Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Cookie!

Um…hi. I don't own Lord of the Rings (J.R.R. Tolkien does) or any of the LOTR characters, although I DID ask my parents for Sam for Christmas. No offense to people who are on diets…it wouldn't hurt for me to lose a few pounds myself. But it's all for laughs so don't be mad. And also, to die-hard LOTR fans: the character names are dropping out of my memory like dead flies! Don't be mad if I have to say "the elf," "the dude," or even "the short dude" every once in a while!

It was Bilbo Baggins's birthday party, and Martha Stewart showed up with a 100-foot birthday cake for him. (You'd be surprised how much those hobbits eat!) Here is the ingredient list: 1,000,000 cups flour; 10,000 pounds butter; 50,000 cups sugar; 5,000 tablespoons vanilla; 12,000 pounds whipped cream(for the frosting); 90,000 strawberries; 10,000 sliced peaches; 12,000 pounds blueberries; 14, 000 sliced apples; and 1 eggroll, as well as other undisclosed ingredients. About 15 hobbits had allergic reactions to the secret ingredients. Oddly enough, they were all allergic to one thing, and that was petroleum jelly.

Anyway, the hobbits finished off the cake, even those who were dying of allergic reactions. They stuffed their faces with other fatty foods too, and gained a lot of weight as a result, except for Frodo, who was grounded for laughing at Gandolf when he came to the shire for the party, and wasn't allowed to have any cake or food for two weeks. Oh yeah, good 'ol uncle Bilbo hung him upside down for three days too.

All the hobbits went on diets to lose weight, and Frodo was stuck with carrot sticks and melon and low-fat water for breakfast, lunch, and dinner because the shire was no longer importing cake or fatty foods. He wasn't even allowed to have Cheerios.

"Dammit, uncle Bilbo, gimme my cherrios!"

"I'll give you a cheerio! CHEERIO!"

Bilbo grabbed Frodo by the pants and threw him into the snow(which was odd, because it was the middle of the summer). He flew right out of the pants and hit the street.

"Oh lookie here, I've got your pants, Frodo!" Bilbo waved the pants around like a flag.

"Gimme my pants, dammit!"

"Why don't you come and get them you tight-assed momma's boy!"

"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY ASS!" Frodo screamed and came charging at Bilbo at 10000000 miles per hour. Well, it wasn't enough to get past the hard oak door that Bilbo slammed just as Frodo was about to hit him. Instead, Frodo whacked his head and bounced back into the snow.

"Shit! Now he's got my cherrios and my carrot sticks AND my pants! …. My diapers too."

"Go away," Bilbo said to him through a window.

"GAHHH!" Frodo yelled, picking up a convenient nearby brick and hurling it at the window. Well, he forgot (actually, he never knew in the first place) that Bilbo used the ring of power to make the windows harder than diamonds, which made his house a veritable fortress. The brick bounced back and whacked Frodo in the head.

"GAAA-AAA-AAA-AAA-AAAH!" He jumped up and down, barefoot, with no pants, in the middle of the snowy road.

"Hey crazy man!" a shadowrider said. "Take this to Sarumon, I'm too busy getting laid to do it tonight."

"Hey, I know you!" Frodo said. "You're the bad man in that book by J.R.R. Tolkien! And so is Sarumon! I'm not helping you! So there!"

"You wanna get laid right?"

"Yeah! Of course I do!"

"So be a bad guy. The chicks always go for the bad guys. The good guys might always win, but they never get laid."

"So let me get this straight. If I become a bad guy, I'll lose and be hated by the reader, and I'll die a miserable, miserable death at the hands of a tight-assed momma's boy, but I'll get laid all the time for decades and decades to come?"

"… … Yeah, that's pretty much the bad guy's life in a nutshell."

"I'LL DO IT THEN!!"