshiping her.
It was Monica, who later broke the comfortable silence into which they had fallen.
"Chandler, what on earth made you think it was a good idea to propose to me?" she asked softly.
Chandler rolled over from his back to his side to look at her.
"You want those things, don't you?" was his reply.
"Well… someday. But not today," she joked with a smile. Chandler chuckled and then quietly answered her.
"I realized that I was more afraid of losing you than getting married."
Monica exhaled in surprise.
"Chandler…"
"I love you, Monica," he began, stroking her cheek. "I want to make you happy. And I don't want to lose you." She smiled at him and grabbed his hand, pulling it close to her chest.
"Chandler, I don't need to get married to be happy. I'm just happy here with you. So why would I leave you?"
"I thought maybe you would leave me because I didn't want to get married," he confessed.
Monica sighed. "You do know that I want to get married eventually, though, right? You're okay with that, aren't you?"
Chandler nodded. "Sure. Someday. But not for a while yet, right? I mean, I just want to spend more time with you. But if I have to marry you to get that time, I'm willing to do it. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I can't just lose that."
"Chandler, sweetie, I'm not even ready to accept you, yet. We've only been dating for six months. I'm not my brother," she deadpanned.
Chandler laughed. "I love you so much, Monica," he responded.
"I love you, too, Chandler."
Chandler leaned in and lightly pressed his lips to hers. Finally, they pulled apart and smiled softly at each other.
"So…" Monica began, "what are you gonna do with that ring?"
fin.
A/N: Just covering my bases. I don't own Friends.
Also, I just wanted to say hello to the greater Friends community. This is my first fic in this fandom. It might not be my last, but I'm not sure. I'm really trying to get back into my first love, Get Smart, right now, but I recently finished watching Friends for the first time and it's got me so wrapped up that I had to get this out. I've gone back and rewatched episodes that I thought were important to this fic, but I certainly might have missed some details. I've only seen everything once, so I'm not an expert. But by all means, feel free to correct me if I've made some error.
This story, I might add, was an attempt at an overview of Chandler and Monica's relationship from Chandler's point of view. I get most excited about those moments in romance plots where the characters begin to fall in love and how that love matures. I don't think after The One With the Girl Who Hits Joey Chandler's feelings toward Monica changed. I think it was very steady from there on. But if you disagree, go ahead and say so, it's always fun to hear a different perspective.
And, as always, reviews are much appreciated. Thanks so much for reading!