This is kind of a lengthy one shot about Quinn's thoughts. I apologize for the parts where Quinn gets off topic and rambles. I tried to separate the ramblings from the parts of the story that are actually significant. Keep in mind that Quinn will look like the picture of Dianna Agron in the link below (just change DOT to .) and Santana is more of a nerd with glasses and such.
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Losing My Mind Over You
It all started after winter break. I had already attended college for 3 semesters now but this semester, I'm stuck at this community college that refuses to be labeled as a community college. I was going to this university that was two hours from my hometown. I was living the life. I shared a dorm with Kitty, my used-to-be best friend. This last semester was harsh on me. I was already under academic probation because of my grades. Then, my first serious boyfriend, Puck, cheats on me with this chick, Lauren, who showed up to one of our small parties. In fury, I dumped him the next day and I made Lauren think that I forgave her and made it seem like I was her friend so I could make sure that Puck couldn't go after her either. I don't know what I like about having power over those who hurt me but the power cheered me up until I learned that within a month, Puck had already moved on and was dating this girl named Mercedes.
A month later, I moved on from him and I met Sugar. Most of my friends already knew that I am bi-sexual so it wasn't too much of a shock for them when Sugar and I started dating. When Sugar asked me to be her girlfriend, I thought everything was turning around and my life would be back to how it was. I fell for Sugar and I didn't realize her many flaws. For one, she had the tendency to be a bitch which tore Kitty and I apart. Once Sugar started speaking her mind, Kitty and Sugar began to dislike each other. Another thing was that Sugar has Anxiety. I have nothing against any disorders since I, myself have ADD and I find it really hard to study for school. The thing is, I refuse to let ADD take over my life. I don't let ADD become an excuse to why I can't do something. I take medication and I fight to overcome the obstacle that is diagnosed as ADD. Sugar, on the other hand, lets her anxiety take over her life. She doesn't always take her medication and if her anxiety starts to act up, she just gives up. I'm no doctor but I know that there is help out there. Instead, she would rather cancel our dates and stay at home all day long. She was also a bad influence. Before I met Sugar, the only thing I smoked was hookah and I would only visit the hookah lounge a couple times a month. The girl had her own hookah which she secretly filled with some weed along with the tobacco. She would encourage me to skip class and spend the day with her. Continuing to skip class resulted in my academic probation becoming an academic suspension. When the semester ended, I packed my dorm up since I knew I wouldn't be able to return to the university until next fall. Sugar and I talked and she broke up with me becausewith her anxiety, she wouldn't be able to handle a long distance relationship. I was heartbroken yet sugar and I continued to text even though we were no longer together. She kept me holding on. It wasn't until I was drunk on new year's eve and my kindergarten buddy, Finn, and I shared a sloppy kiss that I realized that there are other people out there for me and it was time to move on from Sugar.
Now, enough about Sugar. This isn't some Taylor Swift sob story. This is like Jennette McCurdy's "So Close".
I don't actually remember when I first noticed her in class. It had to be after I met Rachel. Since I missed the first day of class, I had to speak to the Professor and get the class code and so did Rachel. Our friendship somewhat took off from there. We aren't really close or anything but after I met her, I started sitting next to her in class. Sometime after that, I was bored in class and I began people watching. When I people watch, I tend to give people nicknames based on how they look. There was one guy I refer to as "well dressed closet gay." My gaydar starts beeping when he walks in the room. He always is dressed like a young business man with his hair gelled and all. Then there is "prison boy," who at first looks kind of attractive but then I realize that I can picture him in an prange prison jumpsuit perfectly. Sitting in front of him is "Spawn of Sheldon and Raj" who looks like a combination of the 2 characters from the Big Bang Theory. Then I noticed her. I know her as "girl who looks like a less pretty 19 year old Naya Rivera. I begin to wounder what she would look like if she straightened her hair, lost a couple pounds and ditched the glasses. Soon, I found myself focusing on her instead of class.
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A few weeks pass and I find it hard not to stare off in "girl who looks like less pretty 19 year old Naya." I notice that she always seems to be wearing a dark blue hoodie and boot cut jeans. I like skinny jeans better, whether it's on me worn by other girls. She also carry's a light blue Kipling back pack. I prefer Janspot. My Backpack is a Loungefly which is a knockoff of Jansport. Right next to her backpack is a bright blue lunchbox. You know, the soft, insulating ones that zip closed that people in high school labeled as uncool. The only time I am seen with a lunchbox is at work and the lunchbox I bring in is a tin superman lunchbox that closes with a latch.
As much as I compare her appearance to mine, I still find it hard to label her as uncool. Yeah, she is constantly paying attention to the lecture and she wears tennis sneakers when she could be wearing converse but part of me doesn't see anything wrong with it.
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A week or so later, my fixation with this girl has only increased. Rachel has been getting caught in traffic on her way to campus and missed the past couple of classes so I can stare all I want and I don't have to worry about Rachel catching me. On the days I have work right after class, I come into class sporting my work attire, dark jeans, a plain black shirt, my black combat boots, my hair let down and my makeup done nicely. Since I hate waking up in the mornings, I tend to arrive to class a few minutes late. As I walk in, I see her there sitting in the front of class jotting down notes. I try to make my boots click louder than they usually do as I walk by her in an attempt to catch her attention. For some reason, I always look straight forward so I have no idea if I caught her attention. I sat in my regular seat towards the back of the class and became fixated with her once again. I saw someone walk up with the attendance sheet that is passed around the class and hand the paper to the professor.
"Does anybody still need to sign the attendance sheet?" The professor asked the class. I raised my hand right before the profesor passed the paper to the other student who needed to sign the paper. I continued daydreaming about, "girl who looks like Naya," and was interrupted from my thoughts when the attendance sheet was placed on my desk. I grabbed a pencil, signed the paper and handed thee paper back to the professor only to sit back down and realize who passed me the paper. I was too distracted thinking about "girl who looks like Naya" to realize who handed me the paper. Hell, I was looking in her direction when she raised her hand after the Professor asked who needs to sign the attendance sheet. Her name was written right above mine on the list of people who attended class that day. If I had taken one second to look at the name right above mine, I could put a name to the girl I had been so fixated on.
The next few classes, I tried to pay attention to where the attendance sheet was. If I saw her put her name on the list, I could count how many people signed the paper after her until the paper reached me. Some classes, the paper would reach me before it reached her. Other days, I lost track of how many people signed after her. Then I started wondering why I was so interested in knowing her name. I pondered about why I would hit the door with my fist to hold it open when I entered class or why I strutted by her in my boots. I thought back to Sugar once more and remembered when I first met her. As I left the event we were at the night I first laid eyes on her, I remember strutting out of the room and loudly hitting the door with my fist to push it open. After that, I realized that when I have a crush on someone, I try to get his or her attention by acting 'cool'. I don't realize what I am doing until I realize that I am crushing on that person. With Puck, I noticed that he was wearing a Slayer shirt so I mentioned a lot of metal bands when we first started talking. Does this mean that I have a crush on "girl that looks like Naya?"
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I'm in class once again, sitting next to Rachel. Rachel is in between taking notes and messing with something on her phone. Once again, I'm spending class people watching. "Girl who looks like Naya" Stands up from her seat and hands me the attendance sheet. She sometimes sits in the row next to me and other times she is 2 rows away. There are a lot of people absent today like always and the 4 seats in front of me are empty. I look up and smile at her and whisper "Thanks." She nods and walks back to her seat to continue to take her notes. I smile at what is about to happen. Finally, I have a chance to find out her name. I pull out a pencil to write my name down. As I do so, I glance at the list and read the last name written on the sheet of paper.
"Santana Lopez" I read her name silently as I tried to memorize it. "Wow, really?" I thought to myself, "for some reason, I feel like I should have known that. It just fits her perfectly." I scribbled "Quinn Fabray" right under where it said "Santana Lopez," and passed the paper to the person who sits behind me. I unlocked my phone and opened my facebook app and started searching for Santana Lopez on facebook.
"Get up be active, Get up be active, Get up be active, GET UP DON"TLIE DOWN! GET UP DON"T LIE DOWN!..." My obnoxious alarm went off waking me up. I find that the more obnoxious the alarm tone is on my phone, the easier it wakes me up. Once I saw the episode of SpongeBob where Mr. Krabbes thinks that SpongeBob has insomnia and Patrick tries to help his friend by singing "Get Up Be Active," I knew that the made up song would make a perfect alarm.
I turn over in my bed and find my phone going off right by my pillow. The screen is lit and there is a notification indicating that my alarm is going off. I hit the snooze button right below the notification and doze right off for a few more minutes. Like I said, I hate mornings and even though I prefer opening at work over closing, I wasn't looking forward to getting out of bed and getting ready for work at that moment. I cuddle my build-a-bear- lamb that I made back when I was in elementary school. So what if I am almost 20 now? I have always been and always will be a cuddly in my sleep and I can't sleep if I don't have something in my arms. When I don't have a significant other to serve as my cuddle buddy, Lucy the Lamb is there for me. I nuzzle my face into her head and inhale Lucy the Lamb's scent. It's basically a mix of the detergent my mom buys and the Febreeze I like to spray on my sheets to keep them smelling fresh between washes. I sometimes wonder if I was a dog in a former life since I enjoy scents more than anything. As a matter of fact, hearing and smelling are probably my strongest scents. I know people by either the way their keys jingle and the sound they make when they walk or by how they smell. My mom always smells like her lavender and vanilla perfume mixed with her "drenched in pink" lotion. When someone has a similar scent as she does, I tend to feel comforted by their presence. My dad always smells like the leather of his car and gasoline since his job requires him to drive all around town so he is constantly putting gasoline in his car. My sister smells like her Juicy Couture perfume mixed with a slight scent of her softball equiptment. My dog smells like clean carpet and linens since she is always laying around the house being the protector she is. My puppy smells like carpet and linen mixed with my mom's scent since she is always cuddling with my mom. Puck always smelled like Old spice and his motorcycle gear and Sugar always smelled like her hookah. My point is, I have a thing for scents. That's why I began cuddling with Lucy the Lamb when I was a child. She smelled good to me so I would burry my face into her soft plushy body and fall asleep. Ever since then, I have been a cuddler.
I lay in my bed holding Lucy close to me. Sometimes, it felt nice to imagine that I was cuddling with my prince or princess charming. Soon enough, my alarm went off again singing that obnoxious tune from SpongeBob. Since it was a Thursday, I had to wake up around 8:30 AM. On days that I have class, I have to be up by 6:30 so I wasn't too grumpy but I was upset to be leaving the comfort of my bed and end my cuddling with Lucy the Lamb. I pretty much rolled out of my twin sized bed, sticking my right arm and leg out to catch myself so I didn't fall. I stood up and threw on my work clothes while I toasted a bagel for breakfast. Soon I was dressed and my hair and makeup was done. I quickly ate breakfast and said goodbye to my 2 dogs since the rest of my family had already left for work and school. As I drove to work, something triggered whatever memory I had of my dream last night. My dream memory is very unpredictable. There are times I can remember a huge part of my dream quite clearly without trying to remember. Other times, I can recall bits and pieces when something in my reality triggers a small memory from the dream and then there are times where I know I dreamed something and as hard as I try to remember, my memory from the dream is lost. Sometimes, I don't even recall having a dream. I just wake up and it's like I never slept.
This time, it was one of those times where something triggered bits and pieces of a dream to my memory. I remembered that I had a dream I was in class and "Girl that looks like Naya," handed me the attendance sheet and I saw her name on it. I know it wasn't an uncommon name but it wasn't a name you hear every day either. I can see the attendance list from my dream and I can picture her name written there but I can't make out what it says. I can remember what her handwriting looks like but when I try to concentrate on the memory, The letters just look like swirls and lines. Like Chinese letters, small doodles and the scribbles you make when you are trying to get the ink in a ballpoint pen to work. I just hope that my dream actually happens sometime in the next few weeks of class.
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This is where I begin to lose my mind. I have taken college psychology 3 times now. I may have slept through a lot of the lectures and doodled in my notebook when wasn't sleeping during the first 2 times I took the class but there are 2 chapters I pay attention to: The chapter about sexuality and love and the chapter about dreams. I believe that chapter is called the unconscious mind. I learned that dreams are usually formed from things we think about. Like when I was crazy about the Harry Potter series and I had a little girl crush on Ginny Wesley, I had quite a few dreams where I was on an adventure with the Harry Potter characters and Ginny was my best friend. There are also strange phenomena's that have been recorded where dreams have a connection to reality. My current psychology professor told us about a time that his wife awoke from a dream about their friend having something happen to his big toe on his left foot causing blood to gush from the toe. Gross, I know. Well My professor and his wife keep dream journals where they record their dreams. The next day, My professor received a call from his friend, the same friend in his wife's dream, calling because he was in the hospital. It turns out he had an accident while moving some furniture in his house and he hurt his big toe on his left foot, blood gushing and all.
When my professor told the class that story, I remembered times back in elementary school where I would have a dream that I was at school and I realized that I forgot my lunchbox. The next morning I would be dropped off at school only to realize a few hours later that I had left my lunchbox in my mom's car. Then in middle school, I would take my P.E. uniform home on Fridays so my mom could wash it. Sunday night, I would have dreams that I left my P.E. uniform at home and I had to sit out during class. Sure enough, the next morning I would leave for school and my P.E. uniform would be left, folded on my desk in my room. Dreams can be weird like that. My mom and her father once had a dream that they saw the ghost of the man who would have been my great grandfather today. At that time, my mom was still a teenager so she spoke to her mother the next morning. She said, "Mom, I had a dream about granddad last night. Like his spirit visited me and we just caught up on what he has missed since he passed away."
"Really? Granddad as in your father's dad?" My mom nodded her head and soon learned that her dad claimed to have a dream where he saw his father's ghost too. What are the chances? Two people having a dream about a loved one's ghost on the same night? What about when Twins share the same dream? I'm telling you, dreams can be friggin mysterious!
Another thing I learned in psychology is that the human mind cannot make up faces on its own. When you come up with a look for a character in a story, the person you see is based off someone or a combination of people you have seen sometime in your life. When you dream and someone appears in your dream that you claim you have never seen before, you actually have seen that person before. The man chasing you in a scary dream could have been someone you passed by in the grocery store.
Call me insane but I am starting to wonder if the same concept works for names. I could have glanced at "Girl who looks like Naya's" name when she handed me the attendance sheet one time. I may not have been paying attention but my eyes definitely looked at the paper when I wrote my name down. I'm starting to wonder if by some miracle I remember what her name was in her dream, I could try searching it on facebook like I was trying to do in my dream. What if that was her name? What if the answer I had been searching for was in my dream and now I can't remember. I feel like something about learning her name in my dream held some significance in my reality? I know, I've lost my mind.
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The more days that pass by, the more this girl is on my mind. She doesn't come to class the next day which saddens me. She probably caught a cold. Everyone seems to be getting sick these few weeks anyway. Rachel was out sick this past week and a bunch of people I work with have been coming in with runny noses while coughing and sneezing. I wouldn't be surprised if "Girl who looks like Naya" is home sick too. Nevertheless, it puts a dent in my 'plan'. The past few days I had class, I would walk in a few minutes after class began since the traffic around campus is just so bad. I would walk in, pounding the door open with my fist , letting my boots click just a bit louder as I strutted past her and I would give her my signature smirk and wink. Too bad my inner coward would take over my mind right after I sent her a wink, causing me to turn my head away from her before I could see her reaction. One of these days, I wanted to find a way to talk to her. I thought of asking her to tutor me or even tapping her on the shoulder and slipping her a note with my number. I could go all Carly Rae Jepsen and write a little note saying, "Hey, I just met you and this is crazy, but here's my number- 555-555-5555. So text me, maybe?"
However, in order to actually make my cheesey plans happen, she would need to be in class. So it's upsetting to see her chair empty.
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It's a Tuesday night. Only one day has passed since I walked into my classroom and she wasn't there. I'm pretty sure my insanity has almost doubled. I still don't even know her first name and now, I can't get her out of my mind. I worked the morning shift at work today so work kept me pretty occupied. Yet when business at the shop became slow, I started to fantasize about her. My shift ended at 4 pm so I had the rest of the day to myself. I went to my room and played Jennette McCurdy's song "So Close" on my new electric guitar.
"I can't help but smile every time I see your face,
And we've never met, I bet you don't know my name,
Am I out of my Mind? I think that I might be going crazy,
'Coz my heart is yours to have and hold or break,
How'd you get to be so close and yet so far away?" I sang while imagining I was serenading her. Why can't it be socially acceptable for one to bring a guitar to school with them and randomly sing their feelings to someone? Sometimes I wish I could randomly break out into song in public and have it be perfectly normal. That would make life so much more interesting.
A few hours later, I set my guitar down and grabbed Lucy the Lamb as I left my room and lay down on my living room couch. It was about 7:50 PM which meant there would be a new episode of my favorite show in about 10 minutes. I don't watch much tv, mostly Family Guy and American Dad but I will be damned if I missed an episode of Pretty Little Liars. My mom likes to mock my love for the TV Series but I don't care. I usually ignore her and watch the show intently in hopes of figuring out who A is. The show gets so intense sometimes that I find myself hugging Lucy the Lamb like a child hugging a teddy bear. I've gotten in a habit of cuddling with Lucy during each episode just so she's there if the episode gets crazy.
The new episode just started. I get relaxed and I lay down on the couch with Lucy laying on my shoulder. She isn't a huge stuffed animal, she's smaller than my chest. But size doesn't matter. Her plushy lamb head is rested on my shoulder and her plushy body is turned sideways onto my chest. I have my arm wrapped around Lucy as if I was cuddling with someone on the couch. I looked down at the doll and nuzzled my nose into the top of her head like I find myself doing all the time. I inhaled her scent and closed my eyes. My imagination started to wander during the first commercial break and I pretended it was "Girl who looks like Naya," cuddling with me on the couch in Lucy's place. I pecked the top of my doll's head while pretending it was her. I pictured her dark locks on my shoulder when I kissed the top of her head. My free hand found the hand that was wrapped around Lucy the Lamb. I pretended it was her hand that I held as I held my own hand. I began to wonder what it would be like to be cuddling on the couch with her watching Pretty Little Liars. I'm beginning to think that a trip to Radley, the nut house in Pretty Little Liars, would be a good Idea for me.
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She didn't show up for the next class either. The next day of class after that, we had a test. Before I knew it, it was Monday again. Rachel was absent and when I texted her, it turns out she has an appointment with her eye doctor. I keep forgetting she wears contacts. On the bright side, "Girl that looks like Naya'" was in class. I made sure to strut past her and do my smirk and wink. I seemed to have caught her attention for a moment. I sat down in my seat and tried to think of a plan. Our professor handed back our tests that we took last class. Once again, I got a C. I looked to the front of the room to see an red A written on "girl who looks like Naya's" paper. I took a scrap piece of paper out of my bag and wrote down what I had come up with weeks ago.
As class ended, I gathered my stuff and caught up with her outside of the classroom with the paper at hand. I tapped her shoulder lightly and she turned around to face me.
"Errm hey," I said shyly, "I noticed you got an A on the last test. This is my second time taking Statistics and math is like my Achilles heel. I was wondering if you would be interested in tutoring me sometime." My heart was racing and I was trying to stop my hands from trembling too much.
"Umm sure. Do you want me to give you my phone number so we can figure out a day to meet up so I can tutor you?" She said quietly.
"Actually, here," I said as I handed her the sheet of paper I was holding. "I have to go to my next class. See ya." I said before walking away to my next class. On the paper, I had written the call me maybe line along with my phone number like I planned. I added a sideways smiley face after the "maybe?" just to put a little flirty touch to it. By the time got to my next class and sat down in my seat, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket.
"Hey, it's me. The girl you just spoke to from Stats class. Btw, I didn't get a chance to ask what your name was." I read the text and smiled.
"Sorry, I guessed it slipped my mind. I'm Quinn Fabray," I replied.
A moment later, my phone vibrated with a new text message. "It's nice to meet you, Quinn. My name is Santana Lopez." Memmories of my dream came flooding back to me. The gibberish I remember where her name was written became letters. My jaw dropped as I realized my dreams were right. Perhaps my dreams can have a connection to reality.